SHAG and MOAN
Title: SHAG and MOAN
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,211
Warning: Draco's crap acronyms Suggestive Language
Summary: You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Author's notes: Written for dove_drabbles prompt: Be mischievous, it feels good and slythindor100's prompt: Draco *or Harry* looses a bet and has to dress as the Easter Bunny. I tweaked the latter's prompt a little but as long as someone ends up in a bunny suit, I'll assume that's fine?
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. This was written for fun, not profit.
Draco cleared his throat, smoothed down his robes and took an authoritative stand at the podium. He cast a discreet Sonorus and pounded the gavel.
“The first annual meeting of BDSM will now come to order.”
The chattering in the Slytherin Common Room died down. Several older students turned a blasphemous shade of Gryffindor Red. Mercifully, the first years just looked lost.
It was Theo who raised a tentative hand. “I thought we agreed on a name change at the last meeting?”
Draco cast an exasperated glance in his general direction. “It’s called the Bureau of Devious Slytherins for Mischief, Theo. What do you suggest I call it?”
“Well...”
“Moving on!” Draco interrupted as he indulged in some more gratuitous gavel banging. Pansy winced and rubbed her temples discreetly. “As I was saying,” Draco continued grandly, “the first order of business is our Bi-monthly Performance Review. I think I can speak for all members of the BDSM community...”
Blaise disguised his snort of laughter with a cough.
“...when I thank Lawrence Fitzberger for last week’s illuminating presentation on The Use of Puking Pastilles on Unsuspecting Hufflepuffs. At last check, their Common Room was still deemed unfit for residence. Give it up for Lawrence, everyone.”
The Third Year student smiled tentatively amidst a smattering of applause.
“However,” Draco called over the clapping, “you lose points for using a Weasley Wizarding Wheezes product. Make a note of that. BDSM is all about a quality experience. Shoddy, second hand equipment is not acceptable.”
“His words,” Pansy muttered. Theo just groaned and held his head in his hands.
“Now, to business.” Draco stepped away from the podium and took to pacing the small stage with long, meaningful strides. “This year, we have a mission. SHAG is coming up and...”
Blaise rudely interrupted by choking on a sip of water. Draco paused to glare balefully at him.
“I’m sorry, I might have a missed a memo or two,” a Second Year broke in politely, “SHAG is...?”
“Slytherin’s Historic Annual Gag-fest, of course,” Draco elaborated with a put upon sigh. Theo dissolved in a heap of muttering in his chair. Draco ignored him. “Honestly, am I the only one who reads the notices on the meeting board?”
“Salazar help us, he’s worse than Granger,” Blaise whispered to Pansy.
Pansy’s response was drowned out by the gavel.
“As I was saying,” Draco recommenced in a tone that suggested that the next interruption would be the last one, “we haven’t selected this year’s lucky target yet. I have taken the liberty of putting together a small list of vict-er, participants for us to focus our talents on. The first name on the list is...”
“Potter,” Pansy whispered.
“Potter," Theo agreed morosely.
“Potter!” Draco announced. “Shall we take a vote?”
“Didn’t we prank Potter last year?” a brunette from Fourth Year asked.
“No,” Draco replied crisply. “You’re mistaken.”
“But I remember...”
“Potter it is!” Draco declared. “Now, since we’re all in agreement that the pompous, pretentious, self important git needs to be taken down a notch, I suggest we move on to designing a prank of epic proportions. I’m talking stuff of legends here. Abject humiliation! Pain and misery! A...”
“Well, gosh Draco,” Pansy deadpanned. “What ever do you have in mind?”
Draco favoured her with a sharp grin and steepled his hands. “I’m so glad you asked, Pansy. Here’s how it’s going down...”
****
Ten minutes later, the meeting was adjourned and the students filed out obediently.
Pansy brushed past a festive banner (Be mischievous! It feels so good) and joined Theo as he made a harried beeline for the exit.
“This is fantastic!” a First Year declared happily as he ran past them. “I’m so glad I got into BDSM!”
His friend shrugged. “Seems like a lot of talk to me. I think I’ll sign up for MOAN instead. You know, Malfoy’s Ornithological Appreciation Night?”
Pansy rolled her eyes as Theo banged his head against a wall.
Repeatedly.
****
“MALFOY!”
Several students skittered out of the way as a cackling Draco careened down the corridor, relentlessly pursued by a giant rabbit.
“You insufferable git!” Potter howled, doing his level best to hoppity-skippety after Draco in the elaborate costume. His bunny ears flopped flaccidly against his forehead. “I’ll kill you, you...”
Ultimately, Draco’s luck ran out and he found himself cornered in an alcove. Potter loomed over him menacingly, one velvet paw wrapped around his wand. His breath was coming in harsh pants and his green eyes flashed dangerously. Draco swallowed. Trust Potter to look all dangerous and sexy even when clad in a giant bunny costume.
“Care to explain why all my robes are missing and replaced with this?” Potter demanded, brandishing his wand angrily. “What the bleeding hell?”
“Congratulations, Pothead!” Draco grinned, throwing his arms out in a grand gesture. “You just got SHAGGED!”
Potter stopped short. His nose twitched with sudden surprise. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, Draco did not point out just how rabbit-y he looked. He did double up with laughter though. “Oh, this is good,” he managed between chuckles. “I’ve been trying to get you for a SHAG for ages!”
Potter’s brow drew down in a thoughtful frown. “Is that so?” he contested, crossing his paws- arms- and levelling Draco with an even glare. “There are other ways to get my attention, you know.”
“Don’t think so,” Draco argued. “We covered everything in BDSM and this was the best way forward. You understand, of course. All in good fun.”
This time, Potter just looked gobsmacked. “You’re into that?!”
He sounded appalled. Also, a little intrigued.
“Of course I am,” Draco scoffed. “President of the local chapter, thank you very much.”
“Oh,” Potter mumbled in a small voice. He shook his head, making his ears flop about again. “Merlin, you think you know a bloke...”
What was that about? Draco frowned at Potter’s mumbling and shook his head. He had things to do anyway. “Well, I should go,” he declared, straightening his rumpled robes and slipping around Potter easily. “No time to waste and all. I’ll file a report and then it’s off to MOAN.”
“Moan?” Potter repeated helplessly. He really did look like a poor, lost bunny.
“You should come,” Draco offered, magnanimous as always. “I’m accepting new applications. I’ll bet you’d be a great MOANER.”
Potter took a few seconds to process that. “You take applications for...you know what, never mind. How about we take this slow?”
Draco raised an eyebrow, inviting him to continue.
Potter shuffled his bunny feet and scratched his ear awkwardly. “How about a date first?” he offered tentatively. “Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?”
Oh. Well, this was new.
“I don’t see the harm,” Draco agreed slowly. “I’ll bring the initiation manual.”
Potter’s eyes widened and for a second he looked like he was having second thoughts. But then he flashed Draco a tentative smile. “Well, they don’t call me a Gryffindor for nothing. See you next weekend, Malfoy. I...look forward to it.”
With that, they departed from the corridor. Pansy emerged from the shadows, accompanied by a rather mutinous Theo.
“Should we tell him?” she asked. “Someone should tell him.”
“You do it,” Theo grumbled, trudging off in the other direction. “I’m late for my SPEW meeting.”
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,211
Warning: Draco's crap acronyms Suggestive Language
Summary: You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Author's notes: Written for dove_drabbles prompt: Be mischievous, it feels good and slythindor100's prompt: Draco *or Harry* looses a bet and has to dress as the Easter Bunny. I tweaked the latter's prompt a little but as long as someone ends up in a bunny suit, I'll assume that's fine?
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. This was written for fun, not profit.
Draco cleared his throat, smoothed down his robes and took an authoritative stand at the podium. He cast a discreet Sonorus and pounded the gavel.
“The first annual meeting of BDSM will now come to order.”
The chattering in the Slytherin Common Room died down. Several older students turned a blasphemous shade of Gryffindor Red. Mercifully, the first years just looked lost.
It was Theo who raised a tentative hand. “I thought we agreed on a name change at the last meeting?”
Draco cast an exasperated glance in his general direction. “It’s called the Bureau of Devious Slytherins for Mischief, Theo. What do you suggest I call it?”
“Well...”
“Moving on!” Draco interrupted as he indulged in some more gratuitous gavel banging. Pansy winced and rubbed her temples discreetly. “As I was saying,” Draco continued grandly, “the first order of business is our Bi-monthly Performance Review. I think I can speak for all members of the BDSM community...”
Blaise disguised his snort of laughter with a cough.
“...when I thank Lawrence Fitzberger for last week’s illuminating presentation on The Use of Puking Pastilles on Unsuspecting Hufflepuffs. At last check, their Common Room was still deemed unfit for residence. Give it up for Lawrence, everyone.”
The Third Year student smiled tentatively amidst a smattering of applause.
“However,” Draco called over the clapping, “you lose points for using a Weasley Wizarding Wheezes product. Make a note of that. BDSM is all about a quality experience. Shoddy, second hand equipment is not acceptable.”
“His words,” Pansy muttered. Theo just groaned and held his head in his hands.
“Now, to business.” Draco stepped away from the podium and took to pacing the small stage with long, meaningful strides. “This year, we have a mission. SHAG is coming up and...”
Blaise rudely interrupted by choking on a sip of water. Draco paused to glare balefully at him.
“I’m sorry, I might have a missed a memo or two,” a Second Year broke in politely, “SHAG is...?”
“Slytherin’s Historic Annual Gag-fest, of course,” Draco elaborated with a put upon sigh. Theo dissolved in a heap of muttering in his chair. Draco ignored him. “Honestly, am I the only one who reads the notices on the meeting board?”
“Salazar help us, he’s worse than Granger,” Blaise whispered to Pansy.
Pansy’s response was drowned out by the gavel.
“As I was saying,” Draco recommenced in a tone that suggested that the next interruption would be the last one, “we haven’t selected this year’s lucky target yet. I have taken the liberty of putting together a small list of vict-er, participants for us to focus our talents on. The first name on the list is...”
“Potter,” Pansy whispered.
“Potter," Theo agreed morosely.
“Potter!” Draco announced. “Shall we take a vote?”
“Didn’t we prank Potter last year?” a brunette from Fourth Year asked.
“No,” Draco replied crisply. “You’re mistaken.”
“But I remember...”
“Potter it is!” Draco declared. “Now, since we’re all in agreement that the pompous, pretentious, self important git needs to be taken down a notch, I suggest we move on to designing a prank of epic proportions. I’m talking stuff of legends here. Abject humiliation! Pain and misery! A...”
“Well, gosh Draco,” Pansy deadpanned. “What ever do you have in mind?”
Draco favoured her with a sharp grin and steepled his hands. “I’m so glad you asked, Pansy. Here’s how it’s going down...”
****
Ten minutes later, the meeting was adjourned and the students filed out obediently.
Pansy brushed past a festive banner (Be mischievous! It feels so good) and joined Theo as he made a harried beeline for the exit.
“This is fantastic!” a First Year declared happily as he ran past them. “I’m so glad I got into BDSM!”
His friend shrugged. “Seems like a lot of talk to me. I think I’ll sign up for MOAN instead. You know, Malfoy’s Ornithological Appreciation Night?”
Pansy rolled her eyes as Theo banged his head against a wall.
Repeatedly.
****
“MALFOY!”
Several students skittered out of the way as a cackling Draco careened down the corridor, relentlessly pursued by a giant rabbit.
“You insufferable git!” Potter howled, doing his level best to hoppity-skippety after Draco in the elaborate costume. His bunny ears flopped flaccidly against his forehead. “I’ll kill you, you...”
Ultimately, Draco’s luck ran out and he found himself cornered in an alcove. Potter loomed over him menacingly, one velvet paw wrapped around his wand. His breath was coming in harsh pants and his green eyes flashed dangerously. Draco swallowed. Trust Potter to look all dangerous and sexy even when clad in a giant bunny costume.
“Care to explain why all my robes are missing and replaced with this?” Potter demanded, brandishing his wand angrily. “What the bleeding hell?”
“Congratulations, Pothead!” Draco grinned, throwing his arms out in a grand gesture. “You just got SHAGGED!”
Potter stopped short. His nose twitched with sudden surprise. In the spirit of good sportsmanship, Draco did not point out just how rabbit-y he looked. He did double up with laughter though. “Oh, this is good,” he managed between chuckles. “I’ve been trying to get you for a SHAG for ages!”
Potter’s brow drew down in a thoughtful frown. “Is that so?” he contested, crossing his paws- arms- and levelling Draco with an even glare. “There are other ways to get my attention, you know.”
“Don’t think so,” Draco argued. “We covered everything in BDSM and this was the best way forward. You understand, of course. All in good fun.”
This time, Potter just looked gobsmacked. “You’re into that?!”
He sounded appalled. Also, a little intrigued.
“Of course I am,” Draco scoffed. “President of the local chapter, thank you very much.”
“Oh,” Potter mumbled in a small voice. He shook his head, making his ears flop about again. “Merlin, you think you know a bloke...”
What was that about? Draco frowned at Potter’s mumbling and shook his head. He had things to do anyway. “Well, I should go,” he declared, straightening his rumpled robes and slipping around Potter easily. “No time to waste and all. I’ll file a report and then it’s off to MOAN.”
“Moan?” Potter repeated helplessly. He really did look like a poor, lost bunny.
“You should come,” Draco offered, magnanimous as always. “I’m accepting new applications. I’ll bet you’d be a great MOANER.”
Potter took a few seconds to process that. “You take applications for...you know what, never mind. How about we take this slow?”
Draco raised an eyebrow, inviting him to continue.
Potter shuffled his bunny feet and scratched his ear awkwardly. “How about a date first?” he offered tentatively. “Do you want to go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?”
Oh. Well, this was new.
“I don’t see the harm,” Draco agreed slowly. “I’ll bring the initiation manual.”
Potter’s eyes widened and for a second he looked like he was having second thoughts. But then he flashed Draco a tentative smile. “Well, they don’t call me a Gryffindor for nothing. See you next weekend, Malfoy. I...look forward to it.”
With that, they departed from the corridor. Pansy emerged from the shadows, accompanied by a rather mutinous Theo.
“Should we tell him?” she asked. “Someone should tell him.”
“You do it,” Theo grumbled, trudging off in the other direction. “I’m late for my SPEW meeting.”