despite...
despite all prior verbalization that it will be OK if things dont turn out well, or well...how i hypothetically WANT them to turn out, in MO...I WILL BE REALLY SAD AND CRUSHED.
keeping that in mind, im absolutely terrified. im afraid i wont recognize him. im afraid i wont be able to be everything i have been via phone/text/internet/cam. which is retarded, i know. im horrified if he turns down anything happening, from just a kiss to everything else.
...i think im subconsciously viewing this as a last chance sorta deal. at least with him. for so long, its, he, has meant so much to me, that if we cant make it work in person, i dont know how to feel towards him. i know i love him, or at the very least, feel quite strongly towards him in the fondness department. literally every time i think of him, his name, his personality, words he might say, etc, i get butterflies and a sense of yearning in my core.
im so tired of being alone. im tired of not trying to find someone. i know im leaving CT soonish (within the next 2yrs) and so that person will either just be a filler or will HAVE to come with me. travis has mentioned possibly coming with me if things work out. but hes so fickle now about things happening. he went form being all for it, to not, to maybe. so im confused. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. i want to see if we can make it work.
/sigh
i just...i hate being alone. im so anxious inside bc of it. i dont like only being responsible for myself. i like having someone that close to care about, beyond friends, beyond family(esp since i have almost none).
sorry, this is a lot of whining and anxiety-ridden stuff. feel free to ignore.
keeping that in mind, im absolutely terrified. im afraid i wont recognize him. im afraid i wont be able to be everything i have been via phone/text/internet/cam. which is retarded, i know. im horrified if he turns down anything happening, from just a kiss to everything else.
...i think im subconsciously viewing this as a last chance sorta deal. at least with him. for so long, its, he, has meant so much to me, that if we cant make it work in person, i dont know how to feel towards him. i know i love him, or at the very least, feel quite strongly towards him in the fondness department. literally every time i think of him, his name, his personality, words he might say, etc, i get butterflies and a sense of yearning in my core.
im so tired of being alone. im tired of not trying to find someone. i know im leaving CT soonish (within the next 2yrs) and so that person will either just be a filler or will HAVE to come with me. travis has mentioned possibly coming with me if things work out. but hes so fickle now about things happening. he went form being all for it, to not, to maybe. so im confused. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. i want to see if we can make it work.
/sigh
i just...i hate being alone. im so anxious inside bc of it. i dont like only being responsible for myself. i like having someone that close to care about, beyond friends, beyond family(esp since i have almost none).
sorry, this is a lot of whining and anxiety-ridden stuff. feel free to ignore.