(no subject)

Nov 16, 2004 18:53

im in a crappy mood i guess....i dunno....
i havent been sleeping very well lately, especially last night. my girlfriend's dog is here for a visit; trin *her dog*, java, bois_inside and i all in one bed....doesnt work out so well. ive gotta come up with some kind of sleeping arrangement for the dogs...cause well...yeah i think they slept better than we did lastnight.
everyone knows im a nanny....yesterday skyler *7 year old girl* was a complete brat...seriously made me want to quit, or beat her, or hell...both. today: yes, she was a fucking terror once again. if i was as bitchy, snotty, bratty, spoiled....and whatever as skyler is, when i was her age my mother would have kicked my ass. i think theres a huge problem with kids now, their parents dont spend enough time with them or beat them enough. seriously i feel like a stand-in housewife for the baker family. lol yeah a very gay one...but a housewife none-the-less.
i used to be a very confident person....confident in who i was and everything that i did. im not sure if i am anymore...or what...i get these surges of anger and frustration that just set me off and put me into bitch mode. when i get like that i do one of two things, either shut down and throw up the 'i dont give a fuck about anything wall' or i become some twisted version of a super needy femme....i dont care for either. i dunno....i wish my relationship were more secure....im confident in how i feel and all of that bullshit, and i know she loves me....just other people make me feel not good enough, i guess....i dunno....i think everything plays into it...but im just a little shaken right now. i dont feel good enough...or maybe not even that...i just feel like everyone else wishes that my girl were dating someone else. none of them really know me, aside from maybe her sister....and everyone thinks im bitchy and whatever....so yeah, makes it hard to hang out...or even want to for that matter. ive held grudges as far back as i can remember...once someone rubs me the wrong way, fucks me over, dislikes me for no real reason, or hurts someone i care about...theyre pretty much written off....why would i waste my time trying to win someone over that really has no personal value to me? ahhhhhh i guess sometimes you have to suck it up and shake hands with the enemy? or something lol i think if it were just more comfortable for me....like around my friends or my house or something.....not just me and all of them at once...i dunno....it all just feels so one sided or something. anyone have any advice?
so todays series of events has put me in a great mood...lol not sleeping well, bitchy crying kids, and yeah....just feeling like crap....gotta fix this before the gf comes home and my bad mood turns into fight of the fucking century. right...so im gonna go play with my dog and soak in the tub....always relaxes me.....too bad i dont really smoke anymore...a bowl would be good right about now...prolong my existance
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