Compromise
Luke walked up behind Reid, leaned down, and kissed the back of his neck. "I'm sorry about last night," he said softly as he sat down at the kitchen table. "I hate fighting with you."
"Me too," Reid answered, looking up from the newspaper.
"I thought about it a lot when we went to bed. I tried to imagine how hard it was for you when you lost your parents at such a young age and then had to endure being raised by someone who didn't make you feel wanted or loved. I sometimes forget that you carry around a lot of scars. You're so self-confident, and you seem happy, so I forget that you have pain inside you."
"Jesus, Luke, I am happy."
"And it makes sense to me," Luke continued, "What you said about not wanting to risk ever doing that to your own child. I get that. I wasn't really listening to you last night...all I was hearing was that you didn't want kids. But now I can understand it, Reid. I can."
"But it doesn't make you want children any less, does it?" Reid asked, looking down.
"No, because I think we'd make great parents. You especially. But if it's something you can't do, then I won't push the issue."
Reid stood up and put his hand out to Luke, who took it. Reid walked him over to the couch, and they sat down. Reid put his arm around Luke and kissed the side of his head. "I love you," he said softly, and Luke leaned into his embrace. "I thought about it a lot last night too. I couldn't sleep. I hate when we go to bed angry.....and, Luke...God, please, know that I want you to have everything you desire...I want you to be happy....I don't want you to turn 50 someday and regret that you are still with this old, crotchety guy who kept you from having everthing you wanted out of life."
"Reid, I will never regret anything about us. Ever."
Reid nodded. "Anyway, I was thinking that there are kids out there right now, older kids...not babies or preschoolers....kids like I was.....kids who have lost their parents for whatever reason...illness, accident, jail, drugs.......and they don't even have an Uncle Angus. They have nobody. They're wrecked and scared and fucking lost, and they need someone to help them pick up the pieces. It would have made a world of difference for me if my uncle had let me grieve and helped me through it, but it was immediately: 'suck it up, boy...be a man...boys don't cry," blah, blah, blah. I was twelve. Twelve. And now that I'm adult, I can see that Angus did the best he could, and I know that he made a fighter out of me; I know he made me push myself, which is part of the reason I've been so successful at what I do, but shit....I needed more."
"Reid..."
"And you think I don't realize that maybe I wouldn't be the emotionally closed-off asshole that I am today, if someone had just told me that it was okay to be sad and that it was okay to be angry and to miss them? I have a hard time trusting anyone, and you know first hand that I'd rather ignore my emotions than deal with them head on. I still don't let myself cry. And part of that is because as a doctor, I can't let my emotions get the best of me; I have to remain detached and keep my head in the game, but I also know that it's because I never had anyone telling me that it was okay to let some of that shit out."
"You've gotten better at it though," Luke said, reaching across Reid's lap to play with his fingers. "You talk to me now. You let me touch you when you're upset, comfort you."
"I trust you. It took my awhile, but I do. I trust you completely."
Luke smiled. "I know."
"So, anyway," Reid said, "Wanting to steer the converstaion away from feelings, "There's probably these fucked up kids out there, just like I was, and maybe they need someone who understands where they are coming from."
"What are you going with this?" Luke asked, stroking Reid's hand.
"I'm not sure. I don't think I'm what anyone needs."
"You're what I need."
"Everyone wants to adopt babies, little kids....nobody wants the emotional baggage that comes with older kids....kids that know what it's like to have a family and then lose it........or kids that maybe haven't ever really had a home."
Luke shifted. "Are you saying you want to be foster parents?"
"I don't know. Maybe. We could research it a little, I guess. You know I don't like talking about that part of my life. I hate thinking about it because it seems useless to dwell on it when I've got so much good in my life now, but maybe I'd be able to help someone...." Reid straightened. "Forget it. It's stupid."
Luke put his arm around Reid until he relaxed back into the couch. "It's not stupid at all. I know the man you are Reid, and I can totally see you mentoring a kid, especially one with a little bit of attitude. And who knows...you might even find that it helps you too. It might be theraputic in some way."
Reid stayed silent and Luke kissed his jaw. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."
"It was a long time ago."
"I know."
"I'm over it."
"No you're not," Luke said, sadly.
Reid knew that was the truth, but he didn't say anything. He slouched down into Luke's arms. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"I don't know.......everything."
Luke knew what was behind those words. Love. A home. Safety. Contentment. Because it was all the things that he got from Reid too. Everything.
Luke chuckled and held Reid closer. "You're such a cuddler, Dr. Oliver."
"Fuck you, Mr. Snyder," but his hand playfully slapped and then cupped Luke's cheek, and he snuggled in even closer to Luke.
They sat in silence for awhile, just relaxing in each other's arms.
"So," Reid said, slipping his hand into Luke's. "I'll make some calls, and we'll see if fostering is an option for us. I know it's not exactly what you wanted, but..."
"It's perfect," Luke said, smiling. "I'm very proud of you, ya know. And don't even try to roll your eyes at me."
Reid stopped himself mid-roll and smiled instead.
They sat silently again until Reid spoke. "I think I'll call my uncle later. See how he's doing. It's been awhile."
Luke ran the back of his knuckles across Reid's chin. "I think that's a great idea."