Relief. Chapter two.
chapter 2
Overwhelmed, Luke stepped backwards, running his left hand up and down his right arm, willing himself to get control of his breathing. Reid licked his bottom lip, as the corners of his mouth lifted into a slim smile.
"You okay?”
"No, I’m not. You make me tingle. Fucking tingle! Are you happy?” Luke couldn’t help but grin slightly himself.
"Actually, yeah…I am. And I don’t do happy.” Seeing Luke’s smile brighten, he warned, “Don’t get excited; I don’t intend to make a habit out of it.”
Luke shifted his weight, as he put his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor, trying to get his thoughts back on track. “I know you’ve been frustrated with me the past couple of weeks, and I’ve given you reason to be.”
"We’ve given each other reasons.”
"Maybe, but Reid…it’s unfair that I haven’t told you what’s going on with me.”
“Patience is not usually one of my limited virtues,” Reid joked flatly, looking at his shoes and rubbing the back of his neck, “But I knew that you would tell me when you were ready. Maybe.”
Luke could tell that Reid was suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.
“I’ve been hiding behind Noah,” Luke admitted, slowly. “It would have been very easy to fall back into the comfort and security of that.” Luke saw Reid tense at the mention of Noah’s name and added, “But that would have been a lie…it was a lie.”
Reid let out an audible breath, walked from the kitchen to the couch, and sat down. Luke followed him and sat next to him, one leg tucked underneath him and his arm resting on the couch behind Reid’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to make this about Noah because really, he has nothing to do with it,” Luke apologized, lightly touching the hair at the nape of Reid’s neck, “but I need you to understand why I told him, and you, that I wanted to get back together with him.”
“Like you said, you love him,” Reid huffed, irritation entering his voice at going over again that which had already been beaten to death.
"Yes, I do love him. I can’t not love him. Ever. But I haven’t wanted to get back together with him for weeks now.”
“Then why did you try to?” Reid put his head back on Luke’s outstretched arm and looked up at the ceiling, clearly tired of the conversation.
“Because I was scared. I was freaking out. I know you need to hear what I’m feeling, but…Reid…I’ve been in love. I’ve been in lust. I know what those things feel like. But this…with you…” Luke choked on his words. “This…I don’t know what this is. Maybe it’s both, with some like, hate, and need mixed in.”
“Hate?” Reid’s head popped up. “Really?…hate?”
“Are you going to deny that we hated each other for a little while there way before Dallas?” Luke asked, leaning closer to Reid.
"Hate’s a strong word, Mr. Snyder.”
“Sometimes when we argue…”
“We argue? Us?” Reid quipped, amused.
“When we argue, and you get guarded and cold…”
“Me?”
Luke grabbed Reid’s arm to get his attention. It worked, and Reid turned toward him, leaning in so close that Luke thought he was going to kiss him. “C’mon, Reid. Stop trying to be funny. Are you going to let me talk here? You wanted me to talk.”
“By all means. Carry on.” Reid leaned back into his own space.
“I worry that it won’t take much for you to fall back into hate with me, and then where will that leave me, with all these jumbled up crazy feelings that I can’t even define.”
Reid put his hand on Luke’s, which still rested on Reid’s arm. “Luke…God, Luke…Luke. I’ve never hated you. Disliked you? Sure. I’ve been beyond pissed at you many times. But hate? That’s impossible. Seriously, are you nuts? And as far as walking away from you…with all the back and forth we’ve gone through lately…do you really think I’d give up on this? I’ve tried to walk away. And I’ve failed miserably at it.” Reid reached out and ran his thumb slowly down Luke’s cheek. Luke tugged Reid’s hand away from his face and held it in his lap.
“What else about this scares you, Luke?”
Luke looked up now, and his eyes locked with Reid’s. “That I see you, Reid.” Luke quickly looked away, fighting back the tears that wanted to form in his eyes. “You don’t let people see you.”
Now it was Reid’s turn to look away. He blindly slid his fingers between Luke’s fingers and quietly, anxiously, dreadfully waited for Luke to continue.
“I feel a great responsibility that you’ve let me in. I know that’s no small thing. For all of your toughness and outward abrasiveness, I can see the fragile part of yourself that you’ve trusted me with. It scares me to death that you trust me. What have I given you that you trust me with yourself?”
Reid stared at the floor, unblinking, silent.
“I feel connected to you, Reid. Physically. Emotionally. Everything.” Luke laughed at himself inwardly. Now that the floodgates were open, it was all spilling out. Luke sighed and twisted his body in Reid’s direction. Reid nodded, still quiet, swallowing hard. “You can be 20 feet away from me in a room, and I swear I can feel you breathe.”
Without looking up, Reid turned his shoulders toward Reid. “And when we’re not 20 feet apart? When we’re close…like this?”
Look gave a frustrated groan. “Well, then I feel like I’m going to die if you don’t touch me.”
Reid finally looked up, and Luke could see that his eyes were brimmed with emotion. “Thank you, Luke. You have no idea.” Luke could see the relief in Reid's eyes and felt the surge of relief in his own chest.
“Reid?”
“Yeah?”
“Like seriously…I’m going to die if you don’t touch me.”