Fan Fiction
[mood|
accomplished]
Fandom: Coupling
Title: Susanella
Beta: Not betaed. Sorry for all errors.
Rating: 12
Paring: Steve/Susan
Spoilers/Set: Season 2 after ‘my dinner in hell’ no major spoilers
Summary: Let me be your fantasy
A/N: Writing the boys conversation is so much easier than the girls, so the girls conversation is kind of just a linking thing for the end part, which was the first thing of this story that I thought of and wrote down. Also I haven’t seen a number of the films mentioned, so I’m going on from what I know about them from Coupling itself, what I’ve heard on some documentaries and websites. So I apologise if something is incorrect. And once again I’d really love to know what people think. =)
“Ok so there we are on the couch. Susan is leaning against me and we’ve just finished watching Spooks with Jenny Agutter.”
All three men stopped in the street to take a moment to relieve the experience of Walkabout before they carried onto the pub and Steve continued with his story.
“Now at this point me and Susan are quite lethargic and we don’t really care wants on next. However our curiosity is perked when the next show on the BBC is some documentary looking at the attitudes to sex and fantasies.”
“Excellent.” Chipped in Jeff.
“Now I’m thinking this is a little weird. I mean I don’t remember either me or Susan picking up the remote and tuning into channel four, cause lets face it, soft porn disguised as a documentary is channel fours thing.”
“Wait.” Interrupted Jeff. “Then what are channel five documentaries.”
“Hard core, freak show porn.” Stated Patrick as a matter of fact. As the boys headed down the steps to the bar.
“Really.” Said Jeff smiling manically. “I think I’ve found my niche.”
Patrick and Steve shared a worried glance between themselves as they headed to the bar to order there drinks before Steve once again continued with the story.
“Anyway I’m thinking, do I pick up the remote and change the channel? Because I know this programme could start a conversation that I don’t want to go into. Like the whole ‘going solo’ conversation.” He winced at the memory. “But then I start to think that if I do switch to a different channel then am I going to be admitting some kind of guilt and besides…” The boys picked up there drinks and headed to there usual sitting ground. “…it’s a show about sex, if I turn over I might miss something.” Steve paused. “Enlightening.”
The three guys sat down all taking a refreshing sip of their pints.
“But Susan’s there.” Jeff said questioningly.
“Exactly. So if she turns the television over then it’s just turning the television over.”
“So did she turn it over?” Asked Patrick.
Steve took in a slow breath threw his nose. “No.” And took a sip of his pint.
Both Jeff and Patrick nodded slowly as they fully processed the information Steve had given them.
“Right.” Said Jeff. “So there you are, with Susan, and you have the potential for an uncomfortable conversation to emerge and you can’t turn the television over because if you did it, it would look like some admission of guilt.”
“Yep.”
“But if Susan turned the television over it would just be turning the television over.”
“Exactly.”
“But she didn’t turn the television over.”
“No.”
“So what was the first uncomfortable thing to come up.” Asked Patrick leaning forward slightly.
Steve looked at Patrick then at Jeff with a look of disbelieve on his face as picked up his pint to take a drink.
*****
The only voice that seemed to be on the BBC came placidly wafting from the speakers of Steve and Susan’s television, narrating the sex documentary in a matter of fact tone. “At number ten in our list of male fantasies is sex with another man or threesome fantasies involving another man, which is extremely common.”
*****
“The lying bastards.” Exclaimed Patrick.
“How could they say something like that.” Said Jeff.
“I know.” Nodded Steve. He pointed vigorously to himself as he continued. “Because when I fantasise about sex it’s with a woman.” He raised his finger in the air. “And a fantasy threesome for a man is either, three woman or two women and him in the middle. Another man doesn’t come into it.”
“Yeah exactly.” Said Patrick nodding.
“Yeah same here.” Said Jeff. “I hope you put Susan straight.”
Steve nodded. “Oh I did.” He took a swig of his drink.
*****
Susan didn’t move her head from Steve’s shoulder but kept her eyes fixed on the television. She could feel Steve tense beneath her and feel through the vibrations that he was shaking his head in disagreement and it wasn’t long before Steve aired that disagreement.
“Well that’s bullocks.” Stated Steve.
“Well not for all men.” She replied. “I’m sure gay men have fantasies involving other men.”
Steve flustered slightly. “Well yeah of course gay men do. But straight men don’t. I mean why would we?”
“Curiosity.”
Steve scoffed. “Why on either would straight men be curious about having sex with another man. It’s not as if they have something that we haven’t seen before.”
Susan lifted her head from Steve‘s shoulder and looked at him. “But aren’t you curious about what it would be like?”
Steve shook his head. “Err no.” He said bitingly.
Susan rolled her eyes. “There is nothing wrong in same sex fantasies. It shows how secure you are.” She rested her head back on Steve‘s shoulder. “Just because you have them, doesn’t mean you’re gay.”
“Hey look I am very secure in my masculinity bu…”
Susan started to snort with laughter but tried to hide it by digging her face into Steve‘s chest.
Steve looked down at Susan with some indignation at her laughter. “But I don’t have same sex fantasies.” Steve shuddered slightly at the thought.
“Wow you are clearly oh so secure in your masculinity.” Replied Susan sarcastically.
Steve twisted his body slightly and looked down at her, his brow creased in confusion as he asked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Susan sat up straight and brushed some loose hair from her face. “The postcard over the picture of the naked bottom.”
Steve looked at Susan confused and then at the picture that hung in the hallway, then back at Susan. “What are you talking about? Why would I put a picture over the arse of the girl with the stains?”
Susan closed her eyes and shook her head. “No I mean the picture on the back of the wall.” Susan raised her arm and pointed at the picture on the wall behind them. “Of the male bottom.” She rested her elbow on the back of the couch.
Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah well one naked bottom on the wall is enough.”
“I thought naked bottoms were why fire was invented. Not for cooking put so you could see naked bottoms in the dark.”
“Female bottoms, to see female bottoms. If I wanted to see a male bottom I’d turn around and look in the mirror.”
Susan lightly cleared her throat. “You wouldn’t need to turn around.”
Steve slowly turned his head to look at her and made a nah-nah face. “Very funny.”
“Yeah well all this consent denying and putting postcards of a picture over a naked bottom shows some state of insecurity. As if it was appealing to a part of you that you don’t wish to acknowledge.”
“Oh so the more I deny something, that isn’t actually true, the more truth there is in it?”
“Yes.”
Steve took a minute to think and asked, questioning the logic. “But then if I didn’t deny it you would think it was true.”
Susan nodded her head. “Yes.”
*****
“Women’s logic.” Said Jeff shaking his head. “You can’t fight it. It’s like a parallel world were red means go and green means stop.”
“And we wonder why we can’t win any arguments.” Said Patrick.
“So what then what happened.” Asked Jeff.
“Well I realised I couldn’t win either way so I just shut up and we carried on watching the sexumentry..” Steve held his hands out in the air. “…but then she turns to me and asks.”
*****
“So what’s your ideal fantasy woman?”
Steve looked at Susan as if she was moronic and shrugged as if it was clearly obvious. “Lesbians and three…”
Susan held up her hand to stop Steve. “No, no. I mean who’s your number one, ideal fantasy character from a film?”
Steve took in a breath and held it, he released it as he looked up into the air, thinking.
*****
“She’s asking me to choose one. I mean how do you do that. Out of all the goddesses of film history, how do you choose just one?”
“I mean.” Patrick kicked off the list. “There’s the obvious Britt Ekland and Jenny Agutter. A mans ideal because they’re already naked.”
“No evil bras to tackle.” Chipped in Jeff.
Steve piped up. “But then there’s Raquel Welch in her bearskin bikini.”
“Cameron Diaz in the mask.” Said Patrick.
“Ramona from Doctor Who.” Said Steve.
“Princess Leia in the gold bikini.” Said Patrick.
“The little mermaid.”
That caused Steve and Patrick to stall on the list and they looked at each other before turning to Jeff. Patrick allowed Steve to exclaim the “What!”
Jeff stopped staring out into the empty space in front of him and looked at Steve and Patrick. “What.” He asked innocently.
“The Little Mermaid.” Exclaimed Steve, gesturing with his hands in a circling motion. “Is a cartoon character.”
Jeff shrugged. “Yeah so.”
“A cartoon character.” Stated Steve again.
“And so what. Jessica Rabbit is also a cartoon character.” Jeff pointed at Steve. “I bet you wouldn’t refuse her from the list.”
“Yes, ok, but Jessica Rabbit is not a fish.”
“Yeah well neither was The Little Mermaid in the end. She got legs. Two very lovely legs.”
Patrick wagged his finger. “You know he’s right. Two very lovely legs.”
Steve tilted his head. “Yeah ok I’ll give you that.” He picked up his pint. “And I’ll admit I wouldn’t kick her out of bed in the morning.”
Jeff bounced up and down on the couch slightly. “Oh, oh and Tinkabell.”
Steve’s pint hovered by his mouth and he lowered it again as he said. “Tinkabell.” He paused. “Is a fairy.”
Jeff nodded. “Exactly. She’s perfect because from her perspective...” He gestured with his hands. “…everything is massive.”
Steve and Patrick both tilted there heads, thinking about it, and then nodded there heads in appreciation of Jeff’s logic.
“God if Tinkabell ever laid her eyes on junior Patrick she’d think it was the Empire State building.” Said Patrick casually before taking a sip of his Guinness.
Steve and Jeff just looked at him with envy.
“Yeah well.” Said Steve sulkily. Before he became animated again by the list. He slapped his legs joyously as he added another name to the list “And then there’s Diana Rigg as Emma Peel. Dressed as a dominatrix.”
Patrick slapped his thigh lightly and threw his head back. “God I loved the Avengers.” He took a sip of his pint. “Man I haven’t seen that episode of Diana Rigg in leather for a long time.”
Steve smiled smugly. “I’ve got a copy of the episode at home. ”
Patrick lent forward as he lightly hit Steve on the leg an idea forming in his head. “Hey what do you say after this drink, you go get one of the best pieces of TV history, we stop off at the off license for some drinks and head back to mine to watch Diana Rigg in all her dominatrix glory.”
Steve smiled and raised his eyebrows. “So you’re a lover of Mrs Emma Peel are you.”
Patrick lent backwards raising his glass to his lips. “Oh yes. Among many others.”
“See exactly.” Said Steve. “You love Emma Peel but you couldn’t just choose her out of all the others could you.” Steve raised both his index fingers in the air. “I mean your ideal fantasy would be all those women in some large lesbian spanking orgy.”
Jeff and Patrick nodded their heads in agreement.
“So you can see the predicament I’m in with only having to choose one. But now she’s staring to get annoyed. I mean I’d only been thinking about it for ten minutes.” He tutted. “Women. They’ve got no patience.”
“So you didn’t choose one?” Asked Patrick.
“After careful consideration I was able to choose one.” He took a sip of his pint.
“Well who did you choose?” Asked Jeff as he lightly tapped Steve’s leg.
Steve lent back on the couch and raised his eyebrows as he said. “The Queen of the Galaxy.”
Jeff and Patrick instantly knew who he meant and smiled broadly.
*****
“Salmonella!” Exclaimed Jane. “Well I knew men had some odd fetishes and fantasies but I’d always figured Steve for the typical, tie ‘em up and treat them mean, kind of guy. While being surrounded by many lesbians. Not food poisoning” She coolly took a sip of her wine.
Susan shook her head. “No Jane not, salmonella, Barbarella.” Said Susan exhaling sharply.
Jane twirled a strand of hair round her index finger. “Oh Barbarella.” Jane shrugged her shoulders and took another sip of her wine. “I’ve always mixed up my S’s and B’s.”
The girls were sat at the table of there usual watering hole. Sally was in the middle and Susan was on her left, Jane on the right and all of them couldn’t sit comfortably and stretch there legs because of the wooden bar that ran across the bottom of the table.
“So who or what is Barbarella?” Asked Sally as she lifted her head from her hands and grabbed her glass of wine.
“Jane Fonda.” Said Susan, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Barbarella is the queen of the galaxy a highly sexual woman who has to find and stop the evil Duran-Duran.”
“You know I’ve never liked them and it’s about time someone stopped them.” Jane continued to twirl a strand of hair around her finger. “Especially since they’ve started that come back tour.” She took a sip of her wine. “Glad to see Steve’s into someone who’s doing some good in the world. I’ve always been a Spandau Ballet girl myself. Great hair.” She took another sip of her wine.
Both Sally and Susan ignored Jane. “So what does Barbarella do?” Asked Sally.
Susan placed her glass of wine back on the table, crossed her legs and clasped her hands over her knee as she explained further, marking every point off with her fingers. “Well she, seduces an angel, strips in space, conveys love by hand, takes sex to outer space and nearly dies of pleasure.” She reached out and picked up her glass of wine. “Which she was completely faking.” She shrugged her shoulders and raised her glass to her lips. “So basically a mans dream woman.” And took a sip of her wine.
Sally shook her head. “Men are so predictable when it comes to fantasies and stuff. Why can’t they be a little more sensual in there fantasies?” She raised her shoulders and longingly tilted her head to the side. “I mean what’s really sexy and erotic is that Victorian repression, the forbidden, the unknown”
“You know that’s the great thing about being bisexual. The unknown” Said Jane looking off into the distance. “You never really know which sex you’re going to be attracted to next.”
Neither Susan nor Sally felt they could expand on Jane’s comment and continued talking about fantasies.
Susan nodded. “Hum, you’re right. The sexiest thing about Victorian romance is that everything’s covered up. So the less you see something, the more you actually want to see it. And the simple action of touching hands is so electric it’s like today’s intimacy of sticking your breast in your boyfriend’s face.” She held her hands out in the air. “But you know sometimes I want to feel that sensation of being someone else. Wear something and be someone that Steve just has deep dark fantasy’s about and be absolutely desirable that I leave him dumb struck.”
Sally snorted and raised her glass of wine to her lips. “Isn’t Steve always dumb.” She took a long sip of her wine and didn’t finish the sentence.
Susan gave Sally a stare that she usually saved for Steve when he was digging his verbal holes and it was enough to cause Sally to look away from Susan scared.
Susan carried on with what she was trying to say. “It’s just so liberating you know to be somebody else, because then you can let go and do things that you wouldn’t normally do. It also great in spicing things up.” She rested her elbows on the table. “But you know we’ve kind of exhausted all the typical fantasies of the police officer, French bitch, nurse. I’ve pretended to be a dentists receptionist.”
“Why do men find the idea of a dentist receptionist so appealing?” Asked Sally shaking her head in mild bewilderment. “Is it just the uniform?”
“Must be.” Said Jane. “But you know that’s another thing. If men are so keen to see us naked…” She shrugged her shoulders. “…then why do they sometimes imagine use dressed in uniforms. It’s more for them to try and take off and most men can’t even handle unzipping trousers, let alone attempt to take our bras off.”
“Especially when they’re in a real rush to see you naked.” Said Sally.
Susan was smiling softly and she laughed lightly as she remember an incident with her and Steve, that at the time had annoyed her slightly. “You know Steve got so flustered once because he couldn’t undo my bra that he got into a complete strop about it. He then proceeded to rant for five minutes about how it was just another thing invented to make men feel inadequate and make the whole process of sex all the more traumatic.” She smiled coyly and sat up straight. “Luckily my new outfit as easy access zips.”
Sally raised her eyebrow. “New outfit.”
Susan just smiled as she produced a bag from underneath the table and handed it to Sally and Jane.
*****
Steve closed the front door behind him and hurriedly headed to the living room as he called out to Susan, who he knew was in the apartment as her jacket was in the hallway. “I’m not stopping long.” He headed towards the television and knelt down to rummage among the videos there. “Me and the boys are gonna have a film night at Patrick’s.” As he found The Avenger’s tape he was looking for he stood up. “Don’t know what time I’ll be back.” He turned to head back towards the hallway. “I promise I’ll try…”
Steve was halted mid sentence when he turned round to face the doorway. His eyes almost bulged from his head at the vision before him. Stood in the doorway with her hands firmly on her hips was Susan dressed as non other than Barbarella. Head to toe, dressed, as Barbarella.
Steve knew that he was stood with his mouth agape, hitting the floor in fact, but at that moment he was to dumb struck to pick it up off the floor. Barbarella in the form of Susan was standing in his very living room doorway. He took it all in, amazed.
Susan had everything. The hairstyle, the dark smouldering makeup and more importantly the outfit. The white PVC sleeveless shirt that went down in a sort of triangular shape to cover the crouch, that was held together by three black straps across the chest and the knee high white PVC boots. Steve thought he’d died and gone to heaven.
Susan pouted and teasingly said in disappointed tone. “Oh you’re going to spend the night with the boys.”
Steve continued to stare for a moment before saying in a high pitched tone. “No, no. Wouldn’t, wouldn’t dream of doing that.”
Susan raised her right arm resting it against the doorway and she bent her left leg seductively. “But you were going to have a film night with the boys. I mean I wouldn’t want you to stay in with little old me because you feel you have to.”
Steve took a few moments to reply. “Well it’s not like it’s a chore or anything.” He smiled nervously.
“Oh well only if your sure. I mean…”
Steve nodded his head vigorously. “No, no I’m sure.” He ran his eyes up and down Susan again. “I’m definitely sure.”
“So.” Susan said shrugging her shoulders. “What do you want to do?” She asked coyly.
“Well err…” Steve stuck out his lower lip and raised his eyes to the ceiling pretending to think “…we could erm, stay in and watch the telly.” He said nervously.
Susan tilted her head to the side with a look of disagreement on her face. “Well actually I was thinking that you could run those long nimble fingers of yours across your personal orgasm machine.”
If it was possible Steve’s eyes widened further and any blood that may have been left in his head completely travelled south as he watched Susan’s PVC covered arse sashay out of his sight. Slowly looking up to the heavens Steve clasped his hands together and rasped. “Thank you God” And once he’d regained the ability to move his legs Steve stripped off his jacket and threw his shoes and socks off, he certainly didn’t want to miss the sock gap, and dashed over the sofa racing to the bedroom.
But stopped in his tracks however when he heard the sound of Jeff and Patrick’s voices coming from outside. Quickly he ran to the front door and opened it slightly hiding his lower self behind it.
Raising his hand in the air Steve cut off Jeff’s question with. “Sorry guys can’t do the whole film thing tonight. Me and Susan have got… a, a, a thing on so…” Steve made to shut the front door but Jeff quickly rested his foot in the way and lent against the door frame.
“Oh what.” Said Patrick annoyed. “Look I’m desperate for a bit of Diana Rigg and…” Patrick hit Steve lightly in the stomach. “…I thought you were to.” He said giving Steve a wink.
Steve was hoping from foot to foot slightly behind the door like a nine year old wanting to relieve himself. He let out a short laugh “Yeah well change of plan.” And again made a move to shut the door. But this time Jeff held his hand out to keep the door open.
“Steve what could be better than Dian Rigg, Jenny Agutter, Britt Ekland and…” Jeff was smiling manically now. “The Little Mermaid?”
Steve opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by Jeff’s breathless. “Jane Fonda.”
As Patrick couldn’t see into Steve’s flat he looked at Jeff in confusion. Who it seemed had gone into a trance which also appeared to have caused him to lose all muscle control of his jaw as it had ended up on the floor. So Patrick leaned into Jeff, looked over his shoulder, past Steve and into Steve’s flat and on the sight he saw before him, his own jaw also fell to the floor.
Walking towards them was a white PVC clad Susan. Jeff and Patrick saw her lips move, god did they see how those rose coloured lips moved, but she could have been speaking Swahili for all they knew. Susan was now so close to them that she had to lightly push Steve to the side a little and Jeff watched in awe as she reached out and touched his jacket, and he could feel the weight of her slipping something into his pocket.
On the inside Susan was laughing and also loving it. She was at laughing how stupidly dumb founded the boys were and she was loving the fact that she was the one causing it. There is nothing a woman loves better than the feeling of being desirable.
She smiled seductively. “Sorry boys me are Steve are going to spend a night in.” As she approached the doorway she lightly pushed Steve out the way and slipped into Jeff’s coat pocket Steve’s beloved Diana Rigg tape and she gentle pushed Jeff out the way of the door. “In front of the telly.” And closed the door on Jeff and Patrick.
Both Patrick and Jeff stared in wonderment at Steve’s front door and through the frosted glass they could see Susan push Steve up against the door, before dragging him off to the bedroom.
Slowly they turned their heads to look at each other before slowly turning around completely and take slow, cautious steps down the steps from Steve‘s flat. When they reached the bottom they stopped, both turning to look back at Steve’s front door before turning to look at each other, and enviously exclaiming together.
“Lucky bastard!”
The End
accomplished]
Fandom: Coupling
Title: Susanella
Beta: Not betaed. Sorry for all errors.
Rating: 12
Paring: Steve/Susan
Spoilers/Set: Season 2 after ‘my dinner in hell’ no major spoilers
Summary: Let me be your fantasy
A/N: Writing the boys conversation is so much easier than the girls, so the girls conversation is kind of just a linking thing for the end part, which was the first thing of this story that I thought of and wrote down. Also I haven’t seen a number of the films mentioned, so I’m going on from what I know about them from Coupling itself, what I’ve heard on some documentaries and websites. So I apologise if something is incorrect. And once again I’d really love to know what people think. =)
“Ok so there we are on the couch. Susan is leaning against me and we’ve just finished watching Spooks with Jenny Agutter.”
All three men stopped in the street to take a moment to relieve the experience of Walkabout before they carried onto the pub and Steve continued with his story.
“Now at this point me and Susan are quite lethargic and we don’t really care wants on next. However our curiosity is perked when the next show on the BBC is some documentary looking at the attitudes to sex and fantasies.”
“Excellent.” Chipped in Jeff.
“Now I’m thinking this is a little weird. I mean I don’t remember either me or Susan picking up the remote and tuning into channel four, cause lets face it, soft porn disguised as a documentary is channel fours thing.”
“Wait.” Interrupted Jeff. “Then what are channel five documentaries.”
“Hard core, freak show porn.” Stated Patrick as a matter of fact. As the boys headed down the steps to the bar.
“Really.” Said Jeff smiling manically. “I think I’ve found my niche.”
Patrick and Steve shared a worried glance between themselves as they headed to the bar to order there drinks before Steve once again continued with the story.
“Anyway I’m thinking, do I pick up the remote and change the channel? Because I know this programme could start a conversation that I don’t want to go into. Like the whole ‘going solo’ conversation.” He winced at the memory. “But then I start to think that if I do switch to a different channel then am I going to be admitting some kind of guilt and besides…” The boys picked up there drinks and headed to there usual sitting ground. “…it’s a show about sex, if I turn over I might miss something.” Steve paused. “Enlightening.”
The three guys sat down all taking a refreshing sip of their pints.
“But Susan’s there.” Jeff said questioningly.
“Exactly. So if she turns the television over then it’s just turning the television over.”
“So did she turn it over?” Asked Patrick.
Steve took in a slow breath threw his nose. “No.” And took a sip of his pint.
Both Jeff and Patrick nodded slowly as they fully processed the information Steve had given them.
“Right.” Said Jeff. “So there you are, with Susan, and you have the potential for an uncomfortable conversation to emerge and you can’t turn the television over because if you did it, it would look like some admission of guilt.”
“Yep.”
“But if Susan turned the television over it would just be turning the television over.”
“Exactly.”
“But she didn’t turn the television over.”
“No.”
“So what was the first uncomfortable thing to come up.” Asked Patrick leaning forward slightly.
Steve looked at Patrick then at Jeff with a look of disbelieve on his face as picked up his pint to take a drink.
*****
The only voice that seemed to be on the BBC came placidly wafting from the speakers of Steve and Susan’s television, narrating the sex documentary in a matter of fact tone. “At number ten in our list of male fantasies is sex with another man or threesome fantasies involving another man, which is extremely common.”
*****
“The lying bastards.” Exclaimed Patrick.
“How could they say something like that.” Said Jeff.
“I know.” Nodded Steve. He pointed vigorously to himself as he continued. “Because when I fantasise about sex it’s with a woman.” He raised his finger in the air. “And a fantasy threesome for a man is either, three woman or two women and him in the middle. Another man doesn’t come into it.”
“Yeah exactly.” Said Patrick nodding.
“Yeah same here.” Said Jeff. “I hope you put Susan straight.”
Steve nodded. “Oh I did.” He took a swig of his drink.
*****
Susan didn’t move her head from Steve’s shoulder but kept her eyes fixed on the television. She could feel Steve tense beneath her and feel through the vibrations that he was shaking his head in disagreement and it wasn’t long before Steve aired that disagreement.
“Well that’s bullocks.” Stated Steve.
“Well not for all men.” She replied. “I’m sure gay men have fantasies involving other men.”
Steve flustered slightly. “Well yeah of course gay men do. But straight men don’t. I mean why would we?”
“Curiosity.”
Steve scoffed. “Why on either would straight men be curious about having sex with another man. It’s not as if they have something that we haven’t seen before.”
Susan lifted her head from Steve‘s shoulder and looked at him. “But aren’t you curious about what it would be like?”
Steve shook his head. “Err no.” He said bitingly.
Susan rolled her eyes. “There is nothing wrong in same sex fantasies. It shows how secure you are.” She rested her head back on Steve‘s shoulder. “Just because you have them, doesn’t mean you’re gay.”
“Hey look I am very secure in my masculinity bu…”
Susan started to snort with laughter but tried to hide it by digging her face into Steve‘s chest.
Steve looked down at Susan with some indignation at her laughter. “But I don’t have same sex fantasies.” Steve shuddered slightly at the thought.
“Wow you are clearly oh so secure in your masculinity.” Replied Susan sarcastically.
Steve twisted his body slightly and looked down at her, his brow creased in confusion as he asked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Susan sat up straight and brushed some loose hair from her face. “The postcard over the picture of the naked bottom.”
Steve looked at Susan confused and then at the picture that hung in the hallway, then back at Susan. “What are you talking about? Why would I put a picture over the arse of the girl with the stains?”
Susan closed her eyes and shook her head. “No I mean the picture on the back of the wall.” Susan raised her arm and pointed at the picture on the wall behind them. “Of the male bottom.” She rested her elbow on the back of the couch.
Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah well one naked bottom on the wall is enough.”
“I thought naked bottoms were why fire was invented. Not for cooking put so you could see naked bottoms in the dark.”
“Female bottoms, to see female bottoms. If I wanted to see a male bottom I’d turn around and look in the mirror.”
Susan lightly cleared her throat. “You wouldn’t need to turn around.”
Steve slowly turned his head to look at her and made a nah-nah face. “Very funny.”
“Yeah well all this consent denying and putting postcards of a picture over a naked bottom shows some state of insecurity. As if it was appealing to a part of you that you don’t wish to acknowledge.”
“Oh so the more I deny something, that isn’t actually true, the more truth there is in it?”
“Yes.”
Steve took a minute to think and asked, questioning the logic. “But then if I didn’t deny it you would think it was true.”
Susan nodded her head. “Yes.”
*****
“Women’s logic.” Said Jeff shaking his head. “You can’t fight it. It’s like a parallel world were red means go and green means stop.”
“And we wonder why we can’t win any arguments.” Said Patrick.
“So what then what happened.” Asked Jeff.
“Well I realised I couldn’t win either way so I just shut up and we carried on watching the sexumentry..” Steve held his hands out in the air. “…but then she turns to me and asks.”
*****
“So what’s your ideal fantasy woman?”
Steve looked at Susan as if she was moronic and shrugged as if it was clearly obvious. “Lesbians and three…”
Susan held up her hand to stop Steve. “No, no. I mean who’s your number one, ideal fantasy character from a film?”
Steve took in a breath and held it, he released it as he looked up into the air, thinking.
*****
“She’s asking me to choose one. I mean how do you do that. Out of all the goddesses of film history, how do you choose just one?”
“I mean.” Patrick kicked off the list. “There’s the obvious Britt Ekland and Jenny Agutter. A mans ideal because they’re already naked.”
“No evil bras to tackle.” Chipped in Jeff.
Steve piped up. “But then there’s Raquel Welch in her bearskin bikini.”
“Cameron Diaz in the mask.” Said Patrick.
“Ramona from Doctor Who.” Said Steve.
“Princess Leia in the gold bikini.” Said Patrick.
“The little mermaid.”
That caused Steve and Patrick to stall on the list and they looked at each other before turning to Jeff. Patrick allowed Steve to exclaim the “What!”
Jeff stopped staring out into the empty space in front of him and looked at Steve and Patrick. “What.” He asked innocently.
“The Little Mermaid.” Exclaimed Steve, gesturing with his hands in a circling motion. “Is a cartoon character.”
Jeff shrugged. “Yeah so.”
“A cartoon character.” Stated Steve again.
“And so what. Jessica Rabbit is also a cartoon character.” Jeff pointed at Steve. “I bet you wouldn’t refuse her from the list.”
“Yes, ok, but Jessica Rabbit is not a fish.”
“Yeah well neither was The Little Mermaid in the end. She got legs. Two very lovely legs.”
Patrick wagged his finger. “You know he’s right. Two very lovely legs.”
Steve tilted his head. “Yeah ok I’ll give you that.” He picked up his pint. “And I’ll admit I wouldn’t kick her out of bed in the morning.”
Jeff bounced up and down on the couch slightly. “Oh, oh and Tinkabell.”
Steve’s pint hovered by his mouth and he lowered it again as he said. “Tinkabell.” He paused. “Is a fairy.”
Jeff nodded. “Exactly. She’s perfect because from her perspective...” He gestured with his hands. “…everything is massive.”
Steve and Patrick both tilted there heads, thinking about it, and then nodded there heads in appreciation of Jeff’s logic.
“God if Tinkabell ever laid her eyes on junior Patrick she’d think it was the Empire State building.” Said Patrick casually before taking a sip of his Guinness.
Steve and Jeff just looked at him with envy.
“Yeah well.” Said Steve sulkily. Before he became animated again by the list. He slapped his legs joyously as he added another name to the list “And then there’s Diana Rigg as Emma Peel. Dressed as a dominatrix.”
Patrick slapped his thigh lightly and threw his head back. “God I loved the Avengers.” He took a sip of his pint. “Man I haven’t seen that episode of Diana Rigg in leather for a long time.”
Steve smiled smugly. “I’ve got a copy of the episode at home. ”
Patrick lent forward as he lightly hit Steve on the leg an idea forming in his head. “Hey what do you say after this drink, you go get one of the best pieces of TV history, we stop off at the off license for some drinks and head back to mine to watch Diana Rigg in all her dominatrix glory.”
Steve smiled and raised his eyebrows. “So you’re a lover of Mrs Emma Peel are you.”
Patrick lent backwards raising his glass to his lips. “Oh yes. Among many others.”
“See exactly.” Said Steve. “You love Emma Peel but you couldn’t just choose her out of all the others could you.” Steve raised both his index fingers in the air. “I mean your ideal fantasy would be all those women in some large lesbian spanking orgy.”
Jeff and Patrick nodded their heads in agreement.
“So you can see the predicament I’m in with only having to choose one. But now she’s staring to get annoyed. I mean I’d only been thinking about it for ten minutes.” He tutted. “Women. They’ve got no patience.”
“So you didn’t choose one?” Asked Patrick.
“After careful consideration I was able to choose one.” He took a sip of his pint.
“Well who did you choose?” Asked Jeff as he lightly tapped Steve’s leg.
Steve lent back on the couch and raised his eyebrows as he said. “The Queen of the Galaxy.”
Jeff and Patrick instantly knew who he meant and smiled broadly.
*****
“Salmonella!” Exclaimed Jane. “Well I knew men had some odd fetishes and fantasies but I’d always figured Steve for the typical, tie ‘em up and treat them mean, kind of guy. While being surrounded by many lesbians. Not food poisoning” She coolly took a sip of her wine.
Susan shook her head. “No Jane not, salmonella, Barbarella.” Said Susan exhaling sharply.
Jane twirled a strand of hair round her index finger. “Oh Barbarella.” Jane shrugged her shoulders and took another sip of her wine. “I’ve always mixed up my S’s and B’s.”
The girls were sat at the table of there usual watering hole. Sally was in the middle and Susan was on her left, Jane on the right and all of them couldn’t sit comfortably and stretch there legs because of the wooden bar that ran across the bottom of the table.
“So who or what is Barbarella?” Asked Sally as she lifted her head from her hands and grabbed her glass of wine.
“Jane Fonda.” Said Susan, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Barbarella is the queen of the galaxy a highly sexual woman who has to find and stop the evil Duran-Duran.”
“You know I’ve never liked them and it’s about time someone stopped them.” Jane continued to twirl a strand of hair around her finger. “Especially since they’ve started that come back tour.” She took a sip of her wine. “Glad to see Steve’s into someone who’s doing some good in the world. I’ve always been a Spandau Ballet girl myself. Great hair.” She took another sip of her wine.
Both Sally and Susan ignored Jane. “So what does Barbarella do?” Asked Sally.
Susan placed her glass of wine back on the table, crossed her legs and clasped her hands over her knee as she explained further, marking every point off with her fingers. “Well she, seduces an angel, strips in space, conveys love by hand, takes sex to outer space and nearly dies of pleasure.” She reached out and picked up her glass of wine. “Which she was completely faking.” She shrugged her shoulders and raised her glass to her lips. “So basically a mans dream woman.” And took a sip of her wine.
Sally shook her head. “Men are so predictable when it comes to fantasies and stuff. Why can’t they be a little more sensual in there fantasies?” She raised her shoulders and longingly tilted her head to the side. “I mean what’s really sexy and erotic is that Victorian repression, the forbidden, the unknown”
“You know that’s the great thing about being bisexual. The unknown” Said Jane looking off into the distance. “You never really know which sex you’re going to be attracted to next.”
Neither Susan nor Sally felt they could expand on Jane’s comment and continued talking about fantasies.
Susan nodded. “Hum, you’re right. The sexiest thing about Victorian romance is that everything’s covered up. So the less you see something, the more you actually want to see it. And the simple action of touching hands is so electric it’s like today’s intimacy of sticking your breast in your boyfriend’s face.” She held her hands out in the air. “But you know sometimes I want to feel that sensation of being someone else. Wear something and be someone that Steve just has deep dark fantasy’s about and be absolutely desirable that I leave him dumb struck.”
Sally snorted and raised her glass of wine to her lips. “Isn’t Steve always dumb.” She took a long sip of her wine and didn’t finish the sentence.
Susan gave Sally a stare that she usually saved for Steve when he was digging his verbal holes and it was enough to cause Sally to look away from Susan scared.
Susan carried on with what she was trying to say. “It’s just so liberating you know to be somebody else, because then you can let go and do things that you wouldn’t normally do. It also great in spicing things up.” She rested her elbows on the table. “But you know we’ve kind of exhausted all the typical fantasies of the police officer, French bitch, nurse. I’ve pretended to be a dentists receptionist.”
“Why do men find the idea of a dentist receptionist so appealing?” Asked Sally shaking her head in mild bewilderment. “Is it just the uniform?”
“Must be.” Said Jane. “But you know that’s another thing. If men are so keen to see us naked…” She shrugged her shoulders. “…then why do they sometimes imagine use dressed in uniforms. It’s more for them to try and take off and most men can’t even handle unzipping trousers, let alone attempt to take our bras off.”
“Especially when they’re in a real rush to see you naked.” Said Sally.
Susan was smiling softly and she laughed lightly as she remember an incident with her and Steve, that at the time had annoyed her slightly. “You know Steve got so flustered once because he couldn’t undo my bra that he got into a complete strop about it. He then proceeded to rant for five minutes about how it was just another thing invented to make men feel inadequate and make the whole process of sex all the more traumatic.” She smiled coyly and sat up straight. “Luckily my new outfit as easy access zips.”
Sally raised her eyebrow. “New outfit.”
Susan just smiled as she produced a bag from underneath the table and handed it to Sally and Jane.
*****
Steve closed the front door behind him and hurriedly headed to the living room as he called out to Susan, who he knew was in the apartment as her jacket was in the hallway. “I’m not stopping long.” He headed towards the television and knelt down to rummage among the videos there. “Me and the boys are gonna have a film night at Patrick’s.” As he found The Avenger’s tape he was looking for he stood up. “Don’t know what time I’ll be back.” He turned to head back towards the hallway. “I promise I’ll try…”
Steve was halted mid sentence when he turned round to face the doorway. His eyes almost bulged from his head at the vision before him. Stood in the doorway with her hands firmly on her hips was Susan dressed as non other than Barbarella. Head to toe, dressed, as Barbarella.
Steve knew that he was stood with his mouth agape, hitting the floor in fact, but at that moment he was to dumb struck to pick it up off the floor. Barbarella in the form of Susan was standing in his very living room doorway. He took it all in, amazed.
Susan had everything. The hairstyle, the dark smouldering makeup and more importantly the outfit. The white PVC sleeveless shirt that went down in a sort of triangular shape to cover the crouch, that was held together by three black straps across the chest and the knee high white PVC boots. Steve thought he’d died and gone to heaven.
Susan pouted and teasingly said in disappointed tone. “Oh you’re going to spend the night with the boys.”
Steve continued to stare for a moment before saying in a high pitched tone. “No, no. Wouldn’t, wouldn’t dream of doing that.”
Susan raised her right arm resting it against the doorway and she bent her left leg seductively. “But you were going to have a film night with the boys. I mean I wouldn’t want you to stay in with little old me because you feel you have to.”
Steve took a few moments to reply. “Well it’s not like it’s a chore or anything.” He smiled nervously.
“Oh well only if your sure. I mean…”
Steve nodded his head vigorously. “No, no I’m sure.” He ran his eyes up and down Susan again. “I’m definitely sure.”
“So.” Susan said shrugging her shoulders. “What do you want to do?” She asked coyly.
“Well err…” Steve stuck out his lower lip and raised his eyes to the ceiling pretending to think “…we could erm, stay in and watch the telly.” He said nervously.
Susan tilted her head to the side with a look of disagreement on her face. “Well actually I was thinking that you could run those long nimble fingers of yours across your personal orgasm machine.”
If it was possible Steve’s eyes widened further and any blood that may have been left in his head completely travelled south as he watched Susan’s PVC covered arse sashay out of his sight. Slowly looking up to the heavens Steve clasped his hands together and rasped. “Thank you God” And once he’d regained the ability to move his legs Steve stripped off his jacket and threw his shoes and socks off, he certainly didn’t want to miss the sock gap, and dashed over the sofa racing to the bedroom.
But stopped in his tracks however when he heard the sound of Jeff and Patrick’s voices coming from outside. Quickly he ran to the front door and opened it slightly hiding his lower self behind it.
Raising his hand in the air Steve cut off Jeff’s question with. “Sorry guys can’t do the whole film thing tonight. Me and Susan have got… a, a, a thing on so…” Steve made to shut the front door but Jeff quickly rested his foot in the way and lent against the door frame.
“Oh what.” Said Patrick annoyed. “Look I’m desperate for a bit of Diana Rigg and…” Patrick hit Steve lightly in the stomach. “…I thought you were to.” He said giving Steve a wink.
Steve was hoping from foot to foot slightly behind the door like a nine year old wanting to relieve himself. He let out a short laugh “Yeah well change of plan.” And again made a move to shut the door. But this time Jeff held his hand out to keep the door open.
“Steve what could be better than Dian Rigg, Jenny Agutter, Britt Ekland and…” Jeff was smiling manically now. “The Little Mermaid?”
Steve opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by Jeff’s breathless. “Jane Fonda.”
As Patrick couldn’t see into Steve’s flat he looked at Jeff in confusion. Who it seemed had gone into a trance which also appeared to have caused him to lose all muscle control of his jaw as it had ended up on the floor. So Patrick leaned into Jeff, looked over his shoulder, past Steve and into Steve’s flat and on the sight he saw before him, his own jaw also fell to the floor.
Walking towards them was a white PVC clad Susan. Jeff and Patrick saw her lips move, god did they see how those rose coloured lips moved, but she could have been speaking Swahili for all they knew. Susan was now so close to them that she had to lightly push Steve to the side a little and Jeff watched in awe as she reached out and touched his jacket, and he could feel the weight of her slipping something into his pocket.
On the inside Susan was laughing and also loving it. She was at laughing how stupidly dumb founded the boys were and she was loving the fact that she was the one causing it. There is nothing a woman loves better than the feeling of being desirable.
She smiled seductively. “Sorry boys me are Steve are going to spend a night in.” As she approached the doorway she lightly pushed Steve out the way and slipped into Jeff’s coat pocket Steve’s beloved Diana Rigg tape and she gentle pushed Jeff out the way of the door. “In front of the telly.” And closed the door on Jeff and Patrick.
Both Patrick and Jeff stared in wonderment at Steve’s front door and through the frosted glass they could see Susan push Steve up against the door, before dragging him off to the bedroom.
Slowly they turned their heads to look at each other before slowly turning around completely and take slow, cautious steps down the steps from Steve‘s flat. When they reached the bottom they stopped, both turning to look back at Steve’s front door before turning to look at each other, and enviously exclaiming together.
“Lucky bastard!”
The End