(no subject)
Doctor's orders again, confined to my chair every three days so dizzy I can't walk. Not supposed to have any contact with people for between one to three months until my therapy can resume. I'm on drug withdrawals -- medical, not recreational. I'm 100% clean of illegal substances. Its the paroxetine. There was a conspiracy with GlaxoSmithKline over the drug, feel free to look it up if you want to know why the drug they promised had no withdrawals is now fucking me up as I try to get off of it. Doctor B says we can't move forward with fixing anything until I'm out of the woods with these stupid drugs. The crappy part is that I'm feeling better on the Lexapro than I ever did on paroxetine and i actually feel like seeing people again, for the first time in maybe a year. It's been confirmed that I was on the wrong meds and that's why it was messing me up so bad emotionally. The withdrawals are brutal. I woke up at 3am seeing golden tablets full of heiroglyphs, white pearlescent plasma balls, molten orbs, Serbians in full artic gear in the bathroom, shellshock, not to mention all of the other effects of coming down from this shit, such as intense quaking, unstable hands, intense dizziness, brain sparks (like the movie skipping abruptly while you're trying to walk or lift food out of the oven... yeah, that sucked.) It also turns out that my heart medication was too low, so they upped that. It's pretty nasty. I don't feel human right now. I feel like a lab rat. But at least I have hours of happiness and contentment amongst the misery. It's nice, definitely an improvement. I'm glad to suffer the rest if I can have my creativity, joviality, energy, good sleep, and bravery back. Completely worth it. I want to work on my post-traumatic-stress-disorder. I'm sick of feeling like that, the sickness in my gut, the wash of adrenaline, the terror, the floatiness in my head every time I jostle or see a light burn or anything that even reminds me of my eyes. I'm eager to get back to that once I'm out of the woods with this withdrawal.
I finally feel like I have hope of fixing my head. I've been too long like this and I want to be able to function in society again. I know my relationships with the people I knew are ruined, but I'm confident now that it wasn't my fault. I was sick. Literally in a disease state. I was screwed up in the head. I hit rock bottom and I'm reinventing myself. I have short hair, I sleep at night now, I've started wearing different kinds of clothes, I speak differently, I eat differently, and I'm into new things. I'm happy for the first time in a long time. Maybe for the first time in my life I can say I'm really happy. Yeah, things are hard, but I don't mind now and I'm getting used to dealing with things that I couldn't handle before. I've gotten away from the stress of my family, we're starting to have enough money to put into savings and stop having to borrow and mooch to pay the bills and stay fed. My spiritual walk is growing stronger and I'm going to church again, but this time on my schedule and with the counsel of God's word instead of zealots and sycophants.
We're getting signed up for food stamps, medicare, and section 8 housing so we can start living like people instead of peasants and hobos, and we've already been pre-approved so it's now just a matter of time and effort. We found a government program to get me a cell phone since we couldn't afford to keep the one I had paid. I'm getting in touch with an advocacy attourney who comes highly recommended by my psychologist and a former union steward, so I might be able to get the disabilities thing going. I have my Disabilities bus card already and can arrange MV transit for pick up and drop off on location, so once all of this finishes going through I'll have a real life again. I've spoken withg some people at the local community college (SFCC) about aptitude testing and disabilities resources I can make use of when going back to school. I don't know if I'll do anythying but finish up my remedials and required classes yet, but it would be nice to have them out of the way. Really, I just don't know what I want to study since everything I loved has been made unavailable because of my eyes. Oceanogrphy, Graphic Design, I just can't get into those fields with my limitations. But a history major might be nice, to study art and the humanities. Maybe some stage acting, too, since I know the teacher. Could be fun. I don't know, just postulating. I might not go back at all until I have a bigger drive to do so. Inspiration, dedication, and discipline are things I lack, and i want to discover those qualities a bit more before devoting myself to something that could ruin my life if I screw up.
I finally feel like I have hope of fixing my head. I've been too long like this and I want to be able to function in society again. I know my relationships with the people I knew are ruined, but I'm confident now that it wasn't my fault. I was sick. Literally in a disease state. I was screwed up in the head. I hit rock bottom and I'm reinventing myself. I have short hair, I sleep at night now, I've started wearing different kinds of clothes, I speak differently, I eat differently, and I'm into new things. I'm happy for the first time in a long time. Maybe for the first time in my life I can say I'm really happy. Yeah, things are hard, but I don't mind now and I'm getting used to dealing with things that I couldn't handle before. I've gotten away from the stress of my family, we're starting to have enough money to put into savings and stop having to borrow and mooch to pay the bills and stay fed. My spiritual walk is growing stronger and I'm going to church again, but this time on my schedule and with the counsel of God's word instead of zealots and sycophants.
We're getting signed up for food stamps, medicare, and section 8 housing so we can start living like people instead of peasants and hobos, and we've already been pre-approved so it's now just a matter of time and effort. We found a government program to get me a cell phone since we couldn't afford to keep the one I had paid. I'm getting in touch with an advocacy attourney who comes highly recommended by my psychologist and a former union steward, so I might be able to get the disabilities thing going. I have my Disabilities bus card already and can arrange MV transit for pick up and drop off on location, so once all of this finishes going through I'll have a real life again. I've spoken withg some people at the local community college (SFCC) about aptitude testing and disabilities resources I can make use of when going back to school. I don't know if I'll do anythying but finish up my remedials and required classes yet, but it would be nice to have them out of the way. Really, I just don't know what I want to study since everything I loved has been made unavailable because of my eyes. Oceanogrphy, Graphic Design, I just can't get into those fields with my limitations. But a history major might be nice, to study art and the humanities. Maybe some stage acting, too, since I know the teacher. Could be fun. I don't know, just postulating. I might not go back at all until I have a bigger drive to do so. Inspiration, dedication, and discipline are things I lack, and i want to discover those qualities a bit more before devoting myself to something that could ruin my life if I screw up.