Ludicrous Lubricus
Title: Ludicrous Lubricus
Rating: NC 17
Word Count: 3,500
Summary: Draco casts a Lubrication Charm on Ron and things get a little...out of hand.
Warning(s): Suggestive content and general pre-slashiness, conversations about infidelity, exhibitionism
Author's notes: I think I read one too many fics with the use of a Lubricaton Charm/Spell. This was created as an effort to explore a more...innocent use of said charm. Featuring Ron Draco hilarity.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This was written for fun, not profit.
“You stupid, fucking jar! Damn you! Damn you to hell!”
Draco sighed and tossed his book away, observing Weasley with a blend of annoyance and bemusement. On one hand, the ape had interrupted his reading. On the other, how often did one come across a grown man battling an innocuous little container and losing? The blond regarded the sight with a morbid fascination. It was like a hippogriff feeding- no matter how much you tried to look away, you just couldn’t.
Then again, Harry had asked him to try and get along with his asinine best friend, so Draco sighed and made his weary way across the Eighth Year common room.
“For Merlin’s sake, Weasel,” he drawled. “Calm down before you hurt yourself.”
Weasley ignored him in favour of grunting and trying to tug the stubborn jar off his right hand- a hand which, by the way was currently closed around no less than four cookies. Draco raised his eyes heavenwards, silently praying for divine intervention. Or at the very least, patience. Neither was ever very forthcoming where Weasleys were involved and this time was no different. The ex Slytherin sighed. Clearly, he would have to rely on his keen wit and intellect to extract the idiot from his glass prison.
“I’m not an expert on these things, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest letting go of a cookie or two?”
Weasley ceased his escape attempts and gave Draco a blank look. “Let go of…are you even listening to yourself?” he demanded incredulously. “That sort of crazy talk is why we’ll never be friends!”
Draco would only have been too happy to agree but he had promised Harry to at least try. And if he was successful, there was a good chance of wheedling a reward or two out of his generous boyfriend. Yes. Yes, that could…
“Surrender my prize, Tupperware demon! Give it give it give it!”
Weasley proceeded to thunk the vessel against the floor while issuing threats that would have made Aunt Bellatrix beat a hasty retreat. Draco watched the epic struggle with renewed interest. If they’d had the good sense to stash some chocolate frogs in the Dark Lord’s chambers, the war could have been ended in twenty minutes flat.
The jar was a worthy adversary though and Draco considered assisting Weasley. It was only fair seeing that the jar had the advantage of superior intelligence. Thus, it was with the most noble of intentions that he decided to step in before Potter’s pet ape hurt himself.
“Look, how about…”
“Miserable keeper of deliciousness!”
“Weasel, this is getting out of…”
“Vile vessel of Satan!”
“For Merlin’s sake! If you would just hold on a…”
“That’s it, jar! You’re asking for it! Cru…”
“Okay okay!” Draco squawked in alarm, snatching up the idiot’s wand before he did something drastic. Warily, he sat across from the sulking ginger. “Let’s hold off on the Unforgivables until we’ve exhausted every other possibility,” he offered. Weasley glowered but remained mercifully silent until Draco pulled out his wand.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded, scuttling back a bit.
Draco rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to hex you, you imbecile. Harry would have my head on a platter. Hold still.” Weasley stiffened as Draco wedged the tip of his wand into the jar, positioning it to aim at the ginger’s fist.
“Lubricus.”
Weasley yelped and Draco smirked as he retracted his wand. “Try pulling out now.”
The spell had done its work well. With one swift tug Weasley came free with the cookies in his victorious grasp.
“Finally!” he cheered, chucking the Jar of Pain and Misery away. “Not too shabby with the spells there, Malfoy. What was that?”
“A standard Lubrication Charm, Weasley,” Draco drawled, suppressing the urge to make a scathing remark. There was no point in being snarky after rescuing daft Gryffindors from certain demise at the hands of an urn. The whole purpose was defeated. “And speaking of Charms, we’re late for class.”
Weasley demolished the rest of the cookies in an impressive ten seconds and they exited the common room, walking down the hall together. “Listen Malfoy,” Weasley spoke up. “Thanks for that Lubrication Spell. I would never have been able to pull it out otherwise.”
“Stop thanking me, Weasley,” Draco smirked. “Merlin knows I would have lost it if you’d stayed stuck in there any longer.”
Neither heard the shocked gasp echo behind them. Lavender Brown dropped her books and her jaw as she stared after the boys, hardly able to believe what she’d heard.
Ron and Malfoy?
“Godric’s girdle!” she squeaked, leaning against a wall for support as she replayed the raunchy conversation in her head. No wonder her fling with Ron hadn’t worked out! And wasn’t Malfoy seeing Harry? What about Ron and Hermione? Lavender smiled smugly as she imagined Hermione’s reaction to the news. She hadn’t been on speaking terms with the frizzy haired priss since Sixth Year and apparently now the golden couple was done for. Oh, how the mighty had fallen. Right into Malfoy’s waiting arms, apparently.
Lavender wrung her hands in sheer delight and took off with single minded determination. This gossip wouldn’t spread itself, after all.
****
“Pull the other one, Lavender,” Seamus declared with an eye roll as he returned to his mashed potatoes. It was lunch and Lavender had barrelled in with the most bizarre rumour ever. He was only thankful neither Harry nor Hermione were around to hear what she’d cooked up this time. “You’ve come up with some strange stuff in the past, but this…”
“But it’s true!” Lavender insisted. “I heard them discussing their rendezvous. Ron even thanked him for using lubrication and…”
“Oi!” Dean sputtered in protest. “Can we not go into the details? I’m eating here.”
“Mm, I wouldn’t mind,” Seamus smirked. “Ron’s alright and Malfoy’s rather fit. I just don’t see it happening. Ron’s not like that. He’d never hook up with his best friend’s boyfriend. And a Slytherin, at that…”
Theo Nott- who had been listening to the bizarre conversation in silence- raised a discriminating eyebrow. “Speaking on behalf of Slytherins,” he drawled. “I think I can safely say that Draco puts Blast Ended Skrewts above Weasley on the dating scale. Besides, have you seen him and Potter together? It’s nauseating.”
“But I saw…” Lavender began.
“You think you saw,” Dean put in sagely. “Could’ve been something else entirely. Now can we please change the subject? I really don’t want to talk about this while I’m eating…”
He trailed off as Malfoy strolled over to the table and nicked a roll. Seamus busied himself with his mashed potatoes and Lavender fixed the blond with a beady eyed stare as if mentally willing him to confess to his crimes. Only Nott managed a neutral, pleasant expression.
“What’s with the dine and dash, Draco?” he asked conversationally. Malfoy clapped his shoulder and greeted the rest of the table with a perfunctionary nod. At least being with Harry had made him a lot more pleasant, Dean mused.
“Need to catch up on Charms,” he replied. “I missed half the lesson thanks to Weasley.”
The reactions were instantaneous. Lavender gasped and Seamus immediately choked on his mouthful. Even Nott’s eyes flickered a bit. Dean sighed and pushed his plate away.
“You did?” he asked, dreading the answer.
Malfoy frowned at the gaggle of goggling Gryffindors before nodding and waving a dismissive hand. “The idiot was going to break his wrist so I lent him a hand.”
“Really?” Nott enquired easily, even as Lavender started rocking back and forth and Seamus gulped down his pumpkin juice. “And…how did it all work out?”
“He got what he was after,” Malfoy smirked. “Easily pleased, that one.”
“That’s how I remember it,” Lavender muttered. Seamus nudged her in the ribs to shut her up. “So,” he attempted. “You and Harry…”
Malfoy started. “That’s right, I nearly forgot. I need to talk to Harry. Has anyone seen him?” His query elicited nothing but awkward mumbles.
Draco shook his head and shrugged. “He’ll show up sooner or later. I should get back to the common room.” He swiped up another roll. “Oh and if you lot run into Weasley, tell him he owes me one.”
And with that, the blond turned and exited, leaving a group of very distraught Eighth Years in his wake.
“Ha!” Lavender crowed. “What did I tell you? Didn’t I tell you?”
Well, some were more distraught than others…
“Bloody hell,” Seamus mumbled.
“I think I’m done with lunch,” Dean declared wanly, vanishing his plate. “For the next two years or so.”
Even Theo’s facade crumbled as he slumped back in his chair, with the air of a man whose world view had been drastically altered- and not for the better. “That was…disorienting,” he managed. “Can we all agree to pretend we didn’t hear about it?”
Seamus and Dean mumbled in agreement and Theo nodded. “Brilliant. So let’s just let this one go. No need to mention it to Potter or Granger. Or anyone else. Ever again.”
“Fine,” Seamus mumbled.
“Works for me,” Dean nodded. He looked around to see if anyone was listening and frowned. “Oi, where did Lavender go?”
****
Hermione stared at Lavender for a whole three minutes after she had winded down.
“You heard what now?” she finally managed.
“I didn’t hear it. I saw it,” Lavender replied smugly.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. “You saw Malfoy shagging my boyfriend,” she clarified.
“Well, no. But I saw them talking about it and…”
“So you did in fact, hear it.”
Lavender huffed. “Can we focus less on the semantics and more on the ruin of your love life?” Honestly, did she have to draw this girl a map? “I heard them discussing their latest…encounter. Malfoy cast a Lubrication charm on Ron and I specifically heard him say that…”
Hermione broke in before this got any worse. “Well gosh, thanks for the update Lavender. But I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Lavender tossed her hair back and fixed Hermione with a smug, superior stare. “Whatever works for you. But just for the record, I said the same thing when he started dating you and here we are. Just thought I’d give you a heads up, is all.”
“Right,” Hermione sighed, picking up her books and heading out of the library. Honestly, Ron and Malfoy? What would they think of next? A couple of passing Hufflepuffs paused to stare at her and she rolled her eyes. Apparently, news was spreading. Perhaps, she should talk to Ron about this nonsense…
She was still deep in thought as she entered the Eighth Year common room. Almost immediately, Harry barrelled in after her. Hermione observed her best friend quizzically. He looked harried and horrified and absolutely out of sorts. Clearly, he had heard. Sure enough…
“You will not believe what Parvati just told me!” he blurted.
“Don’t bother. I already heard it from the source,” Hermione replied. “Have you seen Draco yet?”
Harry sighed and slumped in an armchair. “No, I’ve been looking for him everywhere,” he muttered. He stared at her uneasily. “You don’t think it’s…”
“True?” Hermione finished sternly. “Honestly Harry, are you actually asking me if our boyfriends would cheat on us with each other? I can’t speak for Malfoy, but Ron would never…”
“Neither would Draco!” Harry snapped, coming to his boyfriend’s defence at once. His own words registered belatedly and he sighed and scrubbed at his hair. “No, you’re right. Of course, they wouldn’t. Ron’s my best mate and Draco’s brilliant. I guess I just got caught up in it…”
“I think we should just find them and ask what started this ridiculous…”
She was cut off mid sentence by a cheery shout ringing in the common room. “Oi Malfoy, guess what?” Ron called as he ambled in. “I’ve finally got this lubrication thing down. We won’t be having any more trouble with…oh hey, Harry, Mione. Seen Malfoy around? I’ve got to tell him about the…ACK!”
Hermione barely had time to blink. One moment, Harry was sitting next to her. The next moment, he was charging for Ron and trying to throttle the very life out of him. They crashed to the floor in a flurry of crashes and howls. She screeched in horror and whipped out a wand to separate them, before recalling that Harry was currently trying to strangle her cheating, two timing louse of a boyfriend. Hermione pursed her lips and pocketed the wand.
“It’s true?!” Harry howled, thunking the ginger’s head on the floor. “You and Draco? It’s fucking true?!”
“The bloody hell is wrong with you?!” Ron howled, punching back out of pure instinct. “What the hell is…Hermione, he’s gone mental! Stop him!”
“Stop Harry,” Hermione deadpanned from the couch. “Stop. Stop it right now.”
“I’m going to murder you!” Harry bellowed, punching viciously. “You and Draco both! How dare you! How the bloody hell did you...”
“What’s gotten into you?!” Ron howled. “You asked me to get along with him!”
“Not that well!”
“Fuck, Harry! Will you calm down! I was just trying to get a cookie from the jar!”
“His cookies are mine, you bastard! And his jar too!”
“What?!”
It was at this point, that Draco came barrelling down the stairs. He screeched to the halt and his jaw dropped as he took in the carnage. “Harry! What in the name of Merlin…release Weasley at once!”
“I’ll get to you later!” Harry bellowed. “First I’m going to kill him!”
“What the fuck is going…” The remainder of his sentence trailed off as Granger sprang up and charged at him, wand pointed straight at his throat. Draco’s eyes widened and he scrambled up the stairs for purchase. “Granger, what…”
“You foul, evil, loathsome little cockroach!” she screamed. Draco swallowed. Nothing good ever followed that particular declaration. And Granger was decidedly more pissed this time, for whatever reason. “How dare you subject my boyfriend to your...your attentions? How dare you?!”
“What the hell are you so mad about?” Draco squawked. “He needed a hand and I helped him out! You weren’t there so…”
“That’s your excuse?” she hissed. “I wasn’t there and you decided to ‘help him out’?”
Draco sneered. “Oh that’s just great. I finally do something nice for Weasley and this is what I get!”
Hermione nearly imploded. “That does it! You and me! Outside! Right now, harlot!”
Draco gaped at her, utterly dumbfounded. None of this was making any sense, and her wand was still at his throat. Clearly, this was a time for action. He turned to Weasley who was still being ground into the carpet by his spitting mad boyfriend. “What the hell did you tell them?!” he demanded.
“Nothing! They’re mad about the cookies!”
“What? Why?”
“How the hell should I know?!”
Harry howled and lunged for Weasley again, cutting off any more conversation.
Well, that was helpful.
Squaring his shoulders, Draco pushed past Granger and marched over, wrenching Harry off the ginger. His boyfriend flailed and snarled, dragging Weasley a couple feet before finally letting go.
“Stop it!” Draco snapped, shaking him angrily. “What the fuck is going on?”
“You tell me!” Harry shouted back, his green eyes full of hurt. “I thought we had something, Draco! How could you do this to me? And with my best friend!”
“What are you talking about?” Draco snarled. “Weasley and I have been nothing but civil. How dare you conduct yourself in such a boorish manner? Explain yourself at once!”
“I’ll explain myself when you explain why you and Ron felt the need for a lubrication charm!”
Draco froze as if he’d been Petrified. His jaw dropped for the second time in ten minutes. He could barely put together a coherent sentence, he was that aghast. “You thought…you think we’re…oh my god!”
Weasley seemed to have caught on as well. His eyes widened and his face paled. “They didn’t,” he managed in a shocked whisper.
Draco’s lip curled in disgust. “They did.”
“Eeew!” Weasley screeched, echoing Draco’s sentiments rather succinctly. “Oh my Merlin! Eeew eeew EEEW!”
“My feelings exactly!”
“What is wrong with them?!”
“Why are we dating them?!”
“What’s wrong with us?!”
“Enough! What is going on here?” Hermione demanded.
Draco turned on her and he must have looked pretty dangerous because she actually squeaked and took a step back. “What’s going on is that I rescued your idiot boyfriend from a cookie jar!” he hissed.
“What?!” Harry blurted out.
Draco didn’t even dignify him with a sneer. “I cast a lubrication charm on his hand to get it out of the jar! And apparently, you two…” he paused to glare witheringly at the cowering Gryffindors. “…you actually thought that we were…”
“Eeew!” Weasley put in, evidently feeling the need to emphasize this point. “No offence, Malfoy.”
“None taken.”
Weasley shook his head, looking utterly traumatised. “Can you believe this shite? We try to get along and this is what they do to us.”
Hermione wrung her hands. “Ron, I’m so sorry! I…”
“Forget it, Mione,” Ron mumbled, getting up and brushing his trousers clean. “I’m out of here.”
“Me too,” Draco declared. “Come on, Weasley. Let’s go.”
Harry padded after him, looking utterly stricken. “Draco, please. I just…”
“Save it, Potter. We don’t want to hear it.”
And then with head held high and Weasley stoutly at his side, he stalked out of the common room.
****
It was late at night when Harry tried to approach him again. Draco sneered and curled into the couch. Granger had already apologised profusely and he had grudgingly forgiven her. Weasley had put up a rather strong front- clearly intending to drag out the guilt trip a bit longer. But considering the obscene amount of noise they were making up in the boys’ dorm, he would crack soon enough. That said Draco was in no mood to talk to, let alone forgive his stupid, jealous, suspicious boyfriend.
To his credit, Harry looked suitably shamefaced. He scuffed his shoes and ran an awkward hand through his hair before settling on the other side of the couch. Draco narrowed his eyes but made no further acknowledgement.
“I apologised to Ron,” Harry offered in a small voice.
“And?”
“He forgave me. Well, he punched me a couple times but not too hard, so I’m assuming he’s okay.”
Draco fought the urge to snicker. “Weasley is very gracious,” he offered curtly. He fixed the cringing Gryffindor with a withering glare. Harry shrank into himself before bolstering up the rest of his courage and speaking again. “Draco…” he began.
“Don’t even bother.”
“But I…” he sighed and sidled over, closer to the blond. Draco stiffened but made no move to get up. Harry regarded him with guilty, green eyes before tentatively reaching out and taking his hand. Draco grudgingly allowed the contact and Harry smiled hesitantly, squeezing his fingers gently.
“I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am,” he said quietly. “I didn’t stop to think and…I should have known better. Both you and Ron. You’d never hurt me and…and I think somewhere inside me I knew that. But the thought of losing you…I couldn’t handle it. I lost it and I am so, so sorry for what I said and did. I just…”
“You should have trusted me,” Draco replied evenly.
“I know. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having you anymore. It…it just really hurt.”
“Did you even consider talking to me first?” Draco demanded. Harry mumbled unintelligibly, staring miserably at his shoes. Draco rolled his eyes and moved towards him, wrapping an arm around his idiot boyfriend. Harry practically melted into his embrace, pulling him closer. Draco smiled and ruffled his hair. “Stupid prat,” he murmured.
“Your stupid prat?” Harry asked hopefully.
“Yes, you sot,” Draco smirked. “But the next time you pull such a stunt, Merlin save you from my wrath.”
“I won’t. So long as you don’t lubricate my friends anymore,” Harry chuckled weakly. Draco felt firm lips move against his neck as Harry smiled and he shivered pleasantly.
“I hope you don’t think you’re off the hook, Potter,” he drawled. “You’re making this up to me.”
“I am?” Harry mumbled, disentangling himself and looking at Draco uneasily. “How?” The blond smirked and leaned over to whisper in his ear. By the time he was finished, Harry looked both painfully aroused and utterly resigned.
“Really? Here in the common room? Where anyone could just walk in and…”
“Well, if you don’t want to apologise for accusing me of cheating on you with your best friend…”
“Okay okay!” Harry snapped, getting up. He grumbled under his breath as he tugged his shoes and socks off. Draco smirked and leaned back on the sofa, enjoying the show as Harry unbuttoned his shirt and pulled off his trousers. When his pants came off and his cock sprang free, Draco bit his lip and unbuttoned his own trousers, stroking his rigid cock through his boxers. Harry stood before him, completely naked and more than a little awkward about the whole thing.
“Do we have to have sex here?” he mumbled unhappily. His cock however, didn’t seem very daunted by the prospect and bobbed enthusiastically.
Draco rolled his eyes. “Bend over on the couch,” he ordered shortly.
Harry sighed and obliged. Draco hissed in pleasure as he reached out and squeezed a plump arse cheek. “I’m going to enjoy this,” he smirked.
“This is starting to feel like overkill,” Harry grumbled.
Draco responded with a light swat. “It could be worse.”
Harry lifted his head to scowl at him. “How?” he demanded. “How could it possibly be worse?”
Draco’s lips stretched in an evil grin and he pulled out his cock. “I could have Weasley come out here and cast the Lubrication charm on you.”
****
* Cross posted to harrydraco here *
Rating: NC 17
Word Count: 3,500
Summary: Draco casts a Lubrication Charm on Ron and things get a little...out of hand.
Warning(s): Suggestive content and general pre-slashiness, conversations about infidelity, exhibitionism
Author's notes: I think I read one too many fics with the use of a Lubricaton Charm/Spell. This was created as an effort to explore a more...innocent use of said charm. Featuring Ron Draco hilarity.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This was written for fun, not profit.
“You stupid, fucking jar! Damn you! Damn you to hell!”
Draco sighed and tossed his book away, observing Weasley with a blend of annoyance and bemusement. On one hand, the ape had interrupted his reading. On the other, how often did one come across a grown man battling an innocuous little container and losing? The blond regarded the sight with a morbid fascination. It was like a hippogriff feeding- no matter how much you tried to look away, you just couldn’t.
Then again, Harry had asked him to try and get along with his asinine best friend, so Draco sighed and made his weary way across the Eighth Year common room.
“For Merlin’s sake, Weasel,” he drawled. “Calm down before you hurt yourself.”
Weasley ignored him in favour of grunting and trying to tug the stubborn jar off his right hand- a hand which, by the way was currently closed around no less than four cookies. Draco raised his eyes heavenwards, silently praying for divine intervention. Or at the very least, patience. Neither was ever very forthcoming where Weasleys were involved and this time was no different. The ex Slytherin sighed. Clearly, he would have to rely on his keen wit and intellect to extract the idiot from his glass prison.
“I’m not an expert on these things, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest letting go of a cookie or two?”
Weasley ceased his escape attempts and gave Draco a blank look. “Let go of…are you even listening to yourself?” he demanded incredulously. “That sort of crazy talk is why we’ll never be friends!”
Draco would only have been too happy to agree but he had promised Harry to at least try. And if he was successful, there was a good chance of wheedling a reward or two out of his generous boyfriend. Yes. Yes, that could…
“Surrender my prize, Tupperware demon! Give it give it give it!”
Weasley proceeded to thunk the vessel against the floor while issuing threats that would have made Aunt Bellatrix beat a hasty retreat. Draco watched the epic struggle with renewed interest. If they’d had the good sense to stash some chocolate frogs in the Dark Lord’s chambers, the war could have been ended in twenty minutes flat.
The jar was a worthy adversary though and Draco considered assisting Weasley. It was only fair seeing that the jar had the advantage of superior intelligence. Thus, it was with the most noble of intentions that he decided to step in before Potter’s pet ape hurt himself.
“Look, how about…”
“Miserable keeper of deliciousness!”
“Weasel, this is getting out of…”
“Vile vessel of Satan!”
“For Merlin’s sake! If you would just hold on a…”
“That’s it, jar! You’re asking for it! Cru…”
“Okay okay!” Draco squawked in alarm, snatching up the idiot’s wand before he did something drastic. Warily, he sat across from the sulking ginger. “Let’s hold off on the Unforgivables until we’ve exhausted every other possibility,” he offered. Weasley glowered but remained mercifully silent until Draco pulled out his wand.
“What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded, scuttling back a bit.
Draco rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to hex you, you imbecile. Harry would have my head on a platter. Hold still.” Weasley stiffened as Draco wedged the tip of his wand into the jar, positioning it to aim at the ginger’s fist.
“Lubricus.”
Weasley yelped and Draco smirked as he retracted his wand. “Try pulling out now.”
The spell had done its work well. With one swift tug Weasley came free with the cookies in his victorious grasp.
“Finally!” he cheered, chucking the Jar of Pain and Misery away. “Not too shabby with the spells there, Malfoy. What was that?”
“A standard Lubrication Charm, Weasley,” Draco drawled, suppressing the urge to make a scathing remark. There was no point in being snarky after rescuing daft Gryffindors from certain demise at the hands of an urn. The whole purpose was defeated. “And speaking of Charms, we’re late for class.”
Weasley demolished the rest of the cookies in an impressive ten seconds and they exited the common room, walking down the hall together. “Listen Malfoy,” Weasley spoke up. “Thanks for that Lubrication Spell. I would never have been able to pull it out otherwise.”
“Stop thanking me, Weasley,” Draco smirked. “Merlin knows I would have lost it if you’d stayed stuck in there any longer.”
Neither heard the shocked gasp echo behind them. Lavender Brown dropped her books and her jaw as she stared after the boys, hardly able to believe what she’d heard.
Ron and Malfoy?
“Godric’s girdle!” she squeaked, leaning against a wall for support as she replayed the raunchy conversation in her head. No wonder her fling with Ron hadn’t worked out! And wasn’t Malfoy seeing Harry? What about Ron and Hermione? Lavender smiled smugly as she imagined Hermione’s reaction to the news. She hadn’t been on speaking terms with the frizzy haired priss since Sixth Year and apparently now the golden couple was done for. Oh, how the mighty had fallen. Right into Malfoy’s waiting arms, apparently.
Lavender wrung her hands in sheer delight and took off with single minded determination. This gossip wouldn’t spread itself, after all.
****
“Pull the other one, Lavender,” Seamus declared with an eye roll as he returned to his mashed potatoes. It was lunch and Lavender had barrelled in with the most bizarre rumour ever. He was only thankful neither Harry nor Hermione were around to hear what she’d cooked up this time. “You’ve come up with some strange stuff in the past, but this…”
“But it’s true!” Lavender insisted. “I heard them discussing their rendezvous. Ron even thanked him for using lubrication and…”
“Oi!” Dean sputtered in protest. “Can we not go into the details? I’m eating here.”
“Mm, I wouldn’t mind,” Seamus smirked. “Ron’s alright and Malfoy’s rather fit. I just don’t see it happening. Ron’s not like that. He’d never hook up with his best friend’s boyfriend. And a Slytherin, at that…”
Theo Nott- who had been listening to the bizarre conversation in silence- raised a discriminating eyebrow. “Speaking on behalf of Slytherins,” he drawled. “I think I can safely say that Draco puts Blast Ended Skrewts above Weasley on the dating scale. Besides, have you seen him and Potter together? It’s nauseating.”
“But I saw…” Lavender began.
“You think you saw,” Dean put in sagely. “Could’ve been something else entirely. Now can we please change the subject? I really don’t want to talk about this while I’m eating…”
He trailed off as Malfoy strolled over to the table and nicked a roll. Seamus busied himself with his mashed potatoes and Lavender fixed the blond with a beady eyed stare as if mentally willing him to confess to his crimes. Only Nott managed a neutral, pleasant expression.
“What’s with the dine and dash, Draco?” he asked conversationally. Malfoy clapped his shoulder and greeted the rest of the table with a perfunctionary nod. At least being with Harry had made him a lot more pleasant, Dean mused.
“Need to catch up on Charms,” he replied. “I missed half the lesson thanks to Weasley.”
The reactions were instantaneous. Lavender gasped and Seamus immediately choked on his mouthful. Even Nott’s eyes flickered a bit. Dean sighed and pushed his plate away.
“You did?” he asked, dreading the answer.
Malfoy frowned at the gaggle of goggling Gryffindors before nodding and waving a dismissive hand. “The idiot was going to break his wrist so I lent him a hand.”
“Really?” Nott enquired easily, even as Lavender started rocking back and forth and Seamus gulped down his pumpkin juice. “And…how did it all work out?”
“He got what he was after,” Malfoy smirked. “Easily pleased, that one.”
“That’s how I remember it,” Lavender muttered. Seamus nudged her in the ribs to shut her up. “So,” he attempted. “You and Harry…”
Malfoy started. “That’s right, I nearly forgot. I need to talk to Harry. Has anyone seen him?” His query elicited nothing but awkward mumbles.
Draco shook his head and shrugged. “He’ll show up sooner or later. I should get back to the common room.” He swiped up another roll. “Oh and if you lot run into Weasley, tell him he owes me one.”
And with that, the blond turned and exited, leaving a group of very distraught Eighth Years in his wake.
“Ha!” Lavender crowed. “What did I tell you? Didn’t I tell you?”
Well, some were more distraught than others…
“Bloody hell,” Seamus mumbled.
“I think I’m done with lunch,” Dean declared wanly, vanishing his plate. “For the next two years or so.”
Even Theo’s facade crumbled as he slumped back in his chair, with the air of a man whose world view had been drastically altered- and not for the better. “That was…disorienting,” he managed. “Can we all agree to pretend we didn’t hear about it?”
Seamus and Dean mumbled in agreement and Theo nodded. “Brilliant. So let’s just let this one go. No need to mention it to Potter or Granger. Or anyone else. Ever again.”
“Fine,” Seamus mumbled.
“Works for me,” Dean nodded. He looked around to see if anyone was listening and frowned. “Oi, where did Lavender go?”
****
Hermione stared at Lavender for a whole three minutes after she had winded down.
“You heard what now?” she finally managed.
“I didn’t hear it. I saw it,” Lavender replied smugly.
Hermione raised an eyebrow. “You saw Malfoy shagging my boyfriend,” she clarified.
“Well, no. But I saw them talking about it and…”
“So you did in fact, hear it.”
Lavender huffed. “Can we focus less on the semantics and more on the ruin of your love life?” Honestly, did she have to draw this girl a map? “I heard them discussing their latest…encounter. Malfoy cast a Lubrication charm on Ron and I specifically heard him say that…”
Hermione broke in before this got any worse. “Well gosh, thanks for the update Lavender. But I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Lavender tossed her hair back and fixed Hermione with a smug, superior stare. “Whatever works for you. But just for the record, I said the same thing when he started dating you and here we are. Just thought I’d give you a heads up, is all.”
“Right,” Hermione sighed, picking up her books and heading out of the library. Honestly, Ron and Malfoy? What would they think of next? A couple of passing Hufflepuffs paused to stare at her and she rolled her eyes. Apparently, news was spreading. Perhaps, she should talk to Ron about this nonsense…
She was still deep in thought as she entered the Eighth Year common room. Almost immediately, Harry barrelled in after her. Hermione observed her best friend quizzically. He looked harried and horrified and absolutely out of sorts. Clearly, he had heard. Sure enough…
“You will not believe what Parvati just told me!” he blurted.
“Don’t bother. I already heard it from the source,” Hermione replied. “Have you seen Draco yet?”
Harry sighed and slumped in an armchair. “No, I’ve been looking for him everywhere,” he muttered. He stared at her uneasily. “You don’t think it’s…”
“True?” Hermione finished sternly. “Honestly Harry, are you actually asking me if our boyfriends would cheat on us with each other? I can’t speak for Malfoy, but Ron would never…”
“Neither would Draco!” Harry snapped, coming to his boyfriend’s defence at once. His own words registered belatedly and he sighed and scrubbed at his hair. “No, you’re right. Of course, they wouldn’t. Ron’s my best mate and Draco’s brilliant. I guess I just got caught up in it…”
“I think we should just find them and ask what started this ridiculous…”
She was cut off mid sentence by a cheery shout ringing in the common room. “Oi Malfoy, guess what?” Ron called as he ambled in. “I’ve finally got this lubrication thing down. We won’t be having any more trouble with…oh hey, Harry, Mione. Seen Malfoy around? I’ve got to tell him about the…ACK!”
Hermione barely had time to blink. One moment, Harry was sitting next to her. The next moment, he was charging for Ron and trying to throttle the very life out of him. They crashed to the floor in a flurry of crashes and howls. She screeched in horror and whipped out a wand to separate them, before recalling that Harry was currently trying to strangle her cheating, two timing louse of a boyfriend. Hermione pursed her lips and pocketed the wand.
“It’s true?!” Harry howled, thunking the ginger’s head on the floor. “You and Draco? It’s fucking true?!”
“The bloody hell is wrong with you?!” Ron howled, punching back out of pure instinct. “What the hell is…Hermione, he’s gone mental! Stop him!”
“Stop Harry,” Hermione deadpanned from the couch. “Stop. Stop it right now.”
“I’m going to murder you!” Harry bellowed, punching viciously. “You and Draco both! How dare you! How the bloody hell did you...”
“What’s gotten into you?!” Ron howled. “You asked me to get along with him!”
“Not that well!”
“Fuck, Harry! Will you calm down! I was just trying to get a cookie from the jar!”
“His cookies are mine, you bastard! And his jar too!”
“What?!”
It was at this point, that Draco came barrelling down the stairs. He screeched to the halt and his jaw dropped as he took in the carnage. “Harry! What in the name of Merlin…release Weasley at once!”
“I’ll get to you later!” Harry bellowed. “First I’m going to kill him!”
“What the fuck is going…” The remainder of his sentence trailed off as Granger sprang up and charged at him, wand pointed straight at his throat. Draco’s eyes widened and he scrambled up the stairs for purchase. “Granger, what…”
“You foul, evil, loathsome little cockroach!” she screamed. Draco swallowed. Nothing good ever followed that particular declaration. And Granger was decidedly more pissed this time, for whatever reason. “How dare you subject my boyfriend to your...your attentions? How dare you?!”
“What the hell are you so mad about?” Draco squawked. “He needed a hand and I helped him out! You weren’t there so…”
“That’s your excuse?” she hissed. “I wasn’t there and you decided to ‘help him out’?”
Draco sneered. “Oh that’s just great. I finally do something nice for Weasley and this is what I get!”
Hermione nearly imploded. “That does it! You and me! Outside! Right now, harlot!”
Draco gaped at her, utterly dumbfounded. None of this was making any sense, and her wand was still at his throat. Clearly, this was a time for action. He turned to Weasley who was still being ground into the carpet by his spitting mad boyfriend. “What the hell did you tell them?!” he demanded.
“Nothing! They’re mad about the cookies!”
“What? Why?”
“How the hell should I know?!”
Harry howled and lunged for Weasley again, cutting off any more conversation.
Well, that was helpful.
Squaring his shoulders, Draco pushed past Granger and marched over, wrenching Harry off the ginger. His boyfriend flailed and snarled, dragging Weasley a couple feet before finally letting go.
“Stop it!” Draco snapped, shaking him angrily. “What the fuck is going on?”
“You tell me!” Harry shouted back, his green eyes full of hurt. “I thought we had something, Draco! How could you do this to me? And with my best friend!”
“What are you talking about?” Draco snarled. “Weasley and I have been nothing but civil. How dare you conduct yourself in such a boorish manner? Explain yourself at once!”
“I’ll explain myself when you explain why you and Ron felt the need for a lubrication charm!”
Draco froze as if he’d been Petrified. His jaw dropped for the second time in ten minutes. He could barely put together a coherent sentence, he was that aghast. “You thought…you think we’re…oh my god!”
Weasley seemed to have caught on as well. His eyes widened and his face paled. “They didn’t,” he managed in a shocked whisper.
Draco’s lip curled in disgust. “They did.”
“Eeew!” Weasley screeched, echoing Draco’s sentiments rather succinctly. “Oh my Merlin! Eeew eeew EEEW!”
“My feelings exactly!”
“What is wrong with them?!”
“Why are we dating them?!”
“What’s wrong with us?!”
“Enough! What is going on here?” Hermione demanded.
Draco turned on her and he must have looked pretty dangerous because she actually squeaked and took a step back. “What’s going on is that I rescued your idiot boyfriend from a cookie jar!” he hissed.
“What?!” Harry blurted out.
Draco didn’t even dignify him with a sneer. “I cast a lubrication charm on his hand to get it out of the jar! And apparently, you two…” he paused to glare witheringly at the cowering Gryffindors. “…you actually thought that we were…”
“Eeew!” Weasley put in, evidently feeling the need to emphasize this point. “No offence, Malfoy.”
“None taken.”
Weasley shook his head, looking utterly traumatised. “Can you believe this shite? We try to get along and this is what they do to us.”
Hermione wrung her hands. “Ron, I’m so sorry! I…”
“Forget it, Mione,” Ron mumbled, getting up and brushing his trousers clean. “I’m out of here.”
“Me too,” Draco declared. “Come on, Weasley. Let’s go.”
Harry padded after him, looking utterly stricken. “Draco, please. I just…”
“Save it, Potter. We don’t want to hear it.”
And then with head held high and Weasley stoutly at his side, he stalked out of the common room.
****
It was late at night when Harry tried to approach him again. Draco sneered and curled into the couch. Granger had already apologised profusely and he had grudgingly forgiven her. Weasley had put up a rather strong front- clearly intending to drag out the guilt trip a bit longer. But considering the obscene amount of noise they were making up in the boys’ dorm, he would crack soon enough. That said Draco was in no mood to talk to, let alone forgive his stupid, jealous, suspicious boyfriend.
To his credit, Harry looked suitably shamefaced. He scuffed his shoes and ran an awkward hand through his hair before settling on the other side of the couch. Draco narrowed his eyes but made no further acknowledgement.
“I apologised to Ron,” Harry offered in a small voice.
“And?”
“He forgave me. Well, he punched me a couple times but not too hard, so I’m assuming he’s okay.”
Draco fought the urge to snicker. “Weasley is very gracious,” he offered curtly. He fixed the cringing Gryffindor with a withering glare. Harry shrank into himself before bolstering up the rest of his courage and speaking again. “Draco…” he began.
“Don’t even bother.”
“But I…” he sighed and sidled over, closer to the blond. Draco stiffened but made no move to get up. Harry regarded him with guilty, green eyes before tentatively reaching out and taking his hand. Draco grudgingly allowed the contact and Harry smiled hesitantly, squeezing his fingers gently.
“I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am,” he said quietly. “I didn’t stop to think and…I should have known better. Both you and Ron. You’d never hurt me and…and I think somewhere inside me I knew that. But the thought of losing you…I couldn’t handle it. I lost it and I am so, so sorry for what I said and did. I just…”
“You should have trusted me,” Draco replied evenly.
“I know. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having you anymore. It…it just really hurt.”
“Did you even consider talking to me first?” Draco demanded. Harry mumbled unintelligibly, staring miserably at his shoes. Draco rolled his eyes and moved towards him, wrapping an arm around his idiot boyfriend. Harry practically melted into his embrace, pulling him closer. Draco smiled and ruffled his hair. “Stupid prat,” he murmured.
“Your stupid prat?” Harry asked hopefully.
“Yes, you sot,” Draco smirked. “But the next time you pull such a stunt, Merlin save you from my wrath.”
“I won’t. So long as you don’t lubricate my friends anymore,” Harry chuckled weakly. Draco felt firm lips move against his neck as Harry smiled and he shivered pleasantly.
“I hope you don’t think you’re off the hook, Potter,” he drawled. “You’re making this up to me.”
“I am?” Harry mumbled, disentangling himself and looking at Draco uneasily. “How?” The blond smirked and leaned over to whisper in his ear. By the time he was finished, Harry looked both painfully aroused and utterly resigned.
“Really? Here in the common room? Where anyone could just walk in and…”
“Well, if you don’t want to apologise for accusing me of cheating on you with your best friend…”
“Okay okay!” Harry snapped, getting up. He grumbled under his breath as he tugged his shoes and socks off. Draco smirked and leaned back on the sofa, enjoying the show as Harry unbuttoned his shirt and pulled off his trousers. When his pants came off and his cock sprang free, Draco bit his lip and unbuttoned his own trousers, stroking his rigid cock through his boxers. Harry stood before him, completely naked and more than a little awkward about the whole thing.
“Do we have to have sex here?” he mumbled unhappily. His cock however, didn’t seem very daunted by the prospect and bobbed enthusiastically.
Draco rolled his eyes. “Bend over on the couch,” he ordered shortly.
Harry sighed and obliged. Draco hissed in pleasure as he reached out and squeezed a plump arse cheek. “I’m going to enjoy this,” he smirked.
“This is starting to feel like overkill,” Harry grumbled.
Draco responded with a light swat. “It could be worse.”
Harry lifted his head to scowl at him. “How?” he demanded. “How could it possibly be worse?”
Draco’s lips stretched in an evil grin and he pulled out his cock. “I could have Weasley come out here and cast the Lubrication charm on you.”
****
* Cross posted to harrydraco here *