My Family is Retarded, Part 2
Daylight Savings Time is a bitch, kids.
Last night, before bed, Maggie told me she was worried about her hamster, Bean. She said she saw his balls, but she thought he had something enormous down there that might be a tumor. Smirking, I went into her room and took a look at him. My suspicions were, of course, confirmed.
"Maggie, it's okay. He's normal." Pause. "Your hamster has an enormous schlong."
"What??"
"It's true."
"But... but I pick him up and it gets bigger..." her voice trailed off and her eyes got really, really big. Stef, who was sitting at Maggie's desk, began laughing her ass off.
"I think your hamster loves you, Maggie."
I started singing "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters. Stef liked the "...and I just can't hide it..." part.
Then she told me about her hamster climbing on top of a little log in his cage and rocking back and forth on it. As she described it, I saw the lightbulb go on above her head. She looked at me.
"Yeah. He's masturbating, Magoo," I said. "Even animals do it."
"Maggie's hamster's a pervert!" shrieked Stefanie.
Last night, before bed, Maggie told me she was worried about her hamster, Bean. She said she saw his balls, but she thought he had something enormous down there that might be a tumor. Smirking, I went into her room and took a look at him. My suspicions were, of course, confirmed.
"Maggie, it's okay. He's normal." Pause. "Your hamster has an enormous schlong."
"What??"
"It's true."
"But... but I pick him up and it gets bigger..." her voice trailed off and her eyes got really, really big. Stef, who was sitting at Maggie's desk, began laughing her ass off.
"I think your hamster loves you, Maggie."
I started singing "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters. Stef liked the "...and I just can't hide it..." part.
Then she told me about her hamster climbing on top of a little log in his cage and rocking back and forth on it. As she described it, I saw the lightbulb go on above her head. She looked at me.
"Yeah. He's masturbating, Magoo," I said. "Even animals do it."
"Maggie's hamster's a pervert!" shrieked Stefanie.