Dracpunzel (A fractured fairy tale): Chapter the Tenth
Dracpunzel (A fractured fairy tale)
Chapter the Tenth: In Which Loopholes are Sought
By dracontia
Summary: I’ll bet you can guess how well this will turn out.
Disclaimer: My modest circumstances should make it abundantly clear that I do not profit from the use of these characters (or indeed, from any form of writing.)
Warning: It is recommended that you refrain from eating or drinking (including, but not limited to) porridge, tea, toast, soup, coffee, hair (cursed or otherwise) while reading humor.
Prologue: In Which Ideas are Hare-Brained
Chapter the First: In Which Unwise Incursions are Made
Chapter the Second: In Which Hare-Brained Ideas are Committed to Parchment
Chapter the Third: In Which Childbirth Transpires
Chapter the Fourth: In Which Severus Gains an Apprentice...
Chapter the Fifth: ...and Begins Losing His Mind
Chapter the Sixth: ... In Which it is Established that This is a Hairy Situation
Chapter the Seventh: In Which ‘Dracaena Draco,’ etc. Becomes a Household Word
Chapter the Eighth: In Which There Are Queer Developments
Chapter the Ninth: In Which Draco is Blond
After an hour of fruitless perusal, Severus gave it up as a bad job and decided to take a more direct approach: storming the castle. All the arsehat’s house-elves and all of his pets couldn’t stop Severus from stomping through Malfoy Manor until he located the bastard responsible for his prematurely graying hair.
“Take back your brat, Lucius!”
With a nonchalant expression and cool tone considerably belied by the fact that he scurried to the other side of his desk as soon as Severus burst into his study, Lucius replied, “Not a chance. You signed the contract.”
“If we both agree, it can be revoked! There must be a better way to ingratiate yourself with royalty than this half-arsed, hare-brained scheme.”
Lucius fingered his copy of the scroll lovingly. “It scarcely matters if there is or not. It’s all here in black and parchment. If you want quit of him, find a suitable royal rescuer. If you can’t locate a prince with a few available sisters, I’ve heard that even princesses do that sort of thing these days. Though Narcissa would be quite put out to have such a hoyden for a daughter-in-law, I see no reason to turn down a perfectly pedigreed royal on the grounds of mere eccentricity.” He dodged around Severus in a swirl of ostentatious robes and pretended that he always left the study as if fleeing an angry manticore.
Severus glared at Lucius’ rapidly retreating back and made a genuinely impressive robe-swirl of his own, with a slightly villainous billow for good measure. “Good thing; given your son, an… eccentric prince would be far more to his liking.” Severus muttered at his adversary, with an entirely wasted smirk thrown in for good measure.
His smirk dissolved into disgruntlement two steps beyond the study door at the thought of facing a put-out Narcissa. “Still, she is my best hope at getting around Lucius’ ironclad magical contract,” he mused aloud. He seriously doubted that Lucius, contract or no, had any sort of power equal to overriding his wife’s veto.
Severus chose to knock before entering Narcissa’s drawing room. This was partly out of respect for all the loot he’d acquired as a result of her intervention and partly because, of the two elder Malfoys, Severus was pretty certain which would be the dangerous one to surprise.
A house-elf opened the door, quite unnecessarily announced him to Narcissa (unnecessary because only a deaf houseplant could have been unaware of his presence after his irate entrance,) and showed him in. “Good day, Severus. I trust my darling little dragon is well?”
This was clearly more bullshit, as Severus was fairly certain he had been heard shouting ‘take back your brat’ as far away as the Kingdom of Hufflepuff. He decided to play the hand as dealt. “Truth be told, Narcissa, I do not believe that apprenticeship really suits Draco.”
“Well, of course not,” Narcissa said, achieving a level of arrogant nonchalance Lucius could only dream of. “His impeccable breeding suits him only for exceptional things.”
At this point Severus heroically restrained himself from attempting an exceptional Unforgiveable curse. “I believe the problem may be less of ‘breeding’ and more along the lines of a temperament unsuited to the academic rigors of achieving mastery,” Severus said. He was no slouch at pompous doubletalk either. “I have therefore come to relinquish any claim I might have to him, and return him to your care and keeping. I’m sure you are absolutely perishing to spend some quality time with him after all these years.”
The words scarcely left Severus’ mouth before Narcissa replied. In point of fact, she all but cut him off with unseemly haste. “I have given it considerable thought, and I truly believe that my darling is safest with you, Severus. I cannot trust that Lucius will not attempt to gain some sort of leverage with or against the Terrible Lord-er… oh, bother his name-by any means available to him. So long as Draco remains unavailable…”
“But, Narcissa…” Severus trailed off weakly. There wasn’t really anything that he could say to that, short of lying outright. Severus had wondered if the snakes-on-black motif on Lucius’ robes had been an indication of allegiance or merely a horribly misguided fashion statement. Narcissa’s remarks seemed to suggest that, if Lucius were not already in the snakey poser’s camp, he was ready to jump in with both expensively shod feet if it became advantageous.
“Indeed, depending upon who prevails in this struggle, my sweetling will be better off to stay clear of royalty altogether. In that case, he will simply remain in your tower until he attains Master status; and he may cling to the relative safety of the grounds until such a time as he inherits.” Narcissa sniffled daintily into her handkerchief. “I grieve that I have lived to see the day. My only child’s only hope may be to-to be in trade.”
Much to his dismay, Severus judged that the nearest wall was too distant to conveniently beat his head against.
“Of course, if my precious baby were rescued by a strong prince, a protector powerful enough to successfully oppose this Dark force, then I shouldn’t have any worries,” she mused to the embroidery in her lap. “And neither would you. Good day, Severus.”
Severus took his leave with as much good grace as he could muster at the moment, which was to say none at all. Many doors were slammed on his way out of the manor and much stomping accompanied his walk home, to very little satisfaction on his part. He took his time climbing up the familiar blond chain, trying to figure out how to break the news to the much-manipulated little snot.
“Did Mummy make it all better?” Draco asked eagerly.
Severus’ flicker of sympathy sputtered and died. The nerve of that brat-as if anyone but ME has been ‘making things better’ for him this last decade!“The only bloody thing that will make it all better is ‘A strong, princely hero that can oppose a Dark Lord,’” Severus quoted. “Last I checked, your mummy didn’t qualify, and she can’t protect you even if your father WOULD let you go home-she said as much.”
Given the harshness of that last bit, Severus really should not have been surprised when Draco burst into tears.
“Sod it all-boy, dry up and put on your traveling robes. I’m not coming back until I’ve found you a damned hero, and you need to be ready for a rescue,” Severus said wearily. Draco hastened to obey, even tethered as he still was to the hook on the wall.
Severus gave the braid a cursory tug and levitated to the ground. For all he inveighed against foolish wand-waving, he’d developed a couple of handy spells for those days when his arms were just too tired to make the climb. “A strong, royal hero that can oppose a Dark Lord… Bloody hell,” he moaned. There was nothing for it. He retrieved his broom from the shed and took off in the direction of Hogwarts Castle.
Chapter the Eleventh: In Which Desperate Measures are Taken
Chapter the Twelfth: In Which Severus Sees More Than He Would Have Preferred
Chapter the Thirteenth: In Which Draco is a Princess
Chapter the Fourteenth: In Which Harry is Awfully Short for a Prince
Chapter the Fifteenth: In Which Draco’s Prince Comes...
Epilogue: In Which Severus is Through With This Sh*t
Comprehensive Fic List
Chapter the Tenth: In Which Loopholes are Sought
By dracontia
Summary: I’ll bet you can guess how well this will turn out.
Disclaimer: My modest circumstances should make it abundantly clear that I do not profit from the use of these characters (or indeed, from any form of writing.)
Warning: It is recommended that you refrain from eating or drinking (including, but not limited to) porridge, tea, toast, soup, coffee, hair (cursed or otherwise) while reading humor.
Prologue: In Which Ideas are Hare-Brained
Chapter the First: In Which Unwise Incursions are Made
Chapter the Second: In Which Hare-Brained Ideas are Committed to Parchment
Chapter the Third: In Which Childbirth Transpires
Chapter the Fourth: In Which Severus Gains an Apprentice...
Chapter the Fifth: ...and Begins Losing His Mind
Chapter the Sixth: ... In Which it is Established that This is a Hairy Situation
Chapter the Seventh: In Which ‘Dracaena Draco,’ etc. Becomes a Household Word
Chapter the Eighth: In Which There Are Queer Developments
Chapter the Ninth: In Which Draco is Blond
After an hour of fruitless perusal, Severus gave it up as a bad job and decided to take a more direct approach: storming the castle. All the arsehat’s house-elves and all of his pets couldn’t stop Severus from stomping through Malfoy Manor until he located the bastard responsible for his prematurely graying hair.
“Take back your brat, Lucius!”
With a nonchalant expression and cool tone considerably belied by the fact that he scurried to the other side of his desk as soon as Severus burst into his study, Lucius replied, “Not a chance. You signed the contract.”
“If we both agree, it can be revoked! There must be a better way to ingratiate yourself with royalty than this half-arsed, hare-brained scheme.”
Lucius fingered his copy of the scroll lovingly. “It scarcely matters if there is or not. It’s all here in black and parchment. If you want quit of him, find a suitable royal rescuer. If you can’t locate a prince with a few available sisters, I’ve heard that even princesses do that sort of thing these days. Though Narcissa would be quite put out to have such a hoyden for a daughter-in-law, I see no reason to turn down a perfectly pedigreed royal on the grounds of mere eccentricity.” He dodged around Severus in a swirl of ostentatious robes and pretended that he always left the study as if fleeing an angry manticore.
Severus glared at Lucius’ rapidly retreating back and made a genuinely impressive robe-swirl of his own, with a slightly villainous billow for good measure. “Good thing; given your son, an… eccentric prince would be far more to his liking.” Severus muttered at his adversary, with an entirely wasted smirk thrown in for good measure.
His smirk dissolved into disgruntlement two steps beyond the study door at the thought of facing a put-out Narcissa. “Still, she is my best hope at getting around Lucius’ ironclad magical contract,” he mused aloud. He seriously doubted that Lucius, contract or no, had any sort of power equal to overriding his wife’s veto.
Severus chose to knock before entering Narcissa’s drawing room. This was partly out of respect for all the loot he’d acquired as a result of her intervention and partly because, of the two elder Malfoys, Severus was pretty certain which would be the dangerous one to surprise.
A house-elf opened the door, quite unnecessarily announced him to Narcissa (unnecessary because only a deaf houseplant could have been unaware of his presence after his irate entrance,) and showed him in. “Good day, Severus. I trust my darling little dragon is well?”
This was clearly more bullshit, as Severus was fairly certain he had been heard shouting ‘take back your brat’ as far away as the Kingdom of Hufflepuff. He decided to play the hand as dealt. “Truth be told, Narcissa, I do not believe that apprenticeship really suits Draco.”
“Well, of course not,” Narcissa said, achieving a level of arrogant nonchalance Lucius could only dream of. “His impeccable breeding suits him only for exceptional things.”
At this point Severus heroically restrained himself from attempting an exceptional Unforgiveable curse. “I believe the problem may be less of ‘breeding’ and more along the lines of a temperament unsuited to the academic rigors of achieving mastery,” Severus said. He was no slouch at pompous doubletalk either. “I have therefore come to relinquish any claim I might have to him, and return him to your care and keeping. I’m sure you are absolutely perishing to spend some quality time with him after all these years.”
The words scarcely left Severus’ mouth before Narcissa replied. In point of fact, she all but cut him off with unseemly haste. “I have given it considerable thought, and I truly believe that my darling is safest with you, Severus. I cannot trust that Lucius will not attempt to gain some sort of leverage with or against the Terrible Lord-er… oh, bother his name-by any means available to him. So long as Draco remains unavailable…”
“But, Narcissa…” Severus trailed off weakly. There wasn’t really anything that he could say to that, short of lying outright. Severus had wondered if the snakes-on-black motif on Lucius’ robes had been an indication of allegiance or merely a horribly misguided fashion statement. Narcissa’s remarks seemed to suggest that, if Lucius were not already in the snakey poser’s camp, he was ready to jump in with both expensively shod feet if it became advantageous.
“Indeed, depending upon who prevails in this struggle, my sweetling will be better off to stay clear of royalty altogether. In that case, he will simply remain in your tower until he attains Master status; and he may cling to the relative safety of the grounds until such a time as he inherits.” Narcissa sniffled daintily into her handkerchief. “I grieve that I have lived to see the day. My only child’s only hope may be to-to be in trade.”
Much to his dismay, Severus judged that the nearest wall was too distant to conveniently beat his head against.
“Of course, if my precious baby were rescued by a strong prince, a protector powerful enough to successfully oppose this Dark force, then I shouldn’t have any worries,” she mused to the embroidery in her lap. “And neither would you. Good day, Severus.”
Severus took his leave with as much good grace as he could muster at the moment, which was to say none at all. Many doors were slammed on his way out of the manor and much stomping accompanied his walk home, to very little satisfaction on his part. He took his time climbing up the familiar blond chain, trying to figure out how to break the news to the much-manipulated little snot.
“Did Mummy make it all better?” Draco asked eagerly.
Severus’ flicker of sympathy sputtered and died. The nerve of that brat-as if anyone but ME has been ‘making things better’ for him this last decade!“The only bloody thing that will make it all better is ‘A strong, princely hero that can oppose a Dark Lord,’” Severus quoted. “Last I checked, your mummy didn’t qualify, and she can’t protect you even if your father WOULD let you go home-she said as much.”
Given the harshness of that last bit, Severus really should not have been surprised when Draco burst into tears.
“Sod it all-boy, dry up and put on your traveling robes. I’m not coming back until I’ve found you a damned hero, and you need to be ready for a rescue,” Severus said wearily. Draco hastened to obey, even tethered as he still was to the hook on the wall.
Severus gave the braid a cursory tug and levitated to the ground. For all he inveighed against foolish wand-waving, he’d developed a couple of handy spells for those days when his arms were just too tired to make the climb. “A strong, royal hero that can oppose a Dark Lord… Bloody hell,” he moaned. There was nothing for it. He retrieved his broom from the shed and took off in the direction of Hogwarts Castle.
Chapter the Eleventh: In Which Desperate Measures are Taken
Chapter the Twelfth: In Which Severus Sees More Than He Would Have Preferred
Chapter the Thirteenth: In Which Draco is a Princess
Chapter the Fourteenth: In Which Harry is Awfully Short for a Prince
Chapter the Fifteenth: In Which Draco’s Prince Comes...
Epilogue: In Which Severus is Through With This Sh*t
Comprehensive Fic List