(no subject)
I'm plastic, i swallow 2 pills to be happy and 1 to sleep and the 4-8 advils a day to keep away headache, cramps...made up syptoms sometimes...just because. I've gotten to the point where i don't cry at night anymore even though i want to and need to and am sad enough inside that i should be. all my medication makes it impossible. i can't write down how I'm feeling in any poetic words unless you'd enjoy a great poem about how i resemable plastic, cause i do. i saw him friday night and i kept my distance and even when we kissed in the car for that brief moment before he left me to be with other people...i kept my distance, i made myself safe. I've realized that we will never work out..no matter how much I love him or he loves me...it isn't. how am i possibly suppose to get over him then? i still think about him alot but it doesn't make me AS sad anymore, just makes me wish it was the summer still, or those short periods when he noticed me. I'm so dependent and needy. I will admit i was a needy girlfriend, i didn't want to be...but i was. i needed...and still need for someone to love me, a male that doesn't hurt me...physically or emotionally. will there ever be a time where i sleep with someone and when i close my eyes i DON'T remember what happened 11 years ago? will a sexual touch by either female or male always mean that they're going to hurt me, say they love me, say that it would be okay to trust them and then hurt me, intentionally...unintentionally, at this point it means the same thing. will i always chose the "wrong kind"? try to mother guys who have been hurt in the past...like it's my job...like maybe if i help them...it'd replace the fact that i wasn't able to save judy? IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBLITY. I'm no longer the mother to my siblings... i am not the one that has to dress them and feed them, I'm 16 and not 4 again... i should have left that need to be a mother behind so long ago. i should know that i was only 4 and i couldn't save judy from her need for alcohol...for drugs, i could not save her from the depression that she has passed down to me now. i can't save myself. I'll never be pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, strong enough...ever. not for anyone else and not for myself. i miss him. i thought about how with him i never felt that i needed to look pretty really, never really self conscience...being naked in front of him was natural, does that mean anything? does it mean anything special about us? there is no us..I'm a fucking slut, i deserve all this. fucking needy bitch...constant nagging, who could love that? I'm so tired of who i am...what I've become...what i'll never be. I'm exhausted, simply tired out, weighed down by recent stress ...I've been up all night...it's 7:11 in the goddamn morning and my eyelids hurt to be open but my body refuses to sleep. to much to get done...i'll catch up next weekend on sleep. 300 pages to go, and multiple entries...4 days left. no one blame but myself. fuck.
I need a shower, a good cup of coffee and a cigarette. my life is pathetic.
<3
I need a shower, a good cup of coffee and a cigarette. my life is pathetic.
<3