The Plunge
I feel the fear creeping in. I told myself that I had no time to go around fearing things. Why am I hesitant to jump into the cold water? I know that the consequence is not that terrible. I know that I will get an exhilarating rush when I do. Yet, I stand up to my knees in the frigid water. Anticipation grows as I contemplate the momentary shock. I think about how hot the air is and how many times before I had wished for this moment of cold, wet relief. Yet I wait and mentally prepare for the plunge. My heart thumps harder as the moment of truth grows near. I tell myself, finally, that I need to stop thinking about it and do it. I hesitate once more before the more primal part of me says, “just do it!” I do it. I’m under and up in a second, but while momentarily submerged, time stands still. The sensation of cold is particularly intense on my scalp. I stand up and the chill engulfs me. It is neither pleasant nor unpleasant. It is an equal jolt to both the body and the mind.. I am no longer hot and the hot air feels refreshing. I feel alive, and it feels great. What would possess me to wait for such an experience? I feel that from now on I should be eager to just jump right on in.
I want to find some words trickling through space. The space is in my head. It is vast and far and wide.
Infinity may find me.
It may take a while.
I’d like to know what thoughts I think and think them all the time. My mind is filled with chatter. Chatter all the time. The chatter that I hear is just my voice within my head. I ask myself the following question: if that voice belonged to another person, would I like him? I can’t answer that at the moment.
I’m trying to write a steady flow of consciousness but I quickly get hung up on a thought I had a while ago. I do not want to stop and go back, but it is difficult to go on. I am obsessed with missed thoughts. Everything I think is so important - to me anyway. Why is that? I have difficulty letting unfinished thoughts slip by, but I often find myself at a loss for words. And though my mind may seem empty, void, and blank at times, that is simply not the case. It’s quite the contrary. My mind is always full of thoughts. I have so many random, important thoughts bouncing through the universe of my mind that they all just become a huge, jumbled, convoluted mess.
So I’m at another crossroad. Which way do I go? I convinced myself that I was incredible once; I can do it again. Despair finds its way back. I recognize this and I will not let it leech the life out of me. I need to relax and enjoy my time here.
DON’T LET FEAR COERCE YOU!
Good god I need to find my center. I need to think like ME again. Not what I think others think I should think like.
Maybe I need to take a drink of something.
A word or two on why I am mad: My life has been stricken with madness. A series of choices and the respective results have thrown me around like a raft at sea. This sea has become a whirlpool. I’m no worse off than I was two years ago, but boy would I be surprised if I could go back and tell me how things would turn out.
It’s safe to say that I would have done things differently, but fortunately that is not possible. I think if you could always correct the past, you’d never get anywhere. Because no matter what you do at any given point, chaos always has the upper hand.
Chaos is the way of the world. Nature is chaos. Chaos is God.
So go with the flow.
Jump on in.
The water is fine.