On The Subject Of Making Oneself Dissapear
I see all this happiness around me. it radiates into the air. I am so grateful that i am empathic, i think it's the only thing that saves me some days. my knowledge that all i have to do is stand next to a happy person and i am ok. Empathy is both my savior and my destructor.
Suicide: I was seriously contemplating it today. the Whole "The World would be better off without me" speal. i promised a dear friend that i wouldnt do anything to myself...but i didnt care. my parents have given up on me. they dont think ill amount to any thing. all they can see is that im a failure...i sound like some average teenager with ridiculous problems. oh well. maybe i am some average teenager with ridiculous problems. what causes one to sontemplae making themselves dissapear off the face of the earth? i sometimes wonder how concerned people other than my sister would be if i just wandered away... i have this overwhelming feeling that no one would truly care. they would think that i just wanderd away to be some homel;ess bum and not even care... and as i thought about that, i also wondered, who other than my family would end up going to my funeral if i died. would anyone be shocked if i died? would anyone care? would anyone have their lives disrupted, even for the shortest of times?.
why do i sound like such a loser, such a fucking Sterotype of the depressed guy? why am i pointlessly overwhelmed by emotion, or lack thereof, whichever the case may be at the time?... i wish i could see what others see. i wish i could have a different life.
Murder: i wonder if i would feel any remorse after i killed someone. i sometimes think that if i were to kill someone complete ly random, with no ties to myself, no motive. i could get away with it....why in the hell do i think these things? no one knows..
should i tell my mother to get me an appoint ment with a shrink? should i tell someone all of these thoughts that have been running through my head? what ive done to my self? what emotions have been racking my brain? should i tell him these things so he can take a little perscription pad and write out a perscripton for zoloft? or Prozac? so he can say im depressed? or bi-polar? or just FUCKING NUTS? what the hell maybe with my luck, he'll just stick me in an institution for a 72 hour watch period. i would'nt be surprised.. not like anyone would come to visit.
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Suicide: I was seriously contemplating it today. the Whole "The World would be better off without me" speal. i promised a dear friend that i wouldnt do anything to myself...but i didnt care. my parents have given up on me. they dont think ill amount to any thing. all they can see is that im a failure...i sound like some average teenager with ridiculous problems. oh well. maybe i am some average teenager with ridiculous problems. what causes one to sontemplae making themselves dissapear off the face of the earth? i sometimes wonder how concerned people other than my sister would be if i just wandered away... i have this overwhelming feeling that no one would truly care. they would think that i just wanderd away to be some homel;ess bum and not even care... and as i thought about that, i also wondered, who other than my family would end up going to my funeral if i died. would anyone be shocked if i died? would anyone care? would anyone have their lives disrupted, even for the shortest of times?.
why do i sound like such a loser, such a fucking Sterotype of the depressed guy? why am i pointlessly overwhelmed by emotion, or lack thereof, whichever the case may be at the time?... i wish i could see what others see. i wish i could have a different life.
Murder: i wonder if i would feel any remorse after i killed someone. i sometimes think that if i were to kill someone complete ly random, with no ties to myself, no motive. i could get away with it....why in the hell do i think these things? no one knows..
should i tell my mother to get me an appoint ment with a shrink? should i tell someone all of these thoughts that have been running through my head? what ive done to my self? what emotions have been racking my brain? should i tell him these things so he can take a little perscription pad and write out a perscripton for zoloft? or Prozac? so he can say im depressed? or bi-polar? or just FUCKING NUTS? what the hell maybe with my luck, he'll just stick me in an institution for a 72 hour watch period. i would'nt be surprised.. not like anyone would come to visit.
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