(no subject)
Alex had been sleeping a lot lately. She reasoned she was tired but at the core she knew that sleep provided her with brief escapes from the pain she was feeling. Tough cases and political aspirations had kept Alex focused on everything but her buried feelings. Her work became her existence. Not until she met Olivia did she even begin to think again of what love could feel like. Alex was embarrassed that she craved the touch of Olivia that she fantasized about touching Olivia’s warm skin or her soft lips. She was embarrassed that she could not remember what it felt like to be caressed, that the few times she even felt the warm heat of another body was in the crowded courthouse elevators. Alex often wondered how in a city of millions she could go days without even being touched. Not that it even mattered because it was only one person’s touch that meant anything to her.
Alex hated that she did not trust her feelings and that she doubted herself. She hated that she had trouble reconciling her long held albeit rarely practiced faith with the fact that she loved a woman. She hated the idea that loving someone meant she doubted her very existence. She wanted it to be easy; she loved Olivia and that should be it. That loving that gorgeous woman would make everything else in her life make sense. That just being around Olivia would make Alex stronger and braver; but at her core Alex was scared and alone. What was this confident capable woman doing every night crying herself to sleep? Why was it so easy for her to defend the rights of others yet be still so shocked and disheartened that she herself was gay? Alex felt she was letting people and herself down by not being able to stand proudly and admit she loved a woman. Alex was skilled at keeping her insecurities and longings private. Never before had her private life and job life collided until that one particular day.
Alex saw Olivia crying in an empty interrogation room and froze. Her heart dropped then ached as she saw the strong detective’s shoulders shake violently. But instead of reacting Alex stood frozen cursing herself for not knowing what to say. It was one of the moments in her life when she knew she should step outside her comfort zone and just act, but she did not. Olivia’s deliberately slow exhale pulled Alex from her thoughts. Move now, Alex screamed to herself and just as she turned to go she heard Olivia whisper her name.
Alex hated that she did not trust her feelings and that she doubted herself. She hated that she had trouble reconciling her long held albeit rarely practiced faith with the fact that she loved a woman. She hated the idea that loving someone meant she doubted her very existence. She wanted it to be easy; she loved Olivia and that should be it. That loving that gorgeous woman would make everything else in her life make sense. That just being around Olivia would make Alex stronger and braver; but at her core Alex was scared and alone. What was this confident capable woman doing every night crying herself to sleep? Why was it so easy for her to defend the rights of others yet be still so shocked and disheartened that she herself was gay? Alex felt she was letting people and herself down by not being able to stand proudly and admit she loved a woman. Alex was skilled at keeping her insecurities and longings private. Never before had her private life and job life collided until that one particular day.
Alex saw Olivia crying in an empty interrogation room and froze. Her heart dropped then ached as she saw the strong detective’s shoulders shake violently. But instead of reacting Alex stood frozen cursing herself for not knowing what to say. It was one of the moments in her life when she knew she should step outside her comfort zone and just act, but she did not. Olivia’s deliberately slow exhale pulled Alex from her thoughts. Move now, Alex screamed to herself and just as she turned to go she heard Olivia whisper her name.