aaaand-- scene.

[douxquemiel]

Aunt J: [to her 93 year old mother] "MA, SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS, SIT. DOWN."

Aunt S: "I'm looking for my wine. It had a ding dong."
Me: "Oooh, a ding dong. I think there were a whole bunch of those out on the coffee table."
Aunt M: "....are we talking in some kind of code here?"

[after removing the aluminum cover on a bottle of wine, only to find there was a second aluminum cover.]
Me: "It was double sheathed."
*beat*
Uncle S: "I've known some girls where I had to be double sheathed, but a bottle of wine....."

[trying to get all six of my father's biological siblings to pose together for a picture.]
Nana: "Squat, J! I can't see R."
Aunt J: *repositions, crossing her legs."
Nana: "J! All I can see is your fanny, squat down!!"
Aunt J: *bends over, her ass facing the camera*
Nana: "SQUAT, DAMMIT."

Cousin K: "....Was your dad high when we got here?"
Me: ....
Me: "...no, why?"
Cousin K: "Well, he was a little.... out of it."
Me: "Oh, no, that's just how he always is."

............welcome to my family, folks. Now to rejoin the insanity.