[rp] Feeling the quest for an answer

[doyoulikecake]

Since Iris disappeared, Kaden's been getting more and more unstable. Well, in reality, since Iris moved in, Kaden's been getting more and more unstable, but he hasn't really realized that. Not that he's entirely realized his instability at the moment, either, even though he hasn't come out of his study in days, except to go to the bathroom and,

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[doyoulikecake]

He glances at his computer. Thursday. That really tells him nothing, given that he doesn't know the last day he ate or the last time he looked at the calendar or the time. He's shaking, but he's figured that was the drugs. Maybe he should eat, but not with her out there. Not while she's conscious. She'll keep him from his research. She doesn't want him in here anymore, and he has to figure this out.

"I'm on--I just need a few more days," he says, flipping through his notes again. "I almost have it, I know I do."

He gets up, fairly suddenly, running his fingers through his hair. He should probably shower, too, but that takes even more time away.

«It just doesn't make sense,» he continues, pacing. «Things were going so well, and I was pretty sure I had the extra details under control -- there was one that it could have been, she had a friend, but I didn't think much of it at the time. There's just no reason.» His wings flick and stretch out, hitting the bookshelves behind him, and the sudden realignment of his weight makes him stumble. He catches himself on his desk. Stares at his notes. "None of it makes sense."

[idontlikecake]

The sudden switch to Japanese, the stress, the fact that she can hear his wings are out. These are all bad things. And suddenly, she realizes she doesn't know how to handle this. Fix it.

"Kaden," she implores, not sure what to do. "Just. Let's eat. Have a meal. Together. And then you can go back, figure it out, okay?"

Just get him out for a few moments. Bring him down.

[doyoulikecake]

«Can't,» he mutters, then repeats it louder. «Can't lose concentration, too many distractions.» Too much work to do that isn't this. He picks up the pill bottle on his desk, shaking it, then puts it back down. He shouldn't, he knows that. He has to make these last if he's promised them to Molly, too. But his wings and shoulders and arms are burning and he doesn't know how to fix that except to keep working.

Except now it's hard to stop moving.

His focus swings toward the door, then, and he goes over to it, as if he's just remembered Lily was on the other side. Sits down in front of it, hand against the wood. "When did you last eat?" he asks. "You made me food and left it; did you eat?"

[idontlikecake]

"I'll eat when you do," she says. It's not fair. It's wrong to use herself like that. Manipulating him. But that's the only fair way to do it.

She rests her head against the door, imagining his right on the other side. She needs him out. She needs him in general. More than she can even comprehend.

Maybe they can just focus on food right now. Not Iris. Not Kaden's problems. Just... a meal.

[doyoulikecake]

"I'll eat," he insists, but doesn't get up. Doesn't make a move to leave the room. It's hollow insistence, empty promises, and something in him knows that. "I'll eat, it's just--"

He gets up again, going back to the desk, starting to scroll through the typed notes. His computer makes a noise, notifying him of an email, and he ignores it. «She was fine on Christmas,» he says. «Our Christmas, not the reunion -- that didn't tip her so far. You saw her, she was fine.» Too eager to please, even. Too eager for them to be her family.

What changed?

She couldn't have just up and left without something to spur it, some impetus. The way they handled Molly? Was it Molly in general? He and his cousin never swapped data on her, never compared notes, because they never shared. There must have been something in that. He could call Molly. But she wouldn't know either, she'd never needed it the way he did, didn't keep as close an eye. He goes back to stand at the door.

«Yokko,» he says, «I just need to know why.»

[idontlikecake]

Lily knows better than to feed into this. The more attention they pay to what he's talking about, the less chance she has of getting him out of this state. And she needs him out. She needs him to eat. She needs him.

"You have to leave the room to eat," she presses, moving away from the door slightly. "If you leave the room, we'll have a meal. You'll eat. I'll eat. Maybe we can even drop by work."

Just keep ignoring it all. She takes in a deep breath, trying not to think too hard about it.

[doyoulikecake]

"No, Yokko, I am working." That's not a lie. He has been keeping up with that, at the very least. Barely, but he's doing it. He can't afford to lose his job over this. Even before, he'd kept up with schoolwork, his job.

He leans against the door. "And I'm so close. Just give me another hour." He has to figure out why she left. What he did wrong. «Please.»

[idontlikecake]

"Yes, you're working," Lily says, trying not to let the desperation hit her voice. "But I haven't been able to. I haven't been able to go to class. I haven't been able to do anything because you're so twisted up with losing a her that you're not noticing what you're doing to me. So please, please just come out, let's have a meal, and we'll figure things out. I can't keep doing this anymore."

She's put up with it long enough. Her head is hurting and her wings are shaking. Does he want her to leave too? Or does he expect her to remain a prisoner in her own home?

[doyoulikecake]

He hadn't waited for her answer, not really expecting to like anything she said, if she gave him a response at all. And it's not really a response that he gets. By that time, he's back at the computer, opening more files. These have a different password; they're the ones on Lily. All of them.

«Just an hour,» he says, but he's distracted, reading through his files on his sister. He never figured her out, either, not even after he found her again. «If I could only--I need to figure out why she left.»

The last thing he wants is for Lily to leave. He should go out there, make her eat. He probably needs to eat as much as she thinks he does. But his hands are nearly numb. He doesn't know what to do to make it stop, and if he could just get a little more time...

Lily's last sentence snaps his attention back to the door. «Please, Yokko, I'm sorry. Wait for me just a little longer, please.» He's almost begging her through the door, now.

[idontlikecake]

"Kaden," Lily says, her voice soft. "I can't wait forever."

It hurts. All of this hurts. Was Iris that important to him? More important that her? How much time has she given him already? What day is it? She doesn't even know anymore. It all blurs together. Camping out with a laptop under blankets by his study. When was the last time she had a decent night's sleep?

"Please don't make me break the door down. Because I can. But I don't want to. I try to give you your space, but I can't wait any longer."

Mostly she can't handle knowing how much more Iris was worth to him.

[doyoulikecake]

The words don't parse, at first. He's too busy looking at the files, trying to compare them, and then suddenly he's not looking at Iris's at all, anymore. Just reading through Lily's.

He reads through them for a long time, not responding. His wings are twitching, but he doesn't notice. He's gotten used to functioning with numb hands.

He's almost forgotten she's spoken by the time the Calling surges again, and with it, this time, comes a brief moment of anger. She won't give him space, when that's all she wants to do. If she could, he knows she would leave again.

"I can't wait forever." It's suddenly there, in his head, fully remembered. He would have. He did.

This time when he gets up he does knock over the desk chair, scatter papers to the floor in his haste to get to the door before she does try to break the door down. He unlocks it swiftly, yanking it open and says, "You left me."

[idontlikecake]

She doesn't know when she started crying. It must have been a while ago because when he opens the door, she's standing there, days-old mascara running streaks down her face.

"I'm sorry," she blubbers. Lily doesn't know what else to say anymore. How to explain it. How to get it through to him why she had to leave, get out of there, or she wouldn't even be there any more.

There's no excuse because no excuse is good enough for him and it's quickly becoming the same for her. She's starting to question if what she did was the right thing after all. Maybe she could have survived a little more at home. Maybe she would have been okay. Maybe she was just a stupid teenager and things weren't as bad as they remembered.

"But I'm here now, Mikkun. I'm here."

[doyoulikecake]

For a half a minute, he just stands there, staring at her. Absolutely silent. The anger drains from his face, and he's left just staring, taking in everything about her. She looks like hell, with her mascara like that. He knows he probably looks worse.

She's right, though. She's there. He reaches out, finally, brushing away the tears on her face, then pulling her into a tight hug. It's less of a hug and more of a cling, really.

Once he has her, everything rushes in again and he lets his knees buckle, dragging them both to the floor. He pulls her closer, his head on her shoulder, face buried against her neck. And he starts crying.

«She left, Yokko, just like you did, didn't say anything, and I shouldn't care this much,» he says. «I was looking in the wrong notes, should have been looking at yours, at what I did wrong to make you leave.» He takes a breath, trying to keep the sobs back, and he can't. He's too hungry and exhausted and his guard's been down for days so he can't figure out how to put it back up. And she's here, so he can feel again.

«And you keep trying and I--I was so scared.»

[idontlikecake]

"English," Lily says, stroking his hair. And suddenly the roles are reversed. They both look awful. No one could ever see them like this. She lets him lean against her, lets him cling.

"I'm not leaving."

She wishes those words were enough, but they're not and they never will be. Never again.

"Let's just eat something?" She feels so helpless. She doesn't know how to fix this. She's never been a decent guardian to him. She wasn't a decent guardian for James. She wasn't even supposed to be a guardian. Her fingers tighten in her hair and tears well up in her eyes again. "I promise. I'm never leaving."

[doyoulikecake]

And he does cling, his fingers knotted into the back of her shirt. As much as he's trying to stop all of this bullshit, he can't.

«You did, and I never figured out what I did wrong,» he says. English be damned. He can speak perfectly well in Japanese, and it's what they always use with each other. «I can't do it again.»

They'll eat soon. Right now he doesn't feel like he can do anything but sit here with her and cling, his wings settling around them.

[idontlikecake]

Which is fine with her. Right now, just having him this close. It's all she needs. She's crying again, but she can focus on that later. Just like they'll eat later. Her wings twitch slightly, but calm down.

«I'm not leaving.» Her words are soft. She doesn't know what else to say. She's stuck around this long. Lily's proven to him, time and time again how much she needs him here, but nothing she does can take that doubt away.

«I promise.»