(no subject)
I am glad I got to hang out with John for a decent period of time the other day. It was wicked fun, and lost was all right.
I am really tired. The office is always boring, but especially at night or early morning.
I am hving fn typing this with my eyes closed.
Apparently some vowel buttons are not working. Annoying.
I have been working intermittently on this conference recap. It is coming slowly, but it should really approach 4500 words when finished. What sucks is that I am only hovering around 1800 or so right now, which is probably decent considering the amount of real time that I put into it.
I have consumed enough Mountain Dew today to permanently alter my digestive system.
My sister is back in town for spring break, which is nice. i got to see her for a bit the other day, before she went to go spend time with her deadbeat boyfriend. Mother is renovating the house big time while she recovers from her surgeries, which are hella expensive.
Almost got a DUI the yesterday, but didn't because I had not been drinking. Needless to say that i will avoid driving at night until the headlight is fixed, which needs to be soon so my license does not get suspended. Although I read in the Sentinel today that the six clerks of court that oversee traffic violations have been let go due to the whole budget crisis we have going on, which means that judges would be seeing every traffic court case, and they simply don't have the time, so they will throw most of them out. I could be misinterpreting it, though. I also don't really care.
I guess there are several things that could be potentially noteworthy, but right now I either can't think of them or really just don't want to get into a long, drawn-out and contrived paragraph about it.
While trying to put air in my tires at a 7-Eleven recently, I saw someone almost die because of a heroin overdose. I called 9-1-1 and all that jazz, and I spoke with the police and medical professionals. It was a harrowing experience to say the least. I tell you what, the human body makes some really odd sounds when it flails and slams into shits. Like that dry thud of skull on pavement, or the slap of taught flesh against cement. Plus she was all cut up and lined with fresh track marks. I really hope that my friends don't use heroin, and if they do, that they call me if they need to get to the hospital or something. I really wouldn't want to see them out in the street like that. Funny aside: In the middle of her unintelligible ramblings, she mentioned that she had been sober for a while and that she had just recently relapsed, and that she ended up at the gas station because her friends drove up in their truck and then kicked her out and drove off. I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.
With all the down time my mother has and considering that this is spring break and I have slightly less shit to do for the paper and class, we have been getting into some rather decent conversations, through which there have been things brought to my attention. Whether this is the appropriate forum for further examination, well I'm not sure I really know.
I guess my sister, the one of my mother's loins not the one I have neglected to call in months, holds a lot of deep-seeded emotional trauma(flattire!) from our childhood, specifically the treatment I received from my stepfather, her father. Part of me feels responsible for this simply because I cannot recall most of it. I know I decided to move, but with a gun to my head, I'm not sure I could come up with adequate reasons for why I did it. I think there had to have been other factors in my decision, and I was really immature back then anyway. I probably should have realized that the decision did not just affect me, and that without me there, she really bore the brunt of his anger and hatred, which is disappointing. I think that deep down, he never really considered me a son - and that's fine, considering that I'm not quite sure I ever warmed to him being a father - but where does the responsibility of being the eldest end? I am sure as shit not equipped to answer that.
All of what happened, which again I am pretty hazy on anyway, I think really plays into my attachment issues. When my mother and I were talking, I mentioned how I am consistently attracted to people that will leave/abandon. Normally I try to stray away from rampant self-pity, but I guess this was an exception. She brought that it probably wasn't true and that it had more to do with sabotaging things by myself. She is right, of course, as most any girl in the past seven years can attest. I mean, there has to be a reason why I butchered nearly a year-and-a-half friendship by professing undying love in a situation that didn't warrant it. It gives me someone else to direct my disappointment toward. I think there are bits and pieces of that going on with Nicole now, simply because my entire mindset is one of: "Dude this is so going to work out, despite the near-zero interest that has been presented." Now my loneliness is the product of someone else.
Although, to be fair, I really think that the whole thing with Allison really started to unravel not just because I came between her and her Ultimate Power, but, to some extent, because of what I perceived as abandonment the day and night that our apartment burned down. Near the end of the day, when we were in our new apartment with the quirky/creepy roommates, she decided to go home instead of coming over. I probably should just let people know when things are important to me. A whole lot less confusion might be the result.
Also, and this is not that big of a deal simply because I am pretty sure that I have alienated most everyone that connects us, but I guess that Allison got accepted to the Chicago Theological Seminary (?). I guess the funny part is that it was the one seminary I looked at back in high school when I was going through my whole "God" phase. I am not really upset that she is going, nor should I be, really, because I have since lost all rights to have any influence on her decision-making, which is fine by me. But this really is just that one large step closer to the precipice of the cliff from which you can't return. Is it the worst thing in the world to an unflinching belief in God and Jesus and the faiths of the world? Probably not, but it really solidifies the fissure that was created between us. Aside: Can a fissure be solid? I'm guessing not. I am neither looking it up nor changing it.
That said, it will still tug at my heartstrings a smidgeon when she, and presumably Edgar, head up to Chicago to begin the rest of their lives, but I guess that is to be expected. At least it's not backpacking through Italy with the water polo player.
I need to get stuff ready for the wedding and for the internship, both of which have me freaked out.
I think that is enough for the internet blogging for one night. Hurrah!
I am really tired. The office is always boring, but especially at night or early morning.
I am hving fn typing this with my eyes closed.
Apparently some vowel buttons are not working. Annoying.
I have been working intermittently on this conference recap. It is coming slowly, but it should really approach 4500 words when finished. What sucks is that I am only hovering around 1800 or so right now, which is probably decent considering the amount of real time that I put into it.
I have consumed enough Mountain Dew today to permanently alter my digestive system.
My sister is back in town for spring break, which is nice. i got to see her for a bit the other day, before she went to go spend time with her deadbeat boyfriend. Mother is renovating the house big time while she recovers from her surgeries, which are hella expensive.
Almost got a DUI the yesterday, but didn't because I had not been drinking. Needless to say that i will avoid driving at night until the headlight is fixed, which needs to be soon so my license does not get suspended. Although I read in the Sentinel today that the six clerks of court that oversee traffic violations have been let go due to the whole budget crisis we have going on, which means that judges would be seeing every traffic court case, and they simply don't have the time, so they will throw most of them out. I could be misinterpreting it, though. I also don't really care.
I guess there are several things that could be potentially noteworthy, but right now I either can't think of them or really just don't want to get into a long, drawn-out and contrived paragraph about it.
While trying to put air in my tires at a 7-Eleven recently, I saw someone almost die because of a heroin overdose. I called 9-1-1 and all that jazz, and I spoke with the police and medical professionals. It was a harrowing experience to say the least. I tell you what, the human body makes some really odd sounds when it flails and slams into shits. Like that dry thud of skull on pavement, or the slap of taught flesh against cement. Plus she was all cut up and lined with fresh track marks. I really hope that my friends don't use heroin, and if they do, that they call me if they need to get to the hospital or something. I really wouldn't want to see them out in the street like that. Funny aside: In the middle of her unintelligible ramblings, she mentioned that she had been sober for a while and that she had just recently relapsed, and that she ended up at the gas station because her friends drove up in their truck and then kicked her out and drove off. I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.
With all the down time my mother has and considering that this is spring break and I have slightly less shit to do for the paper and class, we have been getting into some rather decent conversations, through which there have been things brought to my attention. Whether this is the appropriate forum for further examination, well I'm not sure I really know.
I guess my sister, the one of my mother's loins not the one I have neglected to call in months, holds a lot of deep-seeded emotional trauma(flattire!) from our childhood, specifically the treatment I received from my stepfather, her father. Part of me feels responsible for this simply because I cannot recall most of it. I know I decided to move, but with a gun to my head, I'm not sure I could come up with adequate reasons for why I did it. I think there had to have been other factors in my decision, and I was really immature back then anyway. I probably should have realized that the decision did not just affect me, and that without me there, she really bore the brunt of his anger and hatred, which is disappointing. I think that deep down, he never really considered me a son - and that's fine, considering that I'm not quite sure I ever warmed to him being a father - but where does the responsibility of being the eldest end? I am sure as shit not equipped to answer that.
All of what happened, which again I am pretty hazy on anyway, I think really plays into my attachment issues. When my mother and I were talking, I mentioned how I am consistently attracted to people that will leave/abandon. Normally I try to stray away from rampant self-pity, but I guess this was an exception. She brought that it probably wasn't true and that it had more to do with sabotaging things by myself. She is right, of course, as most any girl in the past seven years can attest. I mean, there has to be a reason why I butchered nearly a year-and-a-half friendship by professing undying love in a situation that didn't warrant it. It gives me someone else to direct my disappointment toward. I think there are bits and pieces of that going on with Nicole now, simply because my entire mindset is one of: "Dude this is so going to work out, despite the near-zero interest that has been presented." Now my loneliness is the product of someone else.
Although, to be fair, I really think that the whole thing with Allison really started to unravel not just because I came between her and her Ultimate Power, but, to some extent, because of what I perceived as abandonment the day and night that our apartment burned down. Near the end of the day, when we were in our new apartment with the quirky/creepy roommates, she decided to go home instead of coming over. I probably should just let people know when things are important to me. A whole lot less confusion might be the result.
Also, and this is not that big of a deal simply because I am pretty sure that I have alienated most everyone that connects us, but I guess that Allison got accepted to the Chicago Theological Seminary (?). I guess the funny part is that it was the one seminary I looked at back in high school when I was going through my whole "God" phase. I am not really upset that she is going, nor should I be, really, because I have since lost all rights to have any influence on her decision-making, which is fine by me. But this really is just that one large step closer to the precipice of the cliff from which you can't return. Is it the worst thing in the world to an unflinching belief in God and Jesus and the faiths of the world? Probably not, but it really solidifies the fissure that was created between us. Aside: Can a fissure be solid? I'm guessing not. I am neither looking it up nor changing it.
That said, it will still tug at my heartstrings a smidgeon when she, and presumably Edgar, head up to Chicago to begin the rest of their lives, but I guess that is to be expected. At least it's not backpacking through Italy with the water polo player.
I need to get stuff ready for the wedding and for the internship, both of which have me freaked out.
I think that is enough for the internet blogging for one night. Hurrah!