Wants
I feel as though I've mostly been drifting this past year. And I've pretty much allowed that - it was comfortable to drift, to allow others to make decisions for me, to take care of friends who needed it and to allow them to take care of me. But it's starting to be time to recreate my own life. David was so much my anchor, that I've really not known what to do without him, but clearly, I need to decide. Some things I decided without deciding, functioning on gut. I know I won't leave this house. In fact, I'm about to put $130,000 into it. I meet with the architect and the planner this week to go over final plans for a bathroom on the third floor and a complete overhaul of my kitchen. I'm spending more than I will get back in terms of increased value in the house, but since I'm not planning on going anywhere, I don't care. I'm turning this into the space that I want to live and entertain in. The bathroom will have both a soaking tub and a stall shower. I'll be installing heat on the third floor, finally and more importantly, air conditioning. The kitchen will be completely redone, including taking out the current pantries and the chimney to make more room. And there will be decks off both the second and third floors. The third floor deck will have a hot tub on it. I just wish I had the view out the back that I have out the front. But that's ok. This time next year, I could be sitting on my deck typing instead of in my living room.
So the house is part of it. But there's so much more to figure out. Time to resurrect a research agenda. Time to commit to training this puppy (who is 13 months old!). Time to figure out what I really want to be when I grow up. I know that I am already part of what I want to be: I am a teacher who cares about my students and who makes a difference in their lives. I am a friend who is willing to share my resources with those who need them. But I want to be more. I just don't know what yet. And I want to travel, I'm just not sure how or where or for how long. Not too long, clearly, since I'm making myself such an appealing nest.
I want to ride a bicycle down Haleakala at sunset. I've wanted that for 15 years. I think that it will be my 50th birthday present to myself.
So the house is part of it. But there's so much more to figure out. Time to resurrect a research agenda. Time to commit to training this puppy (who is 13 months old!). Time to figure out what I really want to be when I grow up. I know that I am already part of what I want to be: I am a teacher who cares about my students and who makes a difference in their lives. I am a friend who is willing to share my resources with those who need them. But I want to be more. I just don't know what yet. And I want to travel, I'm just not sure how or where or for how long. Not too long, clearly, since I'm making myself such an appealing nest.
I want to ride a bicycle down Haleakala at sunset. I've wanted that for 15 years. I think that it will be my 50th birthday present to myself.