(no subject)
This office is depressing. Like, seriously, really fucking depressing. Journalists aren't really the most fun people to be around - hi! every single newsroom ever - but this is beyond my comprehension. People are packing up and getting ready to leave, and in about a week, nearly 40 percent of the staff will no longer work here. I, however, will still be here. I would be remiss to not mention that there is some animosity toward me. Not a lot, but there is some. I think some people don't like interns to begin with, and a situation like this doesn't really help.
Part of my problem is that I am quick to develop attachments - or at least pretend that I am quick to do so - so I kind of feel like everyone is leaving me, when a.) I know they're not and b.) we won't fucking remember each other in five months anyway. It's just really frustrating to be in a two consecutive situations wherein you develop semi-close relationships with people and then they are just gone. It's not really the most fun in the world.
Also, Allison and Edgar are moving to Chicago - or somewhere close to there, who knows - and there was some conversation regarding me seeing her before she leaves. Something to the point of calling her when I am in Orlando so that we can meet up.
First, I am extremely happy that she said that. I really am. I don't think of it as some grand gesture or anything, but it is slightly touching to know that after all this time of relative ambivalence, there is at the very least some inkling of friendship still left. Or something like that; I don't know.
But when I called Monday, when I was in Orlando, she did not answer. That is not surprising; there are about seven people who will answer my phone calls on a regular basis. However, to just not respond at all, even days later, really bothers me. One, it's just fucking rude. My mother used to say that we can most easily recognize the faults of others that are present in ourselves. That is partly the case here, as I am somewhat bad about staying in contact with people. But I think I can still feel OK about being upset about it. I don't require that people are nice to me, but at least be fucking decent. That's fine. I have gotten past the point in my life where I expect anything from anyone but the base level.
This is all hitting me not because this is relatively big deal. I know that things have progressed well for her. I'm not saying that things could be any way other than the way they are right now - that whole God thing is a bit of a fucking tipping point (that is used wrong, probably) - but there will always be part of me that really yearns for her. Whether that is because of the whole "wanting what you can't have" thing or because there is actual desire there, I'm not sure. I am not nearly self-aware enough to make that distinction. But what I do know is that there is a part of me that is fucking sad to see her go, because that means it's over. Not in a relationship sense, all aspects of that ended in February three years ago, but in a sort of acquaintance sense. She will move to Chicago - or wherever - with Edgar, and they will end up married and they will have their fucking gorgeous mixed-race babies, and they will end up going to church every Sunday, and 17 years from now, they will be settled down somewhere living their extremely satisfying, God-filled, Lord-serving lives as they get their kids ready for school. And really, that's fine, although I will say that I sound more than a little creepy right now. But really, what it all means, in a Padrick-centric way, is that it's done. Because there is no place for me in that existence, that's probably for the best. I don't think I know - right now - how to be around her and not want to kiss her. That is not important, because I don't think it matters. It doesn't have any meaning anymore, it's just me being stubborn.
But what does matter is that when she is gone, she is gone. That is depressing for me. And despite that she reached out first, her more recent actions, I think, are more indicative of the true feelings. Gone are the days when we held any sort of import with each other. It just bothers me that, combined with the whole internship scenario, people are leaving my life with no reason.
That's happened for a good deal of my life, but I've never been more aware of it than now.
Also, Brett Favre was traded, which means that my day tomorrow, or later today, will be filled with ready a shit-ton of copy about him.
I am fucking pumped.
/sarcasm.
Part of my problem is that I am quick to develop attachments - or at least pretend that I am quick to do so - so I kind of feel like everyone is leaving me, when a.) I know they're not and b.) we won't fucking remember each other in five months anyway. It's just really frustrating to be in a two consecutive situations wherein you develop semi-close relationships with people and then they are just gone. It's not really the most fun in the world.
Also, Allison and Edgar are moving to Chicago - or somewhere close to there, who knows - and there was some conversation regarding me seeing her before she leaves. Something to the point of calling her when I am in Orlando so that we can meet up.
First, I am extremely happy that she said that. I really am. I don't think of it as some grand gesture or anything, but it is slightly touching to know that after all this time of relative ambivalence, there is at the very least some inkling of friendship still left. Or something like that; I don't know.
But when I called Monday, when I was in Orlando, she did not answer. That is not surprising; there are about seven people who will answer my phone calls on a regular basis. However, to just not respond at all, even days later, really bothers me. One, it's just fucking rude. My mother used to say that we can most easily recognize the faults of others that are present in ourselves. That is partly the case here, as I am somewhat bad about staying in contact with people. But I think I can still feel OK about being upset about it. I don't require that people are nice to me, but at least be fucking decent. That's fine. I have gotten past the point in my life where I expect anything from anyone but the base level.
This is all hitting me not because this is relatively big deal. I know that things have progressed well for her. I'm not saying that things could be any way other than the way they are right now - that whole God thing is a bit of a fucking tipping point (that is used wrong, probably) - but there will always be part of me that really yearns for her. Whether that is because of the whole "wanting what you can't have" thing or because there is actual desire there, I'm not sure. I am not nearly self-aware enough to make that distinction. But what I do know is that there is a part of me that is fucking sad to see her go, because that means it's over. Not in a relationship sense, all aspects of that ended in February three years ago, but in a sort of acquaintance sense. She will move to Chicago - or wherever - with Edgar, and they will end up married and they will have their fucking gorgeous mixed-race babies, and they will end up going to church every Sunday, and 17 years from now, they will be settled down somewhere living their extremely satisfying, God-filled, Lord-serving lives as they get their kids ready for school. And really, that's fine, although I will say that I sound more than a little creepy right now. But really, what it all means, in a Padrick-centric way, is that it's done. Because there is no place for me in that existence, that's probably for the best. I don't think I know - right now - how to be around her and not want to kiss her. That is not important, because I don't think it matters. It doesn't have any meaning anymore, it's just me being stubborn.
But what does matter is that when she is gone, she is gone. That is depressing for me. And despite that she reached out first, her more recent actions, I think, are more indicative of the true feelings. Gone are the days when we held any sort of import with each other. It just bothers me that, combined with the whole internship scenario, people are leaving my life with no reason.
That's happened for a good deal of my life, but I've never been more aware of it than now.
Also, Brett Favre was traded, which means that my day tomorrow, or later today, will be filled with ready a shit-ton of copy about him.
I am fucking pumped.
/sarcasm.