A Conjugal Visit
Reid enters the dimly lit hospital room, closing the door behind him. He looks at Luke lying in the bed. His Luke.
Reid has spent most of his adult life in a hospital. He's witnessed pain and suffering up close. He's fought death many times and helplessly watched it win. He's stood by and been amazed by miraculous turnarounds and incredible wills to live. He's cried in grief and frustration and celebrated with patients in times of joy and healing. He's spent his life in hospitals, and yet none of it, nothing, has prepared him for the pain of watching Luke, his Luke, suffering in a hospital bed.
He walks over to Luke and rests his hand gently on Luke's head, relieved to find it cool and his skin dry. Luke needs to be as strong as possible for the kidney which could become available any day now...any day...please, please, please. Reid realizes that he's wishing, praying, for someone to die,some faceless stranger, someone with a physical make up very much like Luke's, a match in the ways that matter. He closes his eyes, not sure how to be okay with that.
Luke opens his eyes, and he tries to offer Reid a smile, but instead, he just says, "Hey," as Reid leans down to kiss him gently on the lips.
"I thought you were sleeping at home tonight," Luke says softly as Reid goes over to the sink to get the bottle of coconut lotion.
"I was going to, but..." Reid returns to the bed and removes the blankets from Luke's legs. "I hate sleeping alone." There was a time when he loved sleeping alone. He never spent the night with anyone. Fuck? Yes. Sleep? Hell no. But now? Now there's Luke. And the thought of sleeping anywhere outside of an arm's reach of Luke is unacceptable. He squeezes some lotion into his palm and rubs his hands together before picking up one of Luke's feet and starting to massage it. "How were the muscle cramps today?"
"Not too bad. I think maybe the magnesium you ordered is helping."
"Good," Reid says, continuing to massage Luke's feet and calves, kneading the muscles gently. "Good."
Luke closes his eyes and starts to drift off again. The renal failure and daily dialysis has made him fatigued and weak. A few minutes later, he feels Reid run his hands over the top of his feet one last time and replace the blanket. He opens his eyes as Reid sits down next to him. For the next few minutes, they sit, Reid's left hand gently carding through Luke's hair. Reid studies Luke's face, the circles under his eyes look darker than the day before. He rubs a thumb over Luke's stubbled chin and smiles. He'll help Luke shave in the morning.
"I'm so tired of being here," Luke says softly.
"I know," Reid says, squeezing Luke's shoulder.
"I want to be in our bed. On our couch. I want to come home from work, kick off my shoes by the front door, pet the dog, and kiss you hello. It feels like it's been forever since I've done that. I want to wash dishes with you. Mow the fucking lawn. Take out the garbage. If I make it out of here alive, Reid, I swear I'll never argue about taking out the garbage again."
"Soon. Soon," Reid says, running his hand down Luke's arm to soothe him. "And you making it out of here alive is the only option I'll entertain, so don't say 'if,' Luke. Don't."
"They made me take my ring off today," Luke says, holding up his left hand. Reid can see the sheen in Luke's eyes.
Reid takes Luke's hand and examines his ring finger, running his thumb over the ridge where Luke's wedding ring used to be. "I can feel the dent it left on your finger, and your tan line is still there.....it's okay, Luke.....it's just until after the surgery. The dialysis is causing you to retain water. Better to take it off now than have it cut off later."
They are quiet for a few minutes until Luke asks, "Reid, can you do my arms too? I've been itchy today."
"Of course," Reid says, reaching for the lotion.
He proceeds to massage Luke's forearms, careful to not disturb the fistula in Luke's right arm, and when he begins to massage Luke's hand, tugging gently on his fingers, Luke lets out a soft, gentle moan. Reid looks up from his concentration on Luke's hand to find Luke with his eyes closed and his lips parted every so slightly. Reid's chest tightens. He misses that sound. He misses hearing it in the quiet privacy of their bedroom when Luke is letting him know "yeah, right there," wherever "there" happens to be at that particular time. Reid tugs on Luke's middle finger, massaging both knuckles, the lotion making his movements fluid, and he's rewarded with another soft, breathy moan. Reid continues to massage Luke's hand, his fingers soothing the muscles there.
After a few moments, Luke tugs Reid's hand up to his chest and moves Reid's hand over his nipple. "Please," is all he says. Reid moves one finger, still slick with lotion, over Luke's nipple and watches it harden immediately; He rubs it a few times and then moves over to the other one. When Luke moans gently, Reid gives the nipple a small pinch and watches Luke's back arch slightly off the bed. "Please," is all he says again.
"I've got you, Walker," he says, knowing what Luke wants. Knowing he just wants to take a break from the bad. That he wants a distraction from the pain, the fear, even if it's just for a brief amount of time. Knowing most of all that he wants to feel normal. Reid stands, leans forward and latches onto Luke's hard nipple, sucking on it and massaging it with is tongue. He feels Luke's hips roll and feels himself getting hard. "I've got you," he repeats against Luke's now damp skin, his tongue, lips, teeth, and fingers traveling down Luke's torso as Luke's fingers thread into his hair. His senses are flooded, and he realizes how much he's yearned for the smell and taste of Luke's skin the past three weeks. "I love you," he says before pulling Luke's boxers waistband down and licking a long stripe just above his pelvic bone. He can smell Luke's musk, his heat.
"Reid, please..." That's all Reid needs to hear, the painful need in his lover's voice. He doesn't even care that one of his coworkers on the floor could walk in at any second. He tugs Luke's boxers down and sinks his mouth down onto him, opening his throat and hearing the surprised gasp, followed by a thankful groan, as Luke rolls his hips and thrusts into Reid's mouth. It's been weeks, so it only takes a few short minutes of hard sucks and creative tongue action until Luke is crying out and streaming down Reid's throat.
Reid swallows all of it, continuing to suck until Luke is completely spent and softening in his mouth. He pulls off, kisses the head of Luke's deflating dick and nuzzles into the course hairs at the base, breathing in deeply. After a few moments he stands and pulls the sheet up to cover Luke. That's when he sees the tears in Luke's eyes.
"Luke..." Reid says, reaching for him. "Oh, Luke...." He drops the rail on the side, and he slides into the small bed with Luke, careful of the wires and tubes and wraps his arms around him so that Luke's head rests on his shoulder. "I've got you," he says, kissing the top of Luke's head, but he's already aware of the tears on his own face and the shakiness of his own voice. He hugs him tighter. "I won't let anything happen to you.," he says running his hand over Luke's arm. "You're on the top of the list. That kidney is going to be here any day now..." He closes his eyes and takes back every wrong word he has ever said about Lily securing a kidney for Luke on the black market. He gets it now, and he wonders how he can go about doing the same.
He pulls Luke closer and closes his eyes as he feels Luke's face settle into the crook of his neck. He sighs and decides that if he pretends hard enough, it almost feels like they are at home, in their bed, with his arms wrapped around Luke, and Luke's arms wrapped around him.
Almost, but a million miles away.
He squeezes his eyes shut even tighter and prays to a god in which he doesn't even believe.