Sussex
I’ve been awhile eh? Well the reason I haven’t been undated isn’t worth while, so to tell a complete lie, I’ve been spending the last few months possessed by “Fugi-Blake”, it’s a fungus that starts in-between your toes and moves up to your knees. Once at your knees it immediately sends a painful, accurate, and down right weird shot to the brain that targets and effects only the livejournal portion of your mind. Also I was feeling a bit gitty yesterday and that may have been of the fugi-factor. In any case, here was my training day In Sussex.
Despite my biggest worry of driving a total of almost three hours with people I didn’t know, my next door neighbor Pat apparently got the job my first interview was for. Although he is my next door neighbor, I haven’t really said more then “Hi” to him for the pass three years, not because we’re no longer friends, but simply because we rarely see one another. It took about ten seconds to begin a conversation and rest is history. You can read it in my Auto-Biography that will be released in the fall of 2066 entitled “Boo Yah! I’m Old and Still kicking!”
Ahhh Icebreakers, the world would be a better place if everyone knew everyone and we we’re all friend, what better to use then a silly little game to make everyone giggle and become close J. I hate ice breakers…no, no I despise them, better yet! Where is my thesaurus?...I loath, I bane, I scorn, I detest the digestive disturbance and disgust they create and further more I enmity them! Ok, well the last one doesn’t make sense grammatically, and icebreakers probably don’t hate me back, but that’s only probably, because I always make an ass of myself during introduction stages.
So this particular ice breaker was completely corroded contempt. I had a name taped to my back, so did all the other victims of this awkward peer pressure that is seen as good by almost everyone over the age of thirty, and understood as “lame” or much harsher words by everyone who has dignity or who doesn’t feel the need to cartwheel, back flip or strut in a “studdly but buddily” manor into the room (*Ahhh arrogance, how refreshing). In any case, we had to ask questions to find out who we were, and we had to find our match. Among the annoying questions “Eve” asked if she was fictional or real, to which I replied “That’s really a matter or opinion.” that disgusted a number of people whom have read the Bible...more then twice. As it turned out I was Jessica Simpson, and my “match” (*Whose name I’ve actually forgotten... yah ice breakers, how useless you are) was an unemployed daughter of one of the woman running this extravagant event. Thus explaining the title “My Husband is Unemployed”, you may now chuckle… ok, I see how it is… you may now fire nerf dart or throw soft objects in my direction, put that chair back Joel!
So after ice breakers, it was time for a game. A board stood before me on the table, it look like a prototype Monopoly board, except the colors were gross and instead of jail, free parking, or go to jail, it said “Pay Out” and the cards where “Emergency” and “Chance??????”. Oh, and half the board where chance cards, the other spaces where pay out or a chance to buy stuff. Pat ended up being Patrick, I, as I’m apparently quite feminine today (*I’m never using Eileen’s shampoo again…), got to be Barbara. These characters had families, sometimes jobs and whatnot, and the purpose was to show us what it would be like to live in poverty. Here is how it played out: Patrick ended up in deep debt despite his government support, and was forced to get a part time job. He couldn’t afford to buy his child hot dogs or cookies at the bake sale, or new boot in winter. Barbara had four children, twins of the age 14, a 10 and 8 year old. She was able to buy them everything on the board (treats, hot dogs, cookies, new boots) as well as a used couch and new dress for herself. Pat’s house also burnt down…damn, that just sucks Barbara’s dog fell ill, but luckily she was able to pay the vet bill, so Butch Bulldozer-Buffcakes the Poodle wasn’t put to sleep. Barb’s house was broken into by her Ex-Husband, which swirled me around in empathy, but don’t worry folks, she pulled through, and you know what, she found love. That’s right, Barbara got a chance card that offered her a girlfriend or boyfriend. This boyfriend or girlfriend (*Because I couldn’t come to a decision of who Barbara would truly feel this way about, it was generally assumed that her lover was both genders, rather I believed it was that frog that changes gender…or was that a fish… I guess I’m into cross breeding species, so I’ll say it was both, it was a frish). I later was told by a chance card Barbara was unexpectantly pregnant, oh frish, your incorrigible.
Pat and I went to KFC for some lunch. I used the bathroom. Who cares right? Well maybe there is a story to with it folks! But there isn’t. Well, there was a sign that said “Caution: Water gets REALLY Hot” which I thought was funny, but looking back, I was probably just really hungry. The cashier at KFC was rather excited to help and yelled everything to me. “YOU WANT GRAVY!” “Um... do I have to?” “NO!” “Ahhh… I’ll just…with the ketchup…I’ll pay now!” Afterward, because we had a good 45 minutes left, we went to Zeller’s so the security guard could have someone to watch. I wanted a Napoleon Dynamite poster, but I somehow talked myself out of it. On the walk back to the office we saw a little boy, about six or so, running his way through the parking lot. Raising an eyebrow in confusion I looked around for his mother, father or guardian, but to no avail. As I approached the kid, who actually seemed to be happen to see me, I saw a door farther up the mini mall open, and a woman bolt towards and child and screamed “Grab him.” After looking at the child I realized he wasn’t going anywhere, and was quite content picking his wedgie. All the same I stuck around until the woman came up and took him back to the car to the sleep man who was taking care of him.
After Pat turned and asked me how to spell Sussex, and I complied correctly, I turned to my paper and wrote Ssussex. Stopped, looked at it, looked at Pat, looked at what I wrote, and came very close to beginning my walk home :P.
So on my walk to Central Office this morning (*I didn’t want to stay work, Central Office is so bad ass!) I was crossing the walking bridge. In the middle a squirrel was running towards me, that is, until we saw me. At that point he or she pretty much flipped out and starting running the other way, until it realized people were walking that way too. It ran back and forth a bit, and then gave up and stood in the middle preparing its fangs. I pushed to the left so he could have some space and bolt off… man I wish I’d had my camera. Also I saw bears, deer, a moose and a family of ducks on the drive to/from Sussex. I think it was because I used my sister’s conditioner… I have a Snow White effect, moral of the story: buy white rain and the furry ones will be your friends.
If you enjoyed this, or any classic Drade LJ post, Pointless Enterprises is now offering to have a cassette recording, cd, or dvd reading or the live journalposts. The Dvd will feature slides from a roll of film Drade took while in Cape Breton last summer that includes: A drive by shot of afire-hydrant painted to ressemble Hobbes, of the amzing Calvin and Hobbies comic collection, a sandcastle created by David and Grant under the gruesome rule of Forman Blake, a picture of my brother's roommate's dog attacking Grant which will be used in the January 13th, 2006 episode of Judge Judy, and finally a picture of a strange looking tree and a big moth (*It seriously was REALLY BIG Kristin!)