RL whiny tl;dr
I have bought myself a Droid, and lo, it is shiny. I've been having fun setting it up and playing around. Plus, my ringtone is now the first forty-five seconds of Bat Out Of Hell. Though that's really just because I spent fifteen minutes this morning trying to decide between that and the second bridge of Born to Run. Except then I thought "oooh, the opening licks of Rock and Roll Damnation would make a good ringtone!" and was just listening to that when I thought "wait... When the Levee Breaks!" So I just gave up and clipped Meat Loaf because otherwise I'd still be working on it. I strongly suspect there is a ringtone shuffle app in my future, because Sweet Child O' Mine! Highway Star! Rock You Like a Hurricane! And some Van Halen... some Queen, maybe Killer Queen? Some Pink Floyd- maybe the guitar solo in Comfortably Numb?
Yes, right, I get like this sometimes. Also I really like rock'n'roll. Does it show? It saddens me a little that Adam's music involves no awesome hard-rocking solos suitable for a ringtone. Maybe the intro to Soaked? But if I want a prog-rock Muse keyboard riff I just should use a Muse keyboard riff, I think. Anyway, I still need to get some piano blues for mom and some 90s swing revival with saxaphones for C and and and... Yaay ringtones! Seriously. My last phone was 8 years old and couldn't do ringtones, and despite the massive awesomeness packed into the droid (IM! Google maps!), this is the thing I'm excited about.
I gotta say, though, Pandora cracks me up. It turns out that when you start out with Adam Lambert, it gives you two solid hours of Idol competitors. I was a little offended that the Pandora Gods though I'd appreciate nonstop Daughtry and Clay Aiken, but then I remember that all it knew about me was "likes Adam Lambert and thumbs-uped that one Kris Allen thing." To me, that says "slash fangirl!" but I suppose reasonable people might reach a different conclusion. Plus, it turns out Daughtry's pretty good, so. But mostly my problem with Pandora is that I like music I already know, you know? I like a lot of familiarity and only come around to new music very slowly. But I'll give it a try.
*cough* Sometimes I get babbly. Sorry?
I'm not feeling terribly good these days, though.
Lots of it is anxiety about moving. I keep shying away from it in my head, because if I think to much about it I hyperventilate and have to remind myself to breathe, and that I can't worry about most of that stuff yet. People keep petting me and telling me that I'll be a great student, which is completely irrelevant- god, what about stocking a kitchen and buying furniture and figuring out where to get groceries and money and and and, holy shit, and I'm doing it again, breathe.
So anxiety. And some anticipation of loneliness. And some difficulty sleeping because of the heat. And part of it's that I got myself chewed up by mosquitos a few days ago and am having a big allergic reaction and am swollen up and in pain from my hips down.
Some of it's because I decided not to date here, because I'm leaving so soon, and can't logistically do casual sex these days, and am not suited to long distance relationships. (Everyone gets three deadly sins. My three are sloth, gluttony, and lust, and the greatest of these is lust. I hate going wtihout sex.)
Part of it is that I'm having lousy body image issues. All I can see anymore when I look in a mirror is fat and ugly, and I'm getting more frustrated and angry about it every day. (I suspect this is exacerbated by the no-sex problem. Nothing cures body image issues like good sex.)
So not feeling so good. Which is why I haven't posted so much, or done much fannish stuff, or written that smoking hot Adam/Tommy porn I've been meaning to.
I cut and redyed my hair, though, which helps a little- it looks really good. (Henna is like magic, really.) But even that's frustrating, because I wanted to get it short for the move, but my regular short haircut, about this length (found while looking for that picture: she's cute) is really bad in the heat, and I'm sort of terrified of how hot New York in August will be. What I really want, and have wanted for a few years, is something way shorter than that, but last time I tried the guy cutting it absolutely flat-out refused. ("You'll look like a guy!" he said, and just wouldn't hear of it. Fucker.) So I was going to take this picture in to some nice, non-asshole hairdresser and say "no, really." (Found while looking for that picture: Yowza)
So that's what I really really really wanted to do, and have wanted for a long time, and I didn't. Because... because... because I really believe it would look awesome and I'd love it, and if I did it when I felt good about myself I'd be a really tall, good looking, confident woman with a slightly butch haircut and I'd feel really comfy in my own skin and be presenting exactly how I want to. If I do it right now, when all I can see when I look in the mirror is fat and ugly? I'll just be a fat insecure chick who doesn't want anyone to look at her and is incapable of ever looking good at all.
Look, I have great hair. Really good hiar. It's the only bit of my body that hasn't changed in ways I utterly hate over the last four years, and it's also absolutely the only way I'm capable of looking really feminine, you know?. And that... helps, in some situations when I feel like I have to be feminine enough, like I'm obligated to dress up or look a certain way to be taken seriously. Tomorrow I have to go to church for a family thing, and I'll have to wear a skirt and heels and I'll hate it and feel off-balance and uncomfortable and like I'm in drag... but my hair will look gorgeous and that will help.
Anyway. Frustrating. Because I do genuinely love the way it looks, but there are things I want to do but can't because I need a security blanket against my own fucking gender issues and body image issues. Both of which have been way worse than usual for the last few months. Bleh.
This entry was originally posted at http://dragojustine.dreamwidth.org/121148.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Yes, right, I get like this sometimes. Also I really like rock'n'roll. Does it show? It saddens me a little that Adam's music involves no awesome hard-rocking solos suitable for a ringtone. Maybe the intro to Soaked? But if I want a prog-rock Muse keyboard riff I just should use a Muse keyboard riff, I think. Anyway, I still need to get some piano blues for mom and some 90s swing revival with saxaphones for C and and and... Yaay ringtones! Seriously. My last phone was 8 years old and couldn't do ringtones, and despite the massive awesomeness packed into the droid (IM! Google maps!), this is the thing I'm excited about.
I gotta say, though, Pandora cracks me up. It turns out that when you start out with Adam Lambert, it gives you two solid hours of Idol competitors. I was a little offended that the Pandora Gods though I'd appreciate nonstop Daughtry and Clay Aiken, but then I remember that all it knew about me was "likes Adam Lambert and thumbs-uped that one Kris Allen thing." To me, that says "slash fangirl!" but I suppose reasonable people might reach a different conclusion. Plus, it turns out Daughtry's pretty good, so. But mostly my problem with Pandora is that I like music I already know, you know? I like a lot of familiarity and only come around to new music very slowly. But I'll give it a try.
*cough* Sometimes I get babbly. Sorry?
I'm not feeling terribly good these days, though.
Lots of it is anxiety about moving. I keep shying away from it in my head, because if I think to much about it I hyperventilate and have to remind myself to breathe, and that I can't worry about most of that stuff yet. People keep petting me and telling me that I'll be a great student, which is completely irrelevant- god, what about stocking a kitchen and buying furniture and figuring out where to get groceries and money and and and, holy shit, and I'm doing it again, breathe.
So anxiety. And some anticipation of loneliness. And some difficulty sleeping because of the heat. And part of it's that I got myself chewed up by mosquitos a few days ago and am having a big allergic reaction and am swollen up and in pain from my hips down.
Some of it's because I decided not to date here, because I'm leaving so soon, and can't logistically do casual sex these days, and am not suited to long distance relationships. (Everyone gets three deadly sins. My three are sloth, gluttony, and lust, and the greatest of these is lust. I hate going wtihout sex.)
Part of it is that I'm having lousy body image issues. All I can see anymore when I look in a mirror is fat and ugly, and I'm getting more frustrated and angry about it every day. (I suspect this is exacerbated by the no-sex problem. Nothing cures body image issues like good sex.)
So not feeling so good. Which is why I haven't posted so much, or done much fannish stuff, or written that smoking hot Adam/Tommy porn I've been meaning to.
I cut and redyed my hair, though, which helps a little- it looks really good. (Henna is like magic, really.) But even that's frustrating, because I wanted to get it short for the move, but my regular short haircut, about this length (found while looking for that picture: she's cute) is really bad in the heat, and I'm sort of terrified of how hot New York in August will be. What I really want, and have wanted for a few years, is something way shorter than that, but last time I tried the guy cutting it absolutely flat-out refused. ("You'll look like a guy!" he said, and just wouldn't hear of it. Fucker.) So I was going to take this picture in to some nice, non-asshole hairdresser and say "no, really." (Found while looking for that picture: Yowza)
So that's what I really really really wanted to do, and have wanted for a long time, and I didn't. Because... because... because I really believe it would look awesome and I'd love it, and if I did it when I felt good about myself I'd be a really tall, good looking, confident woman with a slightly butch haircut and I'd feel really comfy in my own skin and be presenting exactly how I want to. If I do it right now, when all I can see when I look in the mirror is fat and ugly? I'll just be a fat insecure chick who doesn't want anyone to look at her and is incapable of ever looking good at all.
Look, I have great hair. Really good hiar. It's the only bit of my body that hasn't changed in ways I utterly hate over the last four years, and it's also absolutely the only way I'm capable of looking really feminine, you know?. And that... helps, in some situations when I feel like I have to be feminine enough, like I'm obligated to dress up or look a certain way to be taken seriously. Tomorrow I have to go to church for a family thing, and I'll have to wear a skirt and heels and I'll hate it and feel off-balance and uncomfortable and like I'm in drag... but my hair will look gorgeous and that will help.
Anyway. Frustrating. Because I do genuinely love the way it looks, but there are things I want to do but can't because I need a security blanket against my own fucking gender issues and body image issues. Both of which have been way worse than usual for the last few months. Bleh.
This entry was originally posted at http://dragojustine.dreamwidth.org/121148.html. Please comment there using OpenID.