Somewhat of a recap of sorts
I'm going to ramble A LOT here. About the past week? and other things in general. Feel free to skip this if you guys want to. after this, I'm going to try and type up the year end meme thing. Maybe typing shit out will get rid of this headache I have going.
I realize my posts have either been whiny or fandomy more often than not. I have trouble actually talking about my days because they are either A)boring as fuck or B)depressing. I've had this issue for ages where if I have nothing happy to post I feel like I shouldn't and guilt tackles me when I do. Which leads to fandomy posts(because those make me happy) or long convoluted posts like this one.
I feel like I have to get this out here. I'm not happy and I don't know how to change that. And this isn't just my period talking for my emotions. Since my last local friends have kinda/mostly fallen off of the face of the planet(they were pretty much missing most of last year) I don't go out much. I sit in front of my computer and fall into fic or writing or talking to you guys. When I do venture outside I worry about my car(if it'll breakdown or if I'll be in a wreck), if my parents are okay at home(pretty much every day I think about if something happened to them and well, this isn't new because I've dealt with that particular fear/worry for ages...but it's been getting worse), if I'll get lost or hurt. ANY MYRIAD OF SMALL THINGS.
Everything is very negative and I end up talking myself out of leaving the house nine times out of ten. If I do leave the house and it's not for work, it's because I'm hitching a ride with dad. It's almost like I don't want to go off on my own and it's frustrating because I do like to be independent, but it's as if I have no control on it anymore.
Feelings of not mattering creep in and I start acting like I have to overcompensate. I HAVE TO BE NEEDED SOMEHOW!!!!! It's very exhausting.
It doesn't help that I hide from all of this by writing and since middle of this month I haven't written a thing. I'm sure I'm aggravating Gala because I won't write on our co-brbb. It'snot that I don't want to. I'm just my own worst enemy right now.
Work isn't helping matters. I feel so much like I've been shoved into a corner and told I WORK and am supposed to do that and not be human....not feel...
Christmas weekend was HELL(workwise)...Friday we were open until midnight and I closed and then I couldn't sleep when I got home. Eve we did 6.6k and for a store like ours with the crew we don't boast that's BUSY AS FUCK.
I came home and we had our christmas which I adored and laughed and smiled and was once again spoiled. But I want to mention something small that probably really doesn't matter.
I was rinsing out my dinner glass so it wouldn't get sticky and it broke when the lip clinked against the faucet of the sink. This wouldn't be a problem, except it was my favorite glass( one of those Star-Trek glass from 09 when the new movie came out) andnot only did the glass break it was a clean cut...severed Kirk's head from the glass perfected.
I cried and my sister paused and looked at me and seriously asked. "Are you crying?" And I couldn't help it...it just felt like the last straw to so many things. Insult to injury.
Sunday I was supposed to go to Nashville with my family, but of course LIKE THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN....I worked instead and wanted to hurt someone, yell, cry, or a combo of all of the above. We were busier than any other Sunday I've ever worked and even with two cashiers with me it was like I could do nothing without being asked thousands of questions by customers(many I wanted to just glare at but couldn't). Then at five the ad kicked in and suddenly all the store brand shit was ringing up free(we had an hour left so already we were all stressed liek whoa) and I call the manager and she's all *shrugs* you can handle it and very not impressed by how much we had done as of that moment. I wanted to hit my head on the desk repeatedly, HARD.
I was off Monday, went to see two movies and that helped a tiny fraction(Sherlock Holmes was good TinTin not so much) but it wasn't enough time to recoop and I was back to work Tuesday and Today's the first day I've been off since.
I feel wrung out and almost empty. Like I could just not do anything and be happy, but I have to write....I HAVE TO
and just
*throws up hands*...I don't know how much more I can take without wanting to just go catatonic. For the new year at work the budget has been more than doubled while our hours were cut...there's no way we'll stay afloat without more stress and I'm already breaking.
so yeah I'm going to sit here and try not to cry in frustration because I'm just soooooooo tiredddddd as fuck.
I realize my posts have either been whiny or fandomy more often than not. I have trouble actually talking about my days because they are either A)boring as fuck or B)depressing. I've had this issue for ages where if I have nothing happy to post I feel like I shouldn't and guilt tackles me when I do. Which leads to fandomy posts(because those make me happy) or long convoluted posts like this one.
I feel like I have to get this out here. I'm not happy and I don't know how to change that. And this isn't just my period talking for my emotions. Since my last local friends have kinda/mostly fallen off of the face of the planet(they were pretty much missing most of last year) I don't go out much. I sit in front of my computer and fall into fic or writing or talking to you guys. When I do venture outside I worry about my car(if it'll breakdown or if I'll be in a wreck), if my parents are okay at home(pretty much every day I think about if something happened to them and well, this isn't new because I've dealt with that particular fear/worry for ages...but it's been getting worse), if I'll get lost or hurt. ANY MYRIAD OF SMALL THINGS.
Everything is very negative and I end up talking myself out of leaving the house nine times out of ten. If I do leave the house and it's not for work, it's because I'm hitching a ride with dad. It's almost like I don't want to go off on my own and it's frustrating because I do like to be independent, but it's as if I have no control on it anymore.
Feelings of not mattering creep in and I start acting like I have to overcompensate. I HAVE TO BE NEEDED SOMEHOW!!!!! It's very exhausting.
It doesn't help that I hide from all of this by writing and since middle of this month I haven't written a thing. I'm sure I'm aggravating Gala because I won't write on our co-brbb. It'snot that I don't want to. I'm just my own worst enemy right now.
Work isn't helping matters. I feel so much like I've been shoved into a corner and told I WORK and am supposed to do that and not be human....not feel...
Christmas weekend was HELL(workwise)...Friday we were open until midnight and I closed and then I couldn't sleep when I got home. Eve we did 6.6k and for a store like ours with the crew we don't boast that's BUSY AS FUCK.
I came home and we had our christmas which I adored and laughed and smiled and was once again spoiled. But I want to mention something small that probably really doesn't matter.
I was rinsing out my dinner glass so it wouldn't get sticky and it broke when the lip clinked against the faucet of the sink. This wouldn't be a problem, except it was my favorite glass( one of those Star-Trek glass from 09 when the new movie came out) andnot only did the glass break it was a clean cut...severed Kirk's head from the glass perfected.
I cried and my sister paused and looked at me and seriously asked. "Are you crying?" And I couldn't help it...it just felt like the last straw to so many things. Insult to injury.
Sunday I was supposed to go to Nashville with my family, but of course LIKE THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN....I worked instead and wanted to hurt someone, yell, cry, or a combo of all of the above. We were busier than any other Sunday I've ever worked and even with two cashiers with me it was like I could do nothing without being asked thousands of questions by customers(many I wanted to just glare at but couldn't). Then at five the ad kicked in and suddenly all the store brand shit was ringing up free(we had an hour left so already we were all stressed liek whoa) and I call the manager and she's all *shrugs* you can handle it and very not impressed by how much we had done as of that moment. I wanted to hit my head on the desk repeatedly, HARD.
I was off Monday, went to see two movies and that helped a tiny fraction(Sherlock Holmes was good TinTin not so much) but it wasn't enough time to recoop and I was back to work Tuesday and Today's the first day I've been off since.
I feel wrung out and almost empty. Like I could just not do anything and be happy, but I have to write....I HAVE TO
and just
*throws up hands*...I don't know how much more I can take without wanting to just go catatonic. For the new year at work the budget has been more than doubled while our hours were cut...there's no way we'll stay afloat without more stress and I'm already breaking.
so yeah I'm going to sit here and try not to cry in frustration because I'm just soooooooo tiredddddd as fuck.