Lonely as I could have been
this will be a short post. well, shorter.
really, right now... i am down. i got the blues. i'm bummin. i dont know why. well, i do. so many reasons, it's not even reasonable. questions of the future, music, Karen, my personality, my 'role' in people's lives, and just different variations of those.
what am i going to do with my life?
what am i going to do with music?
what am i going to do about Karen?
who am i?
what effect do i have?
what the fuck is going on in my head?
quite simply put, my head wont leave my head alone. and no one can do anything. no one, really, is attempting to do anything. i'm not expecting people to, but all i've got is "why are you so quiet?" or "are you alright?" but those were in response to my sleepiness, really. maybe i ruined the chance to have someone talk to me and try to make me feel better. i dont know.
i dont really care to explicate any of these too much. because 1)it just comes across as bitching, 2)i dont really get most of it, and 3)i dont really want to make anybody who may or may not have been involved feel bad.
but i will say that my weekend has sucked. i thought it was gonna be great. i was gonna see Karen and all the people i dont get to see on a regular basis. we were all gonna hang out and just have a good time together. me and Karen were gonna get something pierced today (she ended up being the only one to go through with it, got a nose piercing, looks great), and i was just gonna feel good about life in general.
but that didnt happen. i dont know what happened, but none of that happened. i was dead. inside and outside. it was fucking weird. and what fueled it was that no one really seemed to give two shits. it might have been because i sort of placed myself outside of everyone... there werent any real attempts to draw me in. Karen didnt opt for any time with me (totally reasonable, but it's still what i was hopefully looking forward to) and i was just left in my corner alone, staring off into space or pretending to sleep.
i dont know... like i said, it's all just so fucked up. right now, i feel like i have 2 friends. Tori and Dave. they are both talking to me about it. in different ways, but still... it helps.
with Tori, it's a conversation. a back-talking journal, if you will. my thoughts that i'm explicating on here are being morphed into a conversation and are being messed with in attempt to fix them.
with Dave, it's a sermon. i hear his words and try to apply it to my life. he speaks of situations that i can, one at least some level, relate to my exact situation at hand. and i think about what he is saying and either his outlook brightens my own, or just the fact that someone else has felt the same thing and been in the same spot and was able to put it into genuine and affectionate words... that just makes me feel better. it pushes me in the right direction. it changes my outlook... and it changes my goal. it helps mold what i am going to do in order to remedy this nameless problem.
how can someone help you figure out the remedy to the unknown problem? i dont know... but what he is doing right now is making me think "i need to do that in order to figure out who i am, which might define the problems or instantly eliminate them."
"You must go off with your same ol' spinning idea
Well I've done stuff
we'll make mistakes
but I don't need to pay for everyone of them for myself
do you think that you do
Hey, Sugar ain't poison
but sugar will kill you
Say 'too much of good thing
Maybe not so sweet'
What do you think about that?
Lonely as I could have been
Waiting to hear something from inside of you
But I heard nothing
So I went looking for myself
And I found a couple things for myself
Maybe not so wholesome
Still I was searching all by myself
I wonder if you knew
Hey, sugar ain't poison
but sugar will kill you
say 'too much of a good thing
maybe not so sweet'
what do you know about that?
Stumbling in, late at night
I must have lost track of time
At the bottom of the last bottle
I was swallowin'
Maybe not
But I was feeling
Good, good, good
I saw this
Found it all by myself
Came back, you was crazy
Whoa saw this for myself"
really, right now... i am down. i got the blues. i'm bummin. i dont know why. well, i do. so many reasons, it's not even reasonable. questions of the future, music, Karen, my personality, my 'role' in people's lives, and just different variations of those.
what am i going to do with my life?
what am i going to do with music?
what am i going to do about Karen?
who am i?
what effect do i have?
what the fuck is going on in my head?
quite simply put, my head wont leave my head alone. and no one can do anything. no one, really, is attempting to do anything. i'm not expecting people to, but all i've got is "why are you so quiet?" or "are you alright?" but those were in response to my sleepiness, really. maybe i ruined the chance to have someone talk to me and try to make me feel better. i dont know.
i dont really care to explicate any of these too much. because 1)it just comes across as bitching, 2)i dont really get most of it, and 3)i dont really want to make anybody who may or may not have been involved feel bad.
but i will say that my weekend has sucked. i thought it was gonna be great. i was gonna see Karen and all the people i dont get to see on a regular basis. we were all gonna hang out and just have a good time together. me and Karen were gonna get something pierced today (she ended up being the only one to go through with it, got a nose piercing, looks great), and i was just gonna feel good about life in general.
but that didnt happen. i dont know what happened, but none of that happened. i was dead. inside and outside. it was fucking weird. and what fueled it was that no one really seemed to give two shits. it might have been because i sort of placed myself outside of everyone... there werent any real attempts to draw me in. Karen didnt opt for any time with me (totally reasonable, but it's still what i was hopefully looking forward to) and i was just left in my corner alone, staring off into space or pretending to sleep.
i dont know... like i said, it's all just so fucked up. right now, i feel like i have 2 friends. Tori and Dave. they are both talking to me about it. in different ways, but still... it helps.
with Tori, it's a conversation. a back-talking journal, if you will. my thoughts that i'm explicating on here are being morphed into a conversation and are being messed with in attempt to fix them.
with Dave, it's a sermon. i hear his words and try to apply it to my life. he speaks of situations that i can, one at least some level, relate to my exact situation at hand. and i think about what he is saying and either his outlook brightens my own, or just the fact that someone else has felt the same thing and been in the same spot and was able to put it into genuine and affectionate words... that just makes me feel better. it pushes me in the right direction. it changes my outlook... and it changes my goal. it helps mold what i am going to do in order to remedy this nameless problem.
how can someone help you figure out the remedy to the unknown problem? i dont know... but what he is doing right now is making me think "i need to do that in order to figure out who i am, which might define the problems or instantly eliminate them."
"You must go off with your same ol' spinning idea
Well I've done stuff
we'll make mistakes
but I don't need to pay for everyone of them for myself
do you think that you do
Hey, Sugar ain't poison
but sugar will kill you
Say 'too much of good thing
Maybe not so sweet'
What do you think about that?
Lonely as I could have been
Waiting to hear something from inside of you
But I heard nothing
So I went looking for myself
And I found a couple things for myself
Maybe not so wholesome
Still I was searching all by myself
I wonder if you knew
Hey, sugar ain't poison
but sugar will kill you
say 'too much of a good thing
maybe not so sweet'
what do you know about that?
Stumbling in, late at night
I must have lost track of time
At the bottom of the last bottle
I was swallowin'
Maybe not
But I was feeling
Good, good, good
I saw this
Found it all by myself
Came back, you was crazy
Whoa saw this for myself"