how to make fun of singles, by juan lopez
well, it's st. valentine's day and on this day you might see a few people walking around alone, without anyone to celebrate it with. believe it or not, not everybody has a special someone to call their own everytime this holiday comes around. i know what most of you might be thinking, and the answer is hard to find, but fear not because your search is over! i have taken the time to create a list of answers to that age-old question "how can i make fun of singles on valentines day?"
1) list of losers: make a list of all the single people you know (friends/recent divorcees/people that lost on dating shows). you might want to glue this list onto a heart-shaped piece of red construction paper. this step makes a great date activity for you and your special someone. if you don't know any single people, simply wait until valentine's day and go nerd-hunting!
2) locate the person and start by screaming "HEY LOSER" at the top of your lungs, this might get their attention. be sure to skip to #4 if they look. if the loner does not look, proceed to #3.
3) the un-loveable person might think that the "HEY LOSER" was intended for one of your friends, or another lonely-hearted soul, and might not respond. if this does happen, plan ahead and make sure to bring some fruit to throw at them to get their attention (plums have a great splatter factor). you might also want to prepare a basket or two of beanbags with a picture of you and your sweetie screen-printed on them. this will remind the target of how unhappy they are.
4) list of insults. feel free to use these insults at will after getting the subject's attention. some of these may be used in combination on the same person. you may also want to take turns insulting people with your valentine.
• "Happy Valentine's Day Stupid!" this is a great opener, because it's obvious that they're not having one!
• "Hey, do you wanna hang out tonight? Oh wait, I forgot, I'm busy with somebody that loves me because IT'S VALENTINES DAY AND I WON'T BE ALONE TONIGHT LIKE YOU!" immediately follow this line with a punch to the face. top with laughter.
• this one's great. prepare a fake valentine with a picture of the planet earth on it. inside write the words "NOBODY ON THIS PLANET LOVES YOU" in big black letters. then give your subject of ridicule the valentine and a stomp on the foot.
• this one is more of a valentine's date activity. first, get a couple of red wiffle-ball bats and black sharpies. write the word "LOVE" on each of the bats in big cursive handwriting with the markers. then take turns with your lover beating the crap out of the people on your list. repeat as necessary.
• make-up your own insult or activity! don't forget to remind the person that he/she will most likely be having dinner with his/her mom tonight
5) celebrate with your loved-one. keep a tally of how many people you and your valentine made fun of, whoever insults the most wins!
alright everyone, i hope you all found this helpful. so have at it! and be careful today singles. valentine's is cruelentine's.
1) list of losers: make a list of all the single people you know (friends/recent divorcees/people that lost on dating shows). you might want to glue this list onto a heart-shaped piece of red construction paper. this step makes a great date activity for you and your special someone. if you don't know any single people, simply wait until valentine's day and go nerd-hunting!
2) locate the person and start by screaming "HEY LOSER" at the top of your lungs, this might get their attention. be sure to skip to #4 if they look. if the loner does not look, proceed to #3.
3) the un-loveable person might think that the "HEY LOSER" was intended for one of your friends, or another lonely-hearted soul, and might not respond. if this does happen, plan ahead and make sure to bring some fruit to throw at them to get their attention (plums have a great splatter factor). you might also want to prepare a basket or two of beanbags with a picture of you and your sweetie screen-printed on them. this will remind the target of how unhappy they are.
4) list of insults. feel free to use these insults at will after getting the subject's attention. some of these may be used in combination on the same person. you may also want to take turns insulting people with your valentine.
• "Happy Valentine's Day Stupid!" this is a great opener, because it's obvious that they're not having one!
• "Hey, do you wanna hang out tonight? Oh wait, I forgot, I'm busy with somebody that loves me because IT'S VALENTINES DAY AND I WON'T BE ALONE TONIGHT LIKE YOU!" immediately follow this line with a punch to the face. top with laughter.
• this one's great. prepare a fake valentine with a picture of the planet earth on it. inside write the words "NOBODY ON THIS PLANET LOVES YOU" in big black letters. then give your subject of ridicule the valentine and a stomp on the foot.
• this one is more of a valentine's date activity. first, get a couple of red wiffle-ball bats and black sharpies. write the word "LOVE" on each of the bats in big cursive handwriting with the markers. then take turns with your lover beating the crap out of the people on your list. repeat as necessary.
• make-up your own insult or activity! don't forget to remind the person that he/she will most likely be having dinner with his/her mom tonight
5) celebrate with your loved-one. keep a tally of how many people you and your valentine made fun of, whoever insults the most wins!
alright everyone, i hope you all found this helpful. so have at it! and be careful today singles. valentine's is cruelentine's.