*somehow, i want more*
so, it's been somewhat of a rocky week. the time is passing so fast and i don't want 7:30 to come tomorrow morning because that means that i will be back in a place that i don't want to be in. but i will live. bill left for college yesterday =( i'm gonna miss him sooo much. my buddy. my mom's stressing out about her wedding but elena and i talked about it and we're gonna take the stress away from her on thursday. and it will be good. i miss jay a lot. i'm gonna stay at gram's on friday but i'm not sure if he'll even be there. it's like, he's my best friend but we rarely have decent conversations anymore. i know we'll make it through though, we have to. there's no options. i'm scared that he's gonna go to iraq. i'll just cross my fingers and hope for the best though. and i'm going to miss my friends soo effing much. now that school's starting i'm quite afraid that things will not be the same and we'll get pushed further and further apart. elena's always there for me though. god, i don't know what my life would be without her. because when all my other 'best friends' decide that i'm not important enough to be involved in their lives, she's there. and i love her for that more than anything. so i also did a lot of thinking yesterday. i've realized that i want nothing more than to be happy. and if i'm going to be happy, then i have to make it happen. so i went out with elena, we cried a lot. then i stayed at my dads for the first time in over a year. we talked and cried and decided to try to start over. not like we haven't started over before, but i know he loves me. and he does deserve another chance no matter how bad he hurts me. or, maybe he doesn't deserve the chances i give, but he'll never run out of them because i need him in my life. and i've come to realize that. i also talked to another person that i need in my life a lot last night. i explained the way i've been acting for the past couple weeks. he understood and yet again assured me that i don't have to be afraid with him. and for the first time, i have no doubts of that. i believe him whole heartedly. and i'm not afraid of anything that has to do with him anymore. whatever happens happens. god, i think i need to meet the guy of my dreams though. i'm gettin a lil lonely over here. lol. i need to meet a guy like elena. so i could call and say 'elena, i met someone perfect for me. he's just like you but with a penis.' in due time though. can't rush these things, i know. and i also know that he'll find me when i least expect it so i shouldn't look. my horoscope says he should be here soon though. so where the f*ck is he?...lol. i think i'm gonna go. just felt like a random update.