And then......
I was readin gmy horoscope today, it told me to start putting thought into my actions, to take some alone time and realize the situation. How fucking funny is that! After i just was bitching about how i think about things too much and all it does is resess the situations at hand. Imagine me thinking more ... oh god talk about someone becoming psychodic! Today i kind of have alot to do. its the first time that i will go home and actually have to do school work, thanks to the photo essay i have to write, but its only a 1-3-1 so it will take me like 5 minutes... other than that i have to go to emily and give her her birthday present. Its not much, she loves skittles so i just bought her a shit load of skittles ... ohh and check that ... so did everyong else. Whatever.
I cant wait for this sunday, im going to go snowboarding! WOOHOO ... thank you jeffrey! Im debating on going to the muni this friday too. Cara said that she would be there, and well i havent seen her in ... FOREVER! other than that there is no real reason for me to go, i dont think. I dont know, right now i dont have a job and not having a job equals me being completely and utterly BROKE! thus why emily only got skittles for her birthday! Christmas is going to be fun ... trying to pay for all the things i wish i could get everyone! Im ging to have to go to plato's closet and see if i can return some clothes. I heard that they are really picky though.
~ i hate this time of year. I wish i were a bear so i could just go into hibernation, and get away from the hustle and bustle of the christmas people walking the streets. I am leaving the country if George Bush gets anoggerated late. Nuclear weapons are supposed to be attacking the US, Osama B.L. got permission from someone ( i forgot the fuckin hindu's name) to obtain nuclear weapons and use them against the US. What the fuck is that crazy shit!
i hate our society, our social roles. Why cant i have one social role that i can be for the rest of my life, i dont like being the daughter, or the student, or the confused teenage girl going into adult hood, or the depressed suicidal teenage girl stopping herself from ever reaching adulthood. I wonder when everything is going to fall into place... not just for a period of time, but fall into cement. Everything that is good will stay, and everything that is bad will change. What a wonderful thing that would be. However, luckily i know not to get my hopes up on the irrational thought of everything falling into place permenantly. :*( oh well.
So my mom told me that depression runs highly in my family. Both sides. I just want to scream and yell at her and ask her why she didnt tell me about this earlier! I have a feelin that depression is the reason for everything. Why i put on so many masks, and play so many roles, why i have been feeling isolated from everyone even if i were to be in a crowded room, or why my mind cnt stay focused lately... my attention span has cut its way down to the size of a needle point. Plus i find myself indulging in alone time, and becoming excessivly tired when doing nothing remotely close to strenuous. My doctor, about a year ago, ask me if i was depressed, if i had anything wrong with me .. and if i had ever thought about suicide. I just wanted to be like YES!!! you have no idea!! just the other day i tried drowning myself in the tub, and after new years im going to slit my wrists, digest a bottle of asprin and rinse it down with a liter of vodka.. grey goose to be exact! I even have ideas of becoming a cokehead just to loos weight. Tell me thats not fucked up.... I idolize my anorexic friend because she has so much stregth to stay focused. She is skinny, doing unbelievably well in school with a 4.0, she is a vegan (which takes too much dedication), she has a loving boyfriend, an understanding family, a job that she is commited to... and not once does she quite! I dont know how i would tell my parents that. They would look at me and laugh, they think because i pass school im a normal well rounded child. Spitting image of what they want. They will just think that i am pulling a prank.
I hate paul for leaving the world without his presence, but you know what... i give him respect for having the balls to actually go through with it. I know he is happy.. probably hitting on a hott angel... looking down on all of us, calling us suckers for staying her for so long. Call me fucked up.. i dont care.. i already know that i am. Obviously im just finally fucking admitting to everything!
Why wont they just help me instead of laughing at me.... god i hate parents! i thought they were our guardians to help and guide us... not have us self distruct. all ive been doing is imploding... this is how i explode... by writing..
We were talking about our social roles today in psychology, how there is no time when one is true! or their selves in all actuality.. we all play a role, daughter/son, student/teacher, at work you play a role, when with you friends you play a rold... ect. However i believe that whenever i write, i finally am aloud to express what is true. No roles or things that i would do infront of this or that person, and smile or frown about. Its just me and my journal. I can express whatever i want without having to worry about being confused in the role that i would be playing. I am finally playing me. My pen and paper do not judge me, nor is there a reason to impress with the worry of faliure. I cannot fail. People may not like the way i write, however, i would tell them to stop reading, and plus no one will ever read the real journal. Whatever.. who knows. What roles do you play? do you have a true self. I doubt it. Im not even sure if we know what the hell our true selves are! so why is in our vocabulary... same reason why alien is, or magic.. because we want to believe in the false things. Why do you think i haven't said anything about my fucked up thoughts and desires.... because i want to believe that they are false and that i am really just normal. We want to believe in the false... unfortunately that to detours us from knowing thyself. Fuck transdentalism... there is no oversoul that would complete one. oh well.
I cant wait for this sunday, im going to go snowboarding! WOOHOO ... thank you jeffrey! Im debating on going to the muni this friday too. Cara said that she would be there, and well i havent seen her in ... FOREVER! other than that there is no real reason for me to go, i dont think. I dont know, right now i dont have a job and not having a job equals me being completely and utterly BROKE! thus why emily only got skittles for her birthday! Christmas is going to be fun ... trying to pay for all the things i wish i could get everyone! Im ging to have to go to plato's closet and see if i can return some clothes. I heard that they are really picky though.
~ i hate this time of year. I wish i were a bear so i could just go into hibernation, and get away from the hustle and bustle of the christmas people walking the streets. I am leaving the country if George Bush gets anoggerated late. Nuclear weapons are supposed to be attacking the US, Osama B.L. got permission from someone ( i forgot the fuckin hindu's name) to obtain nuclear weapons and use them against the US. What the fuck is that crazy shit!
i hate our society, our social roles. Why cant i have one social role that i can be for the rest of my life, i dont like being the daughter, or the student, or the confused teenage girl going into adult hood, or the depressed suicidal teenage girl stopping herself from ever reaching adulthood. I wonder when everything is going to fall into place... not just for a period of time, but fall into cement. Everything that is good will stay, and everything that is bad will change. What a wonderful thing that would be. However, luckily i know not to get my hopes up on the irrational thought of everything falling into place permenantly. :*( oh well.
So my mom told me that depression runs highly in my family. Both sides. I just want to scream and yell at her and ask her why she didnt tell me about this earlier! I have a feelin that depression is the reason for everything. Why i put on so many masks, and play so many roles, why i have been feeling isolated from everyone even if i were to be in a crowded room, or why my mind cnt stay focused lately... my attention span has cut its way down to the size of a needle point. Plus i find myself indulging in alone time, and becoming excessivly tired when doing nothing remotely close to strenuous. My doctor, about a year ago, ask me if i was depressed, if i had anything wrong with me .. and if i had ever thought about suicide. I just wanted to be like YES!!! you have no idea!! just the other day i tried drowning myself in the tub, and after new years im going to slit my wrists, digest a bottle of asprin and rinse it down with a liter of vodka.. grey goose to be exact! I even have ideas of becoming a cokehead just to loos weight. Tell me thats not fucked up.... I idolize my anorexic friend because she has so much stregth to stay focused. She is skinny, doing unbelievably well in school with a 4.0, she is a vegan (which takes too much dedication), she has a loving boyfriend, an understanding family, a job that she is commited to... and not once does she quite! I dont know how i would tell my parents that. They would look at me and laugh, they think because i pass school im a normal well rounded child. Spitting image of what they want. They will just think that i am pulling a prank.
I hate paul for leaving the world without his presence, but you know what... i give him respect for having the balls to actually go through with it. I know he is happy.. probably hitting on a hott angel... looking down on all of us, calling us suckers for staying her for so long. Call me fucked up.. i dont care.. i already know that i am. Obviously im just finally fucking admitting to everything!
Why wont they just help me instead of laughing at me.... god i hate parents! i thought they were our guardians to help and guide us... not have us self distruct. all ive been doing is imploding... this is how i explode... by writing..
We were talking about our social roles today in psychology, how there is no time when one is true! or their selves in all actuality.. we all play a role, daughter/son, student/teacher, at work you play a role, when with you friends you play a rold... ect. However i believe that whenever i write, i finally am aloud to express what is true. No roles or things that i would do infront of this or that person, and smile or frown about. Its just me and my journal. I can express whatever i want without having to worry about being confused in the role that i would be playing. I am finally playing me. My pen and paper do not judge me, nor is there a reason to impress with the worry of faliure. I cannot fail. People may not like the way i write, however, i would tell them to stop reading, and plus no one will ever read the real journal. Whatever.. who knows. What roles do you play? do you have a true self. I doubt it. Im not even sure if we know what the hell our true selves are! so why is in our vocabulary... same reason why alien is, or magic.. because we want to believe in the false things. Why do you think i haven't said anything about my fucked up thoughts and desires.... because i want to believe that they are false and that i am really just normal. We want to believe in the false... unfortunately that to detours us from knowing thyself. Fuck transdentalism... there is no oversoul that would complete one. oh well.