Idle Hands are the Devil's Workshop
1. Invocation of Sephiroth
2. Now, Alcoholical
3. Two Weeks or So as Emperor's Bassist
4. Throat-Reamed by Goat-Cock
5. Miscegenation
6. Grim and Frostbitten PhotoShop
7. Abortion Squad
8. Velvet cOccoon
9. Thomas Gabriel Fischer
10. The Gay Hippie of Nazareth
11. God Killed His Son Because He Was Gay
12. The Romans Crucified Jesus for Possession of Marijuana
13. Crucifying Christians and Then Suspending Them on a Judas Cradle and Then Skinning Them Alive and Then Setting Them on Fire and Laughing While They Scream and Burn and Then Throwing Salt Into the Fire for Good Measure and Then Taking a Leak on the Embers and Then Spitting on the Ashes and Then Burying the Remains in a Pile of Goat Dung and Then Tearing Up a Bible and Burning It and Then Having Anal Sex With a Nun and Then Painting Your Bedroom Black and Listening to Judas Iscariot ist Krieg
14. The Goat is Alive
1. Invocation of Sephiroth
O silver-haired paragon of evil,
Your name I invoke
As I raise my black Materia
To the full moon
Come forth from the darkness of Nibelheim
And lay waste to the city of Midgar
Vanquish the wretched Aeris, sodomize the feeble Cloud
And avenge the crimes of the Shinra Corporation
Ave Kefka, Ave Edea, Ave Kuja, Alla Sin
Ave Kefka, Ave Edea, Ave Kuja, Gigim Seymour
2. Now, Alcoholical
With bloodstained axe in hand
I have fought off those who would stand between
Me and the liquor store
Holiness is cremated
In the burning fires
Of the sacrificial liver
‘Cause I want
‘Cause I need
‘Cause I’m made to be
Now, alcoholical
Shambling through the streets of Oslo
On my way to the Elm Street pub
I get weird looks from faggy State-Church members
And meaningful looks from fat goth chicks
Whom I must be careful to avoid
After 666 beers
‘Cause I want
‘Cause I need
‘Cause I’m made to be
Now, alcoholical
The decadent philosophy of my parents
Will not suppress the primeval thirst
I will not submit to AA!
I drink the blood of Christ
(i.e. cheap wine)
And vomit it into the toilet bowl
‘Cause I want
‘Cause I need
‘Cause I’m made to be
Now, alcoholical
3. Two Weeks or So as Emperor’s Bassist
Dark lord of BLACK fucking METAL!
Your METAL-ness is indisputable
O long-nosed one
BLACK METAL is nothing without you
You look like the head goblin from the movie Legend
And in the movie that goblin was the right hand of Satan!
So too are you
For your many, many, many contributions to BLACK METAL
Give praise to Mortiis
The blackened master of METAL
Two weeks or so as Emperor’s bassist
Is all the history of yours we need to know
The electric guitar riffs on The Stargate
The blast beats on Smell of Rain
The terrifying vocals on The Grudge
And yes, the bass on the Emperor demo
You definitely did not flee Norway
To escape possible stabbing by Bard Faust
No, he ordered a gang of Christians to smuggle you to Sweden
Because you were going to kill him because he’s gay!
Give praise to Mortiis
The blackened master of METAL
Two weeks or so as Emperor’s bassist
Is all the history of yours we need to know
4. Throat-Reamed by Goat-Cock
Christian Internet surfers beware!
SATAN controls the porn industry
And his dark perversions will infiltrate your mind!
Bwah ha ha ha ha!
Just one click on a link to what you thought was a normal porn site
Will plunge you into a hellish netherworld
Of violent and sadistic bestiality
And if you try to escape demons will infect your computer with a virus!
Reciting the “I need money” ritual from the Satanic Bible
The unholy porn moguls
Ensnare your soul and trick you into subscribing to their site
For $39.95 a month
By burying the “cancel my subscription” link
At the extreme bottom of the page
Underneath a bunch of crappy ad banners
They trick your feeble christian mind
Into watching college girls getting face-fucked by goats
FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!
5. Miscegenation
( http://www.dictionary.com )
This is an abomination!
The pureblooded black metal hordes
Must never intermingle with the filthy inferior mud-blood
Of fat and swarthy death metallers!
Half-breed mongrels like Belphegor and Zyklon
Have no place in our segregated society
Where death metallers have separate drinking fountains
And are forced to sit at the back of the bus
We also oppose the affront to nature
Represented by limp-wristed industrial fairies
Ever since Satyricon came out of the closet
More and more men are painting their nails and wearing makeup
Those fags Aborym, Anaal Nathrakh, The Amenta,
And other shitty A-bands
Will never emboss a rainbow
Upon the black banner of Satan!
Let crosses be burned
On the lawns of any band who dare
Mix their pure black blood
With nigger/fag musical styles!
6. Grim and Frostbitten PhotoShop
Who dares make a joke of black metal
Who hasn’t wasted their time making fun of Immortal?
For there can never be too many PhotoShopped pictures of Abbath
Nor too many cracks about Horgh being fat
Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee, it’s still funny
Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee, it’s too easy
Making fun of Immortal
Is kind of like those stupid kids in Lords of Chaos
Who thought they were bravely waging war against christianity
By attacking 70-year-old priests in gangs of four or five
Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee, it’s still funny
Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee, it’s too easy
7. Abortion Squad
The Abortion Squad is coming!
Coming to abort all your babies!
Democrats, feminists, and the Goat of Mendes!
Stem cells, morning-after pills, and wire coat hangers!
Pro-choice legislation
Is a conspiracy by Satanists
To collect aborted fetuses
And sacrifice them to Beelzebub!
The Abortion Squad is coming!
Coming to abort all your babies!
Grim, depressive, and misanthropic,
They oppose the birth of any more filthy humans!
The motherfucking Abortion Squad is coming!
8. Velvet cOccoon
I just smiled at Mercyful Fate
I can live with Transilvanian Hunger
I enjoy reading Sarcofago lyrics
BUT THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!
Not only can these hippie faggots
Not even spell “coccoon”,
They’re also a JOKE BAND
Except that people ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT!
I, Kanewulf, oppose any band
That takes fans away from me
9. Thomas Gabriel Fischer
[this song is just the words “Thomas Gabriel Fischer” being sung over and over again to the tune of “YMCA” followed by one or two Celtic Frost riffs]
10. The Gay Hippie of Nazareth
Jesus rode an ass,
Then he got stoned.
11. God Killed His Son Because He Was Gay
Once there lived a sensitive young man
Who believed that his mother gave birth to him
Without ever having known a man’s touch
And for the rest of his life, he felt that something was missing
Never did this young man express any interest in women
However he did have a certain fondness for interior decorating
And eventually he gathered around him a group of men
To preach his message of love
Finally he went out into the desert for 40 days and nights
To come out to his father
Disgusted, his dad forsook him
Saying that no queerboy was any son of his
When Leviticus wrote that thing about how homosexuals should be stoned to death,
He was actually writing about Jesus
When Catholic priests have sex with altar boys,
They’re actually just experiencing the Rapture
12. The Romans Crucified Jesus for Possession of Marijuana
Hippies!
All they do is sit around smoking pot
And talking about how much they hate the Establishment
Well we the Roman rulers of Judea
Won’t stand for this kind of thing in our community
Three strikes and you’re out!
Thus the drug-dealing, terrorism-fomenting revolutionary leader
Known by the Puerto Rican name “Jesus”
Was dealt with fairly by the judicial system
And nailed to a giant piece of wood and exposed to the elements and then stabbed
Hah!
Marijuana is a gateway drug
And if you ever smoke it,
You too could end up crucified!
13. Crucifying Christians and Then Suspending Them on a Judas Cradle and Then Skinning Them Alive and Then Setting Them on Fire and Laughing While They Scream and Burn and Then Throwing Salt Into the Fire for Good Measure and Then Taking a Leak on the Embers and Then Spitting on the Ashes and Then Burying the Remains in a Pile of Goat Dung and Then Tearing Up a Bible and Burning It and Then Having Anal Sex With a Nun and Then Painting Your Bedroom Black and Listening to Judas Iscariot ist Krieg
[instrumental]
14. The Goat is Alive
Old Farmer Mendes’ goat
Was found by the side of the road today
Apparently while eating a tin can,
It was struck by a car
Woe!
But wait, its hoof twitches,
Its whiskers vibrate
Praise be to Satan,
The goat is alive!
This is an infernal miracle
Just as Christ was resurrected by God
So too has this goat
Been resurrected by Satan!
The second coming of the Antichrist,
Or, uhh, something like that,
Is now upon us!
HAIL THE GOAT!
Thus the goat rose from the world of politics
At his side was a false priest
And the nations of the world made war on each other
At a fart from the goat’s hairy ass
The feeble lambs of Christ
Attempted to assassinate the goat
By attacking it with their owners’ wool-shears
But the might of Satan lived on in so evil a farm animal
Soon the world shall end!
Its hoof twitches, its whiskers vibrate
Praise be to Satan,
The goat is alive!
GOATFUNERAL IS:
Lord Azvaxazvaxus: Vocals, Guitars, and Keyboards, all at once
Hellhammer: Drums
Frost: Drums
Fenriz: Drums
Derek Roddy: Drums
Bard Faust: Drums
Rino Killerich: Drums
Nick Barker: Drums
Fredrik Andersson: Drums
Torturer: Drums
Matte Modin: Drums
Limbonic Art’s Drum Machine: Drums
No bass was used in the recording of this album.
Support the Finnish black metal scene’s boycott of Blackthrone!