I'm not invisible
So...I have been really sick. It has been almost 2 weeks now. I won't go into any details, bc I just do not feel like it. On top of that I am starting to feel like a huge failure to everything and everyone in my life. It is the worst feeling in the world. I am realizing that I am not really doing much with my life. I wake up every Mon-Fri go to work, come home, do whatever around the house, and go to bed...my weekends are usually spent at home or occassionally out with a friend...but I am starting to really see that people aren't who I thought that they were, and maybe I am not who I thought that I was. I have lost touch with a lot of people, and I keep putting the blame on them, but I am starting to see that it has mostly been my fault. I don't know what happened when I moved back home, but somehow I became this scared little girl again. Afraid to go out, afraid to let people see me, afraid of what people will think of me. I have been so busy hiding here for almost a year now that I feel like I have completely lost myself and now I do not even know where to go to find me.I feel like a disappointment to a lot of people...a lot of people that I really care about....a disappointment to myself, which is the worst of all. I misplaced everything that I ever believed in myself. My spunk and my need to constantly be the goofy one...to do the hammer dance in the middle of walmart, or make announcements before i fart in public, to wear something out of the ordinary, to color my hair pink just bc. i have lost the ability to cut loose and be me without giving a fuck what anyone thinks of it. I don't just go out and meet people anymore...as a matter of fact I hate it, bc I hate who i have turned into. I am seriously stuck in a rut. I don't wanna be the party girl again, but I don't what to be the anti social loner either. I am incredibly confused again.....single again..... fucked up beyond belief according to some people....im just tired and sick and bored and lost and poor and lonely....I am a whole shit ton of things right now that I don't wanna be.