Which is a Better Role Model?
3.28.05
There isn’t really much I can say this morning. Things are tough. Things are difficult. I feel stuck, spinning my wheels in mud kind of stuck; using a lot of power, energy, fuel and getting absolutely nowhere. I hate this feeling. I hate it when it happens in a dream, when you’re trying to get away from the bad guys and you can go fast enough; but I hate it even more in real life. Getting away from the bad guys is not easy…it’s never easy…but especially when the bad guys are abstractions of things and not really people…when the bad guys is the bills that are due, when the bad guys are the things you need to buy…when the bad guys is money…or more precisely, the lack thereof…sometimes I think that money is the root of all evil only when you don’t have enough; then it’s evil. When you got stacks of cash, well the greenbacks aren’t so very bad, are they?
Today it is evil for me.
I really love my job at the theater. It’s fun, I’m good at it and well, people like me (to paraphrase Stuart Smalley)…but the money is terrible and these days, with a lack of product on the screens and no clear vision from the upper management on how to get more bodies through the door…well, hours are being cut and the pay is even more sucktacular! So I should be thinking about a new job…and I have, but what could I do that would earn what I need and still afford me the opportunity to write? Driving is good except my vehicle is not up to it as a courier thing and I don’t want to drive a big rig again. I did that for almost a year and although there was certain amount of adventure that I enjoyed…it was tough. I used to start off everyday wondering if this was going to be the day I get killed driving a semi truck; I missed the family terrible and that caused deep depression…and, truthfully, the money sucked doing that too!
I strongly feel the only way out of my dilemma is to keep on writing and something…a screenplay, a novel, something will click for me and I’ll be able to lift ourselves from this evil pit of money blues; everywhere, everybody who is successful tells me that the key is to follow your dreams…don’t give up…that is the answer…and I think that’s truth. I have these arguments though…mostly with myself but sometimes with others…and the debate is about being a good provider for my kids…how can I continue to chase these “dream” and accept work that is either “below my station” or simply low paying in order to further my own personal goals; this is selfish and it’s not what a good parent would do…your children are suffering, d’Philip, because you won’t do whatever it takes to earn a good living for them…but then, as the argument plays, I feel strongly that…first of all, although my kids maybe don’t have the latest trendy clothing or coolest new games…they are healthy, they are well fed, they have clothes and mostly, they are happy children…and secondly, what sort of example is it for me to set to simply give up on my dreams before I realize them? I think that’s an awful thing to show kids…it’s like, well children…daddy has wanted to be a writer/artist ever since he was 4, ever since he was your age and he’s worked his whole life so far to make that dream, that goal something viable, something real…however, because of the demands of the modern American life and all, well, he’s just giving it all u now; to be…what?
A marketing manager?
A sales professional?
A truck driver?
A loser?
So that’s the argument and so far, most of the time, being a writer, following my dreams wins…although from time to time I’ve “put it away” and tried to live a straighter, more normalized life…but it always drives me insane and I get very unhappy. So does my family. And honestly, the money is somehow not enough anyways…so maybe, I think, it’s better to be poor and struggling while I happily build my dreams than to be simply content with the middle class and do something that’s not up to my estimated level of personal satisfaction…which is a better role model for my kids?
There isn’t really much I can say this morning. Things are tough. Things are difficult. I feel stuck, spinning my wheels in mud kind of stuck; using a lot of power, energy, fuel and getting absolutely nowhere. I hate this feeling. I hate it when it happens in a dream, when you’re trying to get away from the bad guys and you can go fast enough; but I hate it even more in real life. Getting away from the bad guys is not easy…it’s never easy…but especially when the bad guys are abstractions of things and not really people…when the bad guys is the bills that are due, when the bad guys are the things you need to buy…when the bad guys is money…or more precisely, the lack thereof…sometimes I think that money is the root of all evil only when you don’t have enough; then it’s evil. When you got stacks of cash, well the greenbacks aren’t so very bad, are they?
Today it is evil for me.
I really love my job at the theater. It’s fun, I’m good at it and well, people like me (to paraphrase Stuart Smalley)…but the money is terrible and these days, with a lack of product on the screens and no clear vision from the upper management on how to get more bodies through the door…well, hours are being cut and the pay is even more sucktacular! So I should be thinking about a new job…and I have, but what could I do that would earn what I need and still afford me the opportunity to write? Driving is good except my vehicle is not up to it as a courier thing and I don’t want to drive a big rig again. I did that for almost a year and although there was certain amount of adventure that I enjoyed…it was tough. I used to start off everyday wondering if this was going to be the day I get killed driving a semi truck; I missed the family terrible and that caused deep depression…and, truthfully, the money sucked doing that too!
I strongly feel the only way out of my dilemma is to keep on writing and something…a screenplay, a novel, something will click for me and I’ll be able to lift ourselves from this evil pit of money blues; everywhere, everybody who is successful tells me that the key is to follow your dreams…don’t give up…that is the answer…and I think that’s truth. I have these arguments though…mostly with myself but sometimes with others…and the debate is about being a good provider for my kids…how can I continue to chase these “dream” and accept work that is either “below my station” or simply low paying in order to further my own personal goals; this is selfish and it’s not what a good parent would do…your children are suffering, d’Philip, because you won’t do whatever it takes to earn a good living for them…but then, as the argument plays, I feel strongly that…first of all, although my kids maybe don’t have the latest trendy clothing or coolest new games…they are healthy, they are well fed, they have clothes and mostly, they are happy children…and secondly, what sort of example is it for me to set to simply give up on my dreams before I realize them? I think that’s an awful thing to show kids…it’s like, well children…daddy has wanted to be a writer/artist ever since he was 4, ever since he was your age and he’s worked his whole life so far to make that dream, that goal something viable, something real…however, because of the demands of the modern American life and all, well, he’s just giving it all u now; to be…what?
A marketing manager?
A sales professional?
A truck driver?
A loser?
So that’s the argument and so far, most of the time, being a writer, following my dreams wins…although from time to time I’ve “put it away” and tried to live a straighter, more normalized life…but it always drives me insane and I get very unhappy. So does my family. And honestly, the money is somehow not enough anyways…so maybe, I think, it’s better to be poor and struggling while I happily build my dreams than to be simply content with the middle class and do something that’s not up to my estimated level of personal satisfaction…which is a better role model for my kids?