Be kind, but firm.

[douloijohanna]

"I spent the whole evening with a couple of two and a half year olds, Kristen, and they just didn't hold a candle to Isaac."  My mother-in-law's words threatened to swell my instinctual mother's pride. "They weren't nearly as well behaved and obedient, and their vocabulary was so limited.  They were even still in diapers -- nowhere near potty trained."

Having met a couple of really verbal two year olds who far surpass Isaac in speaking ability, I know that Isaac's vocabulary is pretty average.  Nevertheless, I do have to confess that for a two year old, Isaac breezes past most of the hallmark misbehaviors associated with "the terrible twos."  He occasionally lets a temper tantrum fly.  He sometimes openly rebels against our stated wishes.  For the most part, though, he's a sweet-tempered, obedient boy seeking a measure of autonomy in a safe environment.

Maybe time will change my belief, but right now I think that his good behavior is a direct result of our parenting.

A few things we do differently than many parents:

1. We always strive to be kind, but firm.   Kindness means speaking with a gentle tone, not yelling or cursing at him.  It means not trying to make him feel bad or humiliate him.  Firmness means not wavering when he cries, protests, or yells at us.  It means acting with authority, not being authoritative. (There is a difference.)  It means being consistent in the application of our rules. 
   
2. We always try to model the behavior we want him to emulate.  I don't want to yell at him because I don't want him to yell at me (or others).  I don't want to spank him in frustration because I don't want him to think it's okay to hit people when he's frustrated.  If I'm asking him to do something for me, I say "please" instead of simply barking out an order.  When he does it, I say "thank you."  I want him to be respectful, so I respect him.  This makes it so that when I do give him an order, he knows I mean business and generally obeys.
   
3. If I can give him a choice, I do.  Orange juice or grape juice?  Inside or outside?  A time out or obeying me?  I set safe boundaries, give him choices within those boundaries, and let him be responsible for the decisions.  He learns how to make good choices this way, exercises a bit of that autonomy that two year olds are famous for, and doesn't feel pushed into corners (like obey or die, kid).
4. We set boundaries for what is or is not permissible based on our comfort level.  Nap times and bed times are for parents, not kids.  I don't want to clean up food smeared into our furniture or spilled milk hidden in a corner somewhere, so Isaac must eat and drink all his food and beverages while sitting at the kitchen table.  Things like that.  If I were to let him do something that only slightly annoyed me, with time, my annoyance would start festering inside me until I exploded.  Such explosions are unfair to him and to me.  To him, because I'd consistently let him do something and now I just suddenly ban it in a fit of rage.  To me, because I didn't have to live with those little grievances gnawing away at my comfort.  This cuts both ways.  If I don't expect something to bother me, then I let him do it.  So, if I can say "yes" to him with a clean comfort level, I do.  I never say "no" just for the sake of saying no.  He learns to trust this, learns that my "no" means "no," learns that I would say "yes" if I could, and generally obeys.
5. We try to understand his developmental level and only give him responsibilities he can handle.  Thus, when he was first starting to walk, all our breakables went out of his reach.  He was at the stage of life when he needed to safely explore everything in his environment -- when curiosity marks almost everything he did.  If we were constantly telling him "no" and slapping his wrists, we'd be teaching him that his natural instinct to explore is bad.  Plus, we'd be putting ourselves in a bad temper.  His natural desire to explore his world with his newfound mobility is not an act of rebellion, and shouldn't be punished.  He's past that stage now, so there are quite a few breakables within his reach that are firmly off-limits.  He knows what they are.  And, if he plays with them, he gets some kind of consequence.
6. We don't reward behavior we don't like.  So, if he's whining and crying for something, I always say, "sorry, honey, but I don't understand you when you whine," even if I understand what he's saying perfectly.  He doesn't get the thing he wants until he calms down and politely asks in a normal voice, using the word "please."  So many parents reward whining and crying by giving the kid the thing they're clamoring for in order to get them to shut up. 

Of course, everyday I fail in one or more of these areas.  But, I try.  And when I fail, I apologize.  I apologize for yelling at him.  I apologize for losing my patience.  I apologize for being mean.  I remember my parents apologizing to me when they'd crossed their own lines, and I also remember how deeply I respected them for it.

Folks used to tell us that our first child was such an "angel," our second was bound to be a "demon."  I don't think so.  I know every kid has a distinct and unique personality.  But I also think that the vast majority of what shapes a kid is the kind of parenting he receives, down to the stability and love he experiences in his home.