Never thought I would be back on livejournal
Dear Journal
If one were to read my journal they would probably get the idea that I was never happy, this however is not the case. It just happens to be when I write. It takes a great deal of effort for me to write, so it does not happen all that often. Mainly when I cannot think of anything else to do. I am writing today because of a girl. Not just a girl, the woman I am in love with. We had been happily dating for awhile. That has, as you may have guessed, changed recently, and I can honestly say at this moment, there is at least one thing I don't understand. This is my story, I can not promise to be unbiased but will make no intentional attempt to sway you, journal. I will begin with what course of events I may find to lead to the current condition. Perhaps a third of the way in to our relationship from now back to when it started, we chose to find an apartment together. I needed to have that sense of moving forward from my parents house and she needed to head out on her own as well. Her mother had recently decided against my visiting her house, this may have also lead us to the apartment together. Months progressed and I was able to find a job, this eased tensions greatly and life was seeming to be the best that I have ever had. We had our occasional spats or disagreements, but I can honestly say that I felt we always worked it out well. This is where I find our first mistake,(with exception to moving in together at all) I had just found my job and was starting to build a savings. Due to my lack of savings as of yet, we (this is only my recollection, it may have been even worse) decided to have me pay half the rent, she, being in a better financial place at the time, would pay half rent and cover bills. I was truly foolish to think this would work and would never have allowed it if I were not so oblivious and stupid. Needless to say, she grew to resent me. After what would turn out to be about two months of employment, I was laid off. The season had ended and I was no longer needed with the company. I was able to continue to pay half rent from the money I had saved while working for those two months, but this would dwindle, and I had to find a job. All the time that I was at that job I was also applying to other positions, knowing that the work I had would probably not change from its current seasonal description. She was supportive of me through this, but began to become more, for lack of sleep or a better word, naggy for me to find a job. Even to this day I have still not found one but am looking more diligently than ever. It helps to keep my mind as completely focused on something else as possible. I will add at this point that the various stressers were influencing me to lose interest in sleeping with her and lose sight of her needs. I would not say "I loved you" to her as often, not give her the quality time that she needed. I foolishly grew to resent her job of all things, saying terrible things like she didn't know what it was like to find a job in the economy right now. That her job was a result of her father speaking to the right person at the right time. Terrible things. Neglecting to consider her in the situation, her excellent work ethic, her struggle for greatness at anything she attempts, her skill as an artisan, and her ability work through anything as long as she had support. I was that support, and I was not doing my job. Things moved forward and I continually lost sight of what was important. The constant search for employment with no interview to speak of was slowly wearing me away. While this was happening to me, she was under the stress of not knowing when and if she would have to start paying the rent all alone. I could not, in my blindness, see how she could not trust me to figure something out. I foolishly believed that I could take out a loan, or... I didn't know. I just had blind confidence. What I should have been doing was conversing with my significant other to help sort the situation out. I continued to neglect chores and basic living functions at home. It was not that I ever believed that she should do all or any of the cleaning or general house work, I was truly losing sight of the bigger picture. I should have listened. She was supportive for the most part, occasionally being critical, but more often looking out for my best interests. The funds were running low and rent was becoming desperate. I either decided or was suggested (I just do not remember at the moment) to take out a loan from my parents for rent. Once again my foolish ignorance to her feelings had me take out a loan too small, merely enough for rent each month. She spoke to me about it and I (if I remember correctly) quickly rectified it, increasing it to include half bills, food, and other necessities. This money made it possible for us to stay until the six month lease was up. We decided that I could not afford to stay and should move back in with my parents temporarily. I would help her find another apartment, and after some time to establish myself, we would move back in with each other. It was perhaps a month and a half ago that something seemingly eventful would occur. I started to doubt how I felt about her romantically. I still had strong feelings of attraction and adoration toward her, but something had changed. I would later discover this to be because the emotional high had finally worn off. I had never been in a relationship, let alone a serious relationship, long enough to know what I was experiencing. This discovery would come too late it would seem. In a foolish attempt to not ruin our relationship together, something that I valued greatly (yet was not showing well), I did not tell her that I may be having doubts or that anything had changed. This I now feel to have been a deceitful action, denying her of any choice in the matter. Due to my confusion, the general and wrongful neglect of her worsened. That isn't to say that we did not have truly great times, in fact those were some of the best. I just know that she was not being cared for emotionally as well as she needed and it was getting worse every day. I was preparing for finals, looking for a job, trying to understand my new emotional stance, and working on moving out, all of which was becoming too overwhelming. Stress from getting things moved and I not giving a scheduled time that I would do so (something we had been struggling with, she needing plans, and I needing to be able to do things spur of the moment) was really wearing on her as well. I was feeling the need for some time off, not just from her, but because moving, and school were already ending shortly, she was the only thing left that I needed a moment from. Finally I moved out, this took a bit of work but we were able to accomplish it relatively easily. I had not asked for the week off, but instead had made the foolish mistake of inferring that I needed the space. She continued to talk to me and text me, which was not unpleasant, just distracting. She was hurt by my distance. I am still truly sorry for the events mentioned prior and for those to come. After several days she called and asked me if I was still in love with her. Now you see where the discovery would come too late, for at this time I had still not been able to decode what was going on. She asked, and I replied that I did not know. This was not to hurt her in any way, I just felt that I should be honest. I have since then asked many friends and been given every opinion from "you did the right thing in telling her" to "you should never say anything like that, have you no consideration for her feelings?" I still feel that I made the right choice, in fact at the time it had not occurred to me to say anything else. I only wish that at the time I had known how I felt and that I could have told her that indeed I am in love with her still. After this, but during the same call I came out and truly asked for a week or two of time with no contact so that I may have time to think. This act and the statement preceding it would turn out to be to much, which I can easily see now that the time has passed. Imagine that your significant other had unexpectedly become more distant in the last month or so, was happy for some space when they moved out while you were miserable for this reason, and when confronted with the question of whether or not they were still in love with you the only reply was that they did not know. Not "I am pretty sure but I don't know" which in hindsight would have been far more accurate. It crushed her, and the following day she showed up with the remnants of my things that I had left at her place, either for her to use or for me to use when I visited. She said that she could not take it anymore and that she was breaking it off. I was in shock and could only agree with her reasons that she had given. To this day I regret not chasing after her asking for her back. I had not yet been able to understand why I was feeling the way I was and still felt that I needed a week of time to think. I believe it was the following day when I received a call from her asking how I could have slept with her over the last month when I did not know if I was still in love with her. I said that there was nothing I could say that wouldn't get me in trouble. The first thought that came to my head was that she was looking for a fight. I understood shortly after this conversation that she was hurt, and felt that I had used her. In fact, I had never felt like I knew that I was in love with her during that time of confusion more than when we shared that together. It had been a moment of clarity in the truly confusing turmoil. At the time all I could think to say was that I had not wanted to hurt her feelings by rejecting her, which I did all to often due to the loss of interest in that activity, which did not help my confusion. When going to the doctor I had been nervous to check the box marked "loss of sexual interest" in the current symptoms section. The last two or three times that I had been to the doctor, which happens more often for me than most people, I had gotten up the courage to do so. I was informed that this was a major symptom of stress and very unlikely to be actual loss of interest, though I suppose I digress. This answer understandably hurt her greatly. She asked for all of her stuff back and wanted to know exactly when I would get it to her. Because scheduling had been a major point of conflict between us, and I was emotional, for the first time truly realizing that we were no longer together (which hurt very deeply) I became incredibly angry. I thought that she had no right to ask me to schedule a time to bring her her things. I said that I would get them to her when I had a chance and that she would have to wait until I had an open time. I promise I used more colorful words, don't think that I was being reasonable. She needed these things for closure and I was denying her of that. I didn't want to let go. I demanded that I was right, I was emotional. I yelled and swore and hung up on her. These things I promised I would never do. She deserved better. After taking some time to think and to contact several of our friends, I was starting to realize what I had done wrong, which was a lot. I proceeded to call and apologize, asking when I could get her things to her. I brought them the next day. We spoke to each other at her place. We started flirting as we had before, decided that it wasn't time yet, and headed to get a meal. During the visit I shared my wants for the relationship. I want nothing more than to be dating you, seeing you three to four nights a week, spending the night occasionally. This is what I told her, and still I truly mean it. I just wasn't ready yet. Maybe a week, maybe a few days, just some time to get the last things sorted out. I already knew that I was in love with her still, I just needed a moment of friendship. We had a moment after several days without seeing each other to talk. We decided that we wanted to be monogamous friends, I wanted to see no one else but her, and she wanted to see no one else but me. We just needed a moment of time. We tried to hang out the following monday as friends. The keyword is tried. She came over and we headed out in the car, no real plan of action, just to spend time together. I was having difficulty just being friends, though in the back of my head I was telling myself it would be worth it, just hold strong, just for a little while. She had apparently been feeling the same way because she came out and said it. That was very honest of her, and I appreciate it. She was honest and warned me that if I didn't call off the visit that she would kiss me. I was too happy to see her and spend time with her to drop her off yet. I wrongfully decided to chance it, not thinking things through. Her subdued advances got the better of me several times, I truly wanted it. The killer in this situation was the voice in the back of my mind. I broke away from affection several times saying we should wait. That we had decided to wait for awhile before we dated again, not realizing that because we had made that decision together, together we could break it and be together again, right now. I had been neglecting her emotional needs and being seemingly indecisive did not help. Though I had one concrete desire and feeling toward her, I came across as wishy washy, though I hope that it is obvious that it was never intended that way now. That night, before she left, she asked if she could wait for me. Though I had already asked her that very thing, I had never used the exact words. This may seem trivial, but to me I had not realized that I had done it before. I told her that I could not ask her to wait for me. I felt that it was wrong of me to ask for something so selfish when in fact I already had. I have now come to another of my deepest regrets. I wanted more than anything for her to wait for me, if I had told her then, or followed through with my feelings, I truly believe that we would not be where we are now. The following day we tried again. She said that she could handle just being friends if I could. We worked on a project of hers and then watched Newsies. I joined her on the couch and she placed her legs across my lap. It was a cuddle of affection and I truly appreciated it. Though the feelings I had for her were nearly unbearable, we had a genuinely fun time. As far as denying the romantic feelings for each other, all went well. Though this is the last time that I would see her in person before it was too late, or for the time being, of staying friends. Though we had borrowed the book "the 5 love languages" we had neglected to read it. I had been meaning to ask her if I could borrow and read the book for awhile because we had left it at her place during the move. I had repeatedly forgotten to ask. The following day she went with a friend from work to a movie. I had encouraged it, not wanting to interfere in her life. I wanted to go with her instead, but once again I remained silent. She had gone as friends but felt that the other person may have had other intentions. She went and had a great time. Two days after the movie night I received a text saying that she needed to talk to me. I returned the call and she informed me that the previous night her friend had kissed her. She hadn't resisted and returned the kiss. She felt she ought to tell me because we had agreed that we would. I do not rightly remember, but either that day or the following day we got together for ice cream to talk. She could tell that she had hurt me and said that she was sorry that she had. She told me that she was confused and that she didn't know how she got herself into the situation. Later she said that she needed a break from seeing both of us in person, a moment to think, to collect herself. She stated a deadline of the following monday. I could text her and call her but not see her in person, I understood. Having realized by this time, earlier in fact, that I was not only in love with her, but that she was indeed the most important thing in my life. I spoke to several mutual friends looking for advice and opinions. Many different sources and points of view helped me see the bigger picture. I decided to pick up my own copy of "the five love languages." I was determined to make this work. Starting from that point I read the book religiously. I have since learned many things. A major one being that true love is a choice. One must choose to love another in the way that they understand. I set out to fix myself to those standards, work toward the things that make her happy. To make sure that when we got back together she would never again doubt that I loved her. Never again be confused or unhappy. In an effort to give her her space yet clear up any confusion that she may have had about my feelings and desires towards her, I wrote her a letter. I started by apologizing. I ended it by stating that she could have all the time that she needed. That I would wait for her. I delivered the letter and two roses to her door when she was at work so that I may give her space and avoid seeing her as she had requested. Though I had not expected a reply for a week or two I received a phone call from her later that day. She had read the letter and said that though the letter was very clear, she did not have an answer for me, she didn't know what to say, she didn't know when she would. I ended the call by saying that I loved her. Though I had been heartbroken before, I was now more so. I still do not know when her feelings had changed. The last I was told before this call she had said that she was still in love with me. That, is the main thing that I still do not understand. In a last ditch effort to win her back, under the belief that it could get no worse and that perhaps if she saw me in person she would believe me, I downloaded the UP soundtrack (our movie) and bought a whole bunch of balloons. I realized that it was still before monday, but I felt I had to try something if I was going save our relationship. I had made the mistake of not chasing her at the very least twice before, I was never going to let that happen again. I then proceeded to travel to the her apartment in order to do something stupid and hopefully romantic. When I arrived she was not there. In an effort to not give anything away I had not contacted her before hand. It was at this time that I sent a text to see where she was. Her reply was that she was at the friends house. She shortly followed with a second text requesting that I not contact her, no letters, no phone calls, for one month so that she may figure things out. I no longer know where I stand. I hope that we can work things out. I am in love with her. I enjoy my time with her more than with any other person. I want her to be happy. I am willing to work hard to make that happen, I just hope that it is not too late. I know that I will give her space, but beyond that I don't know what to do.
If one were to read my journal they would probably get the idea that I was never happy, this however is not the case. It just happens to be when I write. It takes a great deal of effort for me to write, so it does not happen all that often. Mainly when I cannot think of anything else to do. I am writing today because of a girl. Not just a girl, the woman I am in love with. We had been happily dating for awhile. That has, as you may have guessed, changed recently, and I can honestly say at this moment, there is at least one thing I don't understand. This is my story, I can not promise to be unbiased but will make no intentional attempt to sway you, journal. I will begin with what course of events I may find to lead to the current condition. Perhaps a third of the way in to our relationship from now back to when it started, we chose to find an apartment together. I needed to have that sense of moving forward from my parents house and she needed to head out on her own as well. Her mother had recently decided against my visiting her house, this may have also lead us to the apartment together. Months progressed and I was able to find a job, this eased tensions greatly and life was seeming to be the best that I have ever had. We had our occasional spats or disagreements, but I can honestly say that I felt we always worked it out well. This is where I find our first mistake,(with exception to moving in together at all) I had just found my job and was starting to build a savings. Due to my lack of savings as of yet, we (this is only my recollection, it may have been even worse) decided to have me pay half the rent, she, being in a better financial place at the time, would pay half rent and cover bills. I was truly foolish to think this would work and would never have allowed it if I were not so oblivious and stupid. Needless to say, she grew to resent me. After what would turn out to be about two months of employment, I was laid off. The season had ended and I was no longer needed with the company. I was able to continue to pay half rent from the money I had saved while working for those two months, but this would dwindle, and I had to find a job. All the time that I was at that job I was also applying to other positions, knowing that the work I had would probably not change from its current seasonal description. She was supportive of me through this, but began to become more, for lack of sleep or a better word, naggy for me to find a job. Even to this day I have still not found one but am looking more diligently than ever. It helps to keep my mind as completely focused on something else as possible. I will add at this point that the various stressers were influencing me to lose interest in sleeping with her and lose sight of her needs. I would not say "I loved you" to her as often, not give her the quality time that she needed. I foolishly grew to resent her job of all things, saying terrible things like she didn't know what it was like to find a job in the economy right now. That her job was a result of her father speaking to the right person at the right time. Terrible things. Neglecting to consider her in the situation, her excellent work ethic, her struggle for greatness at anything she attempts, her skill as an artisan, and her ability work through anything as long as she had support. I was that support, and I was not doing my job. Things moved forward and I continually lost sight of what was important. The constant search for employment with no interview to speak of was slowly wearing me away. While this was happening to me, she was under the stress of not knowing when and if she would have to start paying the rent all alone. I could not, in my blindness, see how she could not trust me to figure something out. I foolishly believed that I could take out a loan, or... I didn't know. I just had blind confidence. What I should have been doing was conversing with my significant other to help sort the situation out. I continued to neglect chores and basic living functions at home. It was not that I ever believed that she should do all or any of the cleaning or general house work, I was truly losing sight of the bigger picture. I should have listened. She was supportive for the most part, occasionally being critical, but more often looking out for my best interests. The funds were running low and rent was becoming desperate. I either decided or was suggested (I just do not remember at the moment) to take out a loan from my parents for rent. Once again my foolish ignorance to her feelings had me take out a loan too small, merely enough for rent each month. She spoke to me about it and I (if I remember correctly) quickly rectified it, increasing it to include half bills, food, and other necessities. This money made it possible for us to stay until the six month lease was up. We decided that I could not afford to stay and should move back in with my parents temporarily. I would help her find another apartment, and after some time to establish myself, we would move back in with each other. It was perhaps a month and a half ago that something seemingly eventful would occur. I started to doubt how I felt about her romantically. I still had strong feelings of attraction and adoration toward her, but something had changed. I would later discover this to be because the emotional high had finally worn off. I had never been in a relationship, let alone a serious relationship, long enough to know what I was experiencing. This discovery would come too late it would seem. In a foolish attempt to not ruin our relationship together, something that I valued greatly (yet was not showing well), I did not tell her that I may be having doubts or that anything had changed. This I now feel to have been a deceitful action, denying her of any choice in the matter. Due to my confusion, the general and wrongful neglect of her worsened. That isn't to say that we did not have truly great times, in fact those were some of the best. I just know that she was not being cared for emotionally as well as she needed and it was getting worse every day. I was preparing for finals, looking for a job, trying to understand my new emotional stance, and working on moving out, all of which was becoming too overwhelming. Stress from getting things moved and I not giving a scheduled time that I would do so (something we had been struggling with, she needing plans, and I needing to be able to do things spur of the moment) was really wearing on her as well. I was feeling the need for some time off, not just from her, but because moving, and school were already ending shortly, she was the only thing left that I needed a moment from. Finally I moved out, this took a bit of work but we were able to accomplish it relatively easily. I had not asked for the week off, but instead had made the foolish mistake of inferring that I needed the space. She continued to talk to me and text me, which was not unpleasant, just distracting. She was hurt by my distance. I am still truly sorry for the events mentioned prior and for those to come. After several days she called and asked me if I was still in love with her. Now you see where the discovery would come too late, for at this time I had still not been able to decode what was going on. She asked, and I replied that I did not know. This was not to hurt her in any way, I just felt that I should be honest. I have since then asked many friends and been given every opinion from "you did the right thing in telling her" to "you should never say anything like that, have you no consideration for her feelings?" I still feel that I made the right choice, in fact at the time it had not occurred to me to say anything else. I only wish that at the time I had known how I felt and that I could have told her that indeed I am in love with her still. After this, but during the same call I came out and truly asked for a week or two of time with no contact so that I may have time to think. This act and the statement preceding it would turn out to be to much, which I can easily see now that the time has passed. Imagine that your significant other had unexpectedly become more distant in the last month or so, was happy for some space when they moved out while you were miserable for this reason, and when confronted with the question of whether or not they were still in love with you the only reply was that they did not know. Not "I am pretty sure but I don't know" which in hindsight would have been far more accurate. It crushed her, and the following day she showed up with the remnants of my things that I had left at her place, either for her to use or for me to use when I visited. She said that she could not take it anymore and that she was breaking it off. I was in shock and could only agree with her reasons that she had given. To this day I regret not chasing after her asking for her back. I had not yet been able to understand why I was feeling the way I was and still felt that I needed a week of time to think. I believe it was the following day when I received a call from her asking how I could have slept with her over the last month when I did not know if I was still in love with her. I said that there was nothing I could say that wouldn't get me in trouble. The first thought that came to my head was that she was looking for a fight. I understood shortly after this conversation that she was hurt, and felt that I had used her. In fact, I had never felt like I knew that I was in love with her during that time of confusion more than when we shared that together. It had been a moment of clarity in the truly confusing turmoil. At the time all I could think to say was that I had not wanted to hurt her feelings by rejecting her, which I did all to often due to the loss of interest in that activity, which did not help my confusion. When going to the doctor I had been nervous to check the box marked "loss of sexual interest" in the current symptoms section. The last two or three times that I had been to the doctor, which happens more often for me than most people, I had gotten up the courage to do so. I was informed that this was a major symptom of stress and very unlikely to be actual loss of interest, though I suppose I digress. This answer understandably hurt her greatly. She asked for all of her stuff back and wanted to know exactly when I would get it to her. Because scheduling had been a major point of conflict between us, and I was emotional, for the first time truly realizing that we were no longer together (which hurt very deeply) I became incredibly angry. I thought that she had no right to ask me to schedule a time to bring her her things. I said that I would get them to her when I had a chance and that she would have to wait until I had an open time. I promise I used more colorful words, don't think that I was being reasonable. She needed these things for closure and I was denying her of that. I didn't want to let go. I demanded that I was right, I was emotional. I yelled and swore and hung up on her. These things I promised I would never do. She deserved better. After taking some time to think and to contact several of our friends, I was starting to realize what I had done wrong, which was a lot. I proceeded to call and apologize, asking when I could get her things to her. I brought them the next day. We spoke to each other at her place. We started flirting as we had before, decided that it wasn't time yet, and headed to get a meal. During the visit I shared my wants for the relationship. I want nothing more than to be dating you, seeing you three to four nights a week, spending the night occasionally. This is what I told her, and still I truly mean it. I just wasn't ready yet. Maybe a week, maybe a few days, just some time to get the last things sorted out. I already knew that I was in love with her still, I just needed a moment of friendship. We had a moment after several days without seeing each other to talk. We decided that we wanted to be monogamous friends, I wanted to see no one else but her, and she wanted to see no one else but me. We just needed a moment of time. We tried to hang out the following monday as friends. The keyword is tried. She came over and we headed out in the car, no real plan of action, just to spend time together. I was having difficulty just being friends, though in the back of my head I was telling myself it would be worth it, just hold strong, just for a little while. She had apparently been feeling the same way because she came out and said it. That was very honest of her, and I appreciate it. She was honest and warned me that if I didn't call off the visit that she would kiss me. I was too happy to see her and spend time with her to drop her off yet. I wrongfully decided to chance it, not thinking things through. Her subdued advances got the better of me several times, I truly wanted it. The killer in this situation was the voice in the back of my mind. I broke away from affection several times saying we should wait. That we had decided to wait for awhile before we dated again, not realizing that because we had made that decision together, together we could break it and be together again, right now. I had been neglecting her emotional needs and being seemingly indecisive did not help. Though I had one concrete desire and feeling toward her, I came across as wishy washy, though I hope that it is obvious that it was never intended that way now. That night, before she left, she asked if she could wait for me. Though I had already asked her that very thing, I had never used the exact words. This may seem trivial, but to me I had not realized that I had done it before. I told her that I could not ask her to wait for me. I felt that it was wrong of me to ask for something so selfish when in fact I already had. I have now come to another of my deepest regrets. I wanted more than anything for her to wait for me, if I had told her then, or followed through with my feelings, I truly believe that we would not be where we are now. The following day we tried again. She said that she could handle just being friends if I could. We worked on a project of hers and then watched Newsies. I joined her on the couch and she placed her legs across my lap. It was a cuddle of affection and I truly appreciated it. Though the feelings I had for her were nearly unbearable, we had a genuinely fun time. As far as denying the romantic feelings for each other, all went well. Though this is the last time that I would see her in person before it was too late, or for the time being, of staying friends. Though we had borrowed the book "the 5 love languages" we had neglected to read it. I had been meaning to ask her if I could borrow and read the book for awhile because we had left it at her place during the move. I had repeatedly forgotten to ask. The following day she went with a friend from work to a movie. I had encouraged it, not wanting to interfere in her life. I wanted to go with her instead, but once again I remained silent. She had gone as friends but felt that the other person may have had other intentions. She went and had a great time. Two days after the movie night I received a text saying that she needed to talk to me. I returned the call and she informed me that the previous night her friend had kissed her. She hadn't resisted and returned the kiss. She felt she ought to tell me because we had agreed that we would. I do not rightly remember, but either that day or the following day we got together for ice cream to talk. She could tell that she had hurt me and said that she was sorry that she had. She told me that she was confused and that she didn't know how she got herself into the situation. Later she said that she needed a break from seeing both of us in person, a moment to think, to collect herself. She stated a deadline of the following monday. I could text her and call her but not see her in person, I understood. Having realized by this time, earlier in fact, that I was not only in love with her, but that she was indeed the most important thing in my life. I spoke to several mutual friends looking for advice and opinions. Many different sources and points of view helped me see the bigger picture. I decided to pick up my own copy of "the five love languages." I was determined to make this work. Starting from that point I read the book religiously. I have since learned many things. A major one being that true love is a choice. One must choose to love another in the way that they understand. I set out to fix myself to those standards, work toward the things that make her happy. To make sure that when we got back together she would never again doubt that I loved her. Never again be confused or unhappy. In an effort to give her her space yet clear up any confusion that she may have had about my feelings and desires towards her, I wrote her a letter. I started by apologizing. I ended it by stating that she could have all the time that she needed. That I would wait for her. I delivered the letter and two roses to her door when she was at work so that I may give her space and avoid seeing her as she had requested. Though I had not expected a reply for a week or two I received a phone call from her later that day. She had read the letter and said that though the letter was very clear, she did not have an answer for me, she didn't know what to say, she didn't know when she would. I ended the call by saying that I loved her. Though I had been heartbroken before, I was now more so. I still do not know when her feelings had changed. The last I was told before this call she had said that she was still in love with me. That, is the main thing that I still do not understand. In a last ditch effort to win her back, under the belief that it could get no worse and that perhaps if she saw me in person she would believe me, I downloaded the UP soundtrack (our movie) and bought a whole bunch of balloons. I realized that it was still before monday, but I felt I had to try something if I was going save our relationship. I had made the mistake of not chasing her at the very least twice before, I was never going to let that happen again. I then proceeded to travel to the her apartment in order to do something stupid and hopefully romantic. When I arrived she was not there. In an effort to not give anything away I had not contacted her before hand. It was at this time that I sent a text to see where she was. Her reply was that she was at the friends house. She shortly followed with a second text requesting that I not contact her, no letters, no phone calls, for one month so that she may figure things out. I no longer know where I stand. I hope that we can work things out. I am in love with her. I enjoy my time with her more than with any other person. I want her to be happy. I am willing to work hard to make that happen, I just hope that it is not too late. I know that I will give her space, but beyond that I don't know what to do.