Yesterday's thoughts
Currently I am 27 years of age, no job, apparently late on rent, no prospects, my phone is disconnected, I've ruined my credit and I have a feeling I am not liked by the majority of people I associate with. I spend the beginning of my day looking for a job, then Reddit for a while, back to looking for work (postings for jobs obviously don't all come I at the same time), onto Reddit again or Facebook, back to looking for work. I do this generally until about 2pm or 3pm, after which, on most days, I go to my mom's house for a couple of hours. There I eat and a couple times a week wash clothes. Up to this time I generally have not spoke to anyone.
My mom or grandpa then arrive at about 3:30 to 4pm. I usually feel very anxious and somewhat uncomfortable around them. But then again I generally feel uncomfortable around people. She asks me how I am doing, to which I always say ok or not bad. I don't always feel this way but its not going to make her feel better to know most days are not so great. I tell her about the interviews coming up or the ones that have passed. She always tells me to pray and ask for specifically what I want. She tells me to pray to grandma. (I cried a bit after I wrote this. I had to go outside for bit and have a cigarette) I don't stay long after anyone arrives. Then I go home again. Back to my room to apply to whatever jobs have been posted since I left the house. More Reddit, more Facebook. I sprinkle in some Netflix or movies until I go to sleep.
A lot has changed in the past year. Everything started with Ariana. The year started off well, very well. I was spending more time with her and going out more often. We hung out New Years Eve and many times after. Then, in February we got back together. It was the third. Jairon and I were at Chris' house just hanging out. Fun times like always. They painted my nails for a bit. Then we came back to our house with Ariana. We were all going to do E and I invited her to join. It was the first time Jairon did it and felt it. Everything went swimmingly.
Towards the end of the night I kissed Ariana on the cheek. And we started holding hands. I remember we didn't really talk during that time. Jairon was next to us on the couch passed out. Everyone left or went to sleep and we stayed on the couch. She stayed over and we just kissed and cuddled until we slept. We awoke the next day in the afternoon and went to the movies. I was still in a sort of shock that I had another chance. An opportunity to redo the year before. A month after that first day we made love. I put it off for as long as I could. I wanted to wait for a couple more months but her insisting proved too much for my weak will.
It was amazing when we did. I hadn't been with anyone in many years, and even then, I didn't finish and I didn't really want to. This time I did and again it was amazing. It wasn't awkward, I really wanted to, and I had very strong feelings for her. Again it was amazing.
I had bought a new bigger bed when I thought we were going to start again. When I knew it wasn't my hopeful thinking. Then I bought her a pillow and bought bedding when we got together. She stayed many times a week and on occasion I would stay at her house. We spent almost all our free time together. I took days off from work to stay in bed with her. And on the weekends, we would be late to everything, putting everything off til later. We didn't have time for others or plans. We cuddled and kissed and made love until our hunger made us get up or until the calls from friends were too much to ignore.
She took off work to care for me when my back went out. And she met my family, my mom, cousins, aunt, uncle, brother, grandpa. And they told me they liked her. And they were happy, and she was happy, and I was happy. I met many of her friends and family. And I spent much time with them. I repeatedly heard that I was good for her and she for me... by her friends. (This is important to note. By her friends.)
In May my grandmother died. She had been in the hospital for some time before then. The day she passed my mother notified me by text. It was a Friday. For a few seconds I felt nothing. I called Jaime, my supervisor, over to look at the text then broke down crying. He told me to go home early. There wasn't much time before I was to leave but he knew I couldn't stay. I sat in the car for a few minutes composing myself. I text Ariana that she was gone. She was the first person I went to go see after she died. I don't remember the rest of the day. I just remember crying and hugging her. She was always there when I needed.
I don't know when it started. Something I never saw, never gave any thought to, or something I chose to ignore. I think I first saw it on Jairon's birthday but I can't be sure. Maybe I saw a glimpse. Her getting angry at Melanie. And then it occurred more often, or I saw more clearly. No... the first time was when she kicked me. When, on my knees, I asked her to wait til the next day. She had drunk too much. I was at Jairon's as was customary then. I let it go. Told her not to worry. It was a mistake. I do not remember when that was.
Then the Broadway Bar, and the party in Anaheim, and every time she wanted to dance, and my cousin's birthday, and then all the time. And every time I would want to leave. Sometimes I would. But I always came back. I loved her and she loved me too. It wasn't on purpose. She was so sorry. I loved her. I couldn't turn my back on her. She said she was working on it. I loved her.
I loved her. I had my second chance and I wasn't going to throw it away because she made a mistake, then another one, then another one... I loved her. And she was sorry. And she was sorry for the next one, then the next one. But it was ok because I loved her. I loved her.
And then I realized I loved her. Every sorry, every time I had to rationalize, every time I had to defend her to myself had worn me down. I loved her.
Three times is too many to break up with the same person. Four if you count her leaving the year before. But three that I initiated. I don't remember the cause of the first. I think it was after Anaheim. I was willing to walk over 20 miles back to my house. I started walking but was picked up hours later. And we got back together.
The second was when she dug her nails into my arm. She made me bleed for the second time. She didn't remember that night. As much as she offended me, and made me bleed. She didn't remember. The next morning I had to be at work. She text and called and I tried to be civil. She needed me to take her to her car. I eventually made it to her. I showed her what she did. Told her how she acted. She didn't remember. She wanted everything to be ok between us. I told her we could talk later I think. Either that or I just told her to get out of my car. She wouldn't go. I screamed that day. I remember how I didn't even feel like it was me screaming. Like I couldn't control it. Like I was seeing through someone else' eyes. I have never felt like that before. I remember the look on her face.
And we got back together.
The third was after she broke the window to my room.
I cried when I said we were done. I hugged her apologizing. She got on her knees and begged me not to leave her. Then came anger from her. Then came anger from me. Then came the cops after she had left.
I haven't really been the same since last year. I feel a lot more broken. Always on edge around people. Super sensitive to anything anyone says. A lot more antisocial.
My mom or grandpa then arrive at about 3:30 to 4pm. I usually feel very anxious and somewhat uncomfortable around them. But then again I generally feel uncomfortable around people. She asks me how I am doing, to which I always say ok or not bad. I don't always feel this way but its not going to make her feel better to know most days are not so great. I tell her about the interviews coming up or the ones that have passed. She always tells me to pray and ask for specifically what I want. She tells me to pray to grandma. (I cried a bit after I wrote this. I had to go outside for bit and have a cigarette) I don't stay long after anyone arrives. Then I go home again. Back to my room to apply to whatever jobs have been posted since I left the house. More Reddit, more Facebook. I sprinkle in some Netflix or movies until I go to sleep.
A lot has changed in the past year. Everything started with Ariana. The year started off well, very well. I was spending more time with her and going out more often. We hung out New Years Eve and many times after. Then, in February we got back together. It was the third. Jairon and I were at Chris' house just hanging out. Fun times like always. They painted my nails for a bit. Then we came back to our house with Ariana. We were all going to do E and I invited her to join. It was the first time Jairon did it and felt it. Everything went swimmingly.
Towards the end of the night I kissed Ariana on the cheek. And we started holding hands. I remember we didn't really talk during that time. Jairon was next to us on the couch passed out. Everyone left or went to sleep and we stayed on the couch. She stayed over and we just kissed and cuddled until we slept. We awoke the next day in the afternoon and went to the movies. I was still in a sort of shock that I had another chance. An opportunity to redo the year before. A month after that first day we made love. I put it off for as long as I could. I wanted to wait for a couple more months but her insisting proved too much for my weak will.
It was amazing when we did. I hadn't been with anyone in many years, and even then, I didn't finish and I didn't really want to. This time I did and again it was amazing. It wasn't awkward, I really wanted to, and I had very strong feelings for her. Again it was amazing.
I had bought a new bigger bed when I thought we were going to start again. When I knew it wasn't my hopeful thinking. Then I bought her a pillow and bought bedding when we got together. She stayed many times a week and on occasion I would stay at her house. We spent almost all our free time together. I took days off from work to stay in bed with her. And on the weekends, we would be late to everything, putting everything off til later. We didn't have time for others or plans. We cuddled and kissed and made love until our hunger made us get up or until the calls from friends were too much to ignore.
She took off work to care for me when my back went out. And she met my family, my mom, cousins, aunt, uncle, brother, grandpa. And they told me they liked her. And they were happy, and she was happy, and I was happy. I met many of her friends and family. And I spent much time with them. I repeatedly heard that I was good for her and she for me... by her friends. (This is important to note. By her friends.)
In May my grandmother died. She had been in the hospital for some time before then. The day she passed my mother notified me by text. It was a Friday. For a few seconds I felt nothing. I called Jaime, my supervisor, over to look at the text then broke down crying. He told me to go home early. There wasn't much time before I was to leave but he knew I couldn't stay. I sat in the car for a few minutes composing myself. I text Ariana that she was gone. She was the first person I went to go see after she died. I don't remember the rest of the day. I just remember crying and hugging her. She was always there when I needed.
I don't know when it started. Something I never saw, never gave any thought to, or something I chose to ignore. I think I first saw it on Jairon's birthday but I can't be sure. Maybe I saw a glimpse. Her getting angry at Melanie. And then it occurred more often, or I saw more clearly. No... the first time was when she kicked me. When, on my knees, I asked her to wait til the next day. She had drunk too much. I was at Jairon's as was customary then. I let it go. Told her not to worry. It was a mistake. I do not remember when that was.
Then the Broadway Bar, and the party in Anaheim, and every time she wanted to dance, and my cousin's birthday, and then all the time. And every time I would want to leave. Sometimes I would. But I always came back. I loved her and she loved me too. It wasn't on purpose. She was so sorry. I loved her. I couldn't turn my back on her. She said she was working on it. I loved her.
I loved her. I had my second chance and I wasn't going to throw it away because she made a mistake, then another one, then another one... I loved her. And she was sorry. And she was sorry for the next one, then the next one. But it was ok because I loved her. I loved her.
And then I realized I loved her. Every sorry, every time I had to rationalize, every time I had to defend her to myself had worn me down. I loved her.
Three times is too many to break up with the same person. Four if you count her leaving the year before. But three that I initiated. I don't remember the cause of the first. I think it was after Anaheim. I was willing to walk over 20 miles back to my house. I started walking but was picked up hours later. And we got back together.
The second was when she dug her nails into my arm. She made me bleed for the second time. She didn't remember that night. As much as she offended me, and made me bleed. She didn't remember. The next morning I had to be at work. She text and called and I tried to be civil. She needed me to take her to her car. I eventually made it to her. I showed her what she did. Told her how she acted. She didn't remember. She wanted everything to be ok between us. I told her we could talk later I think. Either that or I just told her to get out of my car. She wouldn't go. I screamed that day. I remember how I didn't even feel like it was me screaming. Like I couldn't control it. Like I was seeing through someone else' eyes. I have never felt like that before. I remember the look on her face.
And we got back together.
The third was after she broke the window to my room.
I cried when I said we were done. I hugged her apologizing. She got on her knees and begged me not to leave her. Then came anger from her. Then came anger from me. Then came the cops after she had left.
I haven't really been the same since last year. I feel a lot more broken. Always on edge around people. Super sensitive to anything anyone says. A lot more antisocial.