Oh Ianto...
I took the day off work yesterday because I was utterly desperate to have a day ALONE. I have been going to into full introvert-panic mode because Dustin has been home so much recently and I spent all weekend at the con with 1000 people.
And so, of course, Dustin took the day off work too. *headdesk* I am SO UTTERLY not cut out for living with other people. I need to live by myself, desperately. I start to get really, seriously panicy when I realize I CAN'T BE ALONE. He's just always THERE and I pace about and can't work and can't settle and end up just sleeping too much waiting for him to LEAVE. It's not just a function of a poor relationship- though that doesn't help- it really is that my extreme introversion has been pushed to its very limit and I need a recharge, and every second that I'm not completely alone just frays my nerves worse, even if he's feet away not talking to me at all (which he wasn't, he was trying to talk to me all damn day). It sounds utterly psychotic when I put it like that, doesn't it? But it's true. I need to live alone, desperately.
Dustin claims that it's something I should be able to get USED TO- after all, he liked being alone and then got used to roommates, right? But that's preference, not personality. I can get used to his clutter and the way he hangs his towels up wrong, but having another person just THERE, in my SPACE, just... wears down some kind of internal reserve I've got, so that the more he's around the LESS able I am to deal with it. The very opposite of getting used to it. I'm afraid this offends him, but it's really, truly not something I can help. If our relationship was better (by which I really mean, if our sex life was better), it would't bother me as much- but that's a matter of degree. It would still bother me. I really, honestly, don't know what to do about this.
I could not possibly BE more of an introvert. It's taken me 10 years to start to actually be okay with that and like that about myself- I don't care to feel guilty about it now.
In other news, I watched Torchwood up through the episode with the stopwatch conversation, and I am wild with joy at the Jack/Ianto. Plus, I am all spoiled for the last two episodes of the season and the Jack/Ianto moment later. *happy sigh*
Jack remains a really sexy character, but I am more and more fascinated by Ianto. His arc- from the utterly heartbreaking Cyberwoman, to the small quiet moment of forgiveness and closeness with Jack at the start of Small Worlds, to the bitterness in Countrycide, to the horrible tearing grief and pain we hear in Greeks, finally to the stopwatch conversation, that small moment of reaching out to ask for what he wants, to maybe take a little bit of happiness for himself at last- God.
I know very little of the events of Canary Wharf, which destroyed Torchwood London and send Ianto here. What little I do know seems to point strongly to a post-traumatic Ianto who is far more conscious of the immediate possibility of death and disaster from the Rift, from these aliens they deal with every day. An Ianto who has had his life destroyed, lost all sense of control and all illusions of his ability to protect himself or anyone else (And oh God, "who will protect us?" in Countrycide- he does feel that SO MCUH more deeply than the rest of the team, doesn't he?), was left feeling utterly alone and helpless after those events, and then was exiled from and abandoned by Torchwood London, the very organization that caused all of this and was supposed to protect him. In response, he has withdrawn completely- he holds himself aloof from the Torchwood 3 team, sets himself apart in manner and dress. Yet even as this aloofness is his own doing (even if not consciously), that extreme isolation leads to lonliness and a certain amount of bitterness and resentment against the team. He maintains obsessive control over his environment- extreme neatness, the way he keeps tabs on everything- yet none of that changes the fundamental sense of HELPLESSESS that the events of Canary Wharf and the fate of Lisa left him with. Ianto is spiraling downwards, into grief and guilt and fear and helplessness and complete isolation.
And he reaches out to Jack. The stopwatch couldn't possibly be more significant- Ianto is taking the symbol of that obsessive, rigid control he tries to keep, control born of fear and helplessness and guilt, and offering it to Jack. Ianto failed to protect the one he loved, and was abandoned by those who were supposed to protect him- now he's turning around to Jack, asking for his protection, offering trust. Ianto can't ever heal until he relaxes his terrified aloofness. He will heal once he feels that he has been taken into Torchwood 3- once he feels that he's been offered protection that truly won't abandon him, once someone has taken the incredible weight of guilt and helplessness off his shoulders, one he surrenders that obsessive self-protective control.
Jack can offer that. Jack took the ruthless action necessary to protect them all from Lisa. Jack looked Ianto's betrayal in the face, and they forgave him. Jack didn't exile or abandon Ianto, but trusted him to fieldwork soon after. And in Countrycide? Jack SAVED Ianto. Stepped in as protector and made it clear Ianto was one of his and didn't look down on Ianto for his helplessness or his weakness or his need to be saved. Jack has already given so much of what Ianto needs- it's just not enough. Not yet.
In short, Jack needs to top the hell out of Ianto, in the porniest way possible. And then he needs to stay and make it clear that Ianto is still his, under his protection and his responsibility, even as Ianto struggles and fights with his fear and his helplessness and learns to trust and let it go. Oh God, Ianto. He's so fragile, so vulnerable right now...
I ransacked the internet for recs lists and have like 50 Jack/Ianto fics open in tabs but I'm afraid to read any of them for fear they won't do it justice.
ETA:And of course, the minute I write all this, poisontaster metas it better and technosage writes it. My flist, they are BRILLIANT.
And so, of course, Dustin took the day off work too. *headdesk* I am SO UTTERLY not cut out for living with other people. I need to live by myself, desperately. I start to get really, seriously panicy when I realize I CAN'T BE ALONE. He's just always THERE and I pace about and can't work and can't settle and end up just sleeping too much waiting for him to LEAVE. It's not just a function of a poor relationship- though that doesn't help- it really is that my extreme introversion has been pushed to its very limit and I need a recharge, and every second that I'm not completely alone just frays my nerves worse, even if he's feet away not talking to me at all (which he wasn't, he was trying to talk to me all damn day). It sounds utterly psychotic when I put it like that, doesn't it? But it's true. I need to live alone, desperately.
Dustin claims that it's something I should be able to get USED TO- after all, he liked being alone and then got used to roommates, right? But that's preference, not personality. I can get used to his clutter and the way he hangs his towels up wrong, but having another person just THERE, in my SPACE, just... wears down some kind of internal reserve I've got, so that the more he's around the LESS able I am to deal with it. The very opposite of getting used to it. I'm afraid this offends him, but it's really, truly not something I can help. If our relationship was better (by which I really mean, if our sex life was better), it would't bother me as much- but that's a matter of degree. It would still bother me. I really, honestly, don't know what to do about this.
I could not possibly BE more of an introvert. It's taken me 10 years to start to actually be okay with that and like that about myself- I don't care to feel guilty about it now.
In other news, I watched Torchwood up through the episode with the stopwatch conversation, and I am wild with joy at the Jack/Ianto. Plus, I am all spoiled for the last two episodes of the season and the Jack/Ianto moment later. *happy sigh*
Jack remains a really sexy character, but I am more and more fascinated by Ianto. His arc- from the utterly heartbreaking Cyberwoman, to the small quiet moment of forgiveness and closeness with Jack at the start of Small Worlds, to the bitterness in Countrycide, to the horrible tearing grief and pain we hear in Greeks, finally to the stopwatch conversation, that small moment of reaching out to ask for what he wants, to maybe take a little bit of happiness for himself at last- God.
I know very little of the events of Canary Wharf, which destroyed Torchwood London and send Ianto here. What little I do know seems to point strongly to a post-traumatic Ianto who is far more conscious of the immediate possibility of death and disaster from the Rift, from these aliens they deal with every day. An Ianto who has had his life destroyed, lost all sense of control and all illusions of his ability to protect himself or anyone else (And oh God, "who will protect us?" in Countrycide- he does feel that SO MCUH more deeply than the rest of the team, doesn't he?), was left feeling utterly alone and helpless after those events, and then was exiled from and abandoned by Torchwood London, the very organization that caused all of this and was supposed to protect him. In response, he has withdrawn completely- he holds himself aloof from the Torchwood 3 team, sets himself apart in manner and dress. Yet even as this aloofness is his own doing (even if not consciously), that extreme isolation leads to lonliness and a certain amount of bitterness and resentment against the team. He maintains obsessive control over his environment- extreme neatness, the way he keeps tabs on everything- yet none of that changes the fundamental sense of HELPLESSESS that the events of Canary Wharf and the fate of Lisa left him with. Ianto is spiraling downwards, into grief and guilt and fear and helplessness and complete isolation.
And he reaches out to Jack. The stopwatch couldn't possibly be more significant- Ianto is taking the symbol of that obsessive, rigid control he tries to keep, control born of fear and helplessness and guilt, and offering it to Jack. Ianto failed to protect the one he loved, and was abandoned by those who were supposed to protect him- now he's turning around to Jack, asking for his protection, offering trust. Ianto can't ever heal until he relaxes his terrified aloofness. He will heal once he feels that he has been taken into Torchwood 3- once he feels that he's been offered protection that truly won't abandon him, once someone has taken the incredible weight of guilt and helplessness off his shoulders, one he surrenders that obsessive self-protective control.
Jack can offer that. Jack took the ruthless action necessary to protect them all from Lisa. Jack looked Ianto's betrayal in the face, and they forgave him. Jack didn't exile or abandon Ianto, but trusted him to fieldwork soon after. And in Countrycide? Jack SAVED Ianto. Stepped in as protector and made it clear Ianto was one of his and didn't look down on Ianto for his helplessness or his weakness or his need to be saved. Jack has already given so much of what Ianto needs- it's just not enough. Not yet.
In short, Jack needs to top the hell out of Ianto, in the porniest way possible. And then he needs to stay and make it clear that Ianto is still his, under his protection and his responsibility, even as Ianto struggles and fights with his fear and his helplessness and learns to trust and let it go. Oh God, Ianto. He's so fragile, so vulnerable right now...
I ransacked the internet for recs lists and have like 50 Jack/Ianto fics open in tabs but I'm afraid to read any of them for fear they won't do it justice.
ETA:And of course, the minute I write all this, poisontaster metas it better and technosage writes it. My flist, they are BRILLIANT.