why am i so confused.....?
i seem to be spending more and more timeswinging between my moods, i sort of understand why on some levels but i don't understand where the actions for these changes are comming from. its like i can't control where my mind goes within itself. so what have i been doing well i changed the journal layout again but i like it this time and this is how it's likely to stay. on a random note wondering why LJ doesn't support 24 hr time or time relitive to GMT it would be nice to see things as time relitive to other things.
been looking over my new favorite subject but also most loathed in some ways, foundations of psychology, its interesting in a lot of ways but its all new to me and i'm finding this to be a very big hurdle, i'm used to having a good understanding of a subject before i start it well outside of programming.
i've been going to group for a while now and it's hard what to make of it. between being tempted to tear ppl's arms off and beat them to death with the wet end because i'm sick of being patronised to being bored going over the same thing again and again to occasionaly doing a few good things it ok i guess but it seems to be a big draw on my time and other resources.
on the work front things are good, no i don't have a paying job but i do do my volunteer work at the local neighbourhood centre and enjoy it and find that satisfying. in fact i think that going there and trying to do my uni is all that keeps me going alot of the time. i've stoped going to trivia almost completely, not because i don't enjoy it but i can't bring myself to those scocial situations that much which is a pitty, i''m doing ok most of the time with the whole being with friends thing and i guess thats a plus but even that is proving a drain. my battles with centrelink continue but there is light at the end of the tunnel and maybe in 2 months there will be a defintie change for the better, don't want to get my hopes up because thats a sure way to jinx it from happening and i don't know if i will take that sort of setback well, it depends on how i'm going at that point in time.
is it posible to hate the fact that you love someone? that you let someone in and they betray that trust with the very thing you gave them to protect them? have that person turn you on and off more than a half dead neon sign? make you wish that you had never been the nice guy, the one intouch with their emotions the one willing to care? i don't want to shut everyone out but it seems more and more the only way to be the only answer to stoping the pain, i know its not healthy but at lest it works most of the time. i hate the fact that i feel like i'm going backwards but i don't know how to stop that and still do all the other things i'm trying to do. maybe i am trying to do too much but any less makes me bored and leads to more selfloathing and i've got that in spades.
on the music front i've been doing better though my collection rate has slowed to nothing :( but i am gettting a bit now wnd then but putting more reserch into what i get too so i can expand what i have so all you music buffs out there tell me what you listen to that's not top 40, rap or hip-hop outside of those i'm game to try most things.
anyway thats it for now have to upgrade a computer for a friend in a little bit and won't that be fun, i'm not in a very scocial mood despite having a strange conversation with the guy at the coputer store
been looking over my new favorite subject but also most loathed in some ways, foundations of psychology, its interesting in a lot of ways but its all new to me and i'm finding this to be a very big hurdle, i'm used to having a good understanding of a subject before i start it well outside of programming.
i've been going to group for a while now and it's hard what to make of it. between being tempted to tear ppl's arms off and beat them to death with the wet end because i'm sick of being patronised to being bored going over the same thing again and again to occasionaly doing a few good things it ok i guess but it seems to be a big draw on my time and other resources.
on the work front things are good, no i don't have a paying job but i do do my volunteer work at the local neighbourhood centre and enjoy it and find that satisfying. in fact i think that going there and trying to do my uni is all that keeps me going alot of the time. i've stoped going to trivia almost completely, not because i don't enjoy it but i can't bring myself to those scocial situations that much which is a pitty, i''m doing ok most of the time with the whole being with friends thing and i guess thats a plus but even that is proving a drain. my battles with centrelink continue but there is light at the end of the tunnel and maybe in 2 months there will be a defintie change for the better, don't want to get my hopes up because thats a sure way to jinx it from happening and i don't know if i will take that sort of setback well, it depends on how i'm going at that point in time.
is it posible to hate the fact that you love someone? that you let someone in and they betray that trust with the very thing you gave them to protect them? have that person turn you on and off more than a half dead neon sign? make you wish that you had never been the nice guy, the one intouch with their emotions the one willing to care? i don't want to shut everyone out but it seems more and more the only way to be the only answer to stoping the pain, i know its not healthy but at lest it works most of the time. i hate the fact that i feel like i'm going backwards but i don't know how to stop that and still do all the other things i'm trying to do. maybe i am trying to do too much but any less makes me bored and leads to more selfloathing and i've got that in spades.
on the music front i've been doing better though my collection rate has slowed to nothing :( but i am gettting a bit now wnd then but putting more reserch into what i get too so i can expand what i have so all you music buffs out there tell me what you listen to that's not top 40, rap or hip-hop outside of those i'm game to try most things.
anyway thats it for now have to upgrade a computer for a friend in a little bit and won't that be fun, i'm not in a very scocial mood despite having a strange conversation with the guy at the coputer store