(no subject)
Something is horribly wrong with me.
I want to deny it. I want to ignore it. I want to make it go away. I'm stuck in this repression. I'm stuck in this meaningless expression. No one understands, but I'm sure they do. Tell me what to do, to make it all go away. Tell me how to take care of myself, please. Tell me something I don't know- something meaningful.
I tell myself, I'm dealing with it. But I'm NOT. If I were, I'd be out there- I'd have a job, I'd have money, I'd be in school. I KNOW I can do it, but I won't. Tell me why I won't, but I already KNOW why I won't. Tell me how I can make myself.
I have such... beautiful friends, and I'm going to ruin it. I'm so IGNORANT. I'm so STUPID. I am, don't tell me otherwise. Tell me the facts. I need it. This doesn't feel RIGHT. It doesn't. I KNOW I'm doing wrong. Letting myself wallow in this self pity, and hating myself. I don't hate myself- but I do.
I'm such a waste of potential. I'm not being hard on myself. I need inspiration. I need motivation. I need... something. I need myself, to take care of me. It's been so long, living with this disease. This common disease, that everyone's infected with.
Most everyone's infected, and destroying themselves. I'm blinded by illusions and lies, and paranoia, and anxiety, and FEAR. I was mowing the lawn yesterday morning, and I thought... "The sun shines for me." It was so profound, and extremely peaceful. Then a pebble flew into my eye. Haha.
I was extremely scared... a rock, in my eye. I thought. It was there, and I ran to get my compact and... I looked at myself, with this rock in my eye- blurring my vision. It's this disease. This really happened. This is really happening. I picked the rock out of my eye, and it was just a pebble. Afraid, and in a bit of a shock... I stopped mowing the lawn, hastily put it back in the shed and went inside. Told my mom. She didn't seem to care THAT much. Said a few words about it, that's all. And I was still shaking, looking at my eye- hoping it wasn't scratched or badly hurt.
I could have went blind. It could have been a bigger rock. It was just a pebble, but it seemed extremely big for a pebble, to be in my eye. The pebble is like this disease, small, but big, and blurring my vision, disabling me from living normally- and hurting... so much at times.
It just exploded. And I don't feel any better.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the pathetic depressed child. I'm sick of being a child- but I don't know how to grow up. And I don't know how to pick the "pebble" out of my eye.
This is just momentarily. Of course... I'll be fine again. I'm always fine. I'll deal. Can't be content and mindless all the time. Can't be. Moderation is best- keeps reminding me of things I've forgotten. But I don't want to forget anymore.
I want to deny it. I want to ignore it. I want to make it go away. I'm stuck in this repression. I'm stuck in this meaningless expression. No one understands, but I'm sure they do. Tell me what to do, to make it all go away. Tell me how to take care of myself, please. Tell me something I don't know- something meaningful.
I tell myself, I'm dealing with it. But I'm NOT. If I were, I'd be out there- I'd have a job, I'd have money, I'd be in school. I KNOW I can do it, but I won't. Tell me why I won't, but I already KNOW why I won't. Tell me how I can make myself.
I have such... beautiful friends, and I'm going to ruin it. I'm so IGNORANT. I'm so STUPID. I am, don't tell me otherwise. Tell me the facts. I need it. This doesn't feel RIGHT. It doesn't. I KNOW I'm doing wrong. Letting myself wallow in this self pity, and hating myself. I don't hate myself- but I do.
I'm such a waste of potential. I'm not being hard on myself. I need inspiration. I need motivation. I need... something. I need myself, to take care of me. It's been so long, living with this disease. This common disease, that everyone's infected with.
Most everyone's infected, and destroying themselves. I'm blinded by illusions and lies, and paranoia, and anxiety, and FEAR. I was mowing the lawn yesterday morning, and I thought... "The sun shines for me." It was so profound, and extremely peaceful. Then a pebble flew into my eye. Haha.
I was extremely scared... a rock, in my eye. I thought. It was there, and I ran to get my compact and... I looked at myself, with this rock in my eye- blurring my vision. It's this disease. This really happened. This is really happening. I picked the rock out of my eye, and it was just a pebble. Afraid, and in a bit of a shock... I stopped mowing the lawn, hastily put it back in the shed and went inside. Told my mom. She didn't seem to care THAT much. Said a few words about it, that's all. And I was still shaking, looking at my eye- hoping it wasn't scratched or badly hurt.
I could have went blind. It could have been a bigger rock. It was just a pebble, but it seemed extremely big for a pebble, to be in my eye. The pebble is like this disease, small, but big, and blurring my vision, disabling me from living normally- and hurting... so much at times.
It just exploded. And I don't feel any better.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being the pathetic depressed child. I'm sick of being a child- but I don't know how to grow up. And I don't know how to pick the "pebble" out of my eye.
This is just momentarily. Of course... I'll be fine again. I'm always fine. I'll deal. Can't be content and mindless all the time. Can't be. Moderation is best- keeps reminding me of things I've forgotten. But I don't want to forget anymore.