Tangent -- For One Who Will Know the Meaning
And I cannot be afford a single wink of that blessed sleep. I try to close my eyes and let the worries of the day slip away, but they haunt me, these phantoms. Shades of nightmare dance around my head, taunting me with the promise of reality and staying just beyond my grasp. All the heroes have died and been replaced with talking heads that instruct me in the ways of life -- which I do not follow.
I left the pack behind long ago and, being lone, I have struck out to break the template to which I am finding myself on a pedistal millions of miles above the rest of the souls that mill about, down there, on the ground. These chains are not mine and these crosses should not be borne with my frailty under the massive weight. Nothing tangible to hold onto, only these thoughts which have roused my from slumber once again to remind me of who I set out to be. But I wonder if it is what is really right.
It is not the easiest task being your Golden Goddess to which I am above fault. I never asked for this and you will not let me down from here when all I want to do is walk on the solid ground where everyone I love is. This place so lofty and desolate. It's empty and void of everything but my own pleas and screams for help. It is so high up here and I cannot get down because you took the ladder away. The only thing left to me is to fall. Did I mention I'm afraid of heights?
I am supposed to have all the answers, to be the salve for your wounds and to nurture you when you have been forsaken. I am not the way and the light you seek. You have placed your devoting into the wrong deity, an idol with feet made of clay. I did not want your praise and your devotion, your faith and your hopes. I cannot fulfill your dreams and make the world right. All I could ever do was survive and you try to burden me with your soul to carry as well.
You yearn for freedom, but you want to shackle me to you and make me prisoner once again. It always started slow and little in the begining, but it always grows to immeasurable weight. I could never bear the weight and though you have so much faith in me and did not listen, I have buckled beneath it again to be a butterfly crushed on the wheel. I let you in once, that was the inquest to what has become. But I, the fool, let you in again and the patterns repeat. Can you please just let me be free?
All I ever could be, the potential, you are draining away with the encumbering mass that sits on my shoulders. I dreamed once, and when that dream did not include you, I was given the feeling that I was to be contrite for it. But I was not. You see, I dream for me. To dream for you as well is too great a task for me when I have not even found my own and I cannot bear it any longer.
When I close my eyes, I am tortured and you are the one holding the device that brings me pain and agony. I cannot even find isolation in my own head without your words invading my own. You promised it would not be like this again. You may not have designed it to be, but this is what it has become. This cell that holds me is a creation of your own and I can find no escape until you let me. I do not want to be here anymore and you hold the key to release. So, I am begging you --
Release me.
I entreat you --
Release me.
Amendment: I have received four replies to this post which I am not unscreening to keep the innocent protected. What bothers me most is that this was a post for one person who knows who they are, and yet, four people who it was not meant for seem to think it was about them. I didn't know I was such a bad person to instill so much guilt into my friends that would make them think it had something to do with them. Let's leave it at this: the person it was meant for has read it and didn't reply to the post, but has spoken with me and know what it means and everything should be copacetic now. That is all.