More Processing
So, I joined a new free dating site yesterday - Plenty of Fish. They have a series of tests they ask people to take that they then use to create a chemistry profile and a relationship needs profile. I was fascinated by mine and I thought about how George had been fascinated by the process on OKCupid. So I sent it to him. He answered that he had been on POF before he got on OKCupid and could not figure out how they actually used to profiles to create matches. So I wandered off to see if I could find him on POF. Absolutely eye-opening:
Relationship readiness:
"it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues. It may also be the case that you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Bottom line: you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure out your needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely."
(note: I don't think that I rushed the relationship, but I do think that I allowed him and circumstances to rush it against my better judgement. I wish I had been more cautious.)
and this:
Communication
"Therefore, it is not surprising that you are sensitive to and accepting of other people’s expressions of vulnerability. For example, you can likely sense when someone feels troubled before being told. However, your sensitivity has limits. Most in this scoring range are neither comfortable nor patient with all expressions of emotion. They also are not keenly aware of all of the types of nonverbal signs that people send out nor are they always cognizant of how their own behavior impacts others. It is likely that you seek for others to understand you, rather than you seek to understand others."
Conflict Resolution:
"Rather than avoid conflict, you seem to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome. Your definition of positive outcomes, however, may not always agree with your partner’s definition. For example, in eagerness to find what appears to be a complete and genuine resolution of a conflict rather than settling for a temporary agreement, you may focus on meeting your needs while unwittingly downplaying or minimizing whether your partner’s needs have been met as well. Furthermore, people in this scoring range do not consistently consider the Proper Atmosphere when addressing relationship problems. That is, you may neither consistently arrange for a mutually acceptable time and setting nor choose your opening statement carefully to establish positive yet realistic expectations."
All of which is information that I wish I had had or been open to having months ago. I am not sure exactly what I would have done differently with it, mind you. I just wish I had had it.
As for my own Relationship Readiness Assessment, I was pleasantly surprised:
"Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.
You seem to be happy and content in your life. This is an excellent foundation for a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They can connect well with others with effective relationship and dating skills, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check - meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you appear to be looking for a relationship to complement your life, not to fulfill or “complete” it. You probably have a lot to offer a partner, as long as you do not set unrealistic expectations for that person or the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who is not looking to be taken care of, but rather who is realistic about the hard work it takes to build and maintain a stable and satisfying relationship."
Relationship readiness:
"it is often the case that people in this scoring range need to address unresolved issues that can interfere with them having the life and relationship they want. These could be financial or legal issues or even physical, emotional or health issues. It may also be the case that you are seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you. Bottom line: you need someone who will be patient and supportive as you figure out your needs rather than who will rush the relationship prematurely."
(note: I don't think that I rushed the relationship, but I do think that I allowed him and circumstances to rush it against my better judgement. I wish I had been more cautious.)
and this:
Communication
"Therefore, it is not surprising that you are sensitive to and accepting of other people’s expressions of vulnerability. For example, you can likely sense when someone feels troubled before being told. However, your sensitivity has limits. Most in this scoring range are neither comfortable nor patient with all expressions of emotion. They also are not keenly aware of all of the types of nonverbal signs that people send out nor are they always cognizant of how their own behavior impacts others. It is likely that you seek for others to understand you, rather than you seek to understand others."
Conflict Resolution:
"Rather than avoid conflict, you seem to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome. Your definition of positive outcomes, however, may not always agree with your partner’s definition. For example, in eagerness to find what appears to be a complete and genuine resolution of a conflict rather than settling for a temporary agreement, you may focus on meeting your needs while unwittingly downplaying or minimizing whether your partner’s needs have been met as well. Furthermore, people in this scoring range do not consistently consider the Proper Atmosphere when addressing relationship problems. That is, you may neither consistently arrange for a mutually acceptable time and setting nor choose your opening statement carefully to establish positive yet realistic expectations."
All of which is information that I wish I had had or been open to having months ago. I am not sure exactly what I would have done differently with it, mind you. I just wish I had had it.
As for my own Relationship Readiness Assessment, I was pleasantly surprised:
"Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship.
You seem to be happy and content in your life. This is an excellent foundation for a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They can connect well with others with effective relationship and dating skills, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check - meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues. As such, you appear to be looking for a relationship to complement your life, not to fulfill or “complete” it. You probably have a lot to offer a partner, as long as you do not set unrealistic expectations for that person or the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who is not looking to be taken care of, but rather who is realistic about the hard work it takes to build and maintain a stable and satisfying relationship."