"So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible."

[draegonhawke]

I spent most of last week feeling like crap either physically or emotionally. (Or both. It was sometimes both.) Along with a persistent low-grade fever, I got hit with a case of I'm not doing anything with my life, I'm not going anywhere with my life, I will never amount to anything and I'm never going to mean more than I mean right now. Which

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[ryuu_no_hime]

I too, am back in the treadmill of emotional fail. Every term I end up shooting myself in the foot emotionally and academically, and I REALIZE THIS, and I'm TOO FUCKING STUBBORN to give up, even as I'm destroying my sanity bit by tiny bit in the process. (And it's not like I had all that much to spare to begin with.) I keep pinning my hopes on this whole "degree from Caltech" thing as an instant path to happiness once I get it. But the thing is that even IF this degree-and-a-job thing were the key to instant happiness, that's still at least a year and a half away, so what the fuck am I supposed to do in the meantime?

In her moments of frustration, my mother tells me I should break out of this mindset and find something else I want to do, which is all very nice and good, except for the part where I'm not seeing many job/career options that would be open to me as a female college drop-out that would provide both financial independence and health coverage. The new health care bill goes a long way toward making the latter option available, but even so, not everything takes effect immediately, so just because that in 2014 insurers will have to stop discriminating against me and my preexisting conditions isn't going to make health insurance get magically more available to me in the meantime unless I get insurance through an employer group policy. So yeah, forgive me if I count that out as an option right now. @.@

Then there's always the "Transfer Schools" option, but I'm a bit lost as to thinking about where I could even transfer to with my sub-3.0 GPA. Granted, I haven't tried putting in applications anywhere, but I honestly quite doubt I could get into something of a better caliber than one of the Cal States. Which means I've managed to do the neat trick of failing in. (Okay, it's really not that neat.)

...Sorry, I managed to emobarf all over your journal. I'll shut up now.