(no subject)
i fucking love driving. i spend about 5hrs a day driving for no reason. i have no where to go. and nothing to do. no where to go bakc home. no money to spend. no responsibility besides my car. and nothing to worry about. so i drive. i have 5 rock raido stations set on my radio, and theres usually a good song on one of them. though i switch through all of them a regular 3 times every song. i know EVERY fucking song on the radio. i hate New Hampshire. i cna hear a song, and pretty much tell you the bands name, line up, what CD its off, when it came out.... like today "Eye Of The Beholder" came on by Metallica. stupid fucking Jake goes "what cd is this off, reload or black album?" i said it was off And Justice For All.... and he said i was wrong. so i laughed and said "oh no, I'm not wrong, And Justice For All is the first CD i ever got. and 'Eye Of The Beholder' is definatly off AJFA its the third track. the CD was released in 88', Metallicas forth major album, and was the first studio album, save Garage Days Revisited, which was more of an EP, to feature Jason Newstead, the bassist taken aboard to replace Cliff Burotn who had tragically died 2yrs earlier in a bus accident. In Flames covered this song on a tribute album to Metallica. its between 'AJFA,' the title track, and 'One', probably the biggest song off of the album. 'One' was actually Metallicas first single, for which they made a video for. the video is mainly clips from the movie 'Jonny Got His Gun" as the song itself, is written about the book. and the movie, is based on the book. in most reviews of the greatest guitar solos of all time, you wil usually find 'One' in the top 20, with most any magazine. yes, I'm possitive Eye if The Beholder is indeed off Fucking And Justice For All... Jake. and if need be, i can give you the track listing for AJFA, The Black Album, and Reload to prove it to you." he just laughed and said ok. i wanted to smack him. don't fucking question me you bastard. lol.
so yeah, i think me and Cass are pretty much over, as she is pregnant with her new boyfriends baby. lol. when i firts heard, all i heard was. "Donny, i dunno how you're gonna take this. but... Cassies pregnant." haha yeha, no one told me at first it wasn't mine, and Cass had told me she hadn't slept wiht Shawn for like, 6 monthes. so i threw up. i got really scared, and threw up. then i found out it wasn't mine, and felt a little relieved. dare i say, maybe a little jealous though? i dunno.... i don't exactly want a kid here, but, now Cass is gone forever. i know i say alot of things about Cassie, and how she pisses me off, and lies to me, and pisses me off, and fucks me over, and how I wouldn't go back out with her..... but i love her. and i was ok with being with her forever. i just, thought that she'd always be there. like, she was mine no matter what, and before i settled down with her, i could go ahead and get some other action in. because, i could be with her forever. but thats scary, im 19. we were supposed to take a year or two off, screw around, and get back together... now thats never gonna happen. she says shes happy with Shawn too... even though a week ago she told me she hated him and loved me. but then, shes going out with him and having his baby now, so who knows. maybe i don't matter. never really can tell with Cassie....
i think i fucked up. i think i might be getting in a lot of trouble soon. I can't find a fucking job, and I've bene going about getting money and food in some really fucked up ways.... which isn't hard, i've never been a good kid. but, i made a stupid mistake that i fucking told people not to do, and still did. and the second i realized it i was like FUCK! we almost got caught today to. i dunno.... I'm pretty ashamed of myself.
i almost went home today. i wanted to get my knife. i actually went to the gas station, so i would have gas just to go home to get my knife. i said to myself, i wanted to so bad. its been so long. most of my scars have even started to disapear, but i don't know. i wanted to terribly. I've started thinking about just killing myself again... mainly jumping off of porstmouth bridge. but it would be soooooo cold before i died. sooooo cold. i don't want to die terribly cold, uncomfortable, and unable to breath. im very scared of drowning. and i feel as soon as i was in the water, i'd fight, and swim for my life. and then fail to get out, as its like, the second strongest current in the world. so i know if im going to fight once im in the water, whats the point of trying? when i try to OD, i make myself throw up. i want to kil myself right up until i have the chance. and then i bail. i don't get it. basically you cna prtety much ignore all of my depressed ramblings, and claims of desire for suicide. because honestly, i've had the chance on hundreds of occasions, and bailed everytime. so clearly i don't want to die that badly. i dunno... i just get so fucking depressed sometimes, to the point where it seems the only option to make it go away. i don't even have a damn reason. so many people have it so much worse than i do. and still i bitch and complain about how I'm sad. i fucking hate depressed people, i hate them. i hate me for it, but i can't make it go away. i can hide it pretty damn well though =D well.... sometimes.
so yeah, i think me and Cass are pretty much over, as she is pregnant with her new boyfriends baby. lol. when i firts heard, all i heard was. "Donny, i dunno how you're gonna take this. but... Cassies pregnant." haha yeha, no one told me at first it wasn't mine, and Cass had told me she hadn't slept wiht Shawn for like, 6 monthes. so i threw up. i got really scared, and threw up. then i found out it wasn't mine, and felt a little relieved. dare i say, maybe a little jealous though? i dunno.... i don't exactly want a kid here, but, now Cass is gone forever. i know i say alot of things about Cassie, and how she pisses me off, and lies to me, and pisses me off, and fucks me over, and how I wouldn't go back out with her..... but i love her. and i was ok with being with her forever. i just, thought that she'd always be there. like, she was mine no matter what, and before i settled down with her, i could go ahead and get some other action in. because, i could be with her forever. but thats scary, im 19. we were supposed to take a year or two off, screw around, and get back together... now thats never gonna happen. she says shes happy with Shawn too... even though a week ago she told me she hated him and loved me. but then, shes going out with him and having his baby now, so who knows. maybe i don't matter. never really can tell with Cassie....
i think i fucked up. i think i might be getting in a lot of trouble soon. I can't find a fucking job, and I've bene going about getting money and food in some really fucked up ways.... which isn't hard, i've never been a good kid. but, i made a stupid mistake that i fucking told people not to do, and still did. and the second i realized it i was like FUCK! we almost got caught today to. i dunno.... I'm pretty ashamed of myself.
i almost went home today. i wanted to get my knife. i actually went to the gas station, so i would have gas just to go home to get my knife. i said to myself, i wanted to so bad. its been so long. most of my scars have even started to disapear, but i don't know. i wanted to terribly. I've started thinking about just killing myself again... mainly jumping off of porstmouth bridge. but it would be soooooo cold before i died. sooooo cold. i don't want to die terribly cold, uncomfortable, and unable to breath. im very scared of drowning. and i feel as soon as i was in the water, i'd fight, and swim for my life. and then fail to get out, as its like, the second strongest current in the world. so i know if im going to fight once im in the water, whats the point of trying? when i try to OD, i make myself throw up. i want to kil myself right up until i have the chance. and then i bail. i don't get it. basically you cna prtety much ignore all of my depressed ramblings, and claims of desire for suicide. because honestly, i've had the chance on hundreds of occasions, and bailed everytime. so clearly i don't want to die that badly. i dunno... i just get so fucking depressed sometimes, to the point where it seems the only option to make it go away. i don't even have a damn reason. so many people have it so much worse than i do. and still i bitch and complain about how I'm sad. i fucking hate depressed people, i hate them. i hate me for it, but i can't make it go away. i can hide it pretty damn well though =D well.... sometimes.