My life as it stands right now
It's been a long road getting here where am am. I look back at my life and realize there's been alot of accomplishments and failures along the way. Yet here I am in another full time job, mild stress levels at this point, but picking myself back up and making headway with my finances. Moved back in with Corwin and live in his living room whilst the rest of my stuff awaits my return back at the other apartment. So far my paychecks have been swallowed up for one reason or another here be it rent food or phone. Other than that my life is getting spiffy, except inside my head. My heart as long as I can remember has always longed for another's, even before I knew exactly what it meant, I knew I what I wanted since before second grade. I've made a few attemtps at this so far, and so far I keep landing on my face. That's probably the only problem with this new job, I have plenty of time to think in between surveys and bugging people in the mall to take them. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I wish I could be fine, but if wishes always came true we'd all be rich and there wouldn't be any more war. So here I sit in front of the glowing screen late at night before having to go to work the next day just trying to make sense and deal with my emotional problems. I find myself jogging back into that tired routine I've lived most of my life and it just wont work anymore, mainly because I've grown alot since then and I can't hold quite the same values anymore. I'm used to heart pain, I just wish someday I'll bump into that someone and wont have any of the problems I've had to deal with so far. No loss of interest, no unsurmountable annoyance or anger, just pure unbridled love. I'm not quite used to being so angry myself either, though I've been working at tapping into it more often, exploring the whole showing emotions thing, still a bit difficult. Most of all I just wish I could always say the things I want to without feeling like I'm trying to talk around a great big brick in my mouth. As the song that I've been hearing a lot lately goes "I don't wanna be lonely no more," it's kinda turned into the main song that describes how I feel these days. I mean I try to keep the stiff upper lip but it's only on the outside, as it always has. Very rarely I guess am I not dying inside for one reason or another, just other things are good for distracting me away from it. Can't keep my mind away from it when it shoves the problem at me with every free moment of thought. I really don't know what's going on with Kelsey at this point and torn between jumping through hoops or just dropping the thought all together and moving on as I've been thinking abouit more often these days. I just don't want to feel like this much longer and I really wish that when I go to sleep every night I wasn't staring at another empty pillow next to me. Just something I'm going to have to keep dealing with for a while. Such is the way of life here on the little blue mudball. So for now this is the dragon signing out and wishing everyone out there much happiness in thier life and wishing for a little in his(beside that which his friends always bring him). >:}-~