Lawn Mowing Wars #4
Title: Ron's Intervention
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 700 (approx)
Genre: Humour/Romance
Summary: Ron stops the madness. A follow up to Lawn Mowing Wars #3
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe, or the characters in it. The following was written purely for fun, not profit.
Things became a whole lot more interesting at Godric’s Hollow after that.
First Harry went three dimensional when he conjured up a hand shaped hedge which was charmed to flip off anyone who came too close. A day later, Draco upped the ante by somehow procuring a creepy lawn gnome that trolled the gardens, just waiting for opportunities to moon Harry. By day four, the garden was home to three sheared bushes that bore a suspicious resemblance to pictures from Harry’s copy of Yoga and Tantric Sex, a Venomous Tentacula that had decided that Draco was its mother and a bonsai version of the Whomping Willow that smacked innocent passersby on the arse.
Ron Weasley had not been amused by that last one. He wasn’t sure how the Lawn War had become his problem, but he was Harry’s friend, and friends don’t let friends put up neon signposts stating “Malfoys Like it Rough and Dirty” on their lawn.
“Harry, you are forcing me to be the voice of reason!” a red faced Ron yelled, as he tried to wrestle that goddamn sign from his apparently suicidal best friend “And it’s not a good look for me!”
“Let go, Ron!” Harry snapped, trying to snag his sign back “I can’t let him win!”
“Win what?” Ron demanded “He’s hopping mad and trying to shake a Tentacula off his leg!”
Harry giggled like a delighted four year old and Ron groaned. “You know, for a couple of blokes who claim to love each other, you sure like to drive each other up the wall. Why can’t you just mow the fucking lawn?”
“It’s a matter of principle!” Harry grunted, finally ripping the sign from Ron’s grip and tucking it under his arm protectively. The redhead shuddered at the maniacal glint in Harry’s eyes as he added “And he’ll be so mad!”
Ron watched uselessly as he strutted off, still chortling.
It was official. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He needed help. He had to bring in stronger forces. Forces that could stop this madness once and for all! And he knew only one person who could strike fear in the hearts of War Heroes…and Malfoy. A person forged from iron and steel and darkness.
But was it worth it? Ron hesitated. Maybe it was too harsh. After all, they were grown ups. Surely they were capable of reason. Maybe he should try talking with them one more time before resorting to such extreme measures…
He was pulled from his musings with a harsh pinch to his arse. Ron squawked indignantly and whirled around, finding himself face to face with a leering lawn gnome. “Hey there, ginger” it grinned, giving him an appreciative once over “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
Ron was gone before it could check.
****
Back at the cottage, another shouting match was in full progress. “You think that’s funny, you bastard?” Draco screeched with unmitigated fury, pointing at Harry’s flashing sign. He would have cut an impressive figure, if it weren’t for the crooning Tentacula wrapped affectionately around his ankle.
Harry was about to reply in the affirmative when a sharp knock sounded.
“This isn’t over, Potter” Draco declared, marching towards the door “When I’m through with you you’re going to…Mother?”
“Narcissa?” Harry gulped.
“Good evening, gentlemen” Narcissa Malfoy smiled blandly at the young men, arms crossed and foot tapping in a decidedly threatening manner “We need to talk.”
****
“It’s not that bad” Draco muttered sulkily, after a forty minute lecture from his mother about how she hadn’t raised him to run around spelling phalluses on lawns.
Narcissa raised a discriminating eyebrow. “Draco, you’re being dry humped by a plant and I was just propositioned by a lawn gnome- which your Father wants back, by the way.”
Harry disguised his snort as a cough, and Narcissa turned on him with a cold glare. “As for you, Mr. Potter- we’re going to have a long talk about how a War Hero is expected to act. Particularly in relation to the...endorsements he decides to back.” Her dry gaze flicked in the direction of the merrily flashing sign and back to a mortified Boy Who Lived.
Draco smirked victoriously as Harry subsided with a meek “Yes, Ma'am.”
His sainted mother didn’t lose a beat as she turned to him with that bland, evil smile. “Oh and Draco darling, as long as I’m chatting with dear Harry, be a lamb and start mowing that atrocity of a lawn.”
****
Lawn Mowing Wars #5
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 700 (approx)
Genre: Humour/Romance
Summary: Ron stops the madness. A follow up to Lawn Mowing Wars #3
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe, or the characters in it. The following was written purely for fun, not profit.
Things became a whole lot more interesting at Godric’s Hollow after that.
First Harry went three dimensional when he conjured up a hand shaped hedge which was charmed to flip off anyone who came too close. A day later, Draco upped the ante by somehow procuring a creepy lawn gnome that trolled the gardens, just waiting for opportunities to moon Harry. By day four, the garden was home to three sheared bushes that bore a suspicious resemblance to pictures from Harry’s copy of Yoga and Tantric Sex, a Venomous Tentacula that had decided that Draco was its mother and a bonsai version of the Whomping Willow that smacked innocent passersby on the arse.
Ron Weasley had not been amused by that last one. He wasn’t sure how the Lawn War had become his problem, but he was Harry’s friend, and friends don’t let friends put up neon signposts stating “Malfoys Like it Rough and Dirty” on their lawn.
“Harry, you are forcing me to be the voice of reason!” a red faced Ron yelled, as he tried to wrestle that goddamn sign from his apparently suicidal best friend “And it’s not a good look for me!”
“Let go, Ron!” Harry snapped, trying to snag his sign back “I can’t let him win!”
“Win what?” Ron demanded “He’s hopping mad and trying to shake a Tentacula off his leg!”
Harry giggled like a delighted four year old and Ron groaned. “You know, for a couple of blokes who claim to love each other, you sure like to drive each other up the wall. Why can’t you just mow the fucking lawn?”
“It’s a matter of principle!” Harry grunted, finally ripping the sign from Ron’s grip and tucking it under his arm protectively. The redhead shuddered at the maniacal glint in Harry’s eyes as he added “And he’ll be so mad!”
Ron watched uselessly as he strutted off, still chortling.
It was official. He couldn’t handle this anymore. He needed help. He had to bring in stronger forces. Forces that could stop this madness once and for all! And he knew only one person who could strike fear in the hearts of War Heroes…and Malfoy. A person forged from iron and steel and darkness.
But was it worth it? Ron hesitated. Maybe it was too harsh. After all, they were grown ups. Surely they were capable of reason. Maybe he should try talking with them one more time before resorting to such extreme measures…
He was pulled from his musings with a harsh pinch to his arse. Ron squawked indignantly and whirled around, finding himself face to face with a leering lawn gnome. “Hey there, ginger” it grinned, giving him an appreciative once over “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
Ron was gone before it could check.
****
Back at the cottage, another shouting match was in full progress. “You think that’s funny, you bastard?” Draco screeched with unmitigated fury, pointing at Harry’s flashing sign. He would have cut an impressive figure, if it weren’t for the crooning Tentacula wrapped affectionately around his ankle.
Harry was about to reply in the affirmative when a sharp knock sounded.
“This isn’t over, Potter” Draco declared, marching towards the door “When I’m through with you you’re going to…Mother?”
“Narcissa?” Harry gulped.
“Good evening, gentlemen” Narcissa Malfoy smiled blandly at the young men, arms crossed and foot tapping in a decidedly threatening manner “We need to talk.”
****
“It’s not that bad” Draco muttered sulkily, after a forty minute lecture from his mother about how she hadn’t raised him to run around spelling phalluses on lawns.
Narcissa raised a discriminating eyebrow. “Draco, you’re being dry humped by a plant and I was just propositioned by a lawn gnome- which your Father wants back, by the way.”
Harry disguised his snort as a cough, and Narcissa turned on him with a cold glare. “As for you, Mr. Potter- we’re going to have a long talk about how a War Hero is expected to act. Particularly in relation to the...endorsements he decides to back.” Her dry gaze flicked in the direction of the merrily flashing sign and back to a mortified Boy Who Lived.
Draco smirked victoriously as Harry subsided with a meek “Yes, Ma'am.”
His sainted mother didn’t lose a beat as she turned to him with that bland, evil smile. “Oh and Draco darling, as long as I’m chatting with dear Harry, be a lamb and start mowing that atrocity of a lawn.”
****
Lawn Mowing Wars #5