(no subject)
I'm very afraid that I'm having a miscarriage. The frustrating thing is being unable to tell if it's my paranoia caused by my losses or if it's truly something to worry about. I'm only 7 weeks along but I've already had two ultrasounds because of spotting and cramping. The ultrasounds looked okay. Not great and spectacular but okay. There was a heartbeat at 6 weeks (early to see one, actually) and while it was "slower than she'd like", the doctor told us to consider it a good sign. But now I've been cramping and spotting and cramping and spotting in a cycle that doesn't seem to have any real cause of origin. The doctor says she thinks the bleeding is from my cervix. If that's true, it's nothing to worry about. But she's not sure. She "thinks". We have another ultrasound on Tuesday. We'll know more then.
Biology is the most arbitrary fucker. It doesn't care that we've just lost one baby, or that I've lost two out of three babies now. It just does its own thing, regardless. There's no such thing as "fair" when it comes to biology. I have a major bone to pick with nature right now. I'm trying to be realistic here- I've not convinced myself that this pregnancy is doomed but I'm trying to keep my hopes on simmer. It'd easier that way, but an impossible task to accomplish. What is a pregnancy if not a hope?
It can still all be fine. Maybe it will all be fine. Maybe in August, we'll be taking a baby home from the hospital like my sister did a few days ago. Her child lives while mine die. There's no such thing as fair. I don't know any other way to rationalize my experiences than to believe that I am either paying for some major, cosmic error or that there is no sense that can be picked out of it all, no greater pattern. I'm not good at seeing patterns anyways. Scott is. He believes my now-overused quote, repeated like a mantra when Ceiran died: It's not a baby, it's a chance.
I suppose I should be grateful, if I do miscarry. At least it's only 7 weeks, not 18 or 21+ like before. At least I don't have to deliver another dead baby. I'm not sure I could stand to go through it again (but of course, I said that after Tessa and I "stood" to go through it with Ceiran).
The "what-if's" are killing me. I can't sleep. Partly it's due to pain in my legs and partly it's due to nausea (morning sickness being the largest of misnomers) but mostly it's due to anxiety. I've had countless dreams over the last few weeks in which I woke to find myself miscarrying. Then I wake for real and it takes me a long time to calm myself and convince myself that it was only a dream. I'm in the bathroom several times an hour, checking on the spotting. I'm not sure I believe in much of anything these days. I guess I still believe in the possibility of everything.
I'm trying to rest a lot. To eat well and drink a lot of water. I'm taking care of myself (I should say, we're taking care of me) and I'm trying to be calm and to remind myself that this baby still has every chance of making it. I guess that at this point, it's hard to believe that any of my pregnancies will end in a living baby. Sean is a daily reminder but so are Tessa and Ceiran.
We are having a good Christmas, despite everything. We had Sean; we'll visit the kids at New Year's. I'm nervous for the drive up and back because of my spotting but we haven't been able to afford to see them since August so this trip is very important to us. Christmas Eve with my family. I watched my sister's 2 day old son while she went out to play video games (and didn't come back for four hours+). My gramma left for Maui this morning but we got to spend a lot of time with her before she left. We even visited my biological father- the first time I've seen him in over 4 years. It was sad. Alchoholism and smoking way too much have turned him into an old man at 50. He's having heart problems. He looks like he's closing in on 70. He has a hard time hearing and putting together conversation seemed difficult for him too (moreso than could be explained by the return of the prodigal daughter and son-in-law). We had our own private celebration as well, Scott and I. No matter what happens, I am lucky. My sister might have a living baby while I don't but I have Scott and she's stuck with Brandon who will be going to prison next month for 4-6 years. Scott and I can always have babies (at least we have no problem *getting* pregnant); I'm lucky, no matter what.
This is long. I should find cut tags but honestly, I don't have the energy and I'm cramping and need to go rest. This is never going to be a fandom journal again and if anyone wants to defriend me, feel free. No hurt feelings will occur. I so rarely even update. I just needed to get out some of this anxiety. I want to sleep tonight.
Biology is the most arbitrary fucker. It doesn't care that we've just lost one baby, or that I've lost two out of three babies now. It just does its own thing, regardless. There's no such thing as "fair" when it comes to biology. I have a major bone to pick with nature right now. I'm trying to be realistic here- I've not convinced myself that this pregnancy is doomed but I'm trying to keep my hopes on simmer. It'd easier that way, but an impossible task to accomplish. What is a pregnancy if not a hope?
It can still all be fine. Maybe it will all be fine. Maybe in August, we'll be taking a baby home from the hospital like my sister did a few days ago. Her child lives while mine die. There's no such thing as fair. I don't know any other way to rationalize my experiences than to believe that I am either paying for some major, cosmic error or that there is no sense that can be picked out of it all, no greater pattern. I'm not good at seeing patterns anyways. Scott is. He believes my now-overused quote, repeated like a mantra when Ceiran died: It's not a baby, it's a chance.
I suppose I should be grateful, if I do miscarry. At least it's only 7 weeks, not 18 or 21+ like before. At least I don't have to deliver another dead baby. I'm not sure I could stand to go through it again (but of course, I said that after Tessa and I "stood" to go through it with Ceiran).
The "what-if's" are killing me. I can't sleep. Partly it's due to pain in my legs and partly it's due to nausea (morning sickness being the largest of misnomers) but mostly it's due to anxiety. I've had countless dreams over the last few weeks in which I woke to find myself miscarrying. Then I wake for real and it takes me a long time to calm myself and convince myself that it was only a dream. I'm in the bathroom several times an hour, checking on the spotting. I'm not sure I believe in much of anything these days. I guess I still believe in the possibility of everything.
I'm trying to rest a lot. To eat well and drink a lot of water. I'm taking care of myself (I should say, we're taking care of me) and I'm trying to be calm and to remind myself that this baby still has every chance of making it. I guess that at this point, it's hard to believe that any of my pregnancies will end in a living baby. Sean is a daily reminder but so are Tessa and Ceiran.
We are having a good Christmas, despite everything. We had Sean; we'll visit the kids at New Year's. I'm nervous for the drive up and back because of my spotting but we haven't been able to afford to see them since August so this trip is very important to us. Christmas Eve with my family. I watched my sister's 2 day old son while she went out to play video games (and didn't come back for four hours+). My gramma left for Maui this morning but we got to spend a lot of time with her before she left. We even visited my biological father- the first time I've seen him in over 4 years. It was sad. Alchoholism and smoking way too much have turned him into an old man at 50. He's having heart problems. He looks like he's closing in on 70. He has a hard time hearing and putting together conversation seemed difficult for him too (moreso than could be explained by the return of the prodigal daughter and son-in-law). We had our own private celebration as well, Scott and I. No matter what happens, I am lucky. My sister might have a living baby while I don't but I have Scott and she's stuck with Brandon who will be going to prison next month for 4-6 years. Scott and I can always have babies (at least we have no problem *getting* pregnant); I'm lucky, no matter what.
This is long. I should find cut tags but honestly, I don't have the energy and I'm cramping and need to go rest. This is never going to be a fandom journal again and if anyone wants to defriend me, feel free. No hurt feelings will occur. I so rarely even update. I just needed to get out some of this anxiety. I want to sleep tonight.