I See My Father All the Time

[draconayzia]

AN: I started writing this to put how I see my own father into words.  And I think I might have found more similarities than I care to admit.

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I see my father all the time.

But he never sees me anymore.

I used to respect him.  Used to love him unconditionally.  Big smiles, big hugs, big heart.

And he saw me.

But,

Now I can sit in an occupied house and feel completely alone.

It’s only silence instead of laughter.

Or berating over some fault I missed.

I thought it was a faze at first.

Mother was gone, and everything looked darker.

But time went on, and he still doesn’t see me.

It’s been years now.

Can he not stand to look?

I was told I look like her.  Can he not stand to look at me?

I’ve tolerated it for so long.

I’m tired of it.

I love my father, I always will.

I see him every day.

But he hasn’t seen me in years.

And it’s no longer warm here, but suffocating.

And it hurts so much.  To see him put all that effort into pleasing others.

And then forget that I’m even there.

I love you, Daddy.  But,

I can’t be here anymore.

Maybe someday you’ll remember that you have two children.  Not one.

That you have more family that you just forgot.

But for now I need to live for me.

Because I just can’t live for you anymore.

You barely even look up as I say that I’m leaving.  Just like a thousand other times.

But for the thousand times I came back, there won’t be a thousand and one.

I used to see him every day.

My father with the big smiles, big heart, big hugs.

I haven’t seen that man in years.

Recently, I’ve seen the shell that my father’s soul once wore before it flew away.

That man, I can’t believe he really is my father.

The spark just isn’t there anymore.

I used to see my father every day.

Now I barely see him at all.

And I’m sorry to say,

I think I might finally be happy.