A Sense of Self, Chapter 12
A Sense of Self, Chapter 12: 1986 - Rome, Italy
Author: Dr. B
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: FRT
Summary: Being an undercover agent seemed like the obvious choice; Emily had spent her childhood pretending to be someone she wasn’t in order to please her politician parents or to survive always being the new kid at school. After her last undercover assignment, Emily was transferred to the BAU - no cover necessary. As she tries to adjust and simply be herself she realizes that she’s no longer sure who Emily Prentiss really is.
A/N: Thanks to nikonic for the beta. And thanks for reading! Comments are always appreciated.
1986 - Rome, Italy
Emily closed her eyes and leaned back. She took deep breaths trying to calm her nervous stomach. While an upset stomach had become her constant companion ever since another life took root into her own, she was fairly certain that it was the destination and not the bus ride that was causing the churning. It had been three days since she and Matthew talked with Father Gamino.
After her talks with Matthew and Father Gamino, her thoughts over the weekend were focused on accepting her pregnancy and trying to figure out a way to tell her parents and how she would survive the next eight months. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that everything would be okay and that it would all work out in the end, she never truly believed it.
God never gives us more than we can handle.
Paola had come to talk with her Sunday afternoon. Emily knew that Paola was trying to be supportive, to let her know that she had the strength to do this. But her words did nothing more than to point out how weak Emily actually was. Her memories of grade school made her cringe, not only because all she remembers is being teased and beaten up, but because she was so bothered by it. Looking back on it, their teasing seemed so trivial; so what if they called her vomit breath or didn’t invite her to birthday parties? It’s not as though their pinching and kicking caused any actual physical harm.
She should have been able to handle the teasing better. She should have been strong enough to keep it from hurting. She should have been strong enough to keep the hurt from affecting her.
But she wasn’t. So when she finally had friends and a boyfriend, she was willing to do anything to keep them.
And look where that got her.
Fifteen years old. Pregnant. And alone.
She felt like she had been given far more than she could handle.
Maybe if God was going to give her all this, God should have made her stronger in the first place.
She knew that Paola was trying to make her feel better, but Emily couldn’t help but feel worse. She spent much of Sunday night tossing and turning, weighing her decisions.
When she woke up that Monday morning, however, the debate that had been raging in her heart and mind had calmed. It was almost as though overnight she weighed her options and decided despite Father Gamino and Paola’s warnings, there was no way she could go through with the pregnancy. She felt a strange peace in her decision and knew it was time to act, before her peace and bravery disappeared.
That morning Emily had told Paola a series of believable lies: she was still too sick to go to school, but she needed to go to the library to work on her homework and that she would take the bus to the University to do some of her homework there. In actuality, Emily was on the bus heading to the town of Tivoli, which was far enough outside of Rome for her to not be recognized, but large enough to have a comprehensive women’s health clinic.
She got off the bus at the Piazza and followed the map she had copied out of one of her mother’s books to the Clinica di Salute delle Donne di Tivoli. Her heart was pounding as she walked into the clinic and she held her breath as she walked through the door marked ‘Gravidanza’.
“Emilia Pallazzini,” Emily told the receptionist, hoping that she could fool the clinic staff into believing that she was Italian.
“Penso sono incinta,” she said as quietly as possible. Actually she knew she was pregnant, but thought it would be better to sound somewhat uncertain.
The receptionist nodded and handed her clipboard and a specimen cup to pee in. Emily nodded and took her seat to fill out the paperwork.
#
Emily’s teeth wouldn’t stop chattering. It was hard to know whether it her nerves or the paper-thin gown that did almost nothing to protect her against the powerful air-conditioning in the exam room.
“Emilia?” The doctor walked into the room. “Sono Dottore Machiodi.”
Emily just nodded, too scared to speak.
“Perché pensi che è incinta?” the doctor asked.
Emily swallowed hard, which was difficult because it seemed as though her mouth was completely devoid of any saliva. She started to describe her nausea and exhaustion but was so nervous that she stumbled over her words and mixed up her verb tenses.
“Parli inglese?” he asked gently.
So much for linguistic subterfuge. She nodded, her cheeks reddening. She continued with her story and by time she finished she was crying.
“Well, you are correct. Your urine test shows that you are pregnant,” he told her, handing her a tissue. “We can do an ultrasound to see how far along you are.”
Emily nodded again. She was silent as Dr. Machiodi went through the physical exam. She didn’t even flinch when he performed a pelvic exam. She just closed her eyes and tried to think about something else. She gasped as the cold gel hit her lower abdomen even though the doctor had warned her it was coming.
She kept her eyes closed, not wanting to see the image on the screen.
“Well, Emilia, it seems that you are about six-and-a-half weeks along, which fits with the timing of your last sexual encounter and your last menses,” Dr. Machiodi told her as he put away the ultrasound machine.
“You can call me Emily,” she said.
He nodded. Emily could see the concerned look on his face and knew what he was going to say.
“Can you help me get an abortion?” she asked, not wanting to hear his questions about how she felt about being pregnant. She definitely didn’t want to get any advice on staying healthy during her pregnancy.
He nodded again.
“I’ll go get one of our counselors to come in and talk with you,” he said, standing up.
“Are you going to try to talk me out of it?”
“Do you want me to?”
Emily shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“Gianna will be in to talk with you shortly. She’ll give you all the information you need. You can get dressed.” He shook her hand. “I wish you luck, Emily.”
#
When Emily arrived at the bus depot back in Rome, she walked to Matthew’s house instead of her own. She was relieved when Matthew answered the door.
“Can you come outside for a few minutes?” Emily asked. “I just need to talk to you really quick.”
Matthew nodded, shouted something at his mom, and stepped outside.
Emily quickly told him about her trip to the clinic in Tivoli and that she had an appointment for an abortion on Thursday.
“Can you come with me?” She was no longer on the verge of crying. Since talking with the counselor, Emily felt almost devoid of feeling. It would be wrong to say that she was happy about her decision or even that she was completely at peace with it. But she was ready.
“Of course. It’s not even a question,” Matthew told her. “I’ll see if I can get my cousin’s car instead of taking the bus.”
“I can’t believe you went without me,” he added.
Emily couldn’t either, but when she had woken up that morning, she felt like she needed to go to the clinic before she lost her nerve.
“It was time,” she said simply. “So, I’ll see you in school tomorrow?”
She didn’t really want to go to school, but it would provide the distraction she needed from constantly thinking about Thursday.
“You might want to brush up on Chemistry,” he suggested. “Mr. Freeman was hinting about a quiz and Suzanne is counting on you.”
#
Emily was shivering as she sat on the exam table, wearing the same paper-thin gown she had worn the first time at the clinic. She stared at the white walls because there was nothing else in the room to look at. There was the exam table, a stool, and the white walls. There wasn’t even a window. She had been so lost in her thoughts on the white walls that she nearly jumped off the bed when she heard the knock on the door.
“Entrare,” she squeaked.
“Wow, busting out the Italian and everything.” She definitely wasn’t expecting Matthew at the door, but it was surprisingly comforting to see him there.
“You and my mother are way too easily impressed,” Emily drolled. “She got all, oh, your Italian is amazing. You’re a linguistic genius! on me when we went out to lunch. I mean, I ordered soup and a Coke.”
“I bet you also said please and thank you,” Matthew joked.
Emily nodded. “Damn my proper upbringing.” She clapped her hand over her mouth; it was probably frowned upon to swear in the doctor’s office.
“Relax, Goods, it’s not like we’re in church,” Matthew said, trying to be reassuring.
Church. She might never be in church again. How was she going to explain to her parents why Father Gamino had kicked her out of the congregation. Obviously St. Agnes was not the only Catholic Church in the city, but what if all the priests talked and Father Gamino told all the other priests to not let her in? She’d be banished from all churches in Rome. That would definitely be difficult to explain to her parents.
“Hold my hand?” she asked, the panic evident in her voice.
“Always,” he assured her. “Just take a few deep breaths. The doctor should be here soon. The receptionist lady told me I could come back here since the doctor’s running a little late.”
The warmth of his hands on hers had an instantly calming effect.
One that was soon broken by a knock on the door.
“Emilia Pallazzini?” Emily hadn’t been expecting a woman doctor.
Emily couldn’t bring herself to answer so she just nodded.
“Siete pronti?” the doctor asked.
Was she ready? Would she ever be?
Emily nodded again. She pulled her hands away from Matthew’s.
“Thanks,” she whispered.
“I’ll see you soon,” he whispered back.
After Matthew left the room, the doctor asked her a few basic health questions and then a nurse came in with two large instruments in tow. The doctor started to explain the process to Emily, who just zoned out. She remembered enough details from her conversation with Gianna earlier in the week. She just wanted to get it over with.
The doctor stopped talking and helped Emily get into the stirrups. Emily looked up at the white ceiling and tried to lose herself in the blank void.
#
Despite her father’s recent return and her mother’s promise to be around more often, no one was home when Matthew walked Emily to the door. It was just as well since Emily hadn’t been able to stop crying since the moment she got into the car.
“Does it hurt?” Matthew had asked many times during the car trip home.
Yes and no. She had some cramping, but certainly nothing that would cause her to dissolve into a sobbing mess for the last hour. She just couldn’t stop the tears from coming.
She shook her head.
Matthew helped her up the stairs and as soon as she got into her bedroom she crawled into bed and curled herself into the fetal position.
“Do you want me to stay?” he asked.
Yes and no.
She shook her head. He didn’t need to stay and watch her cry. And she didn’t feel like being consoled. She didn’t deserve to feel better. She deserved to be in pain, she deserved to be miserable, she deserved all of this.
“I’m just going to sleep,” she said. “I’ll be fine.”
Matthew clearly didn’t believe her.
“I’ll be fine enough to stay by myself until Paola gets back,” she clarified. “Please.”
Matthew still looked like he had his doubts, but he nodded. “Ok. I’ll call you later to check in.”
“Sleep well, Goods.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on the top of her head.
“Don’t call me that,” she whispered. She wasn’t good. She didn’t deserve Matthew’s kindness and friendship. She didn’t deserve to have a nickname. She was Emily, poster child for peer pressure and teen pregnancy.
Matthew patted her on the arm and she heard the door close quietly.
She hugged her knees tighter and waited for sleep to come.
___________________________________________________________
Glossary (I apologize for any mistranslations. Google Translator has its flaws.)
Clinica di salute delle donne di Trivoli. Women’s Health Clinic of Trivoli
Gravidanza. Pregnancy
Sono Dottore Machiodi. I’m Dr. Machiodi.
Penso sono incinta. I think I’m pregnant.
Perché pensi che è incinta? Why do you think you are pregnant?
Parli inglese? Do you speak English?
Entrare. Come in.
Siete pronti? Are you ready?
Chapter 13
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