(no subject)
christi and i have been broken up since last thursday. i dont know why i've let it last this long, or how long it will last. i've had a lot ot things on my mind lately. i dont like dragging her into my problems bc i feel like that just puts more pressure on her. but at the same time i really want to bc it doesnt do me any good to hold it all in. i guess if she really wants me to i should. my friend joe lost his job a few days before hurricane rita, and i hadnt seen him or talked to him since then. i've been really worried. yesterday me and prince went to his house to visit and play some games. i think that was exactly what i needed. hanging out and playing videogames with chase and shooting eachother raymond and marissa doesnt really do it for me. but this helped a lot. i think its more of a wanting to see how my friends are doing, not i wanna play videogames all the time. god only knows how my videogame time has gone down tremendously. but i still play sometimes. christi is my number 1. she's my everything. and i know that no matter how many times she'll say she doesnt miss me, she does. i know her too well to know that she's trying not to and failing miserably. she has been trying not to call me as much lately, and i'll admit the phone hasnt been ringing as often. but honestly, i miss it. i wish she would call. i still have to work. im still saving up to move. i know this isnt over. we just need to communicate. a lot more than ive been allowing us to. other than our break up, i feel like things are coming back together. joe actually seemed happy yesterday. i'm starting to really get the hang of things in the yard at work. counseling is good, i'll be done with my OCW2 in no time. i'm excited, and so is damon. i got a raise at work a month ahead. thats good. i mean it just feels better. i'm beginning to accept the changes that have taken place. ian and joe were fired, and ian is moving to michigan in 2 weeks. but life goes on. the guys are my friends, but...life goes on. lets face it i'm leaving in a few months to south carolina...they'll be gone already so it's like 2 less things i have to leave right? lol. why do i get so upset about these things that wont matter when i'm gone? i dont know. i guess i fear change. the one thing that hasnt changed is christi. she's still there for me. she's still just a call away 24/7. she still wants to be mine even though she broke up with me. i guess its all up to me really. living as far away as we do, u cant be together without communication. she's right. i need to quit ignoring her and just be responsible and take care of her first. afterall, what good does it do to say she's my best friend and my heart, if i always wanna hang out with everyone else and not give her the time of day? i'm too selfish. i dont know why she loves me to begin with. but i dont want her to stop. i know what i have to do. everything else will just have to wait. i need to get my life straightened out. you know, the one that matters...the one i eventually want to have married to her. she is my everything. i dont want to lose her.