girl i never loved one like you
Valentine's Day.
I honestly don't think I've really been in a relationship on Valentine's Day since eighth grade and even then it was iffy. And now -- well, it's iffy again and I'm not sure where this one is going. On one hand, I want to call it off and be completely single again because I don't feel like I'm being fair. As in -- was I ever over my ex? Do I like the guy I'm with or did I just want someone to help me get over my ex? What do I feel? I think I'm bipolar. I've been going back and forth on this relationship for over a month. And I don't want to hurt anyone, even though I doubt I'll hurt him much. And I guess I just want something new. I've been listening to way too many cutesy songs like "Home" or "If It's Love" or "Haven't Met you Yet" and now I feel like I'm almost set on a new relationship. On the other hand, I don't really want to be alone and I don't want to make any decisions that I'll regret. And what if I do like him and I'm just being bipolar and indecisive about everything (which is not strange for me)?
God damn. I can't figure out anything anymore. I liked it when my emotions were clear and I knew just what to do in every given situation. Okay. That's probably an exaggeration. I don't know when I ever felt like that -- but at least back then I could distinguish what I wanted to do. Now everything I see is just shades of gray and I can't figure anything out. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what course to take to get me to where I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be.
And a part of me... A large part of me, just wants to end everything and start fresh again. I miss that feeling of a new relationship, where everything is sunny and happy and cute and excited feelings blossom in my chest on a daily basis. It seems like I'm missing out on that at the moment. It's not cutesy. It's not happy and it's not cute. I feel like I went for the opposite with this relationship as a reaction to my last one, where everything was sunshine and cute gestures and... summer, I guess. And now that I'm in a relationship where we don't even fucking hold hands I want the cute gestures back. I want the nice little things like a random text saying, "Hey. I just wanted to let you know that you're beautiful," or something. It's not for a boost in my self-confidence or anything, but just for the fact that, hey, someone notices and they appreciate it.
In hindsight, of course, I'm only remembering the nice things about my last relationship. There were bad times too, I'm sure. Like how I thought we were going way too slow and I wanted something faster. I wanted to fucking do something. And again, in hindsight, I feel like I went for a relationship that I thought would get me there since the other one was so disappointing in that aspect. And now I feel like I just don't care. I just want to hold hands and walk around and be with someone who I really like for whatever reason. I don't freaking care if we don't do anything.
Alright, maybe I care a little. But it's not the same. And maybe I just want to be naive again. I just want to believe that things can work out, that boys won't get bored of me, and that I'm not the worst girlfriend in the entire universe. Or moreover, I just want a little spark. I want something to make me happy to wake up in the morning, something to make me excited for school -- I don't know, anything. Just something to brighten up my dull, lackluster days. And I guess I want that spark to be true not just for me, but for him as well. Something that won't fizzle out quite so quickly or something that, when it does fizzle out, goes out for both of us and not just one. Because getting broken up with when you still have feelings for someone is possibly the worst feeling I've ever experienced. At the time, I just wanted things to speed up and move on and I didn't want to slow down. I didn't want to think about it more than I had to. Even then, I thought about it a lot. And I feel like now... Now I'm realizing all the mistakes I made after the breakup, the little things I did to ease my own pain.
Overall, I'm not saying I miss the guy that I was in a relationship with previously. Rather, I miss having those sorts of feelings for someone. Like wanting to be with him almost all the time or thinking about him a lot. I don't know. I don't miss him now. I just want to feel that way again. Fuck. I wish I could control my emotions better. Why don't I feel that way right now about anyone? I don't get it. Maybe it was because we were friends before I even thought of him in that way, and it was really easy to like him after that because I knew him. I wish it could be like that with every relationship, except that when everything is over it's hard to return to being friends. And then I just feel sort of empty and hollow because I miss having that one person who I could talk to about almost everything but who got tired of talking to me.
Wow, I just made myself feel depressed. I need to stop being so harsh on myself or just being depressing in general. It's probably not good for my state of mind, what with all the stress I put on myself anyway.
I could use some passion right now. Passion for anything. Music, art, school, people... I don't know. I think I'm lacking emotions (besides terrible ones, blah).
I honestly don't think I've really been in a relationship on Valentine's Day since eighth grade and even then it was iffy. And now -- well, it's iffy again and I'm not sure where this one is going. On one hand, I want to call it off and be completely single again because I don't feel like I'm being fair. As in -- was I ever over my ex? Do I like the guy I'm with or did I just want someone to help me get over my ex? What do I feel? I think I'm bipolar. I've been going back and forth on this relationship for over a month. And I don't want to hurt anyone, even though I doubt I'll hurt him much. And I guess I just want something new. I've been listening to way too many cutesy songs like "Home" or "If It's Love" or "Haven't Met you Yet" and now I feel like I'm almost set on a new relationship. On the other hand, I don't really want to be alone and I don't want to make any decisions that I'll regret. And what if I do like him and I'm just being bipolar and indecisive about everything (which is not strange for me)?
God damn. I can't figure out anything anymore. I liked it when my emotions were clear and I knew just what to do in every given situation. Okay. That's probably an exaggeration. I don't know when I ever felt like that -- but at least back then I could distinguish what I wanted to do. Now everything I see is just shades of gray and I can't figure anything out. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what course to take to get me to where I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be.
And a part of me... A large part of me, just wants to end everything and start fresh again. I miss that feeling of a new relationship, where everything is sunny and happy and cute and excited feelings blossom in my chest on a daily basis. It seems like I'm missing out on that at the moment. It's not cutesy. It's not happy and it's not cute. I feel like I went for the opposite with this relationship as a reaction to my last one, where everything was sunshine and cute gestures and... summer, I guess. And now that I'm in a relationship where we don't even fucking hold hands I want the cute gestures back. I want the nice little things like a random text saying, "Hey. I just wanted to let you know that you're beautiful," or something. It's not for a boost in my self-confidence or anything, but just for the fact that, hey, someone notices and they appreciate it.
In hindsight, of course, I'm only remembering the nice things about my last relationship. There were bad times too, I'm sure. Like how I thought we were going way too slow and I wanted something faster. I wanted to fucking do something. And again, in hindsight, I feel like I went for a relationship that I thought would get me there since the other one was so disappointing in that aspect. And now I feel like I just don't care. I just want to hold hands and walk around and be with someone who I really like for whatever reason. I don't freaking care if we don't do anything.
Alright, maybe I care a little. But it's not the same. And maybe I just want to be naive again. I just want to believe that things can work out, that boys won't get bored of me, and that I'm not the worst girlfriend in the entire universe. Or moreover, I just want a little spark. I want something to make me happy to wake up in the morning, something to make me excited for school -- I don't know, anything. Just something to brighten up my dull, lackluster days. And I guess I want that spark to be true not just for me, but for him as well. Something that won't fizzle out quite so quickly or something that, when it does fizzle out, goes out for both of us and not just one. Because getting broken up with when you still have feelings for someone is possibly the worst feeling I've ever experienced. At the time, I just wanted things to speed up and move on and I didn't want to slow down. I didn't want to think about it more than I had to. Even then, I thought about it a lot. And I feel like now... Now I'm realizing all the mistakes I made after the breakup, the little things I did to ease my own pain.
Overall, I'm not saying I miss the guy that I was in a relationship with previously. Rather, I miss having those sorts of feelings for someone. Like wanting to be with him almost all the time or thinking about him a lot. I don't know. I don't miss him now. I just want to feel that way again. Fuck. I wish I could control my emotions better. Why don't I feel that way right now about anyone? I don't get it. Maybe it was because we were friends before I even thought of him in that way, and it was really easy to like him after that because I knew him. I wish it could be like that with every relationship, except that when everything is over it's hard to return to being friends. And then I just feel sort of empty and hollow because I miss having that one person who I could talk to about almost everything but who got tired of talking to me.
Wow, I just made myself feel depressed. I need to stop being so harsh on myself or just being depressing in general. It's probably not good for my state of mind, what with all the stress I put on myself anyway.
I could use some passion right now. Passion for anything. Music, art, school, people... I don't know. I think I'm lacking emotions (besides terrible ones, blah).