A Sense of Self, Chapter 9
A Sense of Self, Chapter 9: 2007 - Denver, CO
Author: Dr. B
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: FRT
Summary: Being an undercover agent seemed like the obvious choice; Emily had spent her childhood pretending to be someone she wasn’t in order to please her politician parents or to survive always being the new kid at school. After her last undercover assignment, Emily was transferred to the BAU - no cover necessary. As she tries to adjust and simply be herself she realizes that she’s no longer sure who Emily Prentiss really is.
Many thanks to nikonic for the beta.
2007 - Denver, CO
As Emily stared at the crime scene photos, she felt a strange sense of nostalgia for a family she never had.
“PTA moms, grey flannel dads - these guys are killing the Cleavers,” she commented.
“Makes you wonder how the writers really felt about suburbia,” Reid mused after commenting on the irony of the name given to an iconic suburban family.
Emily decided it was neither the time nor place to get into an etymology debate with Reid by pointing out that one of the meanings of cleave is to stick close by and remain faithful.
Emily had always longed for the suburbs. She didn’t need a psychology degree to realize why her favorite TV shows were The Partridge Family, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and The Facts of Life. Well, that last one had less to do with family dynamics and more to do with Jo. Emily stifled a small smile and realized that she had fallen a few beats behind while the team was continuing to spitball ideas about motive.
“Class-based uprising? Helter-Skelter?” As soon as she said those words, she knew they weren’t right. Morgan’s quick interjection about the lack of graffiti and messages let her know just how not right her thought was. Hotch’s furrowed eyebrows directed right at her didn’t help matters.
She had been back on the team for almost two months since her resignation and she hadn’t really felt on her game since her encounter with Strauss. She knew she should feel relieved that Hotch had sought her out, convinced her to return for the Milwaukee case, and then stood up for her to both Chief Strauss and Director Clements. He didn’t have to do that. He had obviously solved the mystery of the missing transfer papers. He knew she had never been hired based on her professional merits; she was hired to be a political pawn, not a profiler.
Hotch knew. Emily wasn’t sure how much the rest of the team knew. But Hotch knew everything. Even with that knowledge, he put his career on the line to keep her on the team. She was embarrassed to admit how much that meant to her. She recalled saying something to him on the plane back from Milwaukee: not the details, but that it was something overly effusive. Probably something she would say only under the influence of a closed head injury.
Despite the knowledge that Hotch made the active move of getting her back on the team, she still worried that any misstep could land her back to being unemployed. Or worse, St. Louis.
She walked down the tarmac and remembered why she hated flying in Denver. For all the beauty of the Rocky Mountains, the airport couldn’t be located in a more flat, desolate, and ugly area.
Hotch’s voice interrupted her internal monologue about brown grass and tumbleweeds.
“You’ve been a member of this team for almost a year. You don’t need to keep acting as though you’re on probation,” he told her.
Damn profilers.
She just nodded.
“I want you to come with me to the crime scene,” he said.
“Of course. I’ll give JJ my things to take back to the station.”
.oOo.As she walked the scene, Emily felt like she was in her element; her give-and-take with Hotch flowed naturally. There was one UnSub who viciously beat the parents to death while their children watched, only to be killed by a barbiturate overdose by the second UnSub. Emily sighed and shook her head, thinking that at least the UnSubs were merciful enough to kill the entire family.
Back at the station, they were updating the locals and other BAU agents regarding their findings from the crime scene.
“Hotch, there’s been another one.” JJ came into the room, interrupting the discussion about the profile. Emily was shocked when JJ added, “they’re sending an ambulance.”
“Ambulance?” Emily immediately rescinded her thoughts of gratitude towards the UnSubs for not leaving sole survivors.
When they found out it was a fifteen-year-old girl, Hotch assigned JJ and Emily to head to the hospital and talk with her. The hospital smell hit Emily as soon as they walked through the door. There were some days that she associated that smell with some of her worst memories: her abortion in Italy, sitting by her grandfather’s bedside as he lay dying of cancer, or being evaluated after a number of run-ins with an UnSub. There were other days however, when the smell of a hospital brought her hope: like when her cousin had her baby, when her mother found out that the lump was not cancerous, or when she got her appendix out and both her parents flew over from Italy to stay with her.
When Emily walked into the hospital room and saw a fifteen-year-old girl with dark hair, wearing a hospital gown, and sitting on the bed looking lost, she couldn’t help but be transported back Italy. But this girl wasn’t like Emily, she was there through no fault of her own except for coming from an idyllic nuclear family.
As Carrie told her story of what happened the night before, Emily let JJ take the comforting position in the chair next to the bed. Emily stood at the foot of the bed, which let her maintain the distance she needed to remain objective. While it didn’t happen often, there was the rare victim or even rarer suspect with whom Emily felt an inexplicable connection. Although this time it didn’t seem all that inexplicable that Emily identify with a scared fifteen-year-old who had just lost everyone she ever cared about.
Emily shook her head trying to clear her mind of those memories. She concentrated on the details of Carrie’s story: they called each other brother, one is Hispanic, used a dead cat. Because it would be the details that will help catch these UnSubs.
.oOo.
After spending the night thinking about Carrie, Emily’s heart broke even more the following morning when JJ informed her that Carrie’s family in L.A. declined to take her in. Apparently there were several aunts and uncles involved in a game of not it. Once again, Emily saw herself in the young teen; she had left Italy shortly after her sixteenth birthday and moved in with her uncle and his family. Certainly Emily’s circumstances were different from Carrie’s, but making that move after one of the most devastating times in her life was the hardest moves she ever made.
Before she got too far into her memories, Emily was yanked out of her thoughts by the screams of an obviously terrified girl. Carrie! Even though they had doubled her security, what if something happened anyway?
She and JJ ran to her room and found her in the throes of a nightmare. Emily was relieved that JJ took Carrie into her arms. She knew she was getting too close. She needed to step back. She closed her eyes and tried to re-center herself. When she opened them, she was drawn to the floral arrangement in the corner of the room. Purple crocuses.
She could suddenly smell the warm, faintly sweet fragrance that took her straight to the villa in Tuscany. Her mouth went dry, but her flashback was halted when she realized that she’d seen the exact same flower arrangement in the Ortiz’s living. That would be a hell of a coincidence. Hopefully it would be the coincidence they would need. Emily stepped out of the room, leaving JJ and Carrie so that she could let the rest of the team know about her finding and start Garcia on the techno-hunt for these UnSubs.
.oOo.
Emily’s hunch had been right, and their series of leads that came from following the flower arrangement had led the team to nine possible UnSubs. It was time to bring Carrie down to the station to make the ID. Emily went to pick her up from the foster family that she’d been placed with for the short-term.
“How are the Davises?” Emily asked as Carrie climbed into the SUV. “They seem nice.”
Carrie shrugged. “They don’t ask too many questions. Mrs. Davis made really good soup last night, and I get my own bedroom with an attached bathroom.”
Emily nodded.
“Is it going to be like this now?” Carrie asked. “Like, will I just live with them? Or will I live somewhere else? My best friend, Tina, is asking her mom if I can live with them.”
“I don’t know,” Emily told her. She thought about their case from Milwaukee. She could picture David Smith sitting in the police car, looking more lost and terrified than when he had been pointing her gun at her. Emily hadn’t thought about him since leaving the crime scene, but now she couldn’t help but wonder what happened to him. Did his mom come back? Did he go to live with relatives? Was he with a nice family eating good soup with an en suite bathroom?
These were usually the issues handled after the cases, after the UnSubs had been caught and they were on their way back to D.C. Emily had long stopped trying to imagine the aftermath for the victims’ families. There was no better way to drive herself crazy than if she tried to think in detail about the lives that were destroyed in the wake of each UnSub. She knew that the swathe of destruction was much wider than even what the team saw and that it continued to be cut even after the UnSub was caught, killed, or imprisoned.
She knew that JJ kept in touch with some of the families, getting updates on how they were coping; what was happening with court trials; and what had happened to the orphans, widows, widowers, and parents left behind. Emily could always tell when JJ had gotten one of those phone calls because her voice often went from exuberant to flat over the course of the initial silence. The corners of her mouth would start drooping, and if it was really bad, she would start pinching the bridge of her nose before the call had even ended. As soon as she was able, JJ would make her way to her office and not come out for a while. Seeing JJ’s reactions made Emily believe that not all that ends well stays well.
“You must see a lot of other kids like me, right? What happens to them?” Carrie asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily answered honestly. “I think most of the time kids end up living with a relative or foster family.”
“Do you ever see happy endings?” Carrie asked.
Emily could tell from Carrie’s tone of voice what she wanted her answer to be. But at the moment, all Emily saw were dead college students, the mutilated bodies Frank left behind, and a dead cop who was killed by an overly vigilant citizen. The image of Bobbi Baird popped into her mind. Bobbi survived. But the sound of Bobbi’s voice, taunting the UnSub before he died, reminded her that even the survivors were damaged.
“Sometimes,” Emily told her. “I know it seems hard to believe, but most people around here consider your survival to be a happy ending.”
Carrie was quiet for a moment. “They’re wrong.”
Emily nodded slightly. It wasn’t Emily’s place to disagree with Carrie on that point.
“I like to think about the happy endings for the people that we haven’t met,” Emily said after a few minutes of silence. “The ones whose lives won’t be touched by the UnSubs because they were caught before they could move on to their next victims.”
“So by helping, I could be saving someone else’s family?” Carrie asked.
“You’re helping more people than you can even think of,” Emily affirmed.
“That just means they have hurt more people than I can imagine, too.” Emily glanced over at Carrie, who was staring out the window.
“That doesn’t diminish the fact that you are strong, and your strength and courage are going to help us keep people safe.” Emily reached across the seat and squeezed Carrie’s hand.
Carrie nodded, but didn’t turn around. They rode the rest of the way to the police station in silence.
.oOo.
JJ met them in the lobby and took Carrie into one of the small offices to wait until they were ready for her to make the ID.
Emily was working with Hotch to set up the array of mug shots. Given the information Garcia had found, Emily was certain that one of these men was the UnSub. But what was it about the other eight men, who had similar experiences and similar access that kept them from being the UnSub. Was it simply a matter of time? Or have they changed?
Emily saw the elevator open and JJ and Carrie got out.
“Is she up for it?” Hotch asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily said. That wasn’t entirely true, Emily had a hunch Carrie was more than up for it.
“This one,” Carrie whispered softly, pointing to one of the pictures. Ervin Robles, who was employed by the Denver City Pound. Cats and pentobarbital. Hotch caught Emily’s eye before turning to leave. Before she took off to follow them, she put her arm around Carrie.
“Your parents would be really proud of you,” she told her.
“It’s too late to be a good daughter now.” Carrie’s voice was quiet and distant.
“Oh, that’s not true.” Emily’s only reasoning was that in her parents’ minds it was never too late to be a disappointment, so surely the reverse had to be true.
“I was horrible to them,” Carrie insisted. “And now they’re gone. Why did they do it? I mean there has to be a reason, right?”
“Oh, you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the reason.” Emily knew that to be a fact.
“I go crazy every time I close my eyes.”
“It may have something to do with what happened to them when they were younger.” It wasn’t much of an answer, but maybe it would help.
“Like what, they were abused or something?”
Probably something worse. “There’s a good chance.”
“Are there any happy families?” The question caught Emily off guard. She wanted to be able to tell Carrie, yes, there are happy families. There are houses with a mom and a dad who love each other and love and support their children, who were always well behaved and thoughtful.
Emily just didn’t know any of these families.
Emily saw JJ looking at her.
“There are happy families everywhere,” JJ said, approaching them. “And while it seems impossible now, there’s going to be a time when you’re happy again.”
“But I’m not going to have a family again,” Carrie responded in the same vacant voice as before.
JJ put her arm around Carrie, and Emily suddenly felt in the way, unable to offer any more optimism than the meager dose she had already given.
“I’m going to meet up with Hotch to go to the pound with them. I’ll let you know of any leads,” Emily promised.
.oOo.
Emily stared up at the ceiling of her hotel room. They were getting closer. They had Ervin. They had a plan to get Gary. But after being awake nearly two days straight, Hotch gave everyone strict orders to go back to the hotel and sleep. We have Ervin and we’re on our way to finding Gary. We’ll let the locals work tonight because if we’re going to take him down tomorrow, I need you all to be awake, alert, and on top of your game.
She squeezed her eyes closed in an attempt to at least accomplish the first two goals. As for being on top of her game, Emily couldn’t help but feel rattled by Carrie; she just couldn’t bear the thought that this bright young woman who had so much to look forward to, has suddenly hit a brick wall. She couldn’t help but think there was something she could do. Just as the inkling of an idea came to the edge of her thoughts, she heard a knock on the door.
“Em, it’s me, JJ,” the voice on the other side of the door called.
Emily opened the door to find JJ carrying an ice bucket with four beers. She smiled and let JJ into the room.
“Everyone talks about the great microbrews here, I figured we may as well partake,” JJ explained. “Reid swears this is the most balanced beer with regards to hops and malts.”
JJ handed Emily a bottle of Fat Tire. “Apparently that’s a good thing,” JJ told her.
They sat on Emily’s bed drinking their beers.
“So what’s up? Are you doing okay?” Emily asked.
“That’s funny. Because I come bearing brews as a way of asking you the same thing,” JJ said. “You seem… I don’t know… affected.”
“Don’t all these cases affect us in one way or another?” Emily asked. Her attempt at avoiding answering the question was obvious.
“Yup,” JJ agreed. “It’s just that this one seems to be getting to you in a way that some of our other cases don’t.”
“Did you come from one of those happy families?” Emily asked, ignoring both the question and the look that JJ gave her.
“For the most part,” JJ said. “But there’s only so much happiness you can have growing up in a town two thousand people.”
JJ took a long swig from her beer, and Emily waited for her to continue.
“Sometimes it feels like the first half of my childhood was happy because I didn’t really know any different,” JJ admitted. “And the second half
was happy because I spent my time trying to recapture the happiness I used to feel, as false as it might have been.”
“What happened to separate those halves?” Emily asked.
It was JJ’s turn to avoid answering a direct question. She just shrugged and took another sip of her beer.
“I never got the impression that you would have listed your family under the happy list,” JJ said.
Emily sighed and felt a lump rise in her throat. “That would be an understatement.”
She suddenly felt very exposed with that admission. Emily hated talking about her childhood. Because talking about it meant thinking about it. And thinking about it often left Emily feeling like the kindergartener who got punched every day or the twelve year old who tried so hard to fit in, but never did. But she was already thinking about her childhood, so what harm would it do to talk about it?
“How come?” JJ asked.
“I’m not sure that anyone who moved seven times to five countries before graduating high school would classify their childhood as happy,” Emily told her. “Though, shit, if they did, I want to meet them and find out what made their lives different than mine.”
“But didn’t travelling from country to country make you and your parents closer?” JJ asked. “Like you were all each other had?”
“Not really,” Emily said truthfully. She glanced at the beer bottle and saw it was almost empty. Even taking into account the altitude, Emily knew it wasn’t the alcohol doing the talking.
“My mother had countries to change; my father had medical equipment to sell. I had the nannies and housekeepers that my parents paid to care about me, so they wouldn’t have to.”
“Mostly I think I got in the way,” Emily admitted.
“I can’t imagine that’s true,” JJ said. “Why do you say that?”
Because the one time I really needed my parents support, they sent me away to live with family in the U.S. Because every time that it mattered and even when it didn’t, my parents chose politics and business over me. But mostly I know because my mother told me so.
“I don’t usually talk about this.” Emily took another drink of her beer to avoid saying anything else.
“I know,” JJ said. “Somehow I’ve always gotten the impression that there isn’t a single person in the world that knows all your secrets.”
“Well, are there people who know all of yours?” Emily asked, feeling her face get flushed. “I mean, you did a bit of question-dodging yourself.”
“That’s true. And yes there are,” JJ told her.
Emily glanced at JJ and wondered who those people were. She wondered if she would ever be one of them. She wondered if one day JJ would know all her secrets.
“But I figured if I plied you with enough alcohol, you’d open up about stuff,” JJ said.
Her tone of voice caught Emily off guard. Emily wasn’t used to having someone who was that concerned about her. JJ’s expression was warm and open, and for a brief moment, Emily pictured how easy it would be to open up to JJ. And a brief moment after that, she realized how bad an idea that would be.
“That’s awfully cocky of you,” Emily joked, trying to halt her introspection.
JJ took her hand, and suddenly Emily had that same warm feeling she had in the car the night she saw Fame. The night that Alice held her hand. The night she always thought about in reference to the first inkling she had about her sexuality.
The same warm, fuzzy feeling that often led to other feelings, which sometimes led to the sharing of those feelings, which eventually led to the sharing of other things. Sadly, it was that sharing that usually just led to the demise of the relationship.
Emily pulled her hand back and started peeling away the label from the beer bottle. That warm, fuzzy feeling cannot come from being with JJ.
“Em?” JJ was looking at her, a confused expression on her face. “Is everything okay? I didn’t mean to push you into talking about something uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t,” Emily assured her.
“Well, actually you did, but it’s okay,” Emily said, changing her mind. “But I’m tired and I just don’t know if now’s the time to delve into my childhood.”
“Or yours,” she added remembering JJ’s earlier abrupt change in subject.
“That’s probably true,” JJ agreed. “Plus, we’re out of beer.”
Emily smiled. “Maybe we can go out for a few once we’re back in D.C.” She immediately regretted the suggestion. What if JJ thought she was asking her on a date? Don’t be ridiculous, she thought to herself. If a friend brings another friend beer in her hotel room, said friend can reciprocate by offering to get more beer at another time without the first friend thinking something was up. Damn those warm, fuzzy feelings for messing things up.
“That sounds great. But you still haven’t told me what’s bothering you about this case,” JJ pointed out.
“Nothing in particular, I’m just tired. It’s been a long few days.” Emily could see the questioning expression on JJ’s face, and she knew she hadn’t convinced her. “I worry about Carrie.”
“Carrie’s going to be okay,” JJ said. “I’m still in touch with the family in L.A. and I’m sure that something will work out for her.”
Emily nodded.
“You sure you’re okay?” JJ asked, the concern evident on her face.
Emily nodded again. “I just want to close this case.”
“We all do,” JJ agreed. “Hopefully tomorrow. Well, later today,” she added after looking at the clock.
“Sleep well, Em,” JJ said, patting her on the arm.
“You too.” Emily opened the door to let JJ out of the room. “Thanks for the beer. And for letting me know there are happy families out there.”
As soon as the door was closed, Emily balled her hands into fists, and she squeezed her eyes tight as though that would banish the thoughts about JJ that managed to work their way into her mind.
It must have been the beer. Or the altitude.
Surely Reid had some statistics about decreased oxygen pressures causing crossed signals in the brain that led one to confuse feelings of friendship with something more.
.oOo.
As Emily stood there with her gun trained on a terrified thirteen-year-old boy, she couldn’t help but think of how many unhappy endings this case had. There were so many moments over the last few days that ate at her. Emily was past the point of even trying to analyze why she connected so strongly to Carrie, but she did.
She stood there with her gun trained on a boy who was supposed to be protected by the very people who hurt him. Who hurt generations of foster children that grew up in that house. Would Carrie end up like them?
She felt like she could breathe again when she saw Morgan take Tyler into his arms. The pit in her stomach started to loosen as she holstered her gun.
And that’s when it occurred to her. She could take Carrie. She had often thought of being a mom, but knew that it would never be in the cards for her. Should never be in the cards. Her reasons why she would be an inadequate mother were similar to the list that she had come up with when she was fifteen. What frightened her most was the idea that she would raise someone who would turn out like her. After all, how could she build a foundation of love, trust, and confidence for a child when she had no frame of reference? She felt like all she had was a long list of what not to do.
But Carrie already had fifteen years of a good foundation, all Emily would need to do would be to top it off for the next few years until she went away to college. She had room in her condo, and she had enough money to support Carrie.
When they got back to the station, Emily pulled JJ aside.
“Any word from Carrie’s family?” she asked.
JJ shook her head. “I’m waiting to hear back from one of her aunts who has apparently been in Mexico and pretty much unreachable.”
“What’s going to happen to her?” Emily asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. Never let someone know how much something means to you.
“She’ll probably stay with the Davises until something more permanent works out,” JJ answered. “You know how the system works, Em, why all these questions?”
Emily shook her head and shrugged. “No reason. I was just thinking about if there was something I could do.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, I hadn’t really gotten that far,” Emily answered. “It just seems like such a horrible system.”
“It is,” JJ agreed. “What’s going on, Em?
“Nothing, I’m overthinking things. I should get over to the work area and help Hotch put things away so that we can just get out of here,” Emily said, looking for an out of this conversation before she said too much.
“You’re not thinking about…” JJ’s sentence trailed off. She shook her head. “Never mind. Go help Hotch, and I’ll go get everything from the hotel.”
Emily nodded and walked down the hall to where Hotch was piling the paperwork. She was relieved to see that he was alone in the room. They took to the task of organizing things in silence. She actually jumped when Hotch’s phone rang.
“I see,” he said after a long pause. “That’s too bad. It seemed like it would work out. I’ll let Nellis know.”
Emily focused on taking the pictures down from the board. Was that JJ calling about Carrie? Did the family in L.A. fall through? She mulled it over for a few more minutes.
“I could take her,” Emily mentioned, trying to sound casual as she mentioned her superficial reasoning of why she should Carrie. Money, space…
She looked up and saw Hotch’s furrowed eyebrows and already knew his response.
“This is the job and I need to know that you can be objective,” he said.
She was sick of being objective, detached. For the first time in a long time she felt like she connected with someone. Both JJ and Carrie. JJ was a connection that she was going to have to break, but her connection with Carrie was one that she could strengthen. She had something to offer her.
“I need to know that I can be human,” she said quietly.
“JJ heard from the family and they’re on their way from L.A,” Hotch told her.
Why couldn’t he have mentioned that in the first place?
“Oh…” This was not the time to sound disappointed. Never let someone know how much something means to you. “That’s great.” Her enthusiasm sounded forced even to her own ears.
“She’s going to have to move to a new foster home until the aunt in L.A. is ready to take her, but it sounds like she’ll able to head out there in the next few weeks,” Hotch told her.
That must have been the part that wasn’t going to work out. Emily forced herself to smile.
“Really, that’s great. I’m glad that it worked out for her to be with family. That’s definitely for the best,” Emily said, hoping that she sounded convincing. Because she was happy that Carrie would be with family. And she knew that it would be better for Carrie to be with family than to be with her.
Hotch was right. She needed to stay objective. These last few days would have been a lot easier if she had just stayed objective. She couldn’t wait to get back to D.C. and take a hot enough bath to make her forget that she had even considered this idea. Because when it came down to it, she really didn’t have anything to offer someone except money and accommodations.
.oOo.
Emily sat staring out the window of the plane. She silently agreed with Morgan when he expressed his hopes for a fully restocked bar, despite the fact that at this point alcohol would just make her maudlin. She just needed to get home, take a hot bath, and forget about the last few days.
JJ sat down in the seat across from her and Emily could feel JJ looking at her. She just kept looking out the window, not really wanting to talk. At least JJ didn’t know about her thoughts about taking Carrie in.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” Emily said hoping that if she looked JJ in the eye, her claim would sound convincing.
“They’re good people, Carrie’s family,” JJ said, clearly trying to reassure her.
Shit. So not only was she not convincing, but Hotch told JJ. Why would Hotch talk to JJ about this? Was this their version of an intervention?
“Good, I’m glad.” Surely that was convincing.
After a few moments of silence, JJ broke through Emily’s thoughts again. “I think it’s a good idea though.”
“What’s that?” Emily was genuinely confused.
“You. Kids,” JJ answered. “I can see it.”
“Yeah?” Emily asked. Did JJ really mean that?
JJ nodded as she nibbled on her thumb. That warm, fuzzy feeling returned, and Emily looked out the window to avoid looking at JJ.
Emily contemplated JJ’s words. Was she saying that because she really believed it? Was she just trying to make Emily feel better? There was something almost flirtatious about the way JJ said it. Or was that just Emily’s subconscious hope?
“Thanks,” Emily said softly, looking back over to JJ. Because even though she didn’t want them to, JJ’s words still meant something to her.
Emily wanted to ask JJ why. Why did she think it was a good idea that Emily have kids? What was her assertion based on? And if it was simply based on the persona Emily let JJ see. Because if JJ knew the real Emily, there would surely be no way she would believe that.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. Consider me not fooled. Matthew’s words played in her mind. That was Emily’s fear: being figured out, someone seeing through her façade, someone getting to know the real Emily. Because Emily hurt everyone she opened up to. Matthew. Sophie. Declan.
She couldn’t do that to JJ. Fuzzy, warm feelings or not, she couldn’t do that to JJ. She would protect JJ from the pain Emily brought to every relationship she had.
Emily refused to acknowledge that the person she was really trying to protect herself.
Chapter 10
How it started... Chapter 1
Author: Dr. B
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: FRT
Summary: Being an undercover agent seemed like the obvious choice; Emily had spent her childhood pretending to be someone she wasn’t in order to please her politician parents or to survive always being the new kid at school. After her last undercover assignment, Emily was transferred to the BAU - no cover necessary. As she tries to adjust and simply be herself she realizes that she’s no longer sure who Emily Prentiss really is.
Many thanks to nikonic for the beta.
2007 - Denver, CO
As Emily stared at the crime scene photos, she felt a strange sense of nostalgia for a family she never had.
“PTA moms, grey flannel dads - these guys are killing the Cleavers,” she commented.
“Makes you wonder how the writers really felt about suburbia,” Reid mused after commenting on the irony of the name given to an iconic suburban family.
Emily decided it was neither the time nor place to get into an etymology debate with Reid by pointing out that one of the meanings of cleave is to stick close by and remain faithful.
Emily had always longed for the suburbs. She didn’t need a psychology degree to realize why her favorite TV shows were The Partridge Family, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and The Facts of Life. Well, that last one had less to do with family dynamics and more to do with Jo. Emily stifled a small smile and realized that she had fallen a few beats behind while the team was continuing to spitball ideas about motive.
“Class-based uprising? Helter-Skelter?” As soon as she said those words, she knew they weren’t right. Morgan’s quick interjection about the lack of graffiti and messages let her know just how not right her thought was. Hotch’s furrowed eyebrows directed right at her didn’t help matters.
She had been back on the team for almost two months since her resignation and she hadn’t really felt on her game since her encounter with Strauss. She knew she should feel relieved that Hotch had sought her out, convinced her to return for the Milwaukee case, and then stood up for her to both Chief Strauss and Director Clements. He didn’t have to do that. He had obviously solved the mystery of the missing transfer papers. He knew she had never been hired based on her professional merits; she was hired to be a political pawn, not a profiler.
Hotch knew. Emily wasn’t sure how much the rest of the team knew. But Hotch knew everything. Even with that knowledge, he put his career on the line to keep her on the team. She was embarrassed to admit how much that meant to her. She recalled saying something to him on the plane back from Milwaukee: not the details, but that it was something overly effusive. Probably something she would say only under the influence of a closed head injury.
Despite the knowledge that Hotch made the active move of getting her back on the team, she still worried that any misstep could land her back to being unemployed. Or worse, St. Louis.
She walked down the tarmac and remembered why she hated flying in Denver. For all the beauty of the Rocky Mountains, the airport couldn’t be located in a more flat, desolate, and ugly area.
Hotch’s voice interrupted her internal monologue about brown grass and tumbleweeds.
“You’ve been a member of this team for almost a year. You don’t need to keep acting as though you’re on probation,” he told her.
Damn profilers.
She just nodded.
“I want you to come with me to the crime scene,” he said.
“Of course. I’ll give JJ my things to take back to the station.”
.oOo.As she walked the scene, Emily felt like she was in her element; her give-and-take with Hotch flowed naturally. There was one UnSub who viciously beat the parents to death while their children watched, only to be killed by a barbiturate overdose by the second UnSub. Emily sighed and shook her head, thinking that at least the UnSubs were merciful enough to kill the entire family.
Back at the station, they were updating the locals and other BAU agents regarding their findings from the crime scene.
“Hotch, there’s been another one.” JJ came into the room, interrupting the discussion about the profile. Emily was shocked when JJ added, “they’re sending an ambulance.”
“Ambulance?” Emily immediately rescinded her thoughts of gratitude towards the UnSubs for not leaving sole survivors.
When they found out it was a fifteen-year-old girl, Hotch assigned JJ and Emily to head to the hospital and talk with her. The hospital smell hit Emily as soon as they walked through the door. There were some days that she associated that smell with some of her worst memories: her abortion in Italy, sitting by her grandfather’s bedside as he lay dying of cancer, or being evaluated after a number of run-ins with an UnSub. There were other days however, when the smell of a hospital brought her hope: like when her cousin had her baby, when her mother found out that the lump was not cancerous, or when she got her appendix out and both her parents flew over from Italy to stay with her.
When Emily walked into the hospital room and saw a fifteen-year-old girl with dark hair, wearing a hospital gown, and sitting on the bed looking lost, she couldn’t help but be transported back Italy. But this girl wasn’t like Emily, she was there through no fault of her own except for coming from an idyllic nuclear family.
As Carrie told her story of what happened the night before, Emily let JJ take the comforting position in the chair next to the bed. Emily stood at the foot of the bed, which let her maintain the distance she needed to remain objective. While it didn’t happen often, there was the rare victim or even rarer suspect with whom Emily felt an inexplicable connection. Although this time it didn’t seem all that inexplicable that Emily identify with a scared fifteen-year-old who had just lost everyone she ever cared about.
Emily shook her head trying to clear her mind of those memories. She concentrated on the details of Carrie’s story: they called each other brother, one is Hispanic, used a dead cat. Because it would be the details that will help catch these UnSubs.
.oOo.
After spending the night thinking about Carrie, Emily’s heart broke even more the following morning when JJ informed her that Carrie’s family in L.A. declined to take her in. Apparently there were several aunts and uncles involved in a game of not it. Once again, Emily saw herself in the young teen; she had left Italy shortly after her sixteenth birthday and moved in with her uncle and his family. Certainly Emily’s circumstances were different from Carrie’s, but making that move after one of the most devastating times in her life was the hardest moves she ever made.
Before she got too far into her memories, Emily was yanked out of her thoughts by the screams of an obviously terrified girl. Carrie! Even though they had doubled her security, what if something happened anyway?
She and JJ ran to her room and found her in the throes of a nightmare. Emily was relieved that JJ took Carrie into her arms. She knew she was getting too close. She needed to step back. She closed her eyes and tried to re-center herself. When she opened them, she was drawn to the floral arrangement in the corner of the room. Purple crocuses.
She could suddenly smell the warm, faintly sweet fragrance that took her straight to the villa in Tuscany. Her mouth went dry, but her flashback was halted when she realized that she’d seen the exact same flower arrangement in the Ortiz’s living. That would be a hell of a coincidence. Hopefully it would be the coincidence they would need. Emily stepped out of the room, leaving JJ and Carrie so that she could let the rest of the team know about her finding and start Garcia on the techno-hunt for these UnSubs.
.oOo.
Emily’s hunch had been right, and their series of leads that came from following the flower arrangement had led the team to nine possible UnSubs. It was time to bring Carrie down to the station to make the ID. Emily went to pick her up from the foster family that she’d been placed with for the short-term.
“How are the Davises?” Emily asked as Carrie climbed into the SUV. “They seem nice.”
Carrie shrugged. “They don’t ask too many questions. Mrs. Davis made really good soup last night, and I get my own bedroom with an attached bathroom.”
Emily nodded.
“Is it going to be like this now?” Carrie asked. “Like, will I just live with them? Or will I live somewhere else? My best friend, Tina, is asking her mom if I can live with them.”
“I don’t know,” Emily told her. She thought about their case from Milwaukee. She could picture David Smith sitting in the police car, looking more lost and terrified than when he had been pointing her gun at her. Emily hadn’t thought about him since leaving the crime scene, but now she couldn’t help but wonder what happened to him. Did his mom come back? Did he go to live with relatives? Was he with a nice family eating good soup with an en suite bathroom?
These were usually the issues handled after the cases, after the UnSubs had been caught and they were on their way back to D.C. Emily had long stopped trying to imagine the aftermath for the victims’ families. There was no better way to drive herself crazy than if she tried to think in detail about the lives that were destroyed in the wake of each UnSub. She knew that the swathe of destruction was much wider than even what the team saw and that it continued to be cut even after the UnSub was caught, killed, or imprisoned.
She knew that JJ kept in touch with some of the families, getting updates on how they were coping; what was happening with court trials; and what had happened to the orphans, widows, widowers, and parents left behind. Emily could always tell when JJ had gotten one of those phone calls because her voice often went from exuberant to flat over the course of the initial silence. The corners of her mouth would start drooping, and if it was really bad, she would start pinching the bridge of her nose before the call had even ended. As soon as she was able, JJ would make her way to her office and not come out for a while. Seeing JJ’s reactions made Emily believe that not all that ends well stays well.
“You must see a lot of other kids like me, right? What happens to them?” Carrie asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily answered honestly. “I think most of the time kids end up living with a relative or foster family.”
“Do you ever see happy endings?” Carrie asked.
Emily could tell from Carrie’s tone of voice what she wanted her answer to be. But at the moment, all Emily saw were dead college students, the mutilated bodies Frank left behind, and a dead cop who was killed by an overly vigilant citizen. The image of Bobbi Baird popped into her mind. Bobbi survived. But the sound of Bobbi’s voice, taunting the UnSub before he died, reminded her that even the survivors were damaged.
“Sometimes,” Emily told her. “I know it seems hard to believe, but most people around here consider your survival to be a happy ending.”
Carrie was quiet for a moment. “They’re wrong.”
Emily nodded slightly. It wasn’t Emily’s place to disagree with Carrie on that point.
“I like to think about the happy endings for the people that we haven’t met,” Emily said after a few minutes of silence. “The ones whose lives won’t be touched by the UnSubs because they were caught before they could move on to their next victims.”
“So by helping, I could be saving someone else’s family?” Carrie asked.
“You’re helping more people than you can even think of,” Emily affirmed.
“That just means they have hurt more people than I can imagine, too.” Emily glanced over at Carrie, who was staring out the window.
“That doesn’t diminish the fact that you are strong, and your strength and courage are going to help us keep people safe.” Emily reached across the seat and squeezed Carrie’s hand.
Carrie nodded, but didn’t turn around. They rode the rest of the way to the police station in silence.
.oOo.
JJ met them in the lobby and took Carrie into one of the small offices to wait until they were ready for her to make the ID.
Emily was working with Hotch to set up the array of mug shots. Given the information Garcia had found, Emily was certain that one of these men was the UnSub. But what was it about the other eight men, who had similar experiences and similar access that kept them from being the UnSub. Was it simply a matter of time? Or have they changed?
Emily saw the elevator open and JJ and Carrie got out.
“Is she up for it?” Hotch asked.
“I don’t know,” Emily said. That wasn’t entirely true, Emily had a hunch Carrie was more than up for it.
“This one,” Carrie whispered softly, pointing to one of the pictures. Ervin Robles, who was employed by the Denver City Pound. Cats and pentobarbital. Hotch caught Emily’s eye before turning to leave. Before she took off to follow them, she put her arm around Carrie.
“Your parents would be really proud of you,” she told her.
“It’s too late to be a good daughter now.” Carrie’s voice was quiet and distant.
“Oh, that’s not true.” Emily’s only reasoning was that in her parents’ minds it was never too late to be a disappointment, so surely the reverse had to be true.
“I was horrible to them,” Carrie insisted. “And now they’re gone. Why did they do it? I mean there has to be a reason, right?”
“Oh, you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the reason.” Emily knew that to be a fact.
“I go crazy every time I close my eyes.”
“It may have something to do with what happened to them when they were younger.” It wasn’t much of an answer, but maybe it would help.
“Like what, they were abused or something?”
Probably something worse. “There’s a good chance.”
“Are there any happy families?” The question caught Emily off guard. She wanted to be able to tell Carrie, yes, there are happy families. There are houses with a mom and a dad who love each other and love and support their children, who were always well behaved and thoughtful.
Emily just didn’t know any of these families.
Emily saw JJ looking at her.
“There are happy families everywhere,” JJ said, approaching them. “And while it seems impossible now, there’s going to be a time when you’re happy again.”
“But I’m not going to have a family again,” Carrie responded in the same vacant voice as before.
JJ put her arm around Carrie, and Emily suddenly felt in the way, unable to offer any more optimism than the meager dose she had already given.
“I’m going to meet up with Hotch to go to the pound with them. I’ll let you know of any leads,” Emily promised.
.oOo.
Emily stared up at the ceiling of her hotel room. They were getting closer. They had Ervin. They had a plan to get Gary. But after being awake nearly two days straight, Hotch gave everyone strict orders to go back to the hotel and sleep. We have Ervin and we’re on our way to finding Gary. We’ll let the locals work tonight because if we’re going to take him down tomorrow, I need you all to be awake, alert, and on top of your game.
She squeezed her eyes closed in an attempt to at least accomplish the first two goals. As for being on top of her game, Emily couldn’t help but feel rattled by Carrie; she just couldn’t bear the thought that this bright young woman who had so much to look forward to, has suddenly hit a brick wall. She couldn’t help but think there was something she could do. Just as the inkling of an idea came to the edge of her thoughts, she heard a knock on the door.
“Em, it’s me, JJ,” the voice on the other side of the door called.
Emily opened the door to find JJ carrying an ice bucket with four beers. She smiled and let JJ into the room.
“Everyone talks about the great microbrews here, I figured we may as well partake,” JJ explained. “Reid swears this is the most balanced beer with regards to hops and malts.”
JJ handed Emily a bottle of Fat Tire. “Apparently that’s a good thing,” JJ told her.
They sat on Emily’s bed drinking their beers.
“So what’s up? Are you doing okay?” Emily asked.
“That’s funny. Because I come bearing brews as a way of asking you the same thing,” JJ said. “You seem… I don’t know… affected.”
“Don’t all these cases affect us in one way or another?” Emily asked. Her attempt at avoiding answering the question was obvious.
“Yup,” JJ agreed. “It’s just that this one seems to be getting to you in a way that some of our other cases don’t.”
“Did you come from one of those happy families?” Emily asked, ignoring both the question and the look that JJ gave her.
“For the most part,” JJ said. “But there’s only so much happiness you can have growing up in a town two thousand people.”
JJ took a long swig from her beer, and Emily waited for her to continue.
“Sometimes it feels like the first half of my childhood was happy because I didn’t really know any different,” JJ admitted. “And the second half
was happy because I spent my time trying to recapture the happiness I used to feel, as false as it might have been.”
“What happened to separate those halves?” Emily asked.
It was JJ’s turn to avoid answering a direct question. She just shrugged and took another sip of her beer.
“I never got the impression that you would have listed your family under the happy list,” JJ said.
Emily sighed and felt a lump rise in her throat. “That would be an understatement.”
She suddenly felt very exposed with that admission. Emily hated talking about her childhood. Because talking about it meant thinking about it. And thinking about it often left Emily feeling like the kindergartener who got punched every day or the twelve year old who tried so hard to fit in, but never did. But she was already thinking about her childhood, so what harm would it do to talk about it?
“How come?” JJ asked.
“I’m not sure that anyone who moved seven times to five countries before graduating high school would classify their childhood as happy,” Emily told her. “Though, shit, if they did, I want to meet them and find out what made their lives different than mine.”
“But didn’t travelling from country to country make you and your parents closer?” JJ asked. “Like you were all each other had?”
“Not really,” Emily said truthfully. She glanced at the beer bottle and saw it was almost empty. Even taking into account the altitude, Emily knew it wasn’t the alcohol doing the talking.
“My mother had countries to change; my father had medical equipment to sell. I had the nannies and housekeepers that my parents paid to care about me, so they wouldn’t have to.”
“Mostly I think I got in the way,” Emily admitted.
“I can’t imagine that’s true,” JJ said. “Why do you say that?”
Because the one time I really needed my parents support, they sent me away to live with family in the U.S. Because every time that it mattered and even when it didn’t, my parents chose politics and business over me. But mostly I know because my mother told me so.
“I don’t usually talk about this.” Emily took another drink of her beer to avoid saying anything else.
“I know,” JJ said. “Somehow I’ve always gotten the impression that there isn’t a single person in the world that knows all your secrets.”
“Well, are there people who know all of yours?” Emily asked, feeling her face get flushed. “I mean, you did a bit of question-dodging yourself.”
“That’s true. And yes there are,” JJ told her.
Emily glanced at JJ and wondered who those people were. She wondered if she would ever be one of them. She wondered if one day JJ would know all her secrets.
“But I figured if I plied you with enough alcohol, you’d open up about stuff,” JJ said.
Her tone of voice caught Emily off guard. Emily wasn’t used to having someone who was that concerned about her. JJ’s expression was warm and open, and for a brief moment, Emily pictured how easy it would be to open up to JJ. And a brief moment after that, she realized how bad an idea that would be.
“That’s awfully cocky of you,” Emily joked, trying to halt her introspection.
JJ took her hand, and suddenly Emily had that same warm feeling she had in the car the night she saw Fame. The night that Alice held her hand. The night she always thought about in reference to the first inkling she had about her sexuality.
The same warm, fuzzy feeling that often led to other feelings, which sometimes led to the sharing of those feelings, which eventually led to the sharing of other things. Sadly, it was that sharing that usually just led to the demise of the relationship.
Emily pulled her hand back and started peeling away the label from the beer bottle. That warm, fuzzy feeling cannot come from being with JJ.
“Em?” JJ was looking at her, a confused expression on her face. “Is everything okay? I didn’t mean to push you into talking about something uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t,” Emily assured her.
“Well, actually you did, but it’s okay,” Emily said, changing her mind. “But I’m tired and I just don’t know if now’s the time to delve into my childhood.”
“Or yours,” she added remembering JJ’s earlier abrupt change in subject.
“That’s probably true,” JJ agreed. “Plus, we’re out of beer.”
Emily smiled. “Maybe we can go out for a few once we’re back in D.C.” She immediately regretted the suggestion. What if JJ thought she was asking her on a date? Don’t be ridiculous, she thought to herself. If a friend brings another friend beer in her hotel room, said friend can reciprocate by offering to get more beer at another time without the first friend thinking something was up. Damn those warm, fuzzy feelings for messing things up.
“That sounds great. But you still haven’t told me what’s bothering you about this case,” JJ pointed out.
“Nothing in particular, I’m just tired. It’s been a long few days.” Emily could see the questioning expression on JJ’s face, and she knew she hadn’t convinced her. “I worry about Carrie.”
“Carrie’s going to be okay,” JJ said. “I’m still in touch with the family in L.A. and I’m sure that something will work out for her.”
Emily nodded.
“You sure you’re okay?” JJ asked, the concern evident on her face.
Emily nodded again. “I just want to close this case.”
“We all do,” JJ agreed. “Hopefully tomorrow. Well, later today,” she added after looking at the clock.
“Sleep well, Em,” JJ said, patting her on the arm.
“You too.” Emily opened the door to let JJ out of the room. “Thanks for the beer. And for letting me know there are happy families out there.”
As soon as the door was closed, Emily balled her hands into fists, and she squeezed her eyes tight as though that would banish the thoughts about JJ that managed to work their way into her mind.
It must have been the beer. Or the altitude.
Surely Reid had some statistics about decreased oxygen pressures causing crossed signals in the brain that led one to confuse feelings of friendship with something more.
.oOo.
As Emily stood there with her gun trained on a terrified thirteen-year-old boy, she couldn’t help but think of how many unhappy endings this case had. There were so many moments over the last few days that ate at her. Emily was past the point of even trying to analyze why she connected so strongly to Carrie, but she did.
She stood there with her gun trained on a boy who was supposed to be protected by the very people who hurt him. Who hurt generations of foster children that grew up in that house. Would Carrie end up like them?
She felt like she could breathe again when she saw Morgan take Tyler into his arms. The pit in her stomach started to loosen as she holstered her gun.
And that’s when it occurred to her. She could take Carrie. She had often thought of being a mom, but knew that it would never be in the cards for her. Should never be in the cards. Her reasons why she would be an inadequate mother were similar to the list that she had come up with when she was fifteen. What frightened her most was the idea that she would raise someone who would turn out like her. After all, how could she build a foundation of love, trust, and confidence for a child when she had no frame of reference? She felt like all she had was a long list of what not to do.
But Carrie already had fifteen years of a good foundation, all Emily would need to do would be to top it off for the next few years until she went away to college. She had room in her condo, and she had enough money to support Carrie.
When they got back to the station, Emily pulled JJ aside.
“Any word from Carrie’s family?” she asked.
JJ shook her head. “I’m waiting to hear back from one of her aunts who has apparently been in Mexico and pretty much unreachable.”
“What’s going to happen to her?” Emily asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. Never let someone know how much something means to you.
“She’ll probably stay with the Davises until something more permanent works out,” JJ answered. “You know how the system works, Em, why all these questions?”
Emily shook her head and shrugged. “No reason. I was just thinking about if there was something I could do.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know, I hadn’t really gotten that far,” Emily answered. “It just seems like such a horrible system.”
“It is,” JJ agreed. “What’s going on, Em?
“Nothing, I’m overthinking things. I should get over to the work area and help Hotch put things away so that we can just get out of here,” Emily said, looking for an out of this conversation before she said too much.
“You’re not thinking about…” JJ’s sentence trailed off. She shook her head. “Never mind. Go help Hotch, and I’ll go get everything from the hotel.”
Emily nodded and walked down the hall to where Hotch was piling the paperwork. She was relieved to see that he was alone in the room. They took to the task of organizing things in silence. She actually jumped when Hotch’s phone rang.
“I see,” he said after a long pause. “That’s too bad. It seemed like it would work out. I’ll let Nellis know.”
Emily focused on taking the pictures down from the board. Was that JJ calling about Carrie? Did the family in L.A. fall through? She mulled it over for a few more minutes.
“I could take her,” Emily mentioned, trying to sound casual as she mentioned her superficial reasoning of why she should Carrie. Money, space…
She looked up and saw Hotch’s furrowed eyebrows and already knew his response.
“This is the job and I need to know that you can be objective,” he said.
She was sick of being objective, detached. For the first time in a long time she felt like she connected with someone. Both JJ and Carrie. JJ was a connection that she was going to have to break, but her connection with Carrie was one that she could strengthen. She had something to offer her.
“I need to know that I can be human,” she said quietly.
“JJ heard from the family and they’re on their way from L.A,” Hotch told her.
Why couldn’t he have mentioned that in the first place?
“Oh…” This was not the time to sound disappointed. Never let someone know how much something means to you. “That’s great.” Her enthusiasm sounded forced even to her own ears.
“She’s going to have to move to a new foster home until the aunt in L.A. is ready to take her, but it sounds like she’ll able to head out there in the next few weeks,” Hotch told her.
That must have been the part that wasn’t going to work out. Emily forced herself to smile.
“Really, that’s great. I’m glad that it worked out for her to be with family. That’s definitely for the best,” Emily said, hoping that she sounded convincing. Because she was happy that Carrie would be with family. And she knew that it would be better for Carrie to be with family than to be with her.
Hotch was right. She needed to stay objective. These last few days would have been a lot easier if she had just stayed objective. She couldn’t wait to get back to D.C. and take a hot enough bath to make her forget that she had even considered this idea. Because when it came down to it, she really didn’t have anything to offer someone except money and accommodations.
.oOo.
Emily sat staring out the window of the plane. She silently agreed with Morgan when he expressed his hopes for a fully restocked bar, despite the fact that at this point alcohol would just make her maudlin. She just needed to get home, take a hot bath, and forget about the last few days.
JJ sat down in the seat across from her and Emily could feel JJ looking at her. She just kept looking out the window, not really wanting to talk. At least JJ didn’t know about her thoughts about taking Carrie in.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” Emily said hoping that if she looked JJ in the eye, her claim would sound convincing.
“They’re good people, Carrie’s family,” JJ said, clearly trying to reassure her.
Shit. So not only was she not convincing, but Hotch told JJ. Why would Hotch talk to JJ about this? Was this their version of an intervention?
“Good, I’m glad.” Surely that was convincing.
After a few moments of silence, JJ broke through Emily’s thoughts again. “I think it’s a good idea though.”
“What’s that?” Emily was genuinely confused.
“You. Kids,” JJ answered. “I can see it.”
“Yeah?” Emily asked. Did JJ really mean that?
JJ nodded as she nibbled on her thumb. That warm, fuzzy feeling returned, and Emily looked out the window to avoid looking at JJ.
Emily contemplated JJ’s words. Was she saying that because she really believed it? Was she just trying to make Emily feel better? There was something almost flirtatious about the way JJ said it. Or was that just Emily’s subconscious hope?
“Thanks,” Emily said softly, looking back over to JJ. Because even though she didn’t want them to, JJ’s words still meant something to her.
Emily wanted to ask JJ why. Why did she think it was a good idea that Emily have kids? What was her assertion based on? And if it was simply based on the persona Emily let JJ see. Because if JJ knew the real Emily, there would surely be no way she would believe that.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. Consider me not fooled. Matthew’s words played in her mind. That was Emily’s fear: being figured out, someone seeing through her façade, someone getting to know the real Emily. Because Emily hurt everyone she opened up to. Matthew. Sophie. Declan.
She couldn’t do that to JJ. Fuzzy, warm feelings or not, she couldn’t do that to JJ. She would protect JJ from the pain Emily brought to every relationship she had.
Emily refused to acknowledge that the person she was really trying to protect herself.
Chapter 10
How it started... Chapter 1