Chapter Twenty-one
Title: Sanctuary
Author: drabbles_by_v
Characters/Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, team
Rating: FRAO/NC-17
Word Count: 4,398
Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine and I'm making no profit by playing with their characters.
Warnings: AU, slash, assumes knowledge through season 5.
Summary: A haunted and despairing Aaron Hotchner finds solace and love in an unexpected form: a young priest named Spencer Reid. Inspired by a kink!meme prompt found in chapter one.
Author's Note: Augh. *fears this chapter sucks* Please tell me if it does, I have never been so insecure about not having a beta before in my life.
Previous chapters here.
Aaron met with the rest of team later in the day. He walked into the conference room last and sat down, carefully, and immediately opened the folder set at his chair. “Yes, I’m aware,” he said before any of them could say anything about his neck. “Now let’s move on.”
“Okay,” Morgan said. “We found the apartment that the pictures were taken from. Guy said a photographer offered to pay him $50 to use his window because it had the exact angle of the street he needed. He was able to ID Foyet as the photographer.”
“And the warden at Red Onion State called this morning,” Garcia said. “They aren’t sure which envelopes the negatives came in, or even if they did come in an envelope. But they have a record of every piece of incoming mail and the return addresses and I’ve searched all of them and got zilch, except that one of the names doesn’t exist and the address was phony.”
“Where did the address say it was from?” Aaron asked.
“Virginia,” Garcia said. “Not too far from here. But the street and house don’t exist.”
“And is there any way to find out where the film was developed?”
“Not yet, sir,” Garcia said. “I’m still looking into it.”
“Where does that leave us on finding him?” Aaron asked, already knowing what the answer was.
Garcia still sounded reluctant. “Absolutely nowhere.”
“We’re still tracking his medications and his known aliases,” Morgan said. “No hits yet.”
“We’re not going to find him until he wants to be found, are we,” Prentiss said.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Thinking like that certainly won’t help,” Aaron said, closing the folder. “Everyone slips eventually, we just need to keep watching.”
“And if he doesn’t slip before he decides to make his move?”
No one answered that.
---
Aaron tried his best not to leave too early, but he still managed to finish his paperwork much faster than he otherwise would. He even lingered around JJ’s office for a while asking her about possible new cases that might be crossing her desk before she shooed him out. But the end of the day arrived, he was still in Virginia, and he had two choices right now: go home, or go visit the only other member of the BAU who was still here. Rossi.
Aaron strongly suspected that Rossi was staying late to make sure that he wouldn’t. He wasn’t about to let the older man call him a coward, or say something that would snarkily imply it. The last thing he wanted to hear right now was a well-timed witticism about his balls. So home he went.
Spencer was inside sitting on one of the breakfast stools. His only reaction to Aaron’s entrance was to move his eyes towards him in what might be considered a greeting. Other than that, he stayed still.
“How-” Aaron started to ask.
“Reason number one,” Spencer said, straightening and turning to face him. “You made me leave after you asked me to stay.”
Aaron winced and walked past him into the bedroom to set down his bag and take off his jacket. He walked back out.
“Reason two, you made me leave because of something you were scared to learn about yourself. Reason three, you said it was to keep me safe.” Spencer held up his hand to silence Aaron’s protest. “Reason four, you actually believe it was to keep me safe. You said you’d listen,” he said when Aaron tried to protest again.
“Can I get a drink and listen from the couch?” Aaron ventured.
Spencer raised an eyebrow at him. “If you pour me one too,” he said.
“What about eating dinner?” Aaron asked.
Spencer glared at him.
“Drinking hard alcohol on an empty stomach wouldn’t be good for me,” Aaron pointed out.
“Fine,” Spencer relented.
“Thank you,” Aaron said. He felt the daggers on his back as he rummaged through the fridge and pulled out plate of leftovers. “Do you want any?”
“I ate,” Spencer said.
Aaron put the plate in the microwave. “How was your day?”
“I spent it thinking of reasons I’m angry with you,” Spencer snapped. “How do you think it was?”
“Fair enough,” Aaron said. When the microwave beeped he pulled the plate out and leaned on the counter across from the other man and started eating. “Would it help if I offered to sleep on the couch tonight?”
Spencer looked surprised. “I…actually, yes, I would appreciate that.” He paused and then added in a softer voice, “Thank you, Aaron.”
David Rossi one, Aaron Hotchner zero, Aaron thought. Not like he was ever going to tell Rossi that. Still, it had softened the look on Spencer’s face considerably, and he was grateful. He ate in silence with Spencer watched and when he was finished he stalled by loading the dishwasher.
But eventually the number of things to clean ran out and Aaron had to go hunting in his liquor cabinet for the amaretto. He’d shoved it to the back when Spencer left, hated even the sight of that damn bottle, but now it was something to be carefully handled. He poured a drink for Spencer, a drink for himself, and then they both sat down on opposite ends of the couch.
“Reason five?” Aaron asked softly.
Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Reason five,” he said. “Having me move out was not enough. You had to publish a story about me moving out and you having an affair. Reason six, you lied to me.”
Aaron sat and listened quietly to every reason Spencer had to be angry with him. It was a long list. He felt a few of them were exaggerations (like the reason that he was the cause of Spencer accidentally swearing in front of Father James), but he wasn’t about to point that out right now. He sipped at his scotch and nodded frequently. And then Spencer said something that shocked him.
“The last reason,” Spencer said, his voice suddenly getting much quieter, “Is that you made me leave and that left you alone, right when you needed someone the most, and you didn’t take care of yourself. I love you, and you hurt yourself. I can’t even describe how much it hurts to see that you’re in pain, knowing that I could have helped if you’d just let me stay.”
Aaron’s breath caught. “Spencer…”
Spencer downed the rest of his drink and stood up, looking a little hazy. “And those are all my reasons,” he said.
Aaron rose and tried to help him, but Spencer pushed him off and went into the bedroom and closed the door.
Aaron stared at the door and then resigned himself to a night on the couch in the boxers he was wearing and a blanket from the hall closet.
---
Aaron was woken up in the middle of the night by a hand on his shoulder. He scowled first-it had taken him how long to get comfortable enough on the cushions that seemed to want to slide everywhere-then blinked open his eyes. “Spence?” he muttered, staring at the fuzzy dark shape in front of him. He blinked again.
“This is stupid,” Spencer said. “And I’m still glad you offered. But come to bed.”
Aaron sat up, rubbing his face.
“It’s like you said,” Spencer continued. “We should spend as much time with the people we care about as possible. You could get called out on a case tomorrow and get killed. So, come to bed.”
“Can I play that card whenever you’re mad at me?” Aaron asked. “I might go out on a case tomorrow and get killed?”
“You can try,” Spencer said. “I can’t guarantee it will always work.”
Aaron followed Spencer into the bed and curled up gratefully behind him. He wrapped his arm around Spencer’s waist and pulled him flush. Spencer covered Aaron’s hand with his own and linked their fingers.
“I missed this so much,” Spencer said.
“So did I,” Aaron said. He could feel sleep tugging at him and he sighed, settling into the pillow and relishing the feeling of a mattress and a warm body to share it with.
---
As luck would have it, Aaron did get called out on a case the following morning. He was gone for the next four days searching for a little girl who had gone missing, the second one in two weeks. The first one had wound up dead and they were determined to find this one before that happened.
Aaron was the one who found the basement door. He crept down the stairs with his gun and flashlight raised, as quietly as he could in case the unsub was down there with the girl, listening to them search his house. Aaron couldn’t see anyone in the basement so he lowered his gun slightly. There were still plenty of places for someone to hide. Keeping his back to the wall, he shone his light on every box.
A noise came out from behind one of them and Aaron snapped to attention. He walked over and pushed the box aside with his foot. A little girl with tangled hair and huge eyes stared up at him, clutching a blanket to her chest.
Aaron’s sigh of relief was audible. “Is he in here?” he asked the girl, moving his gun to the side. When she shook her head, Aaron holstered it. “I have her, in the basement,” he said into his radio. He knelt and picked the girl up and she wrapped her arms around his neck.
“We found him,” came Prentiss’s answer. “Morgan’s chasing.”
Aaron walked up the stairs. JJ was at the top waiting for him and she held her arms out. Aaron handed the girl over and saw JJ’s eyes well up with tears as she hugged the child and carried her out to the waiting ambulance. The frantic parents would be here soon.
Aaron heard shouting in the back and went out to see Morgan hauling the handcuffed man back by the scruff of his neck. Prentiss came up beside him to watch.
“If only they all ended like this, huh?” she asked.
Aaron could only nod and allow himself a faint smile. But they wouldn’t all end like this, which was why he needed to fix things with Spencer, as soon as possible.
---
When Aaron got home that night, he didn’t give Spencer a chance to speak. He took the younger man firmly by the shoulders and walked him backwards and kissed him deeply. “Tell me what I have to do,” he said. “Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it, I was an idiot and I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”
Spencer’s response was to pull him back into the kiss and lead him into the bedroom. Aaron climbed on top of him and started to undress and explore his lover’s upper body with a care that left Spencer breathless. And it seemed good, it seemed so good, until Aaron went to Spencer’s neck and started to kiss.
One moment he was focusing on Spencer’s pale skin, and the next Aaron felt a leg hook around his body and found himself on his back. The entire balance shifted and not long after that Spencer was shuddering inside of him and pulling out and Aaron was staring at the ceiling, panting, wondering what had just happened. Spencer pulled the covers up and curled up next to him.
Spencer changed after that. He and Aaron settled into the comfortable familiarity they had shared before Foyet and Aaron could at times trick himself into believing that everything between them was fine. But night after night, Spencer was the one who flipped Aaron onto his back or his stomach and pushed into him. If Aaron ever tried to touch Spencer’s neck or anywhere below his waist, Spencer stopped him immediately.
That was what had happened earlier that night, and now Aaron was sitting in the living room swirling scotch around in a glass and watching the way the moonlight reflected on the liquid as it moved. He couldn’t sleep and he’d carefully crawled out of bed and come out here to think.
Aaron wanted to be with Spencer, and he couldn’t say that he disliked being taken. Nor did he believe that their roles had to be fixed and that either of them “belonged” in one or the other. But…
But something wasn’t right. Spencer had always yielded to him, admitted more than once that he relished being held down and having Aaron inside him. So what was wrong?
Aaron frowned and gulped down some of the liquor. He knew exactly what was wrong. He just didn’t want to be facing it, because outside of the bedroom, everything felt right again, and he didn’t want to lose that again. But it needed to be addressed, sooner rather than later, before there was too much damage between them.
Spencer didn’t trust him, was scared to allow Aaron the same kind of possession he’d previously held. Aaron didn’t know how to fix it, but he had to try. The way they were now was never going to make them happy.
Frustrated and confused, Aaron turned his thoughts to Jack and Haley. He missed his son and he wondered if Jack missed him too. He wondered if Jack ever asked about him or Spencer. Aaron had no idea where Jack and Haley were, only the assurance of the marshal assigned to them that they were far out of Foyet’s reach. After it became clear that Foyet was lingering in Virginia to watch Aaron and Spencer, they had been moved out of the state, and that was all Aaron knew. Better that way, but it still hurt.
He finished his glass and made a face. Work tomorrow, paperwork day. Then home, and then providing there were no new cases, an evening and weekend with Spencer. When he could ask Spencer why he didn’t trust him.
Aaron winced. Bad question. He knew why Spencer didn’t trust him. He would ask what he needed to do to gain his trust back.
“Aaron?”
Aaron looked up, feeling guilty and not sure why.
“Are you okay?”
Aaron meant to say, Yeah, just couldn’t sleep, but instead what he heard coming out of his mouth was, “No, I’m not.”
Spencer came over and sat next to him on the couch. “Do I need to ask why?”
Do you? Aaron wondered. He looked at Spencer, then lifted his hand and tried to curl it around Spencer’s neck.
As soon as fingers touched skin, Spencer jerked away, raising his arm up defensively.
Aaron let his fingers hang in midair for another moment while he met Spencer’s eyes before letting his hand and his gaze fall back to his lap. “That’s why,” he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Spencer pull his legs up and hug his knees to his chest.
“I’m not angry anymore,” Spencer said. “There’s no point. It’s exhausting.”
“Have you forgiven me?”
The pause before the answer was answer enough. “No,” Spencer finally said.
Aaron nodded. “Why?”
“I don’t trust you,” Spencer said.
Aaron looked at him. “What can I do?”
Spencer shrugged, keeping his face lowered to his knees.
Silence fell over them. Aaron ached to reach out and pull Spencer to him and hold him and sooth his pain away. But he waited.
The minutes stretched on. Then Spencer uncurled and shifted and lay down with his head in Aaron’s lap. Aaron rested his hand on Spencer’s hair and pet, careful to avoid touching any part of his neck.
“You’re the person I want to go to when I’m scared,” Spencer said. “But it’s you I’m afraid of.”
Aaron gazed across the room, allowing his eyes to unfocus while he thought. “You were brave enough to tell me that,” he said.
“I want to be yours,” Spencer said. “But how do I know you won’t do something like this again?”
Aaron couldn’t quite stifle the bark of laughter. “Chances are I won’t get another psychopath like Foyet after me again,” he said.
“But if,” Spencer pressed.
“I thought I was doing the best thing,” Aaron said. “And now I know it wasn’t. If something like this ever happened again, I wouldn’t make the mistake of trying to hide you. I know you’re strong enough to face this with me.”
“You promise?”
“I swear.”
“And you know you were an idiot?”
“I know I was an idiot,” Aaron said. “You gave everything to help me and I didn’t do the same. I want to fix that now.”
“Okay,” Spencer whispered.
Aaron waited a few minutes for the rest of his thoughts to settle into words. “I learned my lesson,” he said. “We both know how well I did without you. I never want to go through that again.”
Spencer reached back and caught Aaron’s hand and squeezed. “I’m still scared,” he said.
“We’ll only do what you’re comfortable with. Whatever it takes for you to trust me again.”
Spencer turned his head to look up at Aaron. “Only what I’m comfortable with,” he said.
Aaron brushed his fingers down the side of Spencer’s face. “Of course.”
Spencer sat up and turned sideways on the couch. Aaron twisted to face him and Spencer took his face gently in his hands and pulled him into a kiss. He lay back and Aaron followed and they moved together until they were stretched out, Aaron on top of Spencer, pressing their lips together.
Aaron followed and mirrored Spencer’s moves and touches, never going anywhere or doing anything that the younger man didn’t do first. When Spencer’s hands started wandering up his shirt, Aaron sat up to let him pull it off. When he went to move his hands under Spencer’s, Spencer turned his head away. Aaron stopped, confused. His lover hadn’t minded that before.
“What is it?”
Spencer licked his lips briefly. “Here’s the thing,” he said. “And I should have told you this weeks ago. It’s that thing I said I still needed to talk to you about but never did.”
Aaron vaguely remembered that and nodded.
“I can’t forget you saying that you missed being with a woman,” Spencer said. “And I’m scared that you’ll be with me and you’ll realize that you don’t like being with men or that you’ll just be comparing me and I won’t be as good-”
Aaron cut him off by kissing him swiftly. “That won’t happen,” he said.
“But you were with a woman for most of your life!” Spencer protested. “You were never sexually attracted to men before me, how-”
Aaron kissed him again. “Before you,” he said. “I was never sexually attracted to men before you. But I wasn’t even sexually attracted to other women while I was with Haley.”
“Not even as a teenager?”
Aaron hesitated. “Well…”
“Come on, of course you were as a teenager.”
Aaron felt his face getting hot. “Yeah, but as a teenager I also thought about other guys,” he said. “I just tried to tell myself it didn’t mean anything and forget about it.”
Spencer’s eyes widened. “Really?”
“Really,” Aaron said. “But I didn’t think about it until I met you.” He tried again to touch Spencer and the other man squirmed uncomfortably.
“What if it was a phase and you really do only like women and you remember that as soon as you…” Spencer gestured with one hand. “…With me again?”
Aaron stared at him. “That isn’t going to happen,” he said.
“But how do you know?” Spencer asked, again turning his head away when Aaron tried to kiss him.
Aaron huffed. “I have to prove to you that I’m attracted to your body?”
Spencer hesitated, then nodded.
Aaron thought for a few moments. Seduce. He needed to seduce. He could do that. “Do you know what I’ve been wanting to do since you’ve been back?”
Spencer shook his head.
Aaron leaned in closer so he could brush his lips against Spencer’s ear. “Suck you off,” he said in the lowest purr he could manage. He felt and heard Spencer’s breath hitch. He also felt Spencer growing hard against his thigh.
“Really?” Spencer asked, his voice small.
“Really,” Aaron said. He met Spencer’s eyes and very slowly moved his hand down his lover’s body while he spoke, keeping his voice calm and even. “I’ve missed touching you, missed being able to stroke you until you’re hard before kissing you all over. I’ve missed licking you up and down and sucking on you and feeling your hands in my hair, hearing you gasp while you come in my mouth.” He continued to watch Spencer’s face. The younger man’s eyes fluttered shut and his head tilted back while listening. Aaron allowed himself a pleased smirk when Spencer licked his lips. “And if you’ll let me,” he continued in the same low voice, “I’ll do that right now, touch you and suck you until you can’t take it and you explode, because I love everything about your body and I want to worship every part of it.”
“Aaron,” Spencer whispered, his eyes closed, pushing his hips up.
Aaron’s hand had made it all the way down to Spencer’s groin without the other man noticing. He squeezed gently and stroked once through the fabric of the sweatpants. Spencer made a startled sound. “Please let me do this,” Aaron whispered back.
“Oh God,” Spencer managed. “But what if…”
Aaron took a chance and pressed his lips right under Spencer’s jaw and kissed. No sucking, no biting, not yet. He just licked and kissed the spot. “Do you remember how you would beg me?”
“Aaron…”
“And how good it felt?” Aaron continued, still moving his hand slowly over Spencer’s erection. “Don’t you want to feel that now?”
“I…”
Aaron scraped his teeth lightly over Spencer’s skin. “Let me do this for you, let me make up for everything I’ve done to you.” He lifted his head and looked into Spencer’s wide eyes before kissing him, pouring everything he had into that single kiss, trying to convey everything he loved about Spencer with one touch. He pulled away. “I’ve caused you so much pain, please let me do something good instead.” He kissed each corner of Spencer’s mouth. “You remember how good I could make you feel…”
Spencer’s hips pressed up into his hand and his hand came up to grip Aaron’s shoulder.
Aaron smiled. “Do you want me to?” He lifted his hand away.
The loss of Aaron’s touch caused Spencer to finally give in. “Please, yes,” he begged, and grabbed Aaron and pulled him into a desperate kiss while Aaron began rubbing him again. He slid his hand below the sweatpants and wrapped his fingers around Spencer’s hardened length and heard his lover gasp.
Aaron lowered into the kiss while he stroked, feeling Spencer’s heated flesh under his fingers for the first time in months and feeling gratitude and joy filling his chest. “Love you,” he murmured into the kiss before shifting his weight back and breaking the contact between their lips to move down Spencer’s body.
Aaron didn’t waste any time teasing. He tugged at the waistband of Spencer’s pants and Spencer lifted his hips up so Aaron could pull them down. When his legs were free, Spencer let one slide off the couch and lifted his other knee, leaving himself completely open. He shifted back so he could rest against the arm and watch.
Aaron settled himself between Spencer’s legs and took only a moment to admire the younger man before kissing the very tip and taking Spencer’s cock in hand. He began kissing and licking, moving up and down the entire length until he was certain he had paid due and equal attention to every inch of skin.
Spencer’s breath was coming in short gasps by that point. Aaron glanced up at him and saw his lover completely transfixed and moving his mouth silently. He pressed his face to Spencer’s cock and rubbed, careful to avoid the stubble on his jaw, closing his eyes to lose himself in the moment. Spencer’s fingers came to rest lightly against his cheek.
“Aaron,” Spencer said in a voice that was tight with arousal. “Oh…oh!”
Aaron brought Spencer’s cock between his lips and circled his tongue around the head before sucking further. Spencer’s fingers moved from his cheek to the top of his head. He dipped his head down and back up and was rewarded with a delicious moan.
“Yes,” Spencer breathed, his fingers tightening in Aaron’s hair. “Yes, like that…”
Aaron did like that and better. He drew the experience out, wanting to savor it for as long as possible and also wanting to prolong Spencer’s pleasure. If this was his chance to show his lover that he wanted him, he wasn’t going to blow it. Every trick he’d ever learned was played, every favorite spot he’d ever found was exploited, and every minute that ticked by brought more gasps and moans from Spencer.
Aaron ignored when his jaw started to ache and his hand began to feel cramped and focused on the way Spencer’s hips were beginning to lift off the couch. It was the sign he’d been waiting for and he sped up the rhythm of his hand and sucked and moments later, Spencer sobbed above him and shot into his mouth.
Aaron stilled and closed his eyes, breathing carefully through his nose between swallows. He loved every part of Spencer and he was going to prove it. He didn’t let go until Spencer’s body went limp. He lifted his head and wiped the back of his hand across his lips, looking up at his panting lover. He crawled back up and pressed his hand to the side of Spencer’s face.
At first, Spencer flinched and Aaron drew his hand back, his heart falling, but then Spencer looked at him and stilled. His eyes searched Aaron’s face and then he grabbed Aaron and pulled him down into a crushing embrace.
Aaron sighed with relief and hugged him back, wrapping his arms carefully around Spencer’s head and neck, pressing their cheeks together.
“Don’t ever leave me again,” Spencer whispered.
“Never,” Aaron swore.
Author: drabbles_by_v
Characters/Pairings: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, team
Rating: FRAO/NC-17
Word Count: 4,398
Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine and I'm making no profit by playing with their characters.
Warnings: AU, slash, assumes knowledge through season 5.
Summary: A haunted and despairing Aaron Hotchner finds solace and love in an unexpected form: a young priest named Spencer Reid. Inspired by a kink!meme prompt found in chapter one.
Author's Note: Augh. *fears this chapter sucks* Please tell me if it does, I have never been so insecure about not having a beta before in my life.
Previous chapters here.
Aaron met with the rest of team later in the day. He walked into the conference room last and sat down, carefully, and immediately opened the folder set at his chair. “Yes, I’m aware,” he said before any of them could say anything about his neck. “Now let’s move on.”
“Okay,” Morgan said. “We found the apartment that the pictures were taken from. Guy said a photographer offered to pay him $50 to use his window because it had the exact angle of the street he needed. He was able to ID Foyet as the photographer.”
“And the warden at Red Onion State called this morning,” Garcia said. “They aren’t sure which envelopes the negatives came in, or even if they did come in an envelope. But they have a record of every piece of incoming mail and the return addresses and I’ve searched all of them and got zilch, except that one of the names doesn’t exist and the address was phony.”
“Where did the address say it was from?” Aaron asked.
“Virginia,” Garcia said. “Not too far from here. But the street and house don’t exist.”
“And is there any way to find out where the film was developed?”
“Not yet, sir,” Garcia said. “I’m still looking into it.”
“Where does that leave us on finding him?” Aaron asked, already knowing what the answer was.
Garcia still sounded reluctant. “Absolutely nowhere.”
“We’re still tracking his medications and his known aliases,” Morgan said. “No hits yet.”
“We’re not going to find him until he wants to be found, are we,” Prentiss said.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“Thinking like that certainly won’t help,” Aaron said, closing the folder. “Everyone slips eventually, we just need to keep watching.”
“And if he doesn’t slip before he decides to make his move?”
No one answered that.
---
Aaron tried his best not to leave too early, but he still managed to finish his paperwork much faster than he otherwise would. He even lingered around JJ’s office for a while asking her about possible new cases that might be crossing her desk before she shooed him out. But the end of the day arrived, he was still in Virginia, and he had two choices right now: go home, or go visit the only other member of the BAU who was still here. Rossi.
Aaron strongly suspected that Rossi was staying late to make sure that he wouldn’t. He wasn’t about to let the older man call him a coward, or say something that would snarkily imply it. The last thing he wanted to hear right now was a well-timed witticism about his balls. So home he went.
Spencer was inside sitting on one of the breakfast stools. His only reaction to Aaron’s entrance was to move his eyes towards him in what might be considered a greeting. Other than that, he stayed still.
“How-” Aaron started to ask.
“Reason number one,” Spencer said, straightening and turning to face him. “You made me leave after you asked me to stay.”
Aaron winced and walked past him into the bedroom to set down his bag and take off his jacket. He walked back out.
“Reason two, you made me leave because of something you were scared to learn about yourself. Reason three, you said it was to keep me safe.” Spencer held up his hand to silence Aaron’s protest. “Reason four, you actually believe it was to keep me safe. You said you’d listen,” he said when Aaron tried to protest again.
“Can I get a drink and listen from the couch?” Aaron ventured.
Spencer raised an eyebrow at him. “If you pour me one too,” he said.
“What about eating dinner?” Aaron asked.
Spencer glared at him.
“Drinking hard alcohol on an empty stomach wouldn’t be good for me,” Aaron pointed out.
“Fine,” Spencer relented.
“Thank you,” Aaron said. He felt the daggers on his back as he rummaged through the fridge and pulled out plate of leftovers. “Do you want any?”
“I ate,” Spencer said.
Aaron put the plate in the microwave. “How was your day?”
“I spent it thinking of reasons I’m angry with you,” Spencer snapped. “How do you think it was?”
“Fair enough,” Aaron said. When the microwave beeped he pulled the plate out and leaned on the counter across from the other man and started eating. “Would it help if I offered to sleep on the couch tonight?”
Spencer looked surprised. “I…actually, yes, I would appreciate that.” He paused and then added in a softer voice, “Thank you, Aaron.”
David Rossi one, Aaron Hotchner zero, Aaron thought. Not like he was ever going to tell Rossi that. Still, it had softened the look on Spencer’s face considerably, and he was grateful. He ate in silence with Spencer watched and when he was finished he stalled by loading the dishwasher.
But eventually the number of things to clean ran out and Aaron had to go hunting in his liquor cabinet for the amaretto. He’d shoved it to the back when Spencer left, hated even the sight of that damn bottle, but now it was something to be carefully handled. He poured a drink for Spencer, a drink for himself, and then they both sat down on opposite ends of the couch.
“Reason five?” Aaron asked softly.
Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Reason five,” he said. “Having me move out was not enough. You had to publish a story about me moving out and you having an affair. Reason six, you lied to me.”
Aaron sat and listened quietly to every reason Spencer had to be angry with him. It was a long list. He felt a few of them were exaggerations (like the reason that he was the cause of Spencer accidentally swearing in front of Father James), but he wasn’t about to point that out right now. He sipped at his scotch and nodded frequently. And then Spencer said something that shocked him.
“The last reason,” Spencer said, his voice suddenly getting much quieter, “Is that you made me leave and that left you alone, right when you needed someone the most, and you didn’t take care of yourself. I love you, and you hurt yourself. I can’t even describe how much it hurts to see that you’re in pain, knowing that I could have helped if you’d just let me stay.”
Aaron’s breath caught. “Spencer…”
Spencer downed the rest of his drink and stood up, looking a little hazy. “And those are all my reasons,” he said.
Aaron rose and tried to help him, but Spencer pushed him off and went into the bedroom and closed the door.
Aaron stared at the door and then resigned himself to a night on the couch in the boxers he was wearing and a blanket from the hall closet.
---
Aaron was woken up in the middle of the night by a hand on his shoulder. He scowled first-it had taken him how long to get comfortable enough on the cushions that seemed to want to slide everywhere-then blinked open his eyes. “Spence?” he muttered, staring at the fuzzy dark shape in front of him. He blinked again.
“This is stupid,” Spencer said. “And I’m still glad you offered. But come to bed.”
Aaron sat up, rubbing his face.
“It’s like you said,” Spencer continued. “We should spend as much time with the people we care about as possible. You could get called out on a case tomorrow and get killed. So, come to bed.”
“Can I play that card whenever you’re mad at me?” Aaron asked. “I might go out on a case tomorrow and get killed?”
“You can try,” Spencer said. “I can’t guarantee it will always work.”
Aaron followed Spencer into the bed and curled up gratefully behind him. He wrapped his arm around Spencer’s waist and pulled him flush. Spencer covered Aaron’s hand with his own and linked their fingers.
“I missed this so much,” Spencer said.
“So did I,” Aaron said. He could feel sleep tugging at him and he sighed, settling into the pillow and relishing the feeling of a mattress and a warm body to share it with.
---
As luck would have it, Aaron did get called out on a case the following morning. He was gone for the next four days searching for a little girl who had gone missing, the second one in two weeks. The first one had wound up dead and they were determined to find this one before that happened.
Aaron was the one who found the basement door. He crept down the stairs with his gun and flashlight raised, as quietly as he could in case the unsub was down there with the girl, listening to them search his house. Aaron couldn’t see anyone in the basement so he lowered his gun slightly. There were still plenty of places for someone to hide. Keeping his back to the wall, he shone his light on every box.
A noise came out from behind one of them and Aaron snapped to attention. He walked over and pushed the box aside with his foot. A little girl with tangled hair and huge eyes stared up at him, clutching a blanket to her chest.
Aaron’s sigh of relief was audible. “Is he in here?” he asked the girl, moving his gun to the side. When she shook her head, Aaron holstered it. “I have her, in the basement,” he said into his radio. He knelt and picked the girl up and she wrapped her arms around his neck.
“We found him,” came Prentiss’s answer. “Morgan’s chasing.”
Aaron walked up the stairs. JJ was at the top waiting for him and she held her arms out. Aaron handed the girl over and saw JJ’s eyes well up with tears as she hugged the child and carried her out to the waiting ambulance. The frantic parents would be here soon.
Aaron heard shouting in the back and went out to see Morgan hauling the handcuffed man back by the scruff of his neck. Prentiss came up beside him to watch.
“If only they all ended like this, huh?” she asked.
Aaron could only nod and allow himself a faint smile. But they wouldn’t all end like this, which was why he needed to fix things with Spencer, as soon as possible.
---
When Aaron got home that night, he didn’t give Spencer a chance to speak. He took the younger man firmly by the shoulders and walked him backwards and kissed him deeply. “Tell me what I have to do,” he said. “Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it, I was an idiot and I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”
Spencer’s response was to pull him back into the kiss and lead him into the bedroom. Aaron climbed on top of him and started to undress and explore his lover’s upper body with a care that left Spencer breathless. And it seemed good, it seemed so good, until Aaron went to Spencer’s neck and started to kiss.
One moment he was focusing on Spencer’s pale skin, and the next Aaron felt a leg hook around his body and found himself on his back. The entire balance shifted and not long after that Spencer was shuddering inside of him and pulling out and Aaron was staring at the ceiling, panting, wondering what had just happened. Spencer pulled the covers up and curled up next to him.
Spencer changed after that. He and Aaron settled into the comfortable familiarity they had shared before Foyet and Aaron could at times trick himself into believing that everything between them was fine. But night after night, Spencer was the one who flipped Aaron onto his back or his stomach and pushed into him. If Aaron ever tried to touch Spencer’s neck or anywhere below his waist, Spencer stopped him immediately.
That was what had happened earlier that night, and now Aaron was sitting in the living room swirling scotch around in a glass and watching the way the moonlight reflected on the liquid as it moved. He couldn’t sleep and he’d carefully crawled out of bed and come out here to think.
Aaron wanted to be with Spencer, and he couldn’t say that he disliked being taken. Nor did he believe that their roles had to be fixed and that either of them “belonged” in one or the other. But…
But something wasn’t right. Spencer had always yielded to him, admitted more than once that he relished being held down and having Aaron inside him. So what was wrong?
Aaron frowned and gulped down some of the liquor. He knew exactly what was wrong. He just didn’t want to be facing it, because outside of the bedroom, everything felt right again, and he didn’t want to lose that again. But it needed to be addressed, sooner rather than later, before there was too much damage between them.
Spencer didn’t trust him, was scared to allow Aaron the same kind of possession he’d previously held. Aaron didn’t know how to fix it, but he had to try. The way they were now was never going to make them happy.
Frustrated and confused, Aaron turned his thoughts to Jack and Haley. He missed his son and he wondered if Jack missed him too. He wondered if Jack ever asked about him or Spencer. Aaron had no idea where Jack and Haley were, only the assurance of the marshal assigned to them that they were far out of Foyet’s reach. After it became clear that Foyet was lingering in Virginia to watch Aaron and Spencer, they had been moved out of the state, and that was all Aaron knew. Better that way, but it still hurt.
He finished his glass and made a face. Work tomorrow, paperwork day. Then home, and then providing there were no new cases, an evening and weekend with Spencer. When he could ask Spencer why he didn’t trust him.
Aaron winced. Bad question. He knew why Spencer didn’t trust him. He would ask what he needed to do to gain his trust back.
“Aaron?”
Aaron looked up, feeling guilty and not sure why.
“Are you okay?”
Aaron meant to say, Yeah, just couldn’t sleep, but instead what he heard coming out of his mouth was, “No, I’m not.”
Spencer came over and sat next to him on the couch. “Do I need to ask why?”
Do you? Aaron wondered. He looked at Spencer, then lifted his hand and tried to curl it around Spencer’s neck.
As soon as fingers touched skin, Spencer jerked away, raising his arm up defensively.
Aaron let his fingers hang in midair for another moment while he met Spencer’s eyes before letting his hand and his gaze fall back to his lap. “That’s why,” he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Spencer pull his legs up and hug his knees to his chest.
“I’m not angry anymore,” Spencer said. “There’s no point. It’s exhausting.”
“Have you forgiven me?”
The pause before the answer was answer enough. “No,” Spencer finally said.
Aaron nodded. “Why?”
“I don’t trust you,” Spencer said.
Aaron looked at him. “What can I do?”
Spencer shrugged, keeping his face lowered to his knees.
Silence fell over them. Aaron ached to reach out and pull Spencer to him and hold him and sooth his pain away. But he waited.
The minutes stretched on. Then Spencer uncurled and shifted and lay down with his head in Aaron’s lap. Aaron rested his hand on Spencer’s hair and pet, careful to avoid touching any part of his neck.
“You’re the person I want to go to when I’m scared,” Spencer said. “But it’s you I’m afraid of.”
Aaron gazed across the room, allowing his eyes to unfocus while he thought. “You were brave enough to tell me that,” he said.
“I want to be yours,” Spencer said. “But how do I know you won’t do something like this again?”
Aaron couldn’t quite stifle the bark of laughter. “Chances are I won’t get another psychopath like Foyet after me again,” he said.
“But if,” Spencer pressed.
“I thought I was doing the best thing,” Aaron said. “And now I know it wasn’t. If something like this ever happened again, I wouldn’t make the mistake of trying to hide you. I know you’re strong enough to face this with me.”
“You promise?”
“I swear.”
“And you know you were an idiot?”
“I know I was an idiot,” Aaron said. “You gave everything to help me and I didn’t do the same. I want to fix that now.”
“Okay,” Spencer whispered.
Aaron waited a few minutes for the rest of his thoughts to settle into words. “I learned my lesson,” he said. “We both know how well I did without you. I never want to go through that again.”
Spencer reached back and caught Aaron’s hand and squeezed. “I’m still scared,” he said.
“We’ll only do what you’re comfortable with. Whatever it takes for you to trust me again.”
Spencer turned his head to look up at Aaron. “Only what I’m comfortable with,” he said.
Aaron brushed his fingers down the side of Spencer’s face. “Of course.”
Spencer sat up and turned sideways on the couch. Aaron twisted to face him and Spencer took his face gently in his hands and pulled him into a kiss. He lay back and Aaron followed and they moved together until they were stretched out, Aaron on top of Spencer, pressing their lips together.
Aaron followed and mirrored Spencer’s moves and touches, never going anywhere or doing anything that the younger man didn’t do first. When Spencer’s hands started wandering up his shirt, Aaron sat up to let him pull it off. When he went to move his hands under Spencer’s, Spencer turned his head away. Aaron stopped, confused. His lover hadn’t minded that before.
“What is it?”
Spencer licked his lips briefly. “Here’s the thing,” he said. “And I should have told you this weeks ago. It’s that thing I said I still needed to talk to you about but never did.”
Aaron vaguely remembered that and nodded.
“I can’t forget you saying that you missed being with a woman,” Spencer said. “And I’m scared that you’ll be with me and you’ll realize that you don’t like being with men or that you’ll just be comparing me and I won’t be as good-”
Aaron cut him off by kissing him swiftly. “That won’t happen,” he said.
“But you were with a woman for most of your life!” Spencer protested. “You were never sexually attracted to men before me, how-”
Aaron kissed him again. “Before you,” he said. “I was never sexually attracted to men before you. But I wasn’t even sexually attracted to other women while I was with Haley.”
“Not even as a teenager?”
Aaron hesitated. “Well…”
“Come on, of course you were as a teenager.”
Aaron felt his face getting hot. “Yeah, but as a teenager I also thought about other guys,” he said. “I just tried to tell myself it didn’t mean anything and forget about it.”
Spencer’s eyes widened. “Really?”
“Really,” Aaron said. “But I didn’t think about it until I met you.” He tried again to touch Spencer and the other man squirmed uncomfortably.
“What if it was a phase and you really do only like women and you remember that as soon as you…” Spencer gestured with one hand. “…With me again?”
Aaron stared at him. “That isn’t going to happen,” he said.
“But how do you know?” Spencer asked, again turning his head away when Aaron tried to kiss him.
Aaron huffed. “I have to prove to you that I’m attracted to your body?”
Spencer hesitated, then nodded.
Aaron thought for a few moments. Seduce. He needed to seduce. He could do that. “Do you know what I’ve been wanting to do since you’ve been back?”
Spencer shook his head.
Aaron leaned in closer so he could brush his lips against Spencer’s ear. “Suck you off,” he said in the lowest purr he could manage. He felt and heard Spencer’s breath hitch. He also felt Spencer growing hard against his thigh.
“Really?” Spencer asked, his voice small.
“Really,” Aaron said. He met Spencer’s eyes and very slowly moved his hand down his lover’s body while he spoke, keeping his voice calm and even. “I’ve missed touching you, missed being able to stroke you until you’re hard before kissing you all over. I’ve missed licking you up and down and sucking on you and feeling your hands in my hair, hearing you gasp while you come in my mouth.” He continued to watch Spencer’s face. The younger man’s eyes fluttered shut and his head tilted back while listening. Aaron allowed himself a pleased smirk when Spencer licked his lips. “And if you’ll let me,” he continued in the same low voice, “I’ll do that right now, touch you and suck you until you can’t take it and you explode, because I love everything about your body and I want to worship every part of it.”
“Aaron,” Spencer whispered, his eyes closed, pushing his hips up.
Aaron’s hand had made it all the way down to Spencer’s groin without the other man noticing. He squeezed gently and stroked once through the fabric of the sweatpants. Spencer made a startled sound. “Please let me do this,” Aaron whispered back.
“Oh God,” Spencer managed. “But what if…”
Aaron took a chance and pressed his lips right under Spencer’s jaw and kissed. No sucking, no biting, not yet. He just licked and kissed the spot. “Do you remember how you would beg me?”
“Aaron…”
“And how good it felt?” Aaron continued, still moving his hand slowly over Spencer’s erection. “Don’t you want to feel that now?”
“I…”
Aaron scraped his teeth lightly over Spencer’s skin. “Let me do this for you, let me make up for everything I’ve done to you.” He lifted his head and looked into Spencer’s wide eyes before kissing him, pouring everything he had into that single kiss, trying to convey everything he loved about Spencer with one touch. He pulled away. “I’ve caused you so much pain, please let me do something good instead.” He kissed each corner of Spencer’s mouth. “You remember how good I could make you feel…”
Spencer’s hips pressed up into his hand and his hand came up to grip Aaron’s shoulder.
Aaron smiled. “Do you want me to?” He lifted his hand away.
The loss of Aaron’s touch caused Spencer to finally give in. “Please, yes,” he begged, and grabbed Aaron and pulled him into a desperate kiss while Aaron began rubbing him again. He slid his hand below the sweatpants and wrapped his fingers around Spencer’s hardened length and heard his lover gasp.
Aaron lowered into the kiss while he stroked, feeling Spencer’s heated flesh under his fingers for the first time in months and feeling gratitude and joy filling his chest. “Love you,” he murmured into the kiss before shifting his weight back and breaking the contact between their lips to move down Spencer’s body.
Aaron didn’t waste any time teasing. He tugged at the waistband of Spencer’s pants and Spencer lifted his hips up so Aaron could pull them down. When his legs were free, Spencer let one slide off the couch and lifted his other knee, leaving himself completely open. He shifted back so he could rest against the arm and watch.
Aaron settled himself between Spencer’s legs and took only a moment to admire the younger man before kissing the very tip and taking Spencer’s cock in hand. He began kissing and licking, moving up and down the entire length until he was certain he had paid due and equal attention to every inch of skin.
Spencer’s breath was coming in short gasps by that point. Aaron glanced up at him and saw his lover completely transfixed and moving his mouth silently. He pressed his face to Spencer’s cock and rubbed, careful to avoid the stubble on his jaw, closing his eyes to lose himself in the moment. Spencer’s fingers came to rest lightly against his cheek.
“Aaron,” Spencer said in a voice that was tight with arousal. “Oh…oh!”
Aaron brought Spencer’s cock between his lips and circled his tongue around the head before sucking further. Spencer’s fingers moved from his cheek to the top of his head. He dipped his head down and back up and was rewarded with a delicious moan.
“Yes,” Spencer breathed, his fingers tightening in Aaron’s hair. “Yes, like that…”
Aaron did like that and better. He drew the experience out, wanting to savor it for as long as possible and also wanting to prolong Spencer’s pleasure. If this was his chance to show his lover that he wanted him, he wasn’t going to blow it. Every trick he’d ever learned was played, every favorite spot he’d ever found was exploited, and every minute that ticked by brought more gasps and moans from Spencer.
Aaron ignored when his jaw started to ache and his hand began to feel cramped and focused on the way Spencer’s hips were beginning to lift off the couch. It was the sign he’d been waiting for and he sped up the rhythm of his hand and sucked and moments later, Spencer sobbed above him and shot into his mouth.
Aaron stilled and closed his eyes, breathing carefully through his nose between swallows. He loved every part of Spencer and he was going to prove it. He didn’t let go until Spencer’s body went limp. He lifted his head and wiped the back of his hand across his lips, looking up at his panting lover. He crawled back up and pressed his hand to the side of Spencer’s face.
At first, Spencer flinched and Aaron drew his hand back, his heart falling, but then Spencer looked at him and stilled. His eyes searched Aaron’s face and then he grabbed Aaron and pulled him down into a crushing embrace.
Aaron sighed with relief and hugged him back, wrapping his arms carefully around Spencer’s head and neck, pressing their cheeks together.
“Don’t ever leave me again,” Spencer whispered.
“Never,” Aaron swore.