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Oh my gosh so I got a problem and with how my schedule will be within the next few days the only way I can talk to you guys (janna and chantel) about it is through live journal so i can check it when i'm awake in the wee hours of the night that i'll be spending finishing this damn caricature project =P
So I had a scary conversation with Bryan. He had mentioned how he didn't care that he may lose his scholarship. I kinda flipped. Not because I wanted to tell him off for not putting forth a tiny bit more effort to save himself from student loans or having to rely on his parents even more than he is now. I wanted to, but I'm not his mother and there was something more important on my mind. My brain had made the connection that this was a reflection of his character in matters of how he handles responsibility. I didn't think that that was too out there at the time but he got upset. I started to ask him questions about how he handles responsibility as compared to how he is handling his academics. He got upset and later on in the day i asked him if the conversation had left him feeling uneasy about anything. he said yeah and that his thoughts included: "the fuck did i just do" among other things that to me translated as i'm questioning our relationship. . . and when he confirmed it i flipped my shit all over again. good thing it was on facebook chat rather than real life. the conclusion was that i was making things worse with all my worrying. Granted I do worry way too much, and most of the time it's about perceived problems rather than actual problems. like the time that i told him that i was worried that i was becoming a nuisance because i was not getting replies to my text message and i got worried. i know that all i connect with people by communicating regularly, he wasn't used to it and automatically felt like I had become overbearing (this was during a time when he had to work on papers for a whole week). so in order to not freak him out i told him i could work with not needing to contact him everyday. even though i still feel hurt that we didn't really compromise. that's sort of my fault as well, telling him that i was fine with it...i didn't want to cause more problems. i did create problems in my head about sillly things but not because i want to cause turmoil, it's usually because there is something there deeper.
so here's the thing that i need help with. how do i work on destroying perceived problems so that we can get right to the actual problems. because i want to work these things out and not cause him to second guess things.
also i'm really feeling angry about the fact that in there haven't been compromises, just a realization of my problems. i did have issues with certain things he was doing but that didn't matter because i was the more dramatic one and therefore need to have things wrong with me. maybe it's not exactly like that but that's the way i'm feeling. and it isn't a nice feeling either.
can anyone make sense of this. i'm feeling really frazzled.
So I had a scary conversation with Bryan. He had mentioned how he didn't care that he may lose his scholarship. I kinda flipped. Not because I wanted to tell him off for not putting forth a tiny bit more effort to save himself from student loans or having to rely on his parents even more than he is now. I wanted to, but I'm not his mother and there was something more important on my mind. My brain had made the connection that this was a reflection of his character in matters of how he handles responsibility. I didn't think that that was too out there at the time but he got upset. I started to ask him questions about how he handles responsibility as compared to how he is handling his academics. He got upset and later on in the day i asked him if the conversation had left him feeling uneasy about anything. he said yeah and that his thoughts included: "the fuck did i just do" among other things that to me translated as i'm questioning our relationship. . . and when he confirmed it i flipped my shit all over again. good thing it was on facebook chat rather than real life. the conclusion was that i was making things worse with all my worrying. Granted I do worry way too much, and most of the time it's about perceived problems rather than actual problems. like the time that i told him that i was worried that i was becoming a nuisance because i was not getting replies to my text message and i got worried. i know that all i connect with people by communicating regularly, he wasn't used to it and automatically felt like I had become overbearing (this was during a time when he had to work on papers for a whole week). so in order to not freak him out i told him i could work with not needing to contact him everyday. even though i still feel hurt that we didn't really compromise. that's sort of my fault as well, telling him that i was fine with it...i didn't want to cause more problems. i did create problems in my head about sillly things but not because i want to cause turmoil, it's usually because there is something there deeper.
so here's the thing that i need help with. how do i work on destroying perceived problems so that we can get right to the actual problems. because i want to work these things out and not cause him to second guess things.
also i'm really feeling angry about the fact that in there haven't been compromises, just a realization of my problems. i did have issues with certain things he was doing but that didn't matter because i was the more dramatic one and therefore need to have things wrong with me. maybe it's not exactly like that but that's the way i'm feeling. and it isn't a nice feeling either.
can anyone make sense of this. i'm feeling really frazzled.